SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sounds good LJ. As I led with in my last post, if physical infidelity is a deal breaker then it’s fully understandable that it’s the right thing to D and move on.

I just wanted to state some alternatives as I hadn’t seen any discussed recently.

You are a smart man and thru this horrible betrayal you still have your wits about you.

I’m glad you’re working through it all in IC. Because even though you can logically know what are the right steps to take it does not mean emotionally it’s any easier.

Take care.

The thing is, I know that WW is remorseful and desperately wants to fix things. I just... think what she did is unmendable. I honestly and truly don't think I can ever be fully happy with myself if I stayed with her. I really don't see it happening.

You must do what is right for you LJ when the time comes to make that decision. You now have a lot of knowledge but at the end of the day I think it is about what you feel deep down. That may change in the next several months but it may not.

MidnightRun I must admit that your stbxw demonstrated an Herculean effort to fix herself and the marriage. It took on the pacing of a Greek tragedy; she is truly remorseful.

I think most, if not all, would agree with that. She hurt you badly and she hurt herself too in the process.

My heart goes out to you both. No matter what the outcome please be kind to each other.

HI LJ

The weekend that I have just had caused me to think of you and to wonder how things might be going for you.

I am engaging life with an enthusiasm that I have never had before. Might be that the first time round we think that we have all this time, so that we just get things done, what ever they may be, in a quick fix way, thinking that we will come back to them latter, and get them done properly then.

Well, this time I realise that at 48, I dont have the luxury of multiple redo's so I am giving every one of life's experiences that comes my way my all. A sort of right first time approach.

Not to say that I am getting everything right first time. No, just that I am putting in the effort that it would require to get it right if I knew how.

This weekend is a case in point. It has been a mixed bag with both good and bad. Saturday was one of my lowest since my D Day. I can think of nothing that triggered it. I know that this is close to the one year anniversary of my lowest point last year but I was certain that that was not even a memory of mine any more. Yet there it was. Those darkest of dark clouds. Fortunately I now recognise them and know that they will pass, and boy did they pass.

They were followed by a Sunday which easily counts as the best day of my entire life. I so wish that I could give you just a glimpse of what my Sunday was. It would be like that feel good feeling that you get from watching a great movie.

Why would I want to share this with you. Well, having walked the walk, just a little ahead of you I am pretty certain that you will still hit the odd bump, lots of them in fact. This is the roller coaster remember. It is just that from now on out, the downs will not be as low and each new up a little higher. As I found out on Saturday, just like the roller coasters in all the best theme parks, there always is that "surprise" bump that takes you completely off guard just as you think you are nearing the end. And hence my Saturday experience, but the thing with this roller coaster though, as you near the end, the highs, instead of settling into a gentle rhythm, become rather spectacular, and more frequent. Well, at least for me they are.

I hope you don't mind me using your thread for this little ramble of mine, it is just that Sunday was really that good that it is one of those things that you just cant shut up about and I have bored my IRL friends, so you are now my next victim.

I hope at least, that when, or maybe if, your next low strikes, then reading this post will help a little.

Thoughtful.

Hey, thanks for the pep talk.

Not a ton to report over here. Still going to IC; still burying myself in work whenever possible; still keeping my WW at an arm's distance.

Small life event side note: I recently discovered my first gray hairs. Three of them, in fact. And perhaps it's not completely fair, but considering that I'm only 32 years old and these gray hairs just *happened* to show up during this particularly awful stretch in my life, I 100% blame WW for them.

Hey LJ

, I 100% blame WW for them

Nobody here is going to blame you for that.

With XWW gone with all the stuff out of MIL's cottage, I have had to by all new appliances so that J our au pair can live there.

Well, somebody forgot to tell this new breed of appliance manufacturers about the colour "appliance white ". We now have appliances in all gawdy greys and charcoal mirror finishes. Yes, and that is all on XWW in my book.

bump

Hey, thanks for the kind thread bump. I guess that means you're looking for an update?

Well, the most amusing thing that has happened lately is, after I expressed one day to WW that it hurt my feelings that NONE of her family ever reached out to me after learning about the A, the next day I received this awkward Facebook message from her mother:

"[WW] suggested reaching out to you. There is no script. All I can promise is honesty. Let me know if you’re open to the idea. (Our microcell is out, so I can’t send or receive messages. WiFi is working, though, so messenger is functional.)"

I then clarified to WW that I was annoyed that her family expressed no actual concern or empathy for me. Not that I was desiring a guarded, wooden conversation with her mother.

Otherwise, I don't know. I've remained pretty much unchanged in my attitude toward our future (or lack thereof). I see and acknowledge how hard WW is working to change, and that's great. She's really making a strong and courageous effort. I just... don't feel physically or emotionally up to the task of going along on the ride with her. I think that's partially due to my lingering anger, also partially due to lack of trust... but mostly it's about my own self respect.

Glad to hear that you're still on an even keel. The self-respect issue was a big deal for me as well, second only to the mind movies.

Weighing the balance of ‘all the hard work she is doing will just benefit her next husband’ verses ‘do I stay and forever think I sucked this up and let her get away with this injustice’ is so tough. One that I am still debating in my head a year later.

Good luck brother and thanks for checking in and updating.

Glad to hear that you're still on an even keel. The self-respect issue was a big deal for me as well, second only to the mind movies.

I actually got the mind movies to stop!! Through some mental exercises with my IC (that to be honest felt stupid while I was doing them but to my surprise really did work). I sleep so much better now.

Your IC sounds like a winner.

Hi! I'm a newby- just discovered this place! Will just say that it'll be 2 years this December that I asked and found out (from my psychologist's) prompting that my husband of 45 years had had a 21/2 year long affair with a widow he has played tennis with. When he finally admitted it I told him that I forgave him and didn't want a divorce but wanted to work on our marriage. He was relieved and immediately stopped all contact with the OW. So now we've been in intense therapy with the psychologist. We've gone through alot of horrible details ( he DID sleep with her once in our bed) and basically I own the fact that I was depressed for a long time,he felt lonely, unappreciated and shut out and towards the end I did too much drinking. I am now in AA, and just trying not to feel anger or resentment. I am trying to put myself in his place. I think we've made some progress but our therapist says we have a long way yet to go. Some days, like today, I don't know why but out of the blue I feel so much pain. I just wonder when that will go away. Oh, forgot to mention that I had lost 2 children hence I'm sure some cause for the depression. But that was a long time ago.... Does the pain of an affair ever go away?

Vinnie, sorry you're here.

You really should start your own thread. You'll get some great support through it. Members will be much more willing to address your situation there than they would in another member's thread.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:22 PM, October 21st (Saturday)]

Small life event side note: I recently discovered my first gray hairs. Three of them, in fact. And perhaps it's not completely fair, but considering that I'm only 32 years old and these gray hairs just *happened* to show up during this particularly awful stretch in my life, I 100% blame WW for them.

Hey I discovered my first grey hairs at 26, 2 years after being married to a challenging wife. All these years I never put 2 and 2 together! My motto has always been "I don't care what color it is as long as it stays in my head"

I actually got the mind movies to stop!! Through some mental exercises with my IC (that to be honest felt stupid while I was doing them but to my surprise really did work). I sleep so much better now.

It's great to hear this!

That's great progress for you Lux. Happy to hear it.

"[WW] suggested reaching out to you. There is no script. All I can promise is honesty. Let me know if you’re open to the idea. (Our microcell is out, so I can’t send or receive messages. WiFi is working, though, so messenger is functional.)"

Awkward, yes. I'd add strange.

Awkward, yes. I'd add strange.

After WW gave her a stern talking-to, the MIL did attempt reaching out to me again. Conversation wasn't as bad the second time around. Here's what she said in a long text message paragraph:

"I've never really felt like i 'get' you, but that never seemed important. What mattered was that [WW] loves you and you treated her well. What [WW] did was inexcusable, but the question is whether it's forgivable. I hope you can work it out, but it's killing me to see [WW] slowly dying inside. She's a shadow of her former self. Is there any spark of love left? If so the only chance you have is putting yourself totally behind trying. If the embers have died out, then that needs to be accepted. This purgatory of not totally giving up, but not trying to make it better isn't doing anyone any good."

Valid points, but again not really what I was looking for. I don't really desire advice from WW's mom. I was just annoyed that none of her family (whom I've known for 13 years now) expressed compassion to me as a person. I understand that their loyalty is to WW, but man even a "how you holding up? This must be hard for you" would've meant a lot. Instead, I'm getting "You need to shit or get off the pot, dude."

Yikes, not a good message - definitely had an agenda. Are your inlaws conflict avoidant?

Yeah, well that went as well as expected frankly. It's a given that they will put their daughter first.Unfair I know. I might have done the same before I was a BH. The parent thing is strong. Honestly, you can't expect much from them, and I'm a bit surprised they didn't blame you for the affair. Whatever.. In the end, this is between you and your WW.

She’s a shadow of her former self.

Not sure if that is a compliment or an insult.