SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey LJ

We both know that on more than one occasion, my well intentioned posts have buggered up your thread so I am not going to attempt any of that again.

Also, you have been given so much conflicting advice and opinion above this it is enough to confuse any man (although I have a suspicion that you are not confused by any of it. You know your mind).

So I am going to stay away from all of that and just ask, "so how are you doing old chap. Care for a chat. Ah, just thought, are you a Monty Python fan?"

So I am going to stay away from all of that and just ask, "so how are you doing old chap. Care for a chat. Ah, just thought, are you a Monty Python fan?"

Apologies for taking a minute to respond to this very basic question. Had a few work-related projects that took precedence. Actually that's a good summary of how I'm doing: trying my best to prioritize work over personal life whenever possible. This weekend was my first in a long time where I didn't do any work at all. Made me feel lazy.

Otherwise, I suppose I'm mostly ok. I've probably gained 10 pounds since DDay, which I know isn't good for me. I keep telling myself that I have to start eating better to shed that weight back off... but also WW is baking pies every weekend. Pies that she doesn't eat. So all of a sudden, *I've* been eating a whole pie each and every week for the last month and a half. (What, am I just supposed to let a pie go to waste?)

Also, re: Monty Python... honestly I'm not a fan, really. They're more of my dad's generation. The sketch groups I grew up obsessed with were The Kids in the Hall and The State.

Having her cook and bake for you is damaging in a few ways. One, it doesn't help your detachment. You have important decisions coming up that you need as much emotional distance from as possible. Secondly, it sends her mixed messages.

Of course, if you're angling for R, then knock yourself out.

Having her cook and bake for you is damaging in a few ways. One, it doesn't help your detachment. You have important decisions coming up that you need as much emotional distance from as possible. Secondly, it sends her mixed messages.

K.

Careful with the pies. I love pie but I'm type 2. It sneaks up on you. There are sugar free pie recipes she could use. Also use discernment with the advice given. Not all is helpful.

Comedy wise I'm a fan of Benny Hill, The Red Green Shoe among others.

I meant The Red Green Show not shoe.

Hi LJ

Sorry for taking some time to get back to you on your last response to me. I was away on business in the far east for a week. The combination of a hectic work schedule and an even greater time difference made any participation on the forum a little difficult.

I hope you don't mind if I just stick to the light stuff. Your are getting such great advice from the vets. Listen to Sharkman.

I suppose it is okay for me to like Monty Python. I would imagine that I am sort of halfway between you and your dad in age and then the Anglo Saxon heritage that runs deep makes up for the bit of missing age.

I must say, I have just looked up a few of "Kids in the Hall", and while my cultural programming tried hard to convince me that it was noting other than crass North American stuff, I found myself watching one after the other and not being able to stop laughing.

Thanks for the referral. I needed it today. Not because of any of the damage done to me by XWW. No, today it is national mourning. On Sunday, those rugby Giants, Ireland, beat our national team. Not just beat, but record book stuff. Now fortunately I am not a rugby fan but this was so bad the whole nation is under a somber cloud today.

Fortunately, an SI friend has convinced me to be a Bears fan. Am waiting to hear how things when for them this weekend. Hoping for some better news there.

And from you as well LJ.

I really am hoping that things are at least okay for you. I have been there. I know how tough this stuff is and how it just keeps coming back.

Never a better description than a roller coaster. What kept my spirits up in the darkest days is knowing that on the roller coaster. After the lowest low, there always had to be an up.

Hope that you are on an up.

T/J

1st, I am a lifelong Bears fan!

Second

Fortunately, an SI friend has convinced me to be a Bears fan.

I'm sorry.

T/J

Thanks for checking back in, ohfor. I'm ok I guess. Shit's complicated. (And not just because I'm a NY Giants fan.)

Lately, I've found myself able to tolerate living with WW again-- I'm not banishing her to the guest room whenever I'm home anymore. I talk to her when she's around. I share articles or YouTube clips that I think may interest her. ...But then, when I notice how "normal" I'm acting, I immediately shut off and become distant. I remind her that, while I recognize how hard she's working on changing herself, I still don't see us having a future together.

In short, if I notice that we both seem to be having a "good day," I stop and remind her why we should actually both be unhappy. That makes her start crying, which then makes me feel like a bully.

The other thing that's going on lately is something that's been kind of weird for me: Women have started flirting / hitting on me. A lot. I'm not sure if it's because I'm sending some vibes of singleness out into the world, or because I'm not wearing my wedding ring anymore, or if I'm just more perceptive to female advances now or what. But it's been happening everywhere: work functions, at the bank, from strangers on Twitter...

Anyway, my reaction is always to kind of act oblivious and ignore the flirtation. It makes me feel kind of dumb, though, that I'm choosing to still remain faithful to this dumpster fire of a marriage.

Lux,

I’ve never posted on your thread. But the following stuck out. You stated:

“In short, if I notice that we both seem to be having a ‘good day,’ I stop and remind her why we should actually both be unhappy. That makes her start crying, which then makes me feel like a bully.”

Why would you want to make things unhappy if you are having a good time with her? Do you like to live in self-induced pain? I guess... what is the point, unless you prefer to live in pain as a badge of honor?

[This message edited by Drumstick at 4:00 PM, November 13th (Monday)]

LJ

I get it. You have a normal moment. For that second you’ve forgotten that you’re no longer a normal couple though. And all of a sudden the hurt she’s laid on you comes rushing back and makes you angry about her betrayal all over again.

Perhaps you can come up with a way to recognize those moments without you having to feel like a bully. May be worth discussing this with her, telling her you can enjoy spending time with her but that the mountain between you makes it hard for the moments to last long. That you often need breaks.

Perhaps keep the discussion about how you aren’t hopeful for the M overall to your daily check-ins (still doing those?).

While we obviously can’t know every detail of every moment you spend together at least it does not seem like she’s behaving like most WWs behaving impatient that you’re not willing to just rug sweep everything.

As always we are so impressed with how you are handling things. You’re a good man.

Ps. I’m a giants fan too from the 70s. Sorry they haven’t been much solace to you this year. That would’ve been a nice distraction.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:12 PM, November 13th (Monday)]

I sense detachment issues and would recommend reading up on the 180. I’m not sure a full-on 180 is required but it’s definitely better than sending mixed signals.

FWIW it’s why I dislike arbitrary dissolution deadlines. They just cause confusion and are not fair to either party.

Dude...I am very sorry that your site giants fan.

I think that one day in the not too distant future you will wake up and a decision will be made in your mind and you will start moving towards your future. Whatever that future may be. We are always here for you.....(Bro hug)

To bring my comment full circle, arbitrary timelines are something Ben McAdoo would recommend were he an infidelity counselor.

To bring my comment full circle, arbitrary timelines are something Ben McAdoo would recommend were he an infidelity counselor.

Ben McAdoo looks like the kind of infidelity counselor who would say "I got you bro" before hooking me up with his PornHub playlist.

I feel like there is personal guilt - maybe some small level of shame - here that you are able to have those moments where you can interact with her on a normal level, look at her without actively thinking of the A and how it has affected you and your life. You've stated over and over that D is a matter of pride to you - that you couldn't respect yourself if you tried to R.

So when you feel you might be accidentally enjoying her company, you basically jerk yourself (and her) back to reality with a comment about how the marriage is still, for all intents and purposes, over. And then it all falls apart again, and you can feel more comfortable with the shift in tone because the negative emotions reinforce your conviction that you will eventually, and inevitably, D.

I guess - if you're staying to prove something to yourself, that you 'tried' and it didn't work, that you didn't make rash decisions but inside, you are so dead-set on D that you won't allow for any other alternative to coalesce naturally between you, then I would say I agree with Sharkman. Don't hold to a timeline just for the sake of it, because what's the point?

If, though, it's the idea that you worry you might actually be open to R if you allowed yourself to consider it - if you're afraid that even just entertaining the idea that you might, somewhere buried deep down, want to consider R and are therefore betraying yourself by even thinking it - maybe that's food for thought, as well.

Maybe your feelings about this are more complex than you want them to be. I think this is something you need to explore with your IC.

Just to clarify, I'm not trying to tell you how you feel and I'm certainly not trying to push you in any one direction - I'm just trying to offer a different perspective.

That's all. Good luck to you, friend.

My team, the Raiders, hasn't won a super bowl in over 30 years.

Now THAT is long-suffering!

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:52 AM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

Back to you: I think you still love her, and that this 'defined' deadline is allowing you to process and properly distance yourself from that love.

My 2 cents.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 5:30 PM, November 13th (Monday)]

To bring my comment full circle, arbitrary timelines are something Ben McAdoo would recommend were he an infidelity counselor.

Hysterical.

Ben McAdoo looks like the kind of infidelity counselor who would say "I got you bro" before hooking me up with his PornHub playlist.

Which inevitably given my location makes me wonder what Belichick would say were he a MC?

"Do your job"

"You always have to adjust"

"Well as tough as these decisions are we had to let him go for the good of the team."

"Were on to the divorce"

But then, as in football, Belichick was a cheater in his marriage too.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:06 PM, November 13th (Monday)]

I agree with what Drumstick said. this is concerning your statement about '. . . why we should be unhappy.' It may just have been the wording . . . but it implies that you don't WANT to be happy. You actually prefer to be miserable (perhaps so you can blame her for how miserable you both are). Well, the events that led to this misery is pretty much on her, so that's out there already. You can blame her.

But, that being said (and again, I'm just going on the statement you made) if you actually don't want to be happy, or if you feel like being happy with her is some sort of 'betrayal' of yourself . . . you may wish to figure out why, which can probably best be done by talking to a professional about that particular statement, and the feelings that engendered it. Good luck with this . . . you're still in the roller coaster mode, and may be for a while, so don't discount that as a reason either.

[This message edited by c24j at 6:50 PM, November 13th (Monday)]