SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Then she went on the typical rant on how it was me who led her to this place by not being connected with her.

This is called projection, she is projecting the blame and fault for her actions onto you. It makes it your problem to solve so she does not have to do the work necessary for her to come to her senses and heal like she needs to.

Just about everything she has said to you is designed to make her look right and you look wrong. But that is what she got wrong all along...wrong is right and right is wrong...having sex with another man and leaving your husband to fend for himself was her decision and nothing you did can possibly deserve that. Period.

I would agree that you should talk to the OM's soon to be ex-wife and see what you can learn from that. But I would not expose the A to just anyone. It will serve no purpose and will probably backfire on you.

Remember, you need to take care of you now and stop beating yourself up for something that she chose to do time and time again. Her approach to R is BS and she needs to see you know that or she will keep treating you that way.

Talk to OM's wife. This affair may have started earlier than you think and she may have some info along those lines. Maybe this is why they're breaking up.

Your WW is probably lying about OM saying no contact. Her moving to her sister's will allow for easier contact without WW being under your surveillance. Out her to her family. Sis may be an accessory.

Then file on her ass. That will probably get her attention.

I agree you should talk to OM's wife. Also talk to her family and close friends. She understandably doesn't want you to, but you have little to lose by doing so. Do not vilify her to her family, and don't give any sordid details even if you have them. Tell them the minimum: that she's had an A and that she's talking about S/D. Ask that they support you in trying to R and keep the family together. Do not invite their pity for you nor their condemnation of her. Remember: you're asking for help, not trying to smear her.

If she does not decide quickly in the next few days to work on R, then I advise you to speak to an atty asap, and implement the 180. You don't have to shut the door completely when you do the 180. If she wants to talk about R, and is serious about it, then you can have that conversation. If she wants to talk about D, then you say, "I don't want to D, but it's preferable to having to share my W with anyone else. If you are interested in D, I've been advised by my atty not to discuss it with you, as I am too emotional to make any decisions about it in my own best interest. Please talk with my atty about D." Then give her your atty's business card. If she wants to talk kids/finances, have the conversation, but keep it brief and to the point. Do not accept any blame about what D/S will do to the kids or your finances.

No need to bring up the atty unless she starts talking D. My guess is she's done no footwork on this at all. Get the jump on her by calling around and finding yourself a good one. Speaking with an atty doesn't mean D for sure. It just means you're CYA.

As to your future---From your last post it sounds like you are the backup plan---since she now can't have the OM in her life----she now MAY BE settling for coming back to the mge.

Is may take on that right?

How do you know OM is seperated? Maybe i missed something but it may just be a bullshit story to convince you that there's no point in informing OM's wife. I felt my FWW's affairs (a nice word for fuckfests )were my fault also...until I came to S.I. and learned otherwise!

[This message edited by cuckhold at 12:47 PM, August 13th (Friday)]

Please have yourself tested for std's immediately, have DO NOT have any unprotected sex with her... This 'stud' she is fucking is likely fucking others also.

I can not stress the importance of this enough....it happens all the time, even when condoms are used... Yep, it happened to me

I don't know if she is now starting to crack a bit, she seems really subdued and down. She says she feels like throwing up right now. Part of me wants to show sympathy and compassion, but another part isn't allowing me to believe her based on the devastating line she crossed. I am going to get myself tested for STD. I can't imagine what would happen if I do have something. I haven't touched base with an attorney yet, I've been looking at other options for D (mediation, collaborative law, etc.).

I guess I don't know for sure if OM is actually separated or not, just going on what my WS said.

Do yourself a favour and tell his wife, specially if you think she is cracking. You need to make sure it is over and the best way to do that is to tell his wife. It could affect her divorce settlement.

msk,

Sorry you are here. No one has to tell you how much all of this sucks. But know that many of the emotions you(and your WW) are experiencing have been felt and discussed here almost constantly on SI.

I, along with others here, will keep telling you that it does get better. With or without your marriage, you will survive; many of us stronger than before.

Now back on point. Regardless of your WW's behavior right now, you have got to be strong. Firm. Unwavering in your minimum demands. I keep saying I have yet to see a situation get better by the BS being passive and apologetic. The marriage can only be addressed AFTER the A and your WW's problems have been addressed. You are the only one of the two of you that understand morality at this time. Hopefully your WW will get her morals back someday, but they are not here now.

I, like trynhard stated before, only added agonizing time to our recoveries by following our emotions at the time. The reason for the 180 is to help rebuild you, not to punish your WW. I also wrongly felt that if I pushed my WW that I would drive her away and lose her. I couldn't have been more wrong. Once you start to realize that this A was not of your doing(believe me, I kept trying to rationalize the WW's A), you will see things differently.

Sorry to ramble on, I just want to get through to you that we have felt pain along the line of yours, and we are giving you our personal experiences of the right and wrong things we did so you can avoid many of our mistakes. Keep posting and reading; over time you just won't believe the similarities that both the BS's and the WW's on SI experience.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 10:10 PM, August 13th (Friday)]

Don't forget. You WW is the one who chose to take this outside your marriage. SHE needed to make you aware of her needs and had NO right to take them elsewhere! DO not blame yourself, you can take responsibility for your part of the marriage that was lacking, but do not take ANY responsibility for her choice to take her needs elsewhere. She married you and betrayed your vows, and I'd make her aware of that.

If you stop and think, you will probably realize that your needs were not being met also, but YOU didn't take yourself elsewhere!!

She is not cracking...the OM probably freaked out when she said you knew and is trying to do damage control. I can bet his wife does not know. He may be throwing your wife under the bus right now. Her saying she is going to her family's house could be a cover for her to go be with the OM.

I would start checking a few more things around the house. And also do not tell your wife what you are doing. Nothing...do not expect her to tell you the truth about anything, do not give away any of your sources, do not tell her you are seeing an attorney, check cell phone records, get a keylogger, check credit card statements. We were all blindsided when we saw exactly how far along these A's are...be very careful.

I just can't get by the threat of getting "real ugly" if you disclose to his wife. That's not remorse. Everything you've seen thus far is sorrow...for getting caught! You'll know remorse when you (or IF) you see it. No mistaking. She's still deep in the fog. You NEED to expose this to his wife, ASAP! Remember, R is a GIFT you offer to your WW. It's the greatest demonstration of your love for her. Every contact with OM is her pissing on your "gift!"

[This message edited by cuckhold at 9:50 AM, August 14th (Saturday)]

msk99,

I don't believe you wife is being honest about the OM being separated:

Why would he be so upset about you finding out about the affair...and why would he tell your wife they couldn't be in contact - IF HE WAS SEPARATED?

This makes no sense.

You need to contact OM's wife and tell her about this affair.

She said she knows if she could somehow find a way to forgive, that things could probably be pretty good. Unable to forgive me is what is holding her back.

SHE can't forgive YOU? WTF? She must be in chapter 3 of the waywards handbook. I shouldn't be surprised by the blameshifting and gaslighting she is putting out, but that is just outrageous....

And...tell the wife. Even if it is true and they split up because of the A, she needs any info she can get. And what if she doesn't know? What if this is all another lie? She deserves to know what has been going on in her life and get tested herself.

I sure wish someone had told me....

Hi Msk99

So sorry you are here. I'm a newbie too and still on the rollercoaster. At present feeling good about myself because that's my focus at present and should be yours too. (Tomorrow I'll probably feel like shit again!!!!). Keep yourself healthy, take care of your appearance and show her what a great guy she is going to lose through her stupidity.

I 2.5 months from Dday and still feel the agony of the first days but it's a little more bearable. Stay strong.

HUGS

Wow, what a rough weekend and a bit for me. I definitely hit a low on Sunday, basically felt incapacitated as a human being. It was hard to really do much more than get out of bed and sit in the shower. I really need to start the 180 principles, but am finding it hard to do much at this point. Fear, sadness, anger, all the bad stuff have a pretty good hold on me now. I know everyone says it will get better with time, and I do believe that, but MAN, what a hellish coaster of emotion.

It seems like she is holding the cards at this point. She is a very VERY attractive woman, that I always thought (and I guess still do on a certain level) had a very endearing, kind and warm personality. Funny what a problems in a relationship can result in. She openly admits she has been a bitch the last couple years, but again plays the "you put me in this place" position. I consider myself to be a very rational and objective man, and yes certainly there were times where I wasn't the most sensitive or supportive husband, but I was never, ever disrespectful, demeaning or anything like that to her. I pride myself on being a caring, giving, and kind man. She feels she is having to "coach" me to meet her needs. Weird for me, as I coach high level, elite sports teams where I live. Its weird, because the tools required to be an effective and successful coach of elite athletes really just comes naturally to me. I am a man dealing with young men in my coaching, so I guess not the same as dealing with women?

I guess I am struggling with the unknown still - to the average joe my WS would seem to be THE perfect "catch" to most, and perhaps on some level I am afraid I would never be able to find someone like her again. On top of this, I feel it would be sooooooo easy for her to find someone else (aside from the OM), and she would give so much to him.

Listen, beauty can be a lot of trouble. My ex was very attractive,5'10", blond, tiny waist with long legs, 36DD, when she walked into a room men and women looked. I couldn't leave her to go to a bathroom without someone sitting in my chair talking to her when I returned. Sometimes your better off without so much of the beauty. They are trouble magnets.

Hugs. I just found out a few months ago that my H had a PA and the best advice I can give is to take everything one day at a time... please remember, you are not to blame for your WW's A.

Ask yourself this--

Years ago, when you first met your wife, would you have entered an exclusive relationship(on your half) with her if you had to share her with others? I am thinking that you would not.

Like alive said, don't factor in the beauty; it is superficial. While I am sure you enjoyed having a trophy wife, you enjoyed it under the pretenses that she was yours alone. Forget about looks for a moment---she is YOUR WIFE. The one who is supposed to be committed to you. The one that is NOT supposed to stab you in the back and break your heart.

I have never seen you or your wife, but you are the moral one. You are the better person of the two at this point of your lives. Believe me, I know how hard the 180 is to implement(and I didn't do the best job of maintaining it), but placating her will only make you(and her) worse in the long run, I promise you that.

If your goal is to keep her at all costs, even if that means sharing her, than that is your choice and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. But if you are not willing to share, then resolve is your key.

I am almost a year out from D-day, and am definitely not in the clear, but progress is being made. Literally my WW told me today at her IC appointment, that she told the counselor she believes that the reason she strayed after D-day #1 is that she thought I was too complacent. I couldn't believe it. After the 2nd time I thought I was a hard ass, but apparently not. This last time I have absolutely been in control, by now knowing that I will walk away if needed; that so far seems to have her scared back into reality.

Sorry, I always seem to ramble. Remember, stay true to yourself. Stand up for what is morally right. Take control-that is what WS's really need. I know you can do this.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 8:08 PM, August 16th (Monday)]

Thanks all for your advice, thoughts and encouragement over the last number of days throughout this thread. I find comfort in the involvement of all of you in my unfortunate situation. I will take it day by day, but I have a thought at this point ringing through my head that I read in one of the other posts, something along the line of "I am not sad that you cheated on me, I am sad that I will never be able to trust you again". Hits home right now, and I just don't know if I can continue on in a relationship where I don't trust my wife. I just can't believe she wants to put the kids through something that I will consider "hell", she just seems to be so OK, thinking the kids won't be affected. Read a quote from Dr. Phil today, that it is better to be from a broken home than be in one. Pretty depressing! Good night all!!