SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

calling the authorities is not just about your physical safety.

its also about getting her the right kind of help she that she so obviously needs.

She could be playing these power cards because she feels POWERLESS, a last resort. She may not try to actually kill herself, but if you start ignoring her current attempts, she may try to hurt herself to find something else that gets your attention.

calling the authorities as its happening increases the odds of them being able to evaluate her in her current state of mind. waiting it out is going to give her a better chance at snowing her IC.

Normal people dont threaten suicide, normal people dont attack their spouse.

calling the authorities isnt the end of your M, its a step towards fixing it.

And this isn't the first time she's done this. It might be "powerlessness" or whatever it is that people tell themselves to stay with someone, but the bottom line is, she's violent when she's crossed. The only person it should matter why to is the police or a therapist; to anyone that she's abusing all that should matter is that they need to stay away from her until she can control herself.

i agree V, fully.

but jesu is choosing to stay.

it doesnt matter why she behaving this way, the point is, she IS, and will likely continue to.

Thats why i say let the pros handle it.

File domestic abuse charges. And then get out, fast.

I'm with SLH.

calling the authorities as its happening increases the odds of them being able to evaluate her in her current state of mind. waiting it out is going to give her a better chance at snowing her IC

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse right now since I believe that it is a good idea to talk this thru with the IC tomorrow(?). But I'm going to beat away anyway.

Are you *in* danger? Maybe. Are you actually afraid for your life during these episodes? Probably not. BUT. You have to consider the *unexpected*. What if she touches you while you are off-balance and you fall and are injured badly? She's going to jail. What if you are *holding her off* and it escalates and the cops are called? Guess who's going to jail....YOU, because she has *marks* on her.

I think a lot of us *understand* what is going on here, and it needs to stop.

Your WW needs help from professionals. A LOT of it. It is not healthy for either one of you to go through these *situations* as much as you are.

You are NOT protecting her by allowing these incidents to happen on a weekly basis. You are enabling her illness.

Let the professionals deal with her, Jesu. Seriously. If you continue in this cycle, I'm really worried that it is going to end up very badly for you.

Good luck at the IC appt.

The problem with calling the police is that they don't just magically appear. Maybe in the states they do but something like this, could take them a few hours.

Well, if the emergency call is for a potential suicide....that would be an *ambulance* call.

I don't think that response would take hours.

jesu is choosing to stay.

Yes, for now.

IC session is tonight, so I guess we'll see how that goes. WSO seems very remorseful, and determined to change for the better. I have been quite stern with her, even today. She knows this situation is on its last legs and that I mean business.

ETA Typing on my phone and can't tidy this up... Please ignore the typos and last sentence :)

I have been in your shoes as my marriage was constantly emotionally abusive and occassionaly physical abusive.

I almost could of written your responses.

Can I suggest that you think about how a long-term relationship would work with your SO. I have never seen an abuser be "cured" never reoffend. Yes she can maybe learn other coping strategies but will her inability to deal with confrontation ever fully disappear? It is doubtful.

Now imagine 5 years down the line you have a toddler and a young baby together.... Would you want your children exposed to her abuse of you? She will be tired an dsrressed with 2 young kids... You need to seriouksy consider if you would want your babies treated the way be is treating you.

Please don't think "oh well if that happens I will divorce her and get full custody". Emotional abuse of kids is very very difficult to prove. Changes are that she would end up with custody and then the kids would be alone with her.

Is that how you want your life to turn out?

My kids were and are still sometimes emotionally abused by their father. Believe me when I tell you that is not something you want to have to deal with.

If you can't leave for yourself - please think about stepping away for the sake of any children you could have one day with her.

I know how hard it is... You sound very loving and caring. You deserve so much more.

Maybe you could also have a IC session of your own to help you understand why you are willing to hold on for so long. I too held on too long.. He had destroyed my self-esteem and somehow I felt that crappy relationship was all I deserved.

Today I am free and know that I am worth only the best.

You are so young - please don't through away the next 15 years with her.

My ex became emotionally abusive to my kids and occasion physical abusive.

[This message edited by timeforchange at 1:11 AM, September 20th (Thursday)]

Thanx timeforchange, but I have no desire to have children and neither does she.

Sorry to have made that assumption Jesu...

Wishing you all the best whatever happens

The problem with calling the police is that they don't just magically appear. Maybe in the states they do but something like this, could take them a few hours.

In the states it takes few hours. No cop wants to go to a domestic violence call. They're the most unpredictable.

I was in a LTR where my then-gf went from being manipulative/controlling to verbally and emotionally abusive, to physically abusive. I felt like I was walking on eggshells 24/7 (I was). She was Borderline Personality Disorder + raging alcoholic.

I finally got out when she told me, "Sometimes when you're asleep, I fantasize about killing you with the big kitchen knife."

And she was *shocked* when I told her, "I'm done."

These people, male or female, just escalate and escalate over time. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can't seriously injure or even kill you in one of her abusive rages.

How did the IC go???

You are not responsible for her health and well-being. She is physically and emotionally abusive and then threatens self-harm which is highly manipulative.

Just wanted to echo that statement.

I will never understand why people put up with abuse. Never.

This woman sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

You really need to try to get out of this. Not married, no kids, she is about to lose her job, and she assaults you? I'm not seeing how there's anything tying you down here, no responsibility and no benefits.

Ok... If I could change the name on this thread from Jesu to wonderingbull it would be an exact duplicate of the sitch I was in...

I rationalized like you...I mean, I rationalized EXACTLY like you...

Your story is my story dude...

It's not going to get better...

After the first attack the ex begged and pleaded... What did I do? I rationalized it away... I thought, oh IC will make things all better... BULLSHIT!

After the second time it happened I told her to leave the house immediately... She fell to the floor and cried and begged... What did I do? Rationalized it away... Again... She jumped my bones that night and all was right with the world... BULLSHIT!

The third time it happened she shoved me on my deck, I fell over an ottoman and tore up my knee... As I lay on the deck in pain I told her to leave and if I see her again I was getting a restraining order... What did I do? Rationalize it away... Had sex later that night.... BULLSHIT...

I'm an upper middle class professional guy that lives in a very nice area... No one would have believed that I was battered by a woman that is a healthcare executive...

Let me tell you how it ended... Yours will end and maybe, just maybe you won't be as lucky as me...

I was out with friends on a Thanksgiving nite, going to a lights on event... We all went for a couple of drinks afterwards... I went home turned on the television and stretched out on my couch... Fell asleep and was woken up by a screaming raving woman... She had crawled through the doggie door...

She grabbed me, hit me and I ran to the bathroom and locked the door... Waited for who knows how long... I could hear the front door opening and closing... Thought she was gone... Came out of the bathroom...

Surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was pointing a pistol at me from the front porch... She'd stolen my dog grabbed the gun from her car and I was staring down the barrel of a 38...

I didn't know if it was loaded...

Back to the bathroom only this time I was curled up in the bathtub fearing for my life...

Called the police from the bathtub...

Police, with lights and sirens come screaming into my driveway... She was gone but had dropped the gun on the front porch....

What did I do this time? Pressed charges, got an R.O., she lost her 6 figure job and thanked god I was still alive...

Jerry Springer has nothing on my ass...

I will tell you again and you fucking listen....

THIS WILL NOT STOP.... Get it through your fucking head.... THIS WILL NOT STOP!!!!!!!

You don't owe that woman a damn thing... You know how helpless it is to stand there and get hit repeatedly...

It will happen again... I'll bet you every dime I've got and I'll throw in my dog too....

Now that's one hell of a lot bigger than a 2x4...

WB

Powerful post,WB

(((((Jesu)))))

(((((WB)))))

You know, one thing I've learned is that you can't seem to talk someone who is being abused into getting out. It seems to be about the same as using reason to get someone to hand over a crack pipe.

Thanx timeforchange, but I have no desire to have children and neither does she.

Have you had a vasectomy? Because there are a lot of unplanned kids out there -- and she'll get fired very soon, which might make having a baby a better option than getting another job in her world...

This woman sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

You really need to try to get out of this. Not married, no kids, she is about to lose her job, and she assaults you? I'm not seeing how there's anything tying you down here, no responsibility and no benefits.

I love her, pure and simple.

Wonderingbull, thanx for your insightful post, I read you loud and clear. As we live in Australia, firearms are almost non existent, so at least I don't have to worry about that.

Have you had a vasectomy? Because there are a lot of unplanned kids out there -- and she'll get fired very soon, which might make having a baby a better option than getting another job in her world...

Vasectomy? Hell no...nobody is messing with my plumbing. Like I said, she has no desire to have children. She'd have an abortion way before considering having a child.

[This message edited by Jesu at 1:23 AM, September 21st (Friday)]

How did the IC go???

It was...interesting. Her IC is very concerned about WSO, but didn't seem too interested in my needs, in regards to honesty, remorse, transparency, communication, and conflict skills. She seems to think that WSO has BPD, and currently does not have the skills to give me what I need to stay in a relationship with WSO. At the same time she realises that the way WSO has treated me and continues to treat me is unacceptable, and gave me the impression that we should separate and give each other space. In a way it almost came across like she is an enabler and was kind of validating WSO behaviour. She is definitely not getting WSO to hold herself completely accountable for her behaviour. I got the impression that over the last few weeks they've talked a lot about my flaws and how our relationship problems previous to the A led WSO to have the A. Also that me being angry about the A and bringing it up all the time with WSO is not going to let us heal. I told the IC that it sounded like a whole lot of blame shifting to me, and that she had to realise that WSO tends to bend the truth quite a bit and that she probably was not getting the full picture of what is going on. In the end I was left feeling that a new IC for WSO my be in order, because so far, after 5 sessions things have not improved and have in fact gotten worse as a result.

[This message edited by Jesu at 1:25 AM, September 21st (Friday)]