SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She agreed to a polygraph today to prove they didnt' have sex.

That is a good first step and I truly hope she follows through with it. Many, many times we have seen instances here of the WS will agree to the poly only to try and get out of it later on. Basically they try to use it as a bluff. "I must be telling the truth because I am willing to take a poly"

I've also got it on good authority from my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) that they didn't.

Curious how your S-I-L would know this. And why she would not tell you (or at the very least your brother) about what your WW did?

You're right, she is a liar and I can't believe that the affair is even over. That may be why she is really so upset about sending the letter cutting it off.

Try not to pay too much attention to her words. Look at her actions. Her actions will tell you what she is really thinking. Not her words. And right now her actions and words are telling you quite different stories.

Hugs, Calkid.

My situation is similar. High school sweethearts. Onlies. Married 24 years when I found out. I found out because I got HPV. WH said it was a drunken ONS oral. Swore on our children's lives there was no more. Was willing to take a lie detector. 15 months later I found a lot of information including a love letter to a coworker which he tried to pass off as written to me. Ended u there were 5 women over 4 years as well as flirting going back 13 years. I NEVER would have suspected it until the last 4 years. I should have pursued the lie detector. Go through with it. She will likely find excuses to delay it. She will avoid the whole truth.

I am so sorry for what your W is putting you through. They think the marriage will end if they tell us the ugly truth. In reality it's the lying that kills it. You find out you didn't know what the were capable of. That they could look you in the eyes and lie for years. They lie because it benefits them.

My advice is to stop taking care of your WW so much

This^

My WH turned everything into a situation that put the focus on him and his healing. He went to rehab to avoid telling me the truth. I supported him through it. He did not support my healing.

The second "full truth" my WH went away and I talked him through a deep depression and suicide threats over the phone all night. Once again the focus was on him.

Two days later I pointed out these behaviors and told him no more. He could focus where he wanted but I was putting my focus on my healing.

Some important advice:

*Read the Healing Library in the yellow box to the left

*Get tested for a full panel of STDs. Make sure you request herpes as it is not generally done unless there are symptoms. Yes, it is embarrassing but the doctors are really wonderful about it. I was so surprised.

*Take care of yourself. Cut out alcohol for awhile or at least limit it. It does not help and can hurt. Drink water. Try to eat. Try to rest. Get out of the house. Try to keep busy if possible. Down time hurts me. Too much thinking and mind wandering.

Remember, there is someone here who has been through every situation. We are here for advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just an ear for listening. You are not alone.

[This message edited by fallingquickly at 7:30 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

"I will not sit around here and be treated like a person who has no rights or a peice of garbage. I'm a person and I deserve to be treated like one." "You can make me bleed Calkid, but you can't drain all the blood from me."

Wow! She sounds real sorry....NOT.

I don't know. Sounds to me like she is still involved with this guy. And I also agree with the others. You haven't heard the whole ugly truth yet.

It might be time for you to pull back. Don't be so eager to want to reconcile (or let her know you do). She needs to worry a little bit about what all she has to lose.

Right now she has you willing to do everything and everything to make the marriage work. And she's got that idiot waiting in the wings. She's driving this thing while you just ride along.

Take her up on the polygraph. But be prepared for more bombs to drop. And have your consequences spelled out before she flunks. More importantly be prepared to follow through on those consequences.

Well, whe says that she didn't have sex with him because she wasn't looking for sex. She loved the attention and needed someone to validate her as more than a house wife and mother. She didn't need sex from Mr. D because she was getting sex from me. She also says that her vagina was off limits because it was for me alone. She had 5 of my babies with that thing. Now, it may be she's telling the truth about that but I'd never know it because she's proven time and time again that she is very capable of lying. And, I'm not at the point where I believe this fling has been cut off with Mr. D either. I have listened to several interviews about how the spouses act when they are caught and how they act then they are asked to send the cut off letter and she's acting exactly how the experts say they will act. They don't want to send the letter if the guy is still waiting in the wings. They lash out and get mad when they feel they are being bullied of driven to do things they don't want to do. When, they're no long in control if they want to stay in the marriage. This whole thing is just horrible and I wish I were not going through it.

She also says that her vagina was off limits because it was for me alone

or

he massaged her vagina through the panties and tights.

Which is it? Or is a massage OK?

I'm sorry- I know you know your wife best but- seems like you're getting bullshit from her.

I think you need to take some control now- tell her what you need- if she wants R let her work at it!!!

Oh yeah, the other night when she was supposedly telling me the whole truth, she said that Mr. D did not see her boobs nor did he suck on them. "He kissed my chest region." Last night in bed she told me he took her boobs out of her shirt and kissed them. I asked her why she didn't tell me before that he did that she says, "It was just a little detail" and "it was too much information at once". What? Either you are going to tell the truth or you aren't.

She made me promis the other night that I wouldn't talk to Mr. D or contact him in any way before she would tell me any details. She swore she would leave if I did. So, I promised. Now, I have his home and cell numbers and he's actually one of my "friends" on facebook. Should I go back on my promise and just contact him anyway? She swears she doesn't want to send the cancellation letter because she doesn't want anymore shame but I think its because she hasn't ended things with him or she's afraid I'll find out she did have sex with him. I was asking her what all her apprehentions were about sending the letter in the car last night and she actually said, "I promised I wouldn't tell" I hit the roof! I yelled, "You promised you'd never cheat!" She shut down. She also told me that the more I talk about it, the more she's have trouble not thinking about it too. She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement. Horrible to hear your wife tell you something like that man. HORRIBLE

((((Calkid))))

Hugs and more hugs.

This doesn't bode well.

I know you are hoping for another outcome, but your wife is DEEP in her FOG. If you don't believe in the fog, let's just say then she is NOT remorseful - AT ALL.

"I promised I wouldn't tell" I hit the roof! I yelled, "You promised you'd never cheat!" She shut down. She also told me that the more I talk about it, the more she's have trouble not thinking about it too. She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement. Horrible to hear your wife tell you something like that man. HORRIBLE

Dear lord, this has got to be one of the most f'd up things I've read lately. She really has built up some resentment toward you. My fWH did the same thing. In order to justify his sh*tty behavior, he DEMONIZED me. I don't know if he ever looked back realistically and saw otherwise. I think he may still believe I was so evil I deserved all the pain I got.

I know you want this to work out. I know it hurts. But, until she is owning her stuff and feels some REMORSE, you are spinning your wheels.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF THIS.

Do not let her f*cked up perceptions convince you otherwise.

As others have expressed, you cannot nice / love her back. The only hope you have is play hardball - and pray she will snap out of this self-inflicted coccoon of righteousness.

((((Calkid))))

So very sorry.

She also told me that the more I talk about it, the more she's have trouble not thinking about it too. She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement.

calkid,

FWW said this same thing to me almost word for word in the weeks after dday. Six months later when the TT stopped (for the most part) I found out the sex was much more frequent, I found out about stexting, pictures and phone sex.

From what you are posting she is at least hiding more of the truth, and at worst hoping to rugsweep and get back with OM. Ask for the timeline and use the lie detector to confirm. Had I done that I would have saved 3-4 months of anguish.

Listen to the folks on here. You need to take control of this situation right now. I know it's scary as hell, I was there a year ago. I tried to "nice" my way through things. The only thing that can save your marriage is you taking control. Now!

My XWW did the exact same things. Almost word for word. Don't believe anything she tells you. Do you want to save your marriage? Then you need to stand up for it. She's deep in the fog. Don't try to rationalize.

Here's what I learned I should've done. Everyone on here told me to and I didn't listen. I didn't want to listen. Demand immediate NC (send the letter Now!) and full access to phones, whereabouts, etc OR you file for D. It seems counterintuitive but she will respect you for doing so. I believe if I would have done this I may have saved my M. She needs to see you are serious and strong enough to fight for your M. Visit a lawyer and get a business card, even that will get her attention. You don't deserve this. You can only work on the M after she is snapped out of her fantasy. She's trying to have both right now, her fantasy and her M. Make her choose, and the sooner you do the better. It's hard man, I know. I didn't do it. When I finally did it was too late. Strength.

Your wife has lost a lot of respect for you over the years; 5 kids and their needs and the sheer familiarity of day to day living stripped the value from you.

If you couple this with the fact that she has no fear that you will leave, [think of the CS alone!], mainly because you obviously love her totally and completely. Then she has the power in this relationship not you.

You are in serious trouble. She has no remorse and I suspect she intends to cheat again when the opportunity arises. All this because WW has lost all respect for you.

Your problem is how to reestablish your status in the marriage and stop letting your WW take you and the relationship for granted. Toughen up, or be prepared for more misery to come.

I know you are reading this and saying to yourself how is it possible that these people can be so sure about the behavior of my wife.

Let me put it to you this way.

It's like a movie you have watched. You only need to see it once to know EXACTLY what's happening as it's unfolding. This is really no different.

There is only one script for these things and they all seem to follow it. Your story sounds exactly like my story and the one everyone else here has lived through. IT'S ALL THE SAME.

My wife did EXACTLY the same thing that yours is. EXACTLY.

First it was just friends. Then it was a little more. Then it was a little more.

To her the truth was only what I had separately found out. She admitted NOTHING and is still in denial.

This is what I would do if I had it to do over again.

Contact the OM. Tell him he has 2 hours to send you a detailed timeline on EVERYTHING that happened or you will tell his wife.

If you don't get it, tell his wife immediately. If you get it, send it to her anyway.

You still don't know the truth and she is still in contact with him. I'd bet my next paycheck on that.

Go forward with the polygraph, I think she is bluffing you.

ETA If I had it to do over again I would have filed for divorce. Did I want to work it out? Sure I did but it would have saved me a world of heartache. You can't bring them back around with love. It just ain't gonna happen. This is a wake up call situation.

If I would have served my wife with papers, all her shenanigans would have come to a complete and abrupt halt immediately. But I didn't and it drug on for months.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 9:01 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

calkid

This...

She also said, part of her still looks back on the memories of being with him with fondness and excitement

is about the only thing that she has said that you can believe. And she is probably understating (lying about) the degree of "fondness and excitement"

Sorry calkid but read the responses of the other BS's who will see that the things your WW are saying and doing match the behaviors their WS's displayed. You will also see that they are all in agreement in their opinions that she is still lying to you and that she probably had sex with him.

As for this...

but I think its because she hasn't ended things with him or she's afraid I'll find out she did have sex with him

Unfortunately I think you are correct on both counts. She did have sex with him. And the affair continues. My advice is to move forward with the polygraph. She offered so take her up on it. As damaged71 said, call her bluff

Horrible to hear your wife tell you something like that man. HORRIBLE

Yes they are like dagger to your soul. And the mind movie just kill you inside. :

-slight t/j @ok now...saying his wife lost respect for him sounds as if you're saying he has some responsibility in the reason his wife cheated.

His wife lost respect for herself...that is why she cheated.

CallKid--tell your WW to sit down before she hurts herself. She must be terribly dizzy from all of the *spinning* she's doing.

She was looking for attention and validation--not sex. And she considered her vagina *yours*.

But the action of the story doesn't really *match up* with what she's saying, right? If she only desired *attention*, she most likely would have engaged in *lead him on*-type of behavior.....NOT kissing, letting him kiss her boobs, or get his mitts on her lady bits.

In your conversations with her, she is dropping *clues* that there is more to the story:

"It was just a little detail" and "it was too much information at once"

She made me promise the other night that I wouldn't talk to Mr. D or contact him in any way before she would tell me any details

Right now, the conversations that you are having with her are wholly unproductive, so you need a new strategy.

I would suggest that you sit her down and tell her that you want a written account of her dealings with OM....to the level of *detail* that YOU desire. Schedule and follow through on a poly. And there is to be NO contact with OM....and you need access to any of the means that she would use if they were to be in contact.

She doesn't get to negotiate this or pout like a child. If she resists, then tell her that *sharing* her is distasteful to you and something that you are unwilling to do.

And then just be civil to her. No more questioning. No more emotional displays in front of her. During this time, your new go-to words for anything that she asks of you are: "I'm not comfortable with that right now."

You've already learned to not make any promises. The situation is way to ephemeral right now for you to be *giving your word* to her about anything. I got stuck in this trap for a long time before I realized what was happening. Sultan would get me to say that I'd work on R if he *did* whatever I was asking.....so I ended up being stuck. I finally learned a different response: "I can't promise to do that, but I CAN promise what will happen if you don't do what I'm asking."

Situations like I'm seeing in your posts can quickly turn into unproductive power struggles that can go on for years. BTDT. Those power struggles are emotionally draining and torturous for a BS.....so try to avoid this.

Sending you hugs.... My H was/is in a LTA EA. I confronted the OW more than once. She said she would back off and did for a while. Then she got mad at me!! H and OW work together. I think communication between them is slowing down but I'm not sure. In any case the OW lied and lied...and blames me! She's having an EA with my H and she's mad at me!!!

bottom line..they know what they are doing is wrong...and they don't care....they are all the same...

She made me promis the other night that I wouldn't talk to Mr. D or contact him in any way before she would tell me any details. She swore she would leave if I did.

Let her go.

Until she changes her attitude she is toxic to you. You aren't going to Nice some sense into your WW.

God, I am angry because this is the same shit my wife tried to pull when she was discovered.

She doesn't want you to talk to the OM most likely because she doesn't want you to find out the truth, or because she is hoping to continue with him (or still is). Both of these are unacceptable.

Other people have given you good advice. Please listen to them. I am only chiming in because this is the same kind of stuff my wife did when she was discovered.

I mean really...she's going to leave you? sorry that's f-d up.

Calkid,

We all understand that need to hang on to that last bit of hope that our spouse certainly wouldn't lie about ________because they promised or swore ________. We've all been there. And we've all clung to that hope or promise in one form or another. But in the end my friend, it's really only denial on your part.

The others are right and you are getting excellent advice. You cannot love her out of this. Actually, the nicer you are at this point, the worst I fear it will be for you.

Please go back and reread this thread from the beginning. It is not a coincidence that the members here knew before you what was going on.

Please protect yourself. This is going to get much worse for you before it gets better.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 3:11 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

Well, I took your advise. I called Mr. D this morning and read him the riot act. I told him that he was pond scum, naval lint, and the lowest form of life. To which he replied, "You're right sir, I am." I then asked, "Do you have any idea what I'll do to you if I ever see you again?" To which he responded, "Probably kick the sh*t outta me?" "I'll stomp a freaking mold hole in ya and walk you dry. You stay away from my wife and keep your d*ck beaters away from her." The I asked him what he had to say for himself. He responded, "I suck. I'm totally ashamed of myself. I need a lot of work." I agreed with him, told him all of the heartache, pain, and misery that he invoked on us and he apologized profusely. Told him that if he is ever in my state again that he better stay out of my town cuz it would be very bad for him if I ever saw him again. Then I told him that all contact with my wife is to cease. Do not text, write, call, or email and that if he did, I'd hop the next flight back east and find him. "I understand sir. I don't want you to find me. All contact from here on has ceased. I will stay the hell out of your lives. He also promised to not tell anyone of the affair and not to slander my wife's good name at all. I told him that he took a virtuous woman and changed her into a bad girl and that he should be utterly ashamed of himself. I blame my wife for this too for changing but she was trying to run from him and he chased her and broke down her defenses to wear she sunk so low to allow herself to be degraded to sucking this guy off and letting him cum in her mouth and swallowing his garbage. She hasn't let me do that to her since we were teenagers. I also asked him to recount the events of the physical encounters and his story matches up perfectly with my wife's. He did not touch her vagina except through her jeans. This matches up with my wife's version, and the version she told my sister-in-law, who is her best friend. No need for a lie detecter. I'm done investigating. I know all the facts finally. This feels so good! This is the best I've felt in the last 48 hours. I've got my balls back!!! Before this conversation took place I was walking around in a quagmire of confusion, heartache, doubt, and anger. So, I told my wife that I was going to come home, pack a bag, and stay with a friend a few days. She said, "I didn't sleep with him nor did he touch my p*ssy! Fine, I'll see you when you get home." About 1/2 hour I got off the phone with Mr. D, she said she sent the non-contact letter in a text. I have told her to save the texts. She said she texted him and asked if he could talk to which he responded, "Nope", She asked why and he responded, "I'm not allowed to talk to you at all anymore." She then texted, "Calkid knows!" He said, "Yep" She said, "It's over, goodbye forever." He said goodbye and walked out of our lives. Thank God!!! I feel like the heavy weight champ of the world! I was elated to tell this douche bag exactly what I thought of him. It feels so good that I was able to do that and that after I threatened not to come home, my wife sent the letter. I feel like the Mack truck that has been sitting on my chest is rolling away. Still hurts tremendously to think of my wife doing that stuff with him but I feels worlds better! Thank you all for the good advice!

Congratulations!

Just one piece of further advice. Now you have demonstrated that you will not allow yourself to treated like a doormat, remain strong. Tell her if she ever pulls this shit again she's in for a world of hurt.

You will not allow your WW to ever treat you with such disrespect again.