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Rocket,

Find out how long it takes for the divorce process in your state. If it will take a few months you may want to go ahead and get this process rolling as soon as you can. If things change during this period and if your WW gets her head of of her ass and wakes from the fog, is totally remorseful for what she did and wants to reconcile then you can pull the petition. However, if it gets worse then you'll be glad the time will not have been wasted in filing and you'll already be much closer to the divorce being final.

One of the traps we get into is not setting a firm deadline for moving on or reconciling. Starting the divorce process is one way to enforce it. Also, it will tell your WW you will not be a doormat for her so she better own her shit and do something about it cause the clock is ticking.

You should expose her friend too.

Rocket ((hugs))

I have just read all 3 pages and I noticed something. You said your marriage has been dead. You hardly talk about your love for your wife and it's all about your son.

Now 2 things stand out here.

1. Don't reconcile for your son only

2. If your marriage is ONLY about your son, you shouldn't reconcile.

Some couples make the mistake of not working on their relationship and only being a parent. One day your son will grow up and live his own life. Who do you want to be with then? Your wife?

p.s. Please people, work on your marriage and not just your kids. Don't make them your all. I am saying this as a Mum.

By me telling his wife isnt that giving my wife what she wants? His wife may just throw him out and my wife will follow him I'm sure

Just the opposite.

She wants both. To have both, OM and the Marriage in tact, the secret must be kept from both BS's. If she and the OM had simply wanted out of their marriages they could have left at anytime. But they haven't. They want both. The comfort of family and the familiar, along with the excitement of some strange on the side. That's what affairs are made of. They are high on dopamine, amping up their high with an infusion of adrenaline (risk).

That's the thing about Affairs.

Inform the BS with your proof without giving anyone any warning.

Right now you have the trump card and nobody knows it. When the discovery hits hard, and they find you've taken away all the places they could run and hide, the A can't survive. Take away all the safe places for this secret to thrive and you will suck the life away from the A.

The advice you have been given here, is from thousands and thousands of experiences of people in your situation. The advice is solid.

Sorry that you are here and that your life has been turned upside down by this. It's a long road, but one you don't have to travel alone.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 1:55 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Wow

So much great advice. I really can't add it it.

Just some thoughts.

I often think that the WS sees themselves as being in control. They control when/if they see the AP, how they interact with you, whether they have sex with you and what it is like, whether they nice to you or crabby. They control it all. They don't have to invest in their relationship with you because they have their backup waiting in the wings to do the ego stroke and provide the porn star sex when they need it.

Let me emphasise this. They are used to feeling in control. To have any chance of shaking them out of their stupidity you have to take control.

These are some of the things I said to my FWH on dday. In no particular order.

- If they mean so much to you - then go. I don't want you. I don't want a man who isn't 100% committed to me.

- By the way.... if you are so "in love" why are you still here????

- Your whores may be willing to share you with me but I will never knowingly share my man with another woman. I'm worth more than that. Choose me or leave.

- Do it again and we are finished. No excuses, no remorse, nothing will convince me to stay. This is your one and only chance.

- If I let you stay it is on my terms. I am not ready to S/D at the moment. I don't have the strength to face it right now. That means you have time.... time to prove to me that you are worth keeping.

The very WORST thing a BS can do is beg or plead. To allow themselves to be the second choice or the backup plan.

My prediction is that when you tell his BW he will drop your wife like a hot potato. If he doesn't and they decide they are in luuuurve and ride off together into the sunset then let her go. She's not worth your time or effort.

BIG HUGS and good luck

Laura

Rocket,

You really are getting great advice here. On top of all of it, I want to stress this phrase from Laura:

If I let you stay it is on my terms. I am not ready to S/D at the moment. I don't have the strength to face it right now. That means you have time.... time to prove to me that you are worth keeping.

The very WORST thing a BS can do is beg or plead. To allow themselves to be the second choice or the backup plan.

Fear is a HUGE factor in the initial stages. Not many people are able to even fathom walking away in the beginning. It is just too overwhelming.

But that is where you need to focus. Because once you start to process everything, and come to understand that leaving is NOT the worst possible scenario---then things will be seen in a different light. You will be able to process thoughts much more rationally.

Work on getting past the fear. Don't be afraid to blow everything sky high when you have your information. It was mentioned a couple of posts earlier about the wayward's perceived sense of control.

Remove that sense from them.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 6:35 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Rocket, I can't really add anything, this is all solid advice. I had my D-Day a few months back and I scoffed when people suggested that the waywards and their APs all follow a script. Amazingly, they do.

OMW found out 2.5 weeks before I did and they true to form, took the affair underground. When I also found out, the fantasy was over and they both threw each other under a bus.

The only suggestion I will give you is to not feel pressured to make a decision. Take all the time you need. Time is the only thing thay will give you clarity. One of the best quotes I've read on here is that 'the cure for the pain, is the pain.' It is unavoidable, soul destroying pain, but a pain you will face and deal with (and ultimately conquer) nonetheless. I assure you he will throw your wife under a bus once his other half knows. Your wife has already left you, the wife you had no longer exists. It's up to her and yourself to decide whether you want anything to do with the 'new' one.

Let us know how you get on mate and keep posting for support.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 6:41 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Keep posting Rocket.....don't stray from here...it keeps you grounded and supported!! Trust me!

Rocket:

I was in your shoes just a few months ago. Stay strong. You will get through this. I agree with all of the advice you have been given so far. Here are a few other things I would do:

1) After consulting your lawyer, see if it would be worthwhile to contact your WW's HR department at work. If this OM is your WW's boss, then he will surely get fired. Even if they work on separate teams, I'm sure the HR dept will frown upon this type of behavior. Your WW could get fired too, so before exposing at work, talk with your lawyer

2) If you can access her phone, install a spyware app on it. There are several varieties usually intended to keep track of teens. Also activate the GPS tracking feature on her phone. Don't tell her you've done this. You will need the spyware and tracking feature AFTER d-day to see if she is maintaining NC

3) On the day you chose for exposure, make sure you post the OM on cheater websites. Also post your WW's slutty friend who is also having an A on cheater websites. Insist that your wife cut-off ties with the two friends who encouraged the A. Alert their husbands as to what these two sluts have been doing in their spare time.

4) Go buy a couple of VARs and plant them around the house, and one in her car. Best model is Sony ICD-PX312. Turn off the beep feature and turn on the voice activation feature before deploying. Secure it with heavy duty velcro. DON'T EVER REVEAL to her that you have a VAR. Keep her guessing, she will think that you have a PI following. This will be REALLY USEFUL after D-day to see if NC is really kept or not.

[This message edited by kalimata at 8:54 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

I'm still here. I've read everybody's posts. Thank you for the info and support. Btw, he was fired back in April for some reason. Tough time in her life as I remember. Friends helped her through with words of encouragement and inspirational bullshit. I have texts between her and both friends for a year. Implicates one of them having an affair too. The other one is a psychologist who has been been in affair when she was single that of course ended with the guy not leaving his wife. He told her everything she wanted to hear to keep fucking her as long as he possibly could. Great advice she has given my wife.

I still don't know how I'm going to proceed. She knows something is wrong with me but she's too stupid to put two and two together. Hard for me to talk to lawyer etc this week. My son is on break and I'm here all day with him. I have a seasonal business so I'm basically home in the winter.

My best friend has been through this years ago and has helped me not to go nuts on her. Plus I can't with my kid around. I've been through every emotion and keep moving back and forth through them all. Right now I feel like I'm mourning the life I thought I was going to have and worked so hard for. Not knowing how the future life will be. She has single handedly destroyed several lives here including her own. Guess it was worth it.

I don't want to be a pussy about this. I need time to suck it up and destroy her, him and her "friends". I know she won't comply to a list of demands that includes her never talking to those two again let alone her man. I guess that gives me my answer and plan. I don't think I can get over knowing I slept in the same bed with her while she had his cum in her. Sorry so graphic but I'm angry.

I know she won't comply to a list of demands that includes her never talking to those two again let alone her man.

Don't assume this. you have no idea how she'll react, just as she has no idea how you will.

Rocket, it sounds to me as if you are really getting yourself ready to explode, and that is not good. Anger is better than depression, but about to explode is dangerous.

Do not worry about being a pussy about this, no one in the world is judging how you act. Acting with intelligence and not destroying someone is not acting like a pussy.

It sounds like you have all of your evidence ready. But have you made up your mind, do you want to stay with your wife and get through this or have you made up your mind divorce no matter what.

If it is divorce, then you just need to talk to a lawyer now and file the papers. Before you do explode.

You are imaging all types of outcomes that might or might not happen. Once found out, your wife might come out of the fog and into reality again. It is amazing the fog that a WS will get into.

Once you do confront, keep your anger in check, cops will arrest you at a moments notice these days and then where will you be.

Forget her friends for now, many people have no idea what it is like to be in your position.

Confronting your wife will most likely burst the bubble of the affair, affairs are no fun once they are out in the light of day. And no fun means the party is over. Watch the OM throw your wife under the bus.

Decide if you are going to try and reconcile or divorce no matter what.

I'm not going to do anything physical to anyone. I always think of my son first. I wouldn't put myself I'm a position to be away from him.

So what is stopping you from confronting?

Your little boy is always present? I know that he just broke his arm. So sorry, I hope he gets better soon.

Is there no one around that you trust that could keep him for a day or two?

Are you waiting so that you can find the POSOM's BS?

Perhaps if you go premium here on SI, you would have access to the Investigative Tips forum and get some help there on finding POSOM.

The reason for the query is that you are reaching the anger stage (which is good by the way) but you will need to let some steam off for your health sake.

And since you can see texts and such it must be galling to read the missives between her whorish sidekicks and her. Sometimes the WS think that we BS are soooo stupid...The fucking nerve! Retribution will be sweet.

I love shock and awe too. Just don't want you to hurt your health by waiting too long.

Take Care Rocket.

Rocket, have you decided if you are going to divorce no matter what or are you still hoping to stay together?

Finding the OMs wife's phone number. In the good old days, every house had a number, so I guess this address does not have a landline?

You can pay to get just about anyone's cell phone number and do background searches. Just read the fine print and make sure you are only paying for ONE search and not signing up for some automatically monthly bill.

I don't think you need to wait to get her number before confronting your wife. If it comes to letting the OM wife know, you can always write her a letter and mail it to the house. Send it registered to where she has to sign for it.

I think you should get the affair ended as soon as possible and out in the open by letting your wife know that you do know. The longer it goes on, the worse it can get. Your wife might even turn it on you by asking things like, why did you let it go on.

I don't have their address. I have his full name and cell number

Can't find him on Facebook either. Not on my wife's friend list. I know they have Facebooked before though because she referenced it in a text.

I don't know what I'm waiting for. I need to takes notes maybe to stay on point when I do confront. Trying to pull myself out of this funk. Not feeling well I am eating and I know it's important. I will pull it together soon.

Rocket, you are making excuses, and fear of the unknown can be paralyzing. Find someone to watch your boy for a few hours and see an attorney.

Once you have that knowledge you will be able to decide how to proceed. As far as the AP's wife, you should be able to figure that stuff out, by using the internet. There are all kinds of resources to reverse lookup numbers to addresses and so forth. Hell ask the Attorney how to go about it, when you see him.

Get some answers so you can protect yourself.

(((and strength))))

Anybody know the best way for me to get OM address? I have his full name and cell phone number. I paid at two sites for more info but haven't gotten address. I don't care about the money. Just want to find his address so I can let his wife know and get this going.

Thanks

He knows.....

He is running cyber wise....covering his tracks.

Mine did the same....trying to prevent his wife from finding out. I googled his name until I found an article about a death in his family...and found her name...googled her name until I found where she worked.....called...got her number....which he had turned off....dead end. Found his address through one of those real estate sites....sent 3 letters certified in a row.....he got two of them...she got the third....and all hades broke loose. Fantasy Land exploded

He can't know. She doesn't know. I know that for sure. He has a very common name. I found out his last name the day I found out last week. I think he has 2 cell phones. He may be covering his tracks with some sort of software I agree. But he may have been doing that from the start. He's probably an experienced cheater. He should have advised my wife too. I did find it really odd when I checked the cell phone bills that his number never shows up on bill. I have the physical texts from that number on my wife's phone. I took pics of them. Thousands of texts between her and friends show up but not his. Know that's not true. What's up with that ? Probably keeping his wife from busting him on their bill. Doesn't matter i have the physical evidence. He sent my wife a pic of his c*ck. Yes, keeping it classy for sure. I'm sure his wife can identify him. He also mentioned his sons name.