SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Time to get the kids ready for bed. Thank you all.

Why can I not get it right? My family is all I have, why do I constantly do things to mess it up?

Slow down. Breathe. You can't get it right because you don't have the tools to get yourself out of the fucked up situation you put yourself in. That's like wondering why you're not able to build a sturdy house even though you have no damn clue what you're doing. This process takes time and you have plenty of that, believe me. One step at a time and if you're unsure about what that next step should be, come here.

Why did you lie to your H when he asked you where you were?

If you knew that you were on thin ice with your H, why the continued lies and going behind his back? What was the payoff for you to do something that you knew would upset your H? Did you think about that before you did it?

Mj is right about gaining the tools needed to start this process. Asking yourself some of these hard questions can be where this starts. Know that we aren't here to come down on you, but to help you.

[This message edited by tired girl at 7:00 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

But I didn't want to lose him so I hide things.

I understand this way of thinking but the truth is that hiding things is exactly what will make you lose him.

Hiding things does not protect him. He will find out anyway. It just takes a little detective work. He seems like a guy that will find out the truth. And making him do the work to get the truth will piss him off. So in the end you haven't protected him and you haven't protected you either.

Trying to hide the truth almost cost me my M. Sometimes we pull our head out of our asses early on and sometimes it's just too late. I got lucky, maybe you will too. It's hard to say. But something to think about is why do you need to hear that he may forgive you? Honestly, any answer is just hypothetical. What really matters is the work you do on yourself. Let go of the outcome.

Perhaps it's time to do the right thing because well, it's the right thing to do. Not because he wants you to or it makes you look like or a good person or because you are worried what others may think.

No I didn't think. I was suppossed to be home and I just said it. I had no idea he was there and again I wanted to appear to be a good wife, so I lied. It makes no sense I know. I want to fix this so badly, I am not always thinking right. My brother just got here to take my kids into another room, so they can talk to their father. WTF have I done?

So sorry,

I am not very familiar with your story but have read your BH recent post in JFO.

I think you took a great first step by posting here, especially knowing the type of feedback you might recieve. I think that was very brave of you.

Like you, my BH caught me in my A and I then took it underground. He kicked me out of our house and even that was not enough to wake me up....I still continued to lie to him (and everyone here) for another 8 months before I finally got my head out of my ass. So I understand your situation, and also understand his anger....my BH had the same anger and still has it now.

I dont have any great words of wisdom for you...just wanted to say I understand what you are going through and how you are feeling.

The other wiser waywards will give you better input and will help you....listen to what they say.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:23 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

Perhaps it's time to do the right thing because well, it's the right thing to do. Not because he wants you to or it makes you look like or a good person or because you are worried what others may think.

This.

If you are going to get serious about fix YOU, then you are going to have to learn a whole new way of doing things. It is going to feel very different at first. Learn to be authentic, quit doing things out of fear, or because you need people to see you a certain way. And for right now, give your husband the space he is asking for because it is what HE needs. What YOU need has been put on your front burner for awhile.

This is going to feel different, and hard. But in the end, it will be worth it for you, and your family. You need to figure out why it was ok for you to betray yourself, and your values. And it wasn't because you were bored. There is a much deeper reason.

For now, work on being brutally honest. Always. With everything. And respect what he is asking for.

SoSorry17 -

Thank you for posting. I am not in a position to give advice (since i don't even know which way is up at the moment) but i wanted to thank you for sharing because I am in the same position. I feel like i keep messing up. I say something to my BH and its wrong, I try to do something and it is wrong. He is the love of my life and I can't believe I would jeopardize that.

When i first came to the site some of the first advice given was: Please take care of you. Sleep, exercise, eat, and get into counseling!

.

You original question was, Can I Fix This?

No.

You cannot fix it, if by "it" you mean the marriage (M), or SWAT's broken heart.

You're probably nowhere near ready to hear this, I certainly wasn't when my head was still completely up my ass like yours is now (sorry, but it takes a recovering foggy delusional WS to know one). But the first step is, you need to let go of the outcome of your M. You need to choose to fix you for you. For your children. Not because you're panicking due to the D papers.

You were bored. That is not a "why," my wayward sister. Because if it is, there truly is no hope for you. Next time you're bored, what's to keep you from seeking out hot sticky sex with someone else?

To become a safe partner, and a decent human, start digging into why you chose to alleviate your boredom by fucking OM instead of, IDK, scrapbooking or tennis. You've dropped some hints that indicate you have an inferiority complex. Explore that further in IC.

Good luck. I hope you stick around. Please know that you are no worse than me, or any other WS here. It's what you choose to do now, that defines you. My advice? Sign the D papers. Move into the guest bedroom (if you have one) before he returns from DC. Show him that you are putting his needs above your own, and that even if you disagree with his decision to D, you will honor it. D takes a long time to be finalized, and until then there is hope.

Hi SoSorry17 -

Welcome

Everything 20WrongsVs1 just posted is exactly what I would have put into words. I have read SWAT's entire thread.

You cannot fix this.

You CAN learn from this.

I am a current LEO wife, current member of law enforcement, and previously a single OW. I know the environment you live in and the social setting you have. I suspect that if you continue IC and see where your issues lie, you'll come around to realizing that the OM was a drug and the constant need to see him (and the ever-revolving door of the drama he brings) is an addictive fix. If you begin to see it that way, as an addiction, you can begin to heal yourself. Not your marriage necessarily, but yourself. Which is where you need to start.

Please keep reading and posting. There are a lot of people that can help.

[This message edited by wheat at 9:45 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

Welcome to SI. You've had some excellent advice and I hope you take it to heart.

If you truly love your husband, let him go. Give him space and time to heal. Focus on becoming a better person for your own sake and the sake of the kids. Because even if you do talk Swat into giving you another chance, your wayward thinking will likely cause you to hurt him again, and the next time the outcome will be even worse.

The main thing I see is that lying is almost second nature to you. You lied to your husband without even thinking about it. You lie to your family. You also lie to yourself. For example this:

I DID NOT meet with him to spend any "quality time" with him. I agreed to see him to try to reason with him and get him out of our lives.

Is total BS. For goodness' sake, you had a PO against him! Nothing communicates 'leave me alone!' more than a PO. Or at least it would have if you'd backed it up with complete No Contact. But I think a big part of you wanted to keep seeing him. You didn't block his emails or change phone numbers which left the lines of communication open. You responded to him, which fed your connection, and when he asked you to meet you replied 'I can't' which really means, 'I want to, but someone else is stopping me.'

And then when you thought your husband was going away for a couple of weeks you probably felt lonely and abandoned, so you caved and tried 'reasoning with him'. But I think if you're honest you will admit that you wanted to see him again. There was probably also some part of you that feels resentful that your husband went away by himself and isn't just getting over all this already, so perhaps it was a secret little 'fuck you' to Swat70 as well.

By the way, can you see that involving your brother in your web of deceit has also put their friendship in jeopardy?

I hope you can learn honesty. Keep posting here and getting feedback on your issues, and seeing your IC. Keep working on you, and making you a worthy wife for Swat70. Regardless of whether he forgives you and comes back, the pattern will only repeat until you get to the root of your issues.

Good luck.

So sorry,

Your username is appropriate on multiple levels, because even though you are the one who made the mistake, I am so sorry you find yourself here, but I am glad you've come.

You said in one of your earlier posts that you are "in IC and know how and why you cheated".

Respectfully, you may know how you cheated, but you

Ikely don't know the why. I have had multiple DDays, I'm 3 years out from the last one, and I'm still not sure I understand the root why. Getting to the source of the issue is a difficult process that involves a lot of introspection and self-evaluation. Chances are, if the "why" you state can be rattled off the top of your head, it's not the real why. You need to take time, focus, work hard and dig deeper.

You need to be open to admitting to yourself and your BH that you are "broken" but trying to heal.

I fully admit I could be wrong. You could be identifying the why, but like I said, it's unlikely.

Echoing what others have said, the physical and emotional infidelity is of course, difficult, but the lying and "trickle truth" just pours salt on the open wound.

Stop texting your H, if you haven't already. He has made it clear he needs space. Give him the respect enough to obey his wishes at this time. Take this time and opportunity to focus on yourself and what ahoy are not not to win him back, but to begin identifying the brokenness of yourself.

As others have said, take the first step. Move into a guest room, refocus on your children and H, meet with your IC , etc.

For me, I still have tremendous anxiety over my A's, even after my BW has forgiven me, and even after 3 years out.

For a long time, I was OCD about this site and Reddit Confessions. I was on every day, multiple times a day. Then I realized it was selfish. I was ignoring my wife and children so I could focus on myself.

I goT off the computer, off e iPad, etc., and played with my kids. I cooked for my family. I cleaned. I refocused my efforts on them - and it helps.

My advice, take the time you need to begin healing, but not at the expense of your family. You are not divorced. You STILL have a family, and even though you're hurting, they still need you.

Focus on them and be selfless. You've had your selfish moment, now it's time for them.

I think you'll find if you do that, and focus on you and the appropriate times, you'll start looking at this with a clearer head and be able to honestly work on it.

We are here. We are listening. Use us if you need to.

Strength and hope to you.

Hey SoSorry. How are you today?

To all of the waywards. Oh my god. Am I such a bitch and so messed up? I have read everything you all wrote. I have read SWAT's posts, I know it was not right. I know he is hurting and that kills me. I have known this man for my whole life. I have loved him for almost as long. It all started with a crush and grew into what we had. He loved me unconditionally and I just threw it away.

SWAT has pretty much ignored me since he left. I have gotten like three messages from him. I have answered him, but he does not message me back. I miss him so much and I know it is all my fault. I know he is hurting and I really just want to see and hug him.

He knows I joined here and said he would not read what I write here and asked that I do the same. I want you all to know that I will do as he asks.

I spent most of the night and day reading a lot of your stories and posts. Your 2x4's to everyone and your confessions. I have no idea of when or even how I turned into such a selfish, manipulative and honestly evil bitch. SWAT was always my anchor and he trusted and loved me. He is an only child to a single mother, who worked two jobs to provide for them. He was alone a lot and never knew his father, yet he grew into an incredible man and a wonderful father. He trusted and loved me enough to have three amazing children with me and he trusted and loved me enough to raise them.

I want everyone to know this. I do love him and am very sorry I have hurt him so badly. I know he may divorce me. I understand that and if I was not the one married to him, I would probably tell him to just walk away.

So I am going to beg a little here. Can you all help me? Not just for me, but my children and husband.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:27 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

Your story is very similar to mine. I followed swats posts hoping that you would be the repentant wife he deserves.

The honest truth is that we don't deserve a second chance for what we did to our husbands and to our children. But I am proof that a wonderful man who didn't deserve what I did to him gave me a second chance anyway. However he made it very clear on D day that there would not be another chance and any further contact with xap would be a deal breaker.

I turned my life around that day and never contacted xap again. I was lucky in the fact that xap didn't try to contact me either. Even though his marriage failed and they ended up divorced he kept his word to me. I often wondered if that meant that he actually cared for me but in time I have come to realize that he just didn't care enough to fight for me.

Hard lesson to learn indeed!

Unlike my H who went to hell and back for me. We left our church behind where my H had been a respected member for over 30 years. He also left all his friends behind there as well. Some people called him weak for not kicking me out and made fun of him. He never let it get to him.

Every day I am so thankful for the loving man I married who gave me that second chance. xap doesn't even compare in looks, integrity, honesty, respect, family values... I could go on and on. Sometimes I feel so disgusted at what I was willing to give up for somebody who I meant so little to.

So all that said, DO NOT CONTACT the xap ever again. That is the only chance you have of making things work with swat. Change your phone, email, etc if you have to.

It hasn't been easy and there have been some rocky times but we are almost 3 years out from d day now and I can honestly say we are going to make it.

So stop the pity party and calling yourself a bitch, blah blah blah and just start making things right.

Swat is hurting and he doesn't want to HEAR you say those things anymore. Your ACTIONS will speak louder than anything you could ever say right now.

Stop reading his posts - he asked you not to according to your comments.

Do what he asks and stop texting him nonstop. Let him enjoy a few days away where he can forget how screwed up his life is right now.

You've made him look like a fool twice and he needs some time to recover from it.

I would highly recommend counseling for you both - separately. My H also went through EMDR treatment which helped him immensely. If/when he is ready to talk to you again, you might want to bring that up.

Please feel free to pm privately if you'd like to speak further.

Until then, hang in there, eat and exercise to keep your body healthy and hope that swat is willing to give you the third chance you don't really deserve.

So I am going to beg a little here. Can you all help me? Not just for me, but my children and husband.

Sweetie, we've been helping you. All the 2x4's, advice, suggestions, etc, are all help. It's now on you to really dig in and do the work. Get the books suggested, read them cover to cover. Leave your husband alone, as he asked and shift the focus on you.

SoSorry17 , If you haven't already done so, read this post also:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

finallyfree. I have blocked OM from everything. Your right I have to grow up and I am trying. I am starting to realize how messed up my thinking is and has always been. People are right, I am spoiled and have manipulated him. I am trying to follow all of his requests but it is hard. I just want to be able to hold him again and hear him say he loves me. I messed up twice, I will not do it again.