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[This message edited by PricklePatch at 4:46 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

((((SoSorry))))

Hang in there. You can do this.

I'm going through similar, my BH has just told me tonight after four months of limbo that our M is over. I really feel your pain.

Sending strength.

OM is nothing special. My affair started because I was selfish and SWAT was his usual perfect self. He was doing everything right, but we were kind of stuck in a rut. He was working a lot and when he was home, we were a family. I wanted a couple, I wanted excitement, romance and I'll be truthful hot, do anything sticky sex. Would SWAT have done that? Absolutely! Could I ask it of him? Not a chance, he might think I'm a slut, my husband is a good man and I never wanted him to see me in a bad light. I am a wife and mother.

Take a look at this paragraph and you tell me where your thinking might be screwed up here. Do you see how you are trying to very subtly put the blame on your husband here?

tired girl, I am not blaming him at all. If I gave that impression I'm sorry.

SWAT was his usual perfect self.

You don't need to apologize. I am asking you to look deeper at something you wrote.

Do you really feel this way about your H?

Was the OM still trying to get you to leave Swat at your meeting?

FRM. Yes he did. He tried to blame everything on SWAT. I tried explaining to OM, how wrong he was. I know I never should have answered him or meet with him. I just wanted it all to go away. I was wrong I know that, I haven't talked to my husband since early Fri morning. He must hate me so much right now.

I have loved swat since boys had a higher purpose besides farting and nose picking. He didn't notice me until I got boobs and he came home. I was married at the time, second worse decision in my life.

Swat would pick me up when I was down, he protected me as a child, a young adult and then as his wife. My husband goes to work everyday and puts his life on the line. He has always done what he thought was right,even when it didn't benefit or even hurt him. So yeah he is pretty close to perfect.

tired girl. I just re read my posts. Reading them again, I think I get your point. I write how I talk, blunt and not always grammatically correct. I may seem arrogant or something, but really I'm not.

I have screwed everything up and I just want my husband back. I was selfish and disrespectful to him I know. I am trying to fix me, but I don't want to lose him. Even though that is also selfish.

Your husband is hurting. If he hates you, it's because he loves you so very much. By reading his thread in JFO, I can tell you that he doesn't hate you but that you cut him to the core - not with the cheating, but with the continued lies. It's the lies that are the death nails in the coffin. It's the lies that hurt and destroy. It's your lies that are your biggest obstacle.

SWAT was his usual perfect self

Read this statement - this one alone. There is an underlying tone of resentment there. I know you may not see it, but TG & I see it. It's glaring. It's almost as if you resent SWAT for being "so good" while you are "so bad".

I can't fix this if he won't talk to me.

Gently, but that's crap. The first step to fixing this mess is to work on fixing YOU. You're in IC and that's definitely where you need to be. It's good that you're in the process of figuring out why you did what you did. I guarantee you that just being selfish and having an out of control ego are not the root causes of your issue - there's more there, so keep digging. Look back at your childhood to see why you need validation - to the point where you would trade sex for attention. It will be hard, you will hurt, but you will be better for it. Believe me, I know because I've done it myself. A number of us have walked that path.

My methods sucked but my intentions were good.

BTDT - once you are stronger and have healed more, you will see how both your intentions and your methods sucked.

I just need someone to tell me he could forgive me.

Hon, we can't tell you that. Only he can do that but that's not your most pressing issue right now. Keep posting, stay here with us. We can help you as long as you are willing to do the work. (((SoSorry)))

It's almost as if you resent SWAT for being "so good" while you are "so bad".

Bingo. This is what I wanted you to see.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:24 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

MJ. Thank you. I don't resent him. I am just frustrated with what I have done. Swat always says it is human nature to minimize your mistakes, no one wants to be seen as a bad person. I'm not blaming him at all, it is just difficult for me to express myself. Maybe I am upset with him a little, I do not know. Everyone seems to rally around him, but I'm hurt too. The problem is Swat would have been there before.

The sex for validation thing hurts. IC said at one point I settled for my ex because Swat wasn't around. My ex looks so much like him, they could be brothers. My ex was my first and he often threatened to break up with me if I didn't sleep with him. My IC thinks I gave in and had sex with him and I continued to do so. I did have a brief relationship with OM right after high school. My ex was going away to college, so we kind of split up. I was seeing OM and my ex when he came to visit. I was sleeping with both of them at the time and had some other partners in between. Not a lot,I'm not a total slut. I had sex with them so they would like me, I would do things they really wanted and maybe were afraid to ask. I was the "good time" girl and got used to it. That sounds horrible I know. My dad and brother never treated my mom or gf's that way. But I realized guys will treat you nice if you have sex with them. So how do I fix it?

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:25 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

I can't fix this if he won't talk to me.

Gently, but that's crap. The first step to fixing this mess is to work on fixing YOU.

This is great wisdom.

SoSorry17, I was where you are 4 years ago, except I didn't have two D-days within one affair with OM---I had 2 separate D-days, 2 years apart, with the same guy.

Like your husband, mine told me that it was the continued disrespect and the lying that did us in. After the first time (in 2007, a brief text-message EA) which I of course hid from him and lied about, I promised that it would never happen again. I swore that I saw how wrong I was, the error of my ways, blah blah blah. Two years later I was back at it again with that same OM and having a full-blown affair that lasted over 5 months. Because I didn't do anything to fix ME.

My XH did divorce me. But instead of throwing up my hands and saying, "It's over---I can't fix anything now," I made the choice to work on myself and my issues. Some wise folks here drummed it into my head that I will always be with myself, whether or not I'm in a relationship, and that I need to be the best self I can be.

The OM does not have your best interests at heart, nor does he have your husband's. He is behaving selfishly and does not care that he is inflicting pain on your husband and causing strife between the two of you.

When we engage in infidelity, I think our priorities get completely out of whack. Think about that for a second: he does not care that he is inflicting pain on your husband. Normal priorities, normal thought processes, would dictate that someone who is hurting our spouse must be vanquished. Yet when we're having the affair, or still tempted to see the OP after D-day, we just don't care (or don't see it rationally).

Stay strong and read the others' posts as many times as you need to. There is great wisdom here on this forum.

Everyone seems to rally around him, but I'm hurt too.

Examine this statement. I am not picking on you at all. When I first came here to wayward, and when most of us came here, our thinking was screwed up. We have all walked the road that you are walking right now. So why do you thinking that they are trying to help him and maybe they don't recognize your pain as much?

I was sleeping with both of them at the time and had some other partners in between. Not a lot,I'm not a total slut. I had sex with them so they would like me, I would do things they really wanted and maybe were afraid to ask. I was the "good time" girl and got used to it. That sounds horrible I know

It isn't so much that it sounds horrible as that it shows what your boundaries have been from the start. Did your H know this about you?

But I realized guys will treat you nice if you have sex with them

That is incorrect...guys will be nice to you to USE you for sex. It is better to be respected than liked. Trust me..none of those guys who were nice to you for sex respected you.

So his purpose for meeting you at the bar was to get you back in bed with him...I think you knew that from the start.

So..going with MJ (Missesjai)

Was this a way to get validation from the OM, because Swat decided not to take you to DC?

Janet. The op is still in effect. I went to the bar because I knew the bartender and she would not let anything happen. Again I see how it is always about me. Why can I not get it right? My family is all I have,why do I constantly do things to mess it up?

Maybe I am upset with him a little, I do not know. Everyone seems to rally around him, but I'm hurt too.

There you go - can you see how these questions are meant to make you think deeper about your motivations? All we want is to help you survive this. I think you are resentful of him because of the support he's getting versus what you're getting. That's not his fault, though. Your frustrations are misplaced. I think you are projecting your feelings about yourself onto SWAT. I know that well - even this far out, I still do that from time to time. It's one more thing to work on, and that's okay.

But I realized guys will treat you nice if you have sex with them.

How did you learn this?

[This message edited by MissesJai at 6:51 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

tired girl, no I never told him.

FRM,the answer is no. I was not seeing him for any validation. I just wanted him to leave me alone. Please understand that. I never want to see OM agakn and I would never cheat again. This is just to painful for everyone.

Janet, I know. Thats what I mean,I am screwing everything up. My brother said no, it's a bad idea. What did I say, well thanks for the help, I'll handle it myself. Now big brother and my parents are angry too.