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Well, I think that SWAT is on the NC bandwagon right now with regard to xAP. He has made the calculation that, under the circumstances, getting a RO is just playing into his drama. I think you have to go with his judgment on this and support it. I hope he is right--and I hope your SIL has some extraordinary tricks up her sleeve. Although I do worry that if she does something and SWAT does not approve, then finds out that you knew she was going to do something--could be more trouble for you. You are in a really tough situation and I am sorry. I am rooting for both of you, and of course against xAP.

capilot.

He was released when he pled guilty to time served and probation. I have tried to get BH on my PO, but he is resistant, I'm not sure why and he hasn't told me.

JanetS.

Drama yes that has been an issue. I don't want it anymore. IRL anymore I wouldn't talk as much and wouldn't share a quarter of what I do here.(except for IC) SI is where I whine and moan about my problems. When I make an a$$ of myself, I get called on it. When I am really hurting and you all can help, you do.

IRL I have lots of "friends", but they aren't really good ones. Or better yet friends of the marriage. Don't get me wrong they think Swat is awesome, but they say they "understand and sometimes its alright, just don't take it too far" to engage in wayward behavior. That is so wrong, but infidelity is glamorized just about every where in society today. My true rocks are my mom and SIL. They seriously do not take any of my crap. My dad and brother still tend to coddle me too much. I tell them a lot, but I still say more here. I'm trying to be strong for BH and the kids, I don't want to appear weak even when I am really terrified of this mess.

So I purge any drama here. I put it out there and you all shot it full of holes. That helps me a lot. Every time I post anything "woe is me" and laced with drama, it gets dissected and analyzed. Some times the replies hurt and I have to sit back and lick my virtual wounds, some times the virtual hugs are a life saver. But I read them all and retain them. Some I write down to discuss in IC, some I write in my journal, even if they are hard to accept.

SI is my reality check and I wish that it was mandatory reading for anyone thinking of engaging in any type of affair.

redsox13.

Yes, I have created a huge mess and BH is really a very private person. The fact the affair is so widely known is difficult. But I am the bad guy to a lot of those that know and support him. They have also reached out to me though and they are genuinely good people.

BH is proud to be a veteran and now a police officer. He loves his job and He will not move at least until he is able to retire. That was discussed early on and he is firm on that. One of his dreams was to retire and move out west and get some land, horses and cattle. Build a huge house where the entire family(extended as well) can live. He is still young at heart and like a lot of little boys always wanted to be a cowboy.

We have visited his army friend, I will call him "JJ", in Wyoming several times and he is a cowboy through and through. JJ has said he would sell him a couple of hundred acres fairly cheap. If anyone can consider 100k cheap. But I do have the means to make that dream come true. BH doesn't, he has made investments and will have a pension, but no where near enough to do that. To BH it is a pipe dream, but it can be a reality. This isn't something we have discussed. It isn't me trying to buy him out or anything. BH has just about five years give or take until he is able to retire with 20 years. I think maybe even less if he can buy his military time or something. I hope this is something we can think about in the future.

hopingforhappy.

In regards to the PO, you maybe right. It makes sense. SIL and BH are very close and think a lot alike. If they looked anything alike, they could be twins. Well she is a little bit meaner. He respects and loves her a lot and so does she. She wouldn't do anything to hurt him or me. The only people I trust more are Swat and my parents.

Just after midnight I called SIL and asked her to come over alone. When she did I showed her every device I have. She saw my email, social media everything. I swore to her I was telling the truth, she said she did believe me. SIL said that she will take care of exAP and his bs. All I said was don't make it worse. She kind of gave an evil laugh and was wringing her hands. "Don't worry I've got this", was actually kind is scary.

I made sure dd was up in plenty of time to see Swat, she wanted to look pretty for him. Little diva tried on about ten outfits until she found just the right one. The two of them went to breakfast and hung out until afternoon. They came home all smiles and laughing. He started crying and hugged me so tight and said thank you, I don't know what you did but thank you so much. He said he wanted to take me to dinner Wednesday to thank me and maybe talk a little.

While I am exhausted, I still feel kind of good. I hope that what happened last night turns out alright for everyone, except exAP, SIL can roast his a$$ for all I care.

This!!! ^^^^ that's what I was talking about! You are doing it! And you are seeing him and even his sister feel safe and build trust with you. Keep this up! Cheering you on.

you want a virtual hug, then here it is....

((((sosorry17))))))

You do deserve it. You are working so hard, and through tremendous amounts of hurdles. You are doing good.

Remember, this is a roller coaster. You just happened to hitch a ride on the biggest roller coaster in the park.

At some point I hope you do talk about the dream you mentioned. .

I once wrote a note to my wife in the summer that described Christmas morning. Life at that point was all drudgery - she had attempted suicide a month before, and we were in the hellish aftermath of the A and the attempt. I thought at the time we needed some vision of life that wasn't defined by the A. Some vision of happiness that was obtainable. It helped when I wrote it - it helped her when she read.

You know best - but at some point I would try to share that dream with him

Without dreams life is a nightmare.

You all need hope in what at this moment in time feels hopeless...

I think most of us here on this site have felt hopeless

Fear is intoxicating and it makes swimming through the murky water incredibly scarey

you are working hard.....swat is working hard....don't stop working....

I wish you peace

Wednesday night was our dinner. I'll admit I was nervous as hell and a couple of times I almost started to panic. I read on here somewhere that people would have a rubber band on their wrist and snap it when they were thinking about AP. I just used it for when I start getting crazy. (I will not be saying how many times I had to snap it while getting ready) That did help me though, just a reminder to calm down.

Went to a new place and sat outside where we could have some privacy. It was nice but sad as well. Both if us constantly looking around to see who is there and if we are being listened to. We talked, I cried and he got angry. Rinse, repeat and reverse. That was the theme of the night, but by the end we were holding hands. That conversation may have been the best one we have had in a very long time.

We talked about our concerns. Mine about every time xAP contacts him and why he will not either get a PO or allow me to have mine amended. BH gave some very good reasons which he asked I do not elaborate on. Maybe tmi, but sex. Our sex life was actually very good, or at least it seemed that way after reading here for several months. Some type of sexual contact almost everyday. That did change when I started my affair and after dday. We never experienced HB and the few times we have tried have been utter failures, which we agreed just can't continue.

Most of you know that BH and I have some body art. BH has much more than me. I like my piercings, but I do have some tattoos, one which he drew. This is his biggest obstacle to intimacy. It can't be hidden and if we are facing one another there is no avoiding it. He was so proud that I had that tat. Well xAP used the design as a petname, which kills BH.

BH drew another design and asked me if I would get it done to cover it up. "Hell yeah! Cover that bitch up and let's get it on." Well at least it made him laugh. BH has some talent as an artist, he draws some amazing things. The tat is pretty big and its gonna hurt like a bitch, but the design is beautiful and made me cry. BH also drew a couple for himself. One is the mirror image to mine. He said he drew them to replace the two he removed. I know I posted about them a while ago.

My feet haven't touched the ground yet. I am hopeful we are moving forward. Hell, I'm happy. We agreed that we are going to proceed very slowly and discuss each step.

see, it's a roller coaster. You're on a good part of the ride right now :)

It does my heart good to hear good things about you two...(even if it started rough).

Gently, SIL approaching you with AP's FB is a breach of NC.

Does SWAT know of it?

I know AP is a loose cannon. If family wants to watch his FB, fine. But your involvement is risky to R.

You have no duty to SIL, in terms of proving your fidelity.

Boundaries SS. Shore them up. Tell SIL, or anyone who approaches you similarly, that you are NC with OM and do not want to see his FB. That while you value their love and concern, your marriage and R are private. Establish appropriate walls around you and SWAT.

I know the drama is seductive (and that SI members are drawn to the dramatic aspect of your situation, as well), but drama has not served you well.

Remove yourself from it.

solus sto.

Yes Swat does know. We talked about it the other night. He said he was aware of everything xAP was saying and that he knew SIL approached me. To be totally honest SIL and I didn't think of it as breaking NC. But your right it was.

Dday put my affair out there and there are lots of people who know. I don't care about them or what they think. I care about what Swat thinks. I knew xAP was harassing him. It was obvious, text, email or some other alert on Swats phone and his demeanor would change. Shit, he threw an almost brand new iPhone into the ocean. I just didn't know how much and to the extent it had gone.

SIL really loves Swat, they are very much a like and are great friends. They are brother and sister in every way. While not actual siblings they should have been. There is so much shared history between all of us. My parents, SIL, Swat, my brother and all of our friends and family. Yes, even AP was part of that history. Your right about boundaries, and I haven't been firm with them in regards to my family.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:38 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:39 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]

hopelady,

Feelings for xAP? I hate what he and I have done, but if he just disappeared I would actually be very happy.

As of last week xAP was professing his "love" for me. But this person doesn't care about me or my children.

This person has harassed my BH (who was one of his best friends and always defended him), my parents and acted like an insane person in front of my children. He has lied to me and everyone we know. I had to get a restraining order and have him arrested more than once for violating it. He showed up at my house driving drunk, he drove through my yard ruining it. He ruined a holiday tradition for my family and kids. My children are now terrified of him. He has portrayed my husband and cruel, corrupt and vindictive.(Those are some of his biggest lies)

I have feelings for xAP alright. Disgust, hate and maybe even pity. Because he isn't a man, he is a snake. With that said I also have a lot of self hate. I willingly engaged in my affair. I was as much a participant as xAP and I lied and said bad things about my BH as well. But it was all just me justifying my bad choices.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:38 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]

Hey SoSorry,

Been keeping up on you two though I haven't had much to say lately.

Just wanted you remind you that you are not obligated to answer everyone If there is a post that does not seem helpful or constructive, especially from someone who hasn't posted much, you can run it by the SI staff or ask others if it is a valid post.

Sometimes other members will call out unhelpful posts also.

Keep up the good work. You've done some great things lately and all your hard work looks like it has resulted in SWATs trust needle being nudged just a little bit toward a more trustworthy feeling with you.

Pat yourself on the back for this, but also reflect how hard and scary it has been up until now. Let this help motivate you to continue the work you have been doing, because I think we both know you don't want to start over from square one again.

ditto

I'm really glad things are going better.

How does swat respond when he's triggering/going through a rough moment and you reach out to him?

Hi - so sorry to hear about how hard this is on your family and that it has hurt the relationship between your H and daughter so much. While I can't put myself in your BS's shoes I can say that one of the most devastating things I have found in the last 6 months is the unrelenting contact from OW. As a BS I have tried so hard to shift the focus from OW to us but it is extremely tough when that person finds a way to remain in your lives and poison good moments (with us it was Christmas break and then again Easter). I want to be the bigger person, as am sure your H does, and I want to trust him (OW is using all kinds of techniques to stay in our lives including emailing from colleagues' emails as they work in same sector). The reality is that her continued presence triggers flashbacks and makes me feel vulnerable...I am not at a stage of real trust and she still has a power over our M that I don't want to give her. What helped for me was for my H, when I was calmer, to give me reassurance that this person will never again be important in his life and that whatever she says he is not interested. I am sure you do that but there cannot be enough times - I wish you luck!

Ditto about the great work.

It is good to see so much progress in a thread that is titled "There is no fixing the damage I have done".