SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

don't feel old.

you know, there's nothing wrong with being single. After I found out, I went to afghanistan for two years. Didn't screw around or anything like that. just focused on myself, exercised. It was very peaceful.

if I were you, I'd start moving forward. start working out an agreement for division of assets, child custody, etc. Call her bluff. If she's bluffing, this will make her crumble. if she's not bluffing, at least you're moving forward, getting away from a poisonous person.

Being single can be wonderful. And you still have two beautiful children. Be the best father you can be and embrace the change the universe has thrust upon you. You'll be ok. And you'll certainly be happier than you are now.

good luck friend.

Felt a little awkward at the begging of the night. Everyone that came from work was with their spouse. They did go out of their way not to make me feel out of place. I was probably about twice the age of everyone else there that was not in our group. I cannot remember the last time I went out like this, think I needed it. Wish I could just go away for a bit like you did, couldnt and wouldnt do that to my kids. I would also miss them too much. I have to figure out what to do from here, everything is still a big blur. I know I need to start working on myself for me and the kids. Trying to get over the hump.

You're getting great advice here, nohope. I'm so sorry this has happened. You are in a crisis right now and have been traumatized, but for your kids' sake, you have to be strong for them and protect them from her actions. She is threatening their security, emotionally and physically. What would you do if anyone else were doing this?

Tell the OBS. There are many ways to find this information if you truly are motivated to do so. Your reluctance is clear. I found out everything about the OW in my case immediately and continued to dig until I had enough information to regain power from the person who conspired with my WH to destroy my and my kids' life. Treat him like the enemy he is and out him to his BS. Get hisnfocus off of your family and onto covering his ass and hanging on to his own life.

Others are correct: if he wasn't attached, your wife would be moving in with him. He's still calling. They're still talking and involved. But she's not moving in with him. He's still married.

The other thing you need to get ahold on is her runaway spending. She is spending money and adding debt that will take away from your kids security and future. Stop paying her bills. Pay only you and the kids expenses. Family stuff. Start another account and keep the joint account that only covers mutual expenses. Pay them quickly so there's nothing left for her to spend in that account. Protect your kids' support system!

Cancel the joint cards or report them stolen and make sure she doesn't get a replacement card. Change the password on any credit card or Bill account and the email connected to it so that she can't access them. Cancelling them is better. Make her spend on her own credit cards and stop mounting debt that you will be 50 percent responsible for. Shut down her access to your income--you don't have access to hers. Let her see the consequence of being independent. Give her a taste of what she says she wants. Stop paying her cell phone bill, her clothing expense, her gym membership, her credit cards payments. Don't leave enough in the joint account for her to pay them from it.

DONT TELL HER before you do this! Tell her, when she asks, that you decided her system of keeping personal funds separate is a good idea and will keep money reserved for the kids and their expenses. Tell her it's great that she is working to cover her own expenses since she's planning on moving out and being on her own. Treat her like the spoiled, unrealistic child that she is. Give her a learning opportunity.

But most of all, you'll be protecting yourself and your kids security and their future. She does not care about this. She is spending whatever she wants and talking about selling their home to finance her trip to fantasy land. Don't let her ruin you financially as well as emotionally. You owe it to your kids.

She is not your friend right now.mshe can't be trusted, most of all with your kids' welfare. Showing her where her actions are leading, outing the affair to the other BS, refusing to clean up after her and take care of her while she is destroying your family, and doing a hard 180 are the best bet for waking her up as well as stopping the damage that keeps growing.

I'm so sorry you're here and so sorry she's doing this. You will survive and you will get your kids through this. It's time to forget about her and start saving yourself and your kids.

I have just read your original thread

What have you done so far?

lawyer

finances

parenting plan

informing OBS (you seem hesitant)

The only person certain to get you out of infidelity is you

What is your step by step plan to start to live the rest of your life?

Please reread NowWhat106's post, it contains good advice

nohope,

First, like everyone else I'm sorry your here. I think that statement is probably the one of the only ones that can be said without being considered rude.

When we make it to newcomers, we really mean it, we are really sorry that you need to be here. It sucks.

I've been here a short while and in that amount of time I have learned so much. Do as many have suggested and go to "The Healing Library" here on this website. It has a tremendous amount of help.

As others have also said there is shock in your relationship, I would bet even for your WS. She is in shock that it is out and known and I would bet she might be wavering. Sure, she comes accross as strong and deliberate but I'm not convinced that when cheaters finally come clean that they feel as strong as they claim. I don't know 100 percent though, because I'm not a cheater.

The Healing Library will give you pointers on how to proceed withouth falling apart at the seams and showing how fearful, sick physically, or even angry you are. Trust me, I've shared a story somewhere on this site that proves how the 180 really does work. It was when I watched a friend divorce how she totally regretted by the time it all went through.

Anyway, hang tight, stick around and gleen all the info you can.

I'm trying, not as easy as you would think. Not sure what my hessitation is.

Hey sorry you are here. We get it. We get the hesitation, we get the turmoil, we understand. We do because we have all gone through it. If you have done reading here, and I encourage you too, you will see it's essentially the same script the WS runs. It's really amazing.

You are getting really good advice here based on experience. Like you, many of us thought...not me, not my WS! Regrettably it is. Telling the other spouse is a must. They deserve to know. You are likely fearful what you WW wil be? Who gives a shit! No one should be living a lie. It's deplorable!

We are here for you. Sending you strength. Get your respect back. Take charge and maintain your dignity. You deserve more!!

You're traumatized. Believe me, you are in the place where EVERYONE understands exactly how freaking hard this is. You are in shock and a bit paralyzed. It's all understandable. We all get it.

Your family is in imminent danger as surely as if your car were teetering on the edge of a cliff. It's a different kind o danger, emotional, financial, but it's very real and the need to act to protect your kids and yourself is also very real. That's what everyone here also knows, often from very, very painful hindsight.

The paralysis comes from fear of doing the wrong thing, making things worse, not having any solid, secure ground to stand on, feeling out of control. What everyone is suggesting begins with the 180. The 180 is to help you regain control, detach from her, so her actions can't destroy any more than they already have, and begin to build a secure, stable haven for you and your kids.

Begin there. Do things that help you feel better. STOP doing for her--it will make you feel less respect for yourself and will keep you hooked into taking care of her instead of yourself and the kids. She will not like this. You'll have to be strong. Part of this is to stop funding her new, independent lifestyle and, yes, funding her affair. That is what you are doing--you are paying for her to betray you and to betray her kids.

Start with the 180 wherever you feel you can. Don't engage her in conversation other than about the kids and shared expenses. Go about your business. When you fall off and engage, give yourself a break and start again. It will get easier. Show her that you are strong, but more importantly, show your kids that you are strong and they can depend on you. This is critical. They need you.

And, yes, part of taking back the wheel is getting the OM out of your marriage and your family and giving the other BS the same options and knowledge that you now have about her life. This man is hurting your children and is advising their mom on how to take finances and their home away from them. He is destroying his own family without their knowledge. They should know and he should know that there are consequences to his actions.

One step at a time. They can be slow steps. But don't let yourself sit paralyzed on the sidelines of your life while your WW does more damage. Even if you just go out for a walk with your kids. Keep moving. 180. 180. 180.

You can do this. We are all behind you and we only want to help you. Hugs from afar and strength. No, this is NOT easy. It sucks. It's the worst. We know. But you can do anything to protect your kids. You are stronger than you remember. Start reminding yourself.

I feel like im torturing myself somhow. I know i have to go visit some lawyers, having a hard time doing it. It's not the same as calling. Yes, I know I have to get controlled of myself. She goats me into arguements, I fold. It's hard not to react, then she says I'm doing it in front of the kids after she pushes me into it. I feel like a fool, but can't help myself. I'm trying to work on ou. I'm going to read the 180 over and over till it sinks in as a normal way of doing things.one day at a time right now, and yes they are still constantly in contact with each other. He even just got one if those free number apps to contact her. Like I wouldn't notice. I have to stop looking and not care anymore about it. With find his wife and talk to her to see how much she really knows. I'll stop rambling on now. Thanks for trying to keep Ne sane here.

Hang in there. Give yourself a break. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to manage this unthinkable, unmanageable situation. No one knows how to do this. That's why SI is such an incredible help--people here have seen it all and we've made every mistake possible and watched others do the same. Many here have learned the hard way, but truthfully, the advice here is pretty on the money for how to deal with unremorseful cheaters in ongoing affairs.

You need to start believing what she is showing you and saying with her every action: she has left the marriage and the family; she is willing to hurt her children and change their lives forever in order to pursue an extremely vile path. She is willing to take every shared resource that belongs to you and your children in order to do what she wants. She's acting like a 12-year-old. Don't let a horny adolescent steer you and your children's lives and future. And she is also letting a man who is willing to destroy your kids' family advise, encourage and support her along the way.

Yes, see an attorney as soon as possible--like tomorrow. Yes, contact the OBS. Yes, 180, 180, 180. Practice phrases like, " That's your perspective." And "I'm sorry you feel that way." And "I disagree." Don't add anything to them. Also practice, "I'm not going to discuss that with you," followed by an immediate exit from the room or segue into another topic with one of the kids. And I do mean practice them! You should have them at the ready so that you won't be caught reacting off the cuff when she starts something.

Remember: "No" is a complete sentence. She's not listening to you anyway. Stay calm. Don't let her goad you. Tranquility will speak volumes to her and shut her down. A calm, "I'm not willing to discuss our relationship as long as you're involved with someone outside of our marriage," will do. Don't help her, bail her out of jams, give her money, do her favors, cook her dinner, pick up things for her, do her laundry. Do these things for you and the kids and act like she is invisible.

Detach, detach, detach for your own peace. Put yourself and the kids in a happy bubble and ignore her as much as possible. That is what she is saying she wants. She must get a taste of what that will feel like. If she wants to do something with the kids, let her (as long as it doesn't involve OM--be ironclad on that!), but don't play happy family with her. That is the reality for all of you if she wants a divorce. Just say, great, that will give me a chance to (add vague plan here). And mean it. Because you need to practice making it great for you and the kids whatever she decides or does.

You can do this. Take a break when you need to, but then get moving again and don't get sucked backwards into obsessing over what you can't affect or change: her.

There will be lots more voices tomorrow after the weekend. There'll always be someone to support you here. Keep coming here and say whatever you need to. We get it.

You. Can. Do. This. Keep telling yourself that. Your kids are depending on you, and you will get through this for yourself and them. Stop worrying about your wife for now,

Yes, I know I have to get controlled of myself. She goats me into arguements, I fold. It's hard not to react, then she says I'm doing it in front of the kids after she pushes me into it.

You need to get control of yourself and the situation, otherwise there could be real trouble now and or in the future.

She knows what she is doing, she has turned into your worst enemy and she is trying her best to turn you into the bad guy in front of the kids and sooner or later everyone.

It is you against those two, and you had better not let her get the best of you.

You must see a lawyer right now. Tell them everything that is going on...at the very least, someone other than yourself will have the real story, just in case your wife starts filing false claims against you.

Do not argue with her, there is no point to arguing with her. She knows you know she is in contact and still in the affair...so what point is it to argue.

You have to learn your options and most likely file divorce papers. Then you see how your wife reacts...which could be very different...why, because you are then showing her a backbone, you are then showing her you most certainly are actually in control of this situation...and she is NOT.

You need a lawyer to get back into control of your life and this situation.

You also need to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and carry it on you at all times. Record all of your conversations in case she tries to draw you into an argument to try to get false DV (domestic violence) charges brought against you. It has happened to several members on SI. Better to be safe than sorry.

Trying to get up and start moving on my life today.

Did much better so far this morning, held back about 90% of the goating. She kept trying to do it in front of the kids. Didnt give in. No arguing from my end, dropped a couple comments and remarks. Couldnt hold it all back. Noticed the kids looking at her like ? Must have been how they were looking at me when she gets me to react. One step at a time. Working on it.

She kept trying to do it in front of the kids.

She knows what she is doing, she has been coached to do this, probably.

If you cannot hold it in, write and write and write. Because holding it in, could cause you to explode and that could land you in jail.

No more comments from you to her, no matter what she says. You have seen her reaction to your no comments...keep it up.

Now, because you no longer fall for her act, she could very well resort to something worse.

You must talk to a lawyer before this gets out of control.

Did much better so far this morning, held back about 90% of the goating. She kept trying to do it in front of the kids. Didnt give in. No arguing from my end, dropped a couple comments and remarks. Couldnt hold it all back. Noticed the kids looking at her like ? Must have been how they were looking at me when she gets me to react. One step at a time. Working on it.

Six and eleven. Right now, you're on stage. Everything you do is for your kids right now. You are modeling behavior that they will learn from as they age, grow up, and form their own character.

THIS is why the 180 is so critical.

Do this for your children. As well as for yourself. There is a little bit of a David-Goliath message here; strength, courage and faith, my friend.

There are standard responses to your WW when she tries to goad you into a fight:

"I'm sorry you feel that way"

"I refuse to have any adult discussion in front of the kids"

Then walk away from her.

Make a plan nohope16. Then stick to it.

A. Call a few attorneys.

B. Meet with a few attorneys.

C. Understand your rights and your kids rights.

D. Find out if infidelity can improve your outcome in a divorce. (Some states do no care.)

E. Figure out the finances, child support, rent/mortgage/child support.

Does your wife work? If not she better start looking.....

HM

No hope, I agree with HapyyMan, in some states infedltiy that is proven does give you a better shot at custody as it proves the willingness of the other spouse to have taken the risk of their children's family.

Sending you strenght 😇

Infidelity sucks - but the ones where the spouse flaunts it right in front of your face are the worst. As has been said before, you need to take control of the situation, something that requires strength.

So, please, go up to your room, take a deep breath or two, and pull up your big boy pants. It's time to let your wife know that you're not going to allow her to continue to piss on your leg. It's time to take charge.

Tell her to sit down at the table and inform her that you know about the affair... and she has a choice to make. She doesn't get to choose in a day or so. She's a big girl, and it's time for her to make decisions. Don't yell. Don't scream. Just use the voice you need to make her understand you're not f'n around. Don't argue about proof or whether he is or is not a friend. Simply lay down your ground rules: No contact, full disclosure, independent counseling, etc. and let her decide.

She ends it, right now, with this guy - or the marriage is over. Right now. If she gets up from the table without calling him to end it immediately you are going nuclear... and it's not going to be pretty.

I'm sorry - but I am a fan of doing everything necessary to get out of infidelity. It's a horrible place to be.

So... she decides that she can't abide by your rules? Fine - go pack your bags RIGHT NOW and get the F out of the house. Tell her, plainly and calmly, that you're filing for divorce and going after full custody of your kids. Let her know you have TONS of proof (who cares what you have?) and that you're going to have her declared an unfit mother. Tell her you're going to post what she's done across your Facebook page. Tell her you're going to tell every person in the family - including your children. Tell her whatever you want.

You need to make her know, unequivocally, that if she chooses the other guy then life is going to turn really bad, really fast. She needs to see consequences. She needs to have those consequences slap her across the face. She needs to start seeing how bad life is going to be when the entire world sees what she's done. Only then will she make a clear choice - you or him. And... remember, no matter who she picks it's FAR better than where you are now... which is in infidelity.

I know how hard it is. We all want for our WS to "come around" and see what they're doing because WE are so hurt. But, in your case, your wife isn't coming around. She is actively standing next to you and peeing on your leg. You've told her to stop but she won't - she just keeps pissing. Well, you know what? It's time to let her know that enough is enough and you won't allow her to keep disrespecting you.

Remember, divorce proceedings can always be stopped. But it is time to file. It't time to get mad. It's time for you to get out of infidelity - with or without her.

Strength!

She is pissed today, she just went off. She thinks im going to try and take kids away from her. She made sure she said it in front of the kids of course, saying that I will take kids away from their mother. then shes trying to tell me i started it in front of the kids. I told her when she can sit down alone with me and talk like an adult and tell the truth we can talk. She stormed out.