SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hope some day to see that my responses have changed. I am not yet to the first anniversary of D-day, and I am sure that is a factor in my answers to the three questions.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

It has ripped my world apart. I was already struggling due to a chronic set of health issues that include intractable chronic pain, and discovering my WW's secret reunion with her ex was devastating. My health has declined considerably, and I am fighting some serious challenges. I was already practicing all the prescribed pain control and stress control techniques out there: mindful meditation, yoga, breathing, etc. and was already feeling maxed out. The affair knocked the Earth out from under me. Trust is gone. (I hope that she can do the work to gain it back, as much as is possible anyway.) That loss of trust has shaken my trust in many things not related to the affair, like whether I am really getting the best medical care, will I outlive my financial cushion, is this what my last years on Earth will be spent dealing with. My triggering is so tied into my health issues during the affair, as I was pushing my WW out the door to meet new friends and become active (doing things I can no longer do) because we had become so socially isolated that I knew it was unhealthy. Unfortunately she used that as an opportunity to reconnect with her ex. All my old insecurities about her ex resurfaced.

I have become an anxious person, which I wasn't before, and a worrier, and suspicious, and just plagued with the thought that the other shoe will drop someday.

I have also experienced rage like I never imagined I could. And depression. Despair.

Edited to add most significant change: I recently told my WW that my spirit is dying. The A, the loss of trust, the fear, the pain, the anger, the depression . . . is killing my spirit. This did get her attention. Don't know yet if it will make any difference for me or for her . . . .

How did you cope/not cope?

Not very well. Lately I have found some of my sadness coming out in a wailing kind of crying I have never heard from myself. It is as if I am standing over my own newly discovered dead body.

I have had miserable luck with therapists. I finally found a good one and she moved. I am waiting for her replacement at the practice . . .

Have you been able to heal?

Any healing that may happen has quickly been erased by my WW struggling to see that this is not about her. She too has had a pretty lousy experience with therapists, but she does know that she has to work on not turning her guilt to anger. She still has difficulty with me not being able to accept that I have the whole truth. But she did that by months of cover-up and trickle-truth. I may never totally believe her. I do believe that she will not do it again . . . and she knows if anything like this were to happen again, I'm gone. At age 64 that's is a pretty scary scenario, given my health and limited income.

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 2:06 AM, September 1st (Thursday)]

#1. I've learned so much about myself and about life. For the positive: It gave me empathy for other hurting people. It tested my faith and strengthened my relationship with Jesus - I could NOT have made it through without Him. I learned that people can change and relationships can be made new. I would say 'restored', but I wanted a new relationship, not the old one that led to infidelity. Negative: made it really hard to trust - anyone. I learned that people can and do lie. I experienced heart wrenching pain.

#2How did I cope/not cope? I told a few trusted friends who could help me when I was off the walls. I prayed a ton and read every book about it and about forgiveness I could get my hands on. I asked my WS the hard questions and demanded that he truly think about his answers - for him to understand why he did what he did, and how to avoid it in the future. I also cried, spoke very unkindly at times in my pain, and was angry for a bit.

#3Have I been able to heal? Yes and no. We are in a great place right now, but sometimes a memory will trigger something and there is still a pinch of pain there.

OneInTheSame, I'm sorry you are still suffering so much. One year out isn't that long. I do pray that your answers will be different next year, and even better the year after that. Have you talked with your WW about her reunion with her ex? Does she acknowledge that this would obviously set back your trust in her? I am sorry you are having trouble finding a good therapist. Have you tried a local church? Sometimes they can offer counseling or offer a good recommendation.

Before you read anymore, please know I am having a really bad today regarding this. You want to know the following:

I am curious to know how everyone was individually impacted by their spouses affair.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

How did you cope/not cope?

Have you been able to heal?

What has it done to me as a person? Made me jaded, untrusting, hurt, low self esteem to be stabbed, hurt and thrown out like a bag of garbage from the person I so trusted with my life in this world, stood up for, backed up in everything he ever did, loyal, honest, trustworthy and I get shit on by this. My heart hurts. Affairs in movies, mistresses on shows, you can't get away from it and I am one damn tired woman.

Cope? Medication

I haven't healed yet.

what did the affair do to me? it buildt a fear inside of me that I have yet to control....I lived in fear as my H traveled extensively...always worried...always afraid of being cheated on, being left alone with the children, for someone else...the not knowing, hanging over you like dr. death...red flags everywhere.

I didn't cope well at all..totally blew it up...all the years of fear, exploded...every ugly thought I had was now true in my head..I raged...I fought...I hated...probably more then was necessary, due to the years of anticipation...and H attitude of lies, and manipulation, and no concern for me, made it soooo bad...

I lived in shock...I was the walking zombie...for 2 years...that's when I found SI...I started venting, talking to people for the first time, reading, IC, meds...It was difficult, because there was no change, for 2 years... the most healing thing for me was acceptance...not living in doubt anymore..not living with not knowing anything about my marriage...just fear....I accepted the marriage was over...and I started to heal...I was no longer waiting on pins and needles...

am I healed?....a large part of me was healed...I had let go of hope. I had let go of who I thought my H was....then my H became very very ill....maybe dying...more M R I 's on Tuesday. Its been 2.75 years, trying to get a diagnosis.... I am so confused about how I feel...I feel the man I married is long gone...and has been. and now with the personality changes, he is gone.....this allows me to grow past some pain. I don't have words to describe how I feel... shock remains. different fear is here.. infidelity fear...not so much. I am forever changed....I really trust my gut now....I am surprised just how right I always was...and I don't believe in marriage anymore...I don't believe in love...I certainly don't believe in forever marriage love... I think we are all just passing thru.. And I feel very old...and not much joy for the future. The love I believe in is for family, children, pets....hobbies...self love. I hate when I hear that the A has made me a better person....it has made me a stronger person...It had broken that vicious circle of cheating and fear....something needed to happen..I had become a bundle of nerves, long before I learned of the A....it had been years. So, for that , I am glad.. I see him as anxiety....never comfort. I feel like I have been hit by a truck..this is not what I expected for a marriage at all..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:54 PM, September 1st (Thursday)]

Speaking for myself as a MH

1: What has my WS affair done to me as a person?

It has dramatically changed my perception of him, me and the state of our relationship.

Prior to DDay our marriage was in a serious rut. This new marriage arrangement is scarey but more raw and honest. We have thrashed out most of our issues with less conflict avoidance and better communication.

As a person my eyes are now wide open. Im wiser! Im rebuilding my self worth after my self esteem was cruelly stripped away leaving me exposed and vulnerable. Im not bitter. I dont trust my husband but feel a lot more safe with him which is progress I guess. I have more compassion and empathy for others.

2: How did you cope/not cope?

Began ADs. I did the pick me dance, grovelled and sobbed. Blamed myself. Made excuses for him to our adult kids and friends. Then when NC was broken I went totally ballistic. Violent. Suicide attempt resulting in coma, hospitalisation and then psyche ward.

3: Have you been able to heal?

Its a process...IC helped. Reading. SI. I was taken off meds. My moods have stabalised. The first 12mths were rough going but Ive grown stronger, less codependent. No longer feeling like a failure or afraid of being on my own.

Like everyone else time has helped lessen the pain. There are less swings between pessimism and optimism regarding the future, which strangely Im quite excited to see unfold - with or without my husband at my side.

In this moment in time Im in a good place

Thank you, alwaysgrow. Yes, it has been a difficult journey so far. Both WW and I have had so much difficulty finding consistency in therapists. She was just getting into some abuse issues from her past with her therapist when the appointments stopped being easy to make. There is every chance she has damage to repair that will never reach that healing stage. I understand where a lot of her anger and defensiveness comes from. What I don't understand at all is why she turned to the one person who did so much damage to her psyche during their 14 or so years together to break our vows and have an A. She says I am the best thing that she has ever known, that I bring out her best, that I have taught her much about living a more mature and responsible life, etc. Her ex, the OW, did nothing to make life better for WW when they were together; in fact, she manipulated and played all the games. Theirs was a selfish relationship, unhealthy in more ways than I can comprehend. She gave away Ww's dog, and abandoned a pet bird in an un-airconditioned house in the middle of the heat of summer. Had I not insisted we check on the bird, a sweet white dove, she surely would have died shortly. She thrived when we brought her into our home. Her ex claims to be an animal lover, but her behavior is deplorably self-centered and often detrimental to the very animals she claims to care about. the fact that my WW was able to overlook all of that AND fall back into the pattern of their old codependent relationship is a bitter pill to swallow. I have days I think a full-blown sexual escapade with a total stranger, or a new friend, might have been easier to fathom than spending six months, hundreds of dollars, and time away from me when I needed her more . . . to be with her horrible, no good, nasty ex.

Another thing that surfaced after D-Day was a tremendous feeling of being abandoned. Every day when she would leave to go do whatever she was into that day, be it a walk or kayaking, or a hike, or biking, I would cry right after she left. I often had a premonition or feeling that something was off . . . a "disturbance in the force," if you will. I can no longer do those things, and especially in the heat and humidity we had last summer, with my health. I used to be a mountaineer, and I loved backpacking. i was rugged and strong, and loved challenge and adventure, so it was killing me to be stuck at home. But i didn't want her to deny herself fun activities anymore . . . so I pushed her to get out. If I had only known that those outings were turned into opportunities to get together with her ex! If just once I had felt well enough to meet her on the waterfront when she was taking her kayak out of the water, I would have caught her red-handed meeting her ex at the nearby watering hole. If . . . I hate that word. If is destructive when it is too late . . .

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 1:32 AM, September 2nd (Friday)]

I think that this thread is fascinating. You can see the stages of recovery people are at while reading the posts. However, it has caused me to really think about the answers. I have trouble digging deeply and sharing those thoughts, one of the reasons that I admire so many of the long termers around here.

What has the affair done to me as a person? At first it devastated me to the core. It totally rocked my world. I tended to be introverted in most situations, but I pulled further and further into myself as the months passed after dd. It wasn't until dd2 that I found my anger and my backbone and started caring for myself. At that point, I started doing what was best for me. It took time but I am much more social than ever in my life and have advanced in my career accordingly. I still have trust issues where my h is concerned, but it really hasn't oozed into the rest of my life much.

I look at love and romance totally different now. I can't conceive of ever having another relationship and learning to trust another person. My h understands that he burned through the trust thing and we deal with that occasionally.

How do I cope? I work a lot, read here on si, spend time with my family as much as possible. My h and I work together quite a bit on different projects and that has been very healing.

Have I been able to heal? For the most part I have been healed from those days. I've learned to cope with personal stress better, I enjoy my life and the people that I share it with. The physical symptoms from the days post dd remain to be worked through, but aging has not been helping with that one much

Healing from infidelity is truly about turning lemons into lemonade, it takes a lot of work and a lot of sugar.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

The A definitely took something away from me, as anything traumatic does. The one thing having an unremorseful WS did to me was help me find my way back to myself and being okay to be alone.

How did you cope/not cope?

In the beginning I was a mess, I had no impulse control and no coping skills whatsoever. I raged at my WH, hit him on 2 occasions, cried and screamed hysterically for most of the year and attempted suicide.

With the help of my outpatient program, my therapist, and my psychiatrist I am doing pretty damn good.

Have you been able to heal?

I have been able to heal. I did not heal with WH's help, if anything he tried to make things more unbearable until I asked and started following through on D (which is on hold for now).

Any behavior that is destructive to my healing I do not participate in. I usually walk out, hang-up, or ignore him completely. That helps.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

Before DDay, I was depressed and suicidal. Once I found out about A, I realized I was not crazy, but I felt shattered, broken.

How did I cope/not cope?

I raged, drank, went to Doctors, cried for months, every day! I tried MC and realized how broken I was, started IC. I confronted OW, got order of harassment. Decided my only hope was to concentrate on me.

How have I been able to heal?

Well, I'm a work in progress, but I feel stronger than I have in years. I believe I will be OK, NO MATTER WHAT!

I am a few hours shy of 2 months since DDay, so there may be more changes to come.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

On the negative side:

1) Made me jealous. I was never the jealous type and I now find myself triggering at certain things. As an example, my wife and I were at a wedding a few weeks back and I was being especially glum. When she and I danced she was somewhat closed off and self-conscious, to the point of not even really trying to dance with me -- I was also not at my best and was just going through the motions, which sucks because I usually have a lot of fun dancing at weddings. That put me off for the rest of the night. Later, my wife danced with an older guy at our table whose wife didn't want to dance and she looked like she was having at lot more fun dancing with him. I was also probably a bit more affected by this due to the fact that OM was a good deal older than my wife.

2) I have been policing her activity incessantly -- checking emails, call records, browser history -- which is exhausting. I had never second-guessed her before. I need to start cutting back on this. On the bright side, I have found nothing inappropriate and she has told me about attempted contact from OM I wouldn't have discovered on my own. I guess I'm not looking to find anything, just reassure myself there is nothing to worry about.

3) Hit my self-esteem pretty hard. I'm not one to engage in self-pity or obsess over faults and I'm doing that now. Probably won't last but who knows.

4) Made me terribly boring and overly serious. I was already a laconic and subtle personality but I have trouble finding humor in things, joking with friends, being silly with my boy. I have lost interest in hobbies (video games in particular). This seems like a phase and I feel it's getting better.

On the positive side:

1) I am more assertive towards my wife and in general. Never an asshole, just firm in setting expectations, chiming in with my opinion where needed. I used to be afraid to say something that might offend someone because I'm a people pleaser. Now, if something rubs me the wrong way I will speak up. I like this.

2) I have found a strength of will I haven't known. This is so hard to deal with but I am growing because of it. I have become an expert at keeping my emotions in check around others. I have become more empathetic to other people in this situation as well.

3) I now have a keen olfactory sense for bullshit. I was able to elicit a lot from my wife just from her reaction to questions, or at least know to investigate further without shrugging it off. I think past me would have willfully tried to forget half-truths or would think a half-assed explanation was good enough.

How did you cope/not cope?

Better than most, I think. I never became violent or abusive. I cried every day for the first week. I still cry once in a while, maybe once a week. I spend a lot of time reading stories here which puts my situation in perspective and lets me know I'm not alone. I told one person, my wife's best friend, because she was cheated on by her husband before they were married, so she was able to empathize and it felt good to tell someone in real life (wife was very unhappy with me when I told her I did this -- smacked me, said she hated me, tried to push me down the stairs and then attempted to jump the bannister herself -- but I showed her the text messages because I had nothing to hide. She scoffed at a part where BFF said we should get coffee to talk, "oh maybe you and her can fuck"...it was bad and she acted ridiculous, but she eventually realized that what I was doing was in service of trying to mend the damage she had done.). I don't plan on telling anyone else really, friends or family anyway -- I don't want them to think less of her or perceive me as a pushover. We will be doing counseling as soon as we are able.

Have you been able to heal?

Work in progress. I hope we can put it behind us once we have addressed her issues in counseling and MC if needed.

[This message edited by mouthkeptshut at 7:22 PM, September 2nd (Friday)]

It changed who I am

OneInTheSame, I pray you are able to find a great therapist for both you and your WW. It seems that so many WS's also have past issues of abuse to deal with. Why do people return to unhealthy relationships, especially when there is someone loving right in front of them? I can't answer that, but I know a counselor will and will be able to help her to process her reasons for choosing that again, and how to avoid doing that in the future. I know it will be difficult for you, but I hope you will be able to be patient as she learns this. I know that great things can come out of the ashes of infidelity.

Positives: I had a wake-up call to the person I used to be. Before marriage, I was strong and independent. I would never let another person wreck me and I had so much control over myself. When the dust settled over infidelity, I vowed to gain all that back.

Negatives: Mostly, in the moment when you discover the one person who is supposed to love you and protect you, that feeling of the air being squeezed out of you slowly until you actually contemplate your worth here on this planet. My self-esteem took a huge hit. Insecurities came oozing out of me.

I have recovered a lot since DDay. I am wiser now. Yes, I am a little jaded but I remain kind and maintain my integrity. People can rely on me. I am a good person. Even to people who maybe don't deserve it

What has the affair done to you as a person?

My self esteem is gone. I used to be a fairly confident person. I was happy in my own skin. But having my WH start a relationship with a younger, cute little idiot, shattered that image of myself. Now I can see jaded images and hate looking at myself because I can see are flaws. My trust in people is GONE. Not just my WH, but everyone. I can't hear any words without trying to see the truth behind them. I have anxiety attacks over so many different things and have never had those before. I have become an angrier, depressed, anxious shell of the happy carefree person I once was.

How did you cope/not cope?

I'm only 6 weeks out. Not coping too well. Started smoking again, drinking more, sleeping less. Most nights I cry myself to sleep just to get to sleep. I am trying to find an IC. I have read so many books trying to find answers. The WH and I have sat and talked and yelled trying to find a way to deal with everything. Posting on SI has been the biggest help for me.

Have you been able to heal?

Hell no. And hopefully its just not yet. I'm trying, every day is a new battle.

I'm so glad you asked. I need to talk about this. I don't understand much about how this site works. I thought I could talk about my experience, and get feedback. IT seems I can't unless I post 50 responses?

Anyway, this is fabulous.

1: What has the affair done to me as a person. Well, I live in a constant state of panic and fear, and depression. The depression is so severe that I considered ending my life. For a long time. And it pops up again occasionally, but I consider my children and how that would impact their lives. Then, I decide to suffer as I can do nothing else. I'm a dead person, and I don't trust my judgment anymore. I hurt. I can't eat well. I've lost so much weight that I'm flabby and skinny. Lost muscle as well as fat. I think I ate about one day's worth of calories in a month. COuld not eat. I hate my life. I can't focus on my life. I let my bills go. I can't face issues or problems. I am severely soul sick. I don't want to go on. I want help, but there is none. My husband was my help. He made me know I was underserving now. Im very stupid.

How did I cope or not cope. Well, I involved my family who it matters if I live or not, or am happy or not. I go and see my grandchildren.I go to the lake with my dogs and swim or sit outside. I drink wine, a lot and I had not done that in 35 years. Only wine helps with the severe anxiety. It does not help me sleep. Nothing does, except curling up next to him and trying to block out everything else. Just the physical comfort. There is no other comfort for sleep. Hugs from the grandchildren make life worth living. Unfortunatly, I have other performance in my career which has taken a horrible hit. So, I am left financially strapped.

Have I been able to heal. Well, I have healed from sitting on the couch and not eating or moving except to use the bathroom or make more coffee or drink more wine or wear out another friend's ear. Everyone is sick and tired of trying to comfrot and help me. They all just want me to leave but I have not the strength and ability to think cleary to do so, because I have no monay now. This devastated me....it lasted so long without my knowing, and I am so shocked and traumatized. He did not help. He blamed me and said really mean things, attacking my personhood. I feel embarrassed to show my face to him. I am humiliated. I never thought I would ever feel this way. Or think this way of myself. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman. I am completely shocked, as she looks nothing like she feels. I can't relate to her. I can't tell her she shouldn't be alive, or try, or anything. She just can't. She is too hurt, too deeply, but someone who was everything to her. She won't heal for a long long long long time and she might not make it so good, if she doesn't get up and do it.

Riverrose, I hope better for you. I have been through being cheated on before, I am sorry to say. I believe there is something very wrong with my judgment and ability to truly be loved. I felt differently before. I was younger and braver. I am older and thought my life was in a different stage. I do not want to date or flirt, or anything. I had a steady life as a grandparent with my husband. We had a solid family life. Nothing has ever bothered me like this. I truly hope better for you and everyone else. I am lost. I hope my response was appropriate and apologize if I have violated some rule or more. I am sorry if I caused distress. I am reaching out. I cried, hard, for over an hour this morning. I have to work this afternoon.

What a great question.

His affair(s) imploded my world as I knew it. I questioned everything, and I mean everything.

His affair(s) destroyed my ability to see good in people, crushed my blind trust that people are good.

His affair(s) showed me that no one is safe from them, and that anyone can have them.

I learned that you never really "know" anyone. I do not open up anymore, I am a glass half empty now instead of the glass half full that I used to be.

His affair(s) killed our marriage

What has the affair done to you as a person?

Changed my personality. I was always moody, but now I white-knuckle it through each day and just wait for it to be over. And then, unfortunately, another day starts. I don't trust people in the same way. I don't feel I'm present with my kids. I don't think romantic love is a real thing, and I don't really care. I feel tricked. I don't trust my WH - he did this to me, and doesn't care. He wished me dead, and has gotten his wish in a way. I spend a lot of energy hiding everything written above from the outside world, so I don't know who I am anymore.

How did you cope/not cope?

I went insane. I punched doors, curled up in my bed and screamed with a rage that can't be described in any other way than primal, punched WH in the face two separate times (have not done that since the beginning), lost 35lbs in 2 months, threw a tray into the wall, read everything I could, wrote and sent horrible letters to the OWs, kicked WH out for 7 months, comforted my 3 year old, sang and played guitar, talked to my friends, tried to talk to WH, tried to solve the grand puzzle of my WH's infidelity.

Have you been able to heal?

Things have calmed immensely - I'm almost 6 years out. I'm still angry in spurts, but nothing lasting. Nightmares 2-3x a week. Have I healed? No. I've given up. As above, just white-knuckling it until I can't. And then I don't know what happens - I don't know what the "can't" part looks like.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

I don't believe in lasting love or spending life together as an effect of anything else than comfort and familiarity. I'm cynical, angry and expect everyone to be cheating, lying, dishonest about anything and everything.

How did you cope/not cope?

I didn't, I got drunk a lot for months and the toxic abuse escalated until I finally ended the relationship and then it still took me over a year to recover anything of a normal mental or phyiscal life.

Have you been able to heal?

Kicking her out was the first step in healing, taken years of my life afterwards as well, still far from healed really 1.5 years after ending it.

To begin with, I am a BH who strongly believes cheaters do NOT deserve second chances, and have never regretted walking out. Life is to short and precious to spend with someone who has cheated on you.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

- Learnt that communication can make or break a marriage, however good you think it may be

- I'm wary of long term commitments

- Made me a lot more sociable - though not an introvert, I was not very sociable. Now I smile and chat with everyone, from babies to old people, homeless bums and CEOs.

- Made me bolder when approaching beautiful women 18 and over, and am humbled that beautiful young women will boldly flirt back

- Taken up new hobbies: new foreign languages, guitar, keyboard, photography

- More attention to health and fitness

How did you cope/not cope?

I took a decision to avoid alcohol, and have stuck to it. Besides taking up new hobbies and keeping fit, making sure son is hugged, kissed, wrestled with, every time he is with me.

Have you been able to heal?

Yes, I can say I am healed and am looking forward to the next stage in my life.