SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

RB,

Really sorry you're here. The good news is that you are handling this better than 99% of the guys who come here for help. Keep it up.

I know this is small consolation right now, given that your feeling are still quite raw, but you've dodged a huge bullet. A woman who would cheat on you and then convince you to have a child with her is pretty sick and certainly not someone you want to have for a wife.

I also hope you now understand that there is no reason for a guy who doesn't want kids to be married. In the western world, marriage is a feminist scam that should only be entered into if necessary to secure the father's (meager) parental rights. When you do start dating again, please bear this in mind.

One thing you need to think about is why two women whom you loved cheated on you. This could be bad luck but, more likely, you are somehow setting yourself up for this. I recommend you get a copy of "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004W0IRQ8?tag=viglink21103-20). It's one of the best books available on the do's and don'ts for men in a relationship. It's not a PUA manual but rather a matter of fact discussion of female psychology and how to deal with it.

Wishing you the best.

I think she mostly misses me and feels bad, but that's no where near enough justification to put myself on the line again.

I think you're right pal!

You've been very resolute throughout all this RickyBobby and you're a shining example to other BS's going through their own private hell right now (not that it'll make you feel any better granted!)

I'm all for reconciliation but Devotedman is as usual spot on with his insight imho.

I'm so sorry you've had to join our really shit club RB.

Strength to you.

Your wife sounds like an Iceberg and a very calculating one ! My take for what it's worth is that she has spent the last 5 months exploring her new " single life " and found no greener grass and therefore wants her old life back. You sound like you have a strong resolve, stay with your plan and move on with your new life- good luck

devotedman - You hit the nail on the head. She could / would never talk about her feelings. Her whole family is that way. Her mother would often ask my mother about my wife, instead of asking her herself. I don't know that I ever talk about how something made her feel, but only that she liked/ didn't like something. 'stuffing'.

Your quote of what she could have said, and didn't, is bang on. If she'd said something like that I would at least have thought that's a step in the right direction. Instead all I have is remorse and half-hearted apologies.

I'm not worried about finding another, I tested the 'waters' back home at xmas and had two very successful evenings with beautiful women. My self-image and confidence aren't at issue so much, though after all this I question my character judgement I must say!

Alchemy - I'm all too aware this has happened to me twice, though with two very different women a long time apart. And I'm spent a lot of time thinking about that. I'm familiar with the book and the theory espoused within. I think it could have had some applicability to me 20 years ago, but not now. But it's always good to reexamine these things.

She came back in such a strange way. You know her well, but from out here she looks like a weirdo.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 6:08 PM, March 7th (Tuesday)]

In the 1970s and 1980s in American football, there was a player named John Riggins, later was inducted into the Hall of Fame. In 1980, he wanted more money, the team wouldn't give it to him, so he left. The next season's about to start, he's still AWOL. Hasn't been heard from. The coach comes to visit Riggins' house in the country. The coach comes to find Riggins wearing camouflage, hunting, and drinking a beer at 10 in the morning. A few weeks later, Riggins shows up at the stadium, and the press asks why he's back. Riggins replies, "I'm bored, I'm broke, and I'm back."

Riggins was known as a crazy man, a wild man.

Your wife reminded me of that.

The way she left, the way she came back. Just crazy.

I pulled a few things out of your posts to try and wrap my head around things.

May 2016 she fvcks the dude.

October 2016 the day after your 9th anniversary, she want to break up, reveals adultery, and has already found a monthly rental apartment.

October 2016 a few days after DDay she wants to talk about "our feeling about the situation". Your agenda for the meeting is to split assets.

November 2016 she responds to your Mom's email with, she "doesn't deserve RickyBobby's love, respect or trust"

March 2017 at the meeting to sign the agreement, she refuses and says she made a "huge mistake". She follows up with a note that she "wants to come back" and "has wanted to come back" but hasn't because you don't deserve her.

I'm trying to understand all of this in the context of her longstanding inability to find her voice and express her feelings. Throughout the marriage I take it.

The gap between the May adultery and the October DDay the day after your anniversary is notable because you didn't notice any change in her.

Her DDay was planned included securing an apartment. Adultery was always a stated deal breaker for you. You told her to get out and she thought that was going to be your reaction so she had the apartment ready and available.

So she pops up a couple days later to discuss "feelings" about the sitch, in November makes a statement to your Mom about not deserving your "love, respect, or trust", and in March opens up (a bit) when the opportunity occurs surrounding the signing of the document.

Next there is the whole "greener pastures" thing. The cheating with the Ex/OM dude is a one-off. So she hasn't been dropped by him. She makes good salary. Her job is portable, globally. She is good at what she does. So there isn't any economic imperative in play here.

Chamo writes that either the grass wasn't greener or she has found her remorse. DM writes about people that "stuff down" their feelings. Astute members.

I don't think she has the capability and capacity to find her voice and express her feelings. Virtually incapable of doing so. Consequently, you get nothing in the way of deep, emotional conversation. She simply can't express it.

It was as if she was resigned on DDay that the outcome was foregone, hence the apartment. True, she knew cheating was a deal breaker. But she seemed unable to articulate anything after 5 months of holding onto the adultery.

I believe her when she says she has always wanted to come back. I just think she doesn't have the capacity to express what feelings she does have. Therefore you have no way of assessing her. Any actions she takes, or should take, would come from a place of knowing and expressing her feelings.

I'm left with this: She knew cheating was an absolute deal breaker, confessed and had her exit planned because it was a deal breaker for you, surfaces every now and then (almost always when given an opportunity by others), and makes some expressions of regret. Probably all she is capable of expressing.

This nags at me from DDay:

She then finished with saying I was her best friend but that she now felt the marriage was a sham and wasn't committed to it.

She has to overcome this statement. Otherwise I only see regret. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't have the ability to identify and express feelings.

Alchemy - I'm all too aware this has happened to me twice, though with two very different women a long time apart. And I'm spent a lot of time thinking about that. I'm familiar with the book and the theory espoused within. I think it could have had some applicability to me 20 years ago, but not now. But it's always good to reexamine these things.

OK, that's good.

If you don't mind my asking, given your user name, are you a Will Ferrell fan, a NASCAR fan or both?

Timelessloss -

I believe her when she says she has always wanted to come back. I just think she doesn't have the capacity to express what feelings she does have. Therefore you have no way of assessing her. Any actions she takes, or should take, would come from a place of knowing and expressing her feelings.

I'm left with this: She knew cheating was an absolute deal breaker, confessed and had her exit planned because it was a deal breaker for you, surfaces every now and then (almost always when given an opportunity by others), and makes some expressions of regret. Probably all she is capable of expressing.

You've got it. You've articulated that quite well, thanks. She doesn't know her feelings and can't express them. It's consistent across her entire family - no one knows how to discuss any emotion. I had in the past suggested she go to a counsellor to try and address this, but she didn't (also, they are very, very hard to come by where we live). She knows she's unhappy, for whatever reason (ie. me, her, some combination thereof), but she doesn't understand her feelings enough to understand why. And so if we got back together, without her doing the work to understand why and what of her feelings, next time things were making her unhappy she'd likely pull the plug again.

Alchemy - a Will Ferrell fan. Motorsports-wise, I'm an F1 fan.

Motorsports-wise, I'm an F1 fan.

Used to be a big F1 fan (saw the U.S. Grand Prix at Watkins Glen a couple of times) but the best racing I ever saw live was the CanAm series races at Mid-Ohio Speedway in Mansfield, OH. Unlimited class engines racing on an F1-type track with drivers like, Mario Andretti, Mark Donohue, Phil Hill, Parnelli Jones and Bruce McClaren.

I've never witnessed anything more exciting.

In the western world, marriage is a feminist scam that should only be entered into if necessary to secure the father's (meager) parental rights

Alchemy.......... I don't believe this sort of derogatory generalisation is permitted on SI.

.. and if it is, it damn well shouldn't be.

Your statement is insulting and blatantly untrue.

MOB

In the western world, marriage is a feminist scam that should only be entered into if necessary to secure the father's (meager) parental rights

Alchemy.......... I don't believe this sort of derogatory generalisation is permitted on SI.

.. and if it is, it damn well shouldn't be.

Your statement is insulting and blatantly untrue.

MOB

Sorry you feel that way, MOB, but I don't believe my statement violates the SI Guidelines which, regarding "generalizations," says:

Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

My statement doesn't do any of these things. If it is a generalization, it is only so in the sense that it lumps together for criticism the marriage laws of many western countries. Having been on websites like this for years and having seen how men in North America, the rest of the English speaking world and Europe are treated in divorce courts, especially when it comes to child custody, I believe it is a more or less accurate statement. In any event, it is my opinion.

You and others are free to differ of course, but I don't see why SI should ban my opinion and, frankly, banning it would I believe be inconsistent with the purposes of this site. If those of us you participate are not free to offer our honest opinions on matters pertaining to things like the benefits of / problems with marriage, there doesn't seem to be much of a point to allowing us to participate at all, does there?

Thanks for your comment, though. I appreciate your candor and if I offended you please understand that that was not my intent.

Alchemy - Can Am era was the pinnacle of raw motorsport. Porsche 917 for me please! I was a bit young to see them in the flesh but remember watching on tv.

So wife called me last night to ask if I was 'ok' as I hadn't responded to any of her messages. I replied yes and hung up. This AM I got an email from her mom saying how broken up she is about all of this and "as you probably know [she] hasn't opened up" to me and that she has no idea what is going on /has gone on. Her mom and my parents are great friends and I know she is also frustrated with the poor communication issues! Though her mom is the same way I think.

Going to respond to wife this weekend. Telling her to sign the papers and get some help.

Anyways, it's Friday here. Off to lead a 3 hr workshop and then to the gym for an hour. Tomorrow a 4-hr ride and then gym. And then a dinner and lots of wine!

Anyways, it's Friday here. Off to lead a 3 hr workshop and then to the gym for an hour. So wife called me last night to ask if I was 'ok' as I hadn't responded to any of her messages. I replied yes and hung up. This AM I got an email from her mom saying how broken up she is about all of this and "as you probably know [she] hasn't opened up" to me and that she has no idea what is going on /has gone on. Her mom and my parents are great friends and I know she is also frustrated with the poor communication issues! Though her mom is the same way I think.

Going to respond to wife this weekend. Telling her to sign the papers and get some help.

Tomorrow a 4-hr ride and then gym. And then a dinner and lots of wine!

Minimizing contact with your WW is the best thing you can do. It will speed your emotional recovery and hasten your transition to an independent lifestyle.

As for what you do with yourself, beside work, the gym is good, the ride is even better.

I don't want to sound like your parent (though I'm probably old enough) but I'd caution you not rely on alcohol to ease the pain. A clear mind is what you need to have right now.

Time for an update:

Yesterday my wife texted and wanted to meet up to discuss 'something' but wouldn't tell me what 'something' was. I figured why not. As I said to my friend in NZ, "what's the worst it could be? She's pregnant with another man's child?"

Well. She is.

She was back home for her father's quadruple bypass and valve replacement two months ago. And apparently shagged the ex-boyfriend again. And is considering keeping the baby though she maintains she has no interest in being with the sperm donor. "I'm 40 next month, this may be my last chance to have a baby."

And she knew she was preggo when she came crawling back and begging me to take her back.

I told her she is actually insane and needs professional help. I will not be having any contact with her again except for what's needed to get the divorce. I'm moving back home as soon as I can finalise a role there.

In a way it's good, she's eliminated the little nagging bit of doubt I had when she came 'back'.

Did you ever take her off of your credit cards?

Sorry you have received another kick in the nuts, but you have your real truth now.

Forge ahead and remain strong brother.

You need a great lawyer RIGHT NOW!!!!!. She is pregnant with her lovers kid. Make extra sure she can't pin this kid to you because she is still technically married to you. Please, make sure all your bases are covered.

Get as far away from this woman as possible. She is poison to you. You deserve better.