SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is the part where I shake you...

i love her so much. the thought of being without her makes me want to walk into traffic (metaphorically).

Metaphorically speaking you are already standing in traffic with buses and semi's going 65mph all around you. In my opinion the absolute worst thing you can do is stand there and do nothing. infidelity being the high speed traffic that you are standing in.

This is fucking hard and it hurts. We all get it. After all there is a reason that "pain" is in our users right? But listen to everyone shouting from the side telling you to get out of traffic. In my experience the single worst thing you can do is nothing.

So take action!! In my previous post I listed a whole bunch of steps that you can start with. Maybe even start with making yourself a list. Then slowly put one foot in front of the other and start to follow that list. There is plenty of other good advice here too. Put it all together. But it's so important that you take action or for sure your marriage and family as you know it won't survive. My family's story is the poster child for the worst outcome of what inaction will do.

As far as evidence of your WW sleeping with her ex... I'm sure your heart wants to believe no. Your brain, well your brain is in a fog of it's own and probably doesn't know what to think. Maybe it wants to think that she didn't sleep with her ex because that's what your heart wants. But what does your gut tell you? That's what you really need to listen to in these situations if you haven't been listening yet. Always trust your gut. Deep down away from the noise of everything what is your gut telling you?

Regardless if your WW slept with her AP or not you still need to get out of infidelity. That should be your #1 goal. Getting you and your kids out of infidelity.

What step can you take today to get yourself out of infidelity?

First step I would recommend would be to call a lawyer and set up an appointment. Because that will take time and at the earliest wont happen until next week. So much can happen in a day let alone a week. Please just get the ball rolling.

Second, get your evidence together, whatever you have to date, and contact the OBS. Start to kill the A from both sides.

Third, cam you talk to your WW about composing an NC message together? Get the ball rolling here.

Start these things today. Or anything. Take a step forward in getting your family out of infidelity. You have quite a few people here cheering you on. You can do this and you are not alone.

yop

I agree with YOP.

Look OP, the problem with you is that you are thinking with your heart and not your head.

You are in limbo because of you and only you.

Get an attorney and move on from this.

Talking about how badly she treated you and then professing love a paragraph later only shows that you have two personalities right now and you can't and shouldn't operate like that IMO

I'm so very sorry you are here. It is incredibly difficult and nobody is prepared to handle the truth of their entire world being turned upside down. I am not even 2 months out from Dday yet but have frequented this site every day since and immersed myself in learning all there is to know on the subject.

I know its very hard to hear, but if you want to save your marriage the advice you are getting is how you do it. As of right now the decision isn't even yours. She is the one saying she may want it to be over. I hate to say it but if you continue on your current trajectory, you will actually be on a path to the worst possible result. That result is still being in infidelity a year or two from now. Unless you are fine with her continuing the affair or having a new one start up years from now, rug sweeping is a bad move. By facing no consequences for her actions she has no impetus for change. Why should she put in the very hard work it will be do determine what in herself allowed this to happen if she doesn't have to? If you give her a free pass then she is still an unsafe partner for you. You are knowingly putting yourself and your family at future risk. If that is fine with you then by all means, sweep this under the rug and never let it see the light of day. If that is not what you want then you need to take action. You must expose this to the closest of family and friends, and most importantly to the wife of her affair partner. The other betrayed spouse can help to ensure that the affair is dead. Without any consequence for her actions this affair WILL continue. Is that what you want? Are you willing to continue sharing your wife with another man?

about a week or so into our discussion of my discovery, so about this time last week, she told me that she knew cutting off contact with him was the right thing to do. she said she knew it was going nowhere and wanted our marriage to work. she committed to no contact. she called him one day and he called her the next. she said she told him then that he wasnt to contact her.

that was how i found out they talked on her work phone. until then, i assumed they only talked on her cell. i mean, fuck, she spent an hour a day on the phone with this asshat during work hours. how could she have spent any more time in the phone? what the absolute fuck did they have to talk about that much? sorry, my vocab is limited under certain circumstances.

she committed to telling me if he ever contacted her. i told her that i would unleash the fury of 7 hells if she talked to him and didnt tell me. (7 hells would be me disclosing to everyone ive ever come in contact with.) I mean that. i do not want to hurt her. i will play the worlds largest moron and allow her to tell me that she just enjoyed talking to him and that it was pure friendship. if she consciously and willingly hurts me again, gloves = off.

i believe that she will not. i also believe that we can get this back. im stupid, i get it. its pros and cons here. i love her and want her. i want like shes always been and like she was 3 days ago. that girl is in there and i will get her out. if she comes out, i know without any doubt at all that this will be behind us. i know that we will live a long happy life together.

i am a strong man and i know im in a fog. i also know what i believe to be best for me and my kids. it is keeping this family together at any any and all cost. i will fight to the death for her.

inside, i want to tell his wife. i want to tell her so that someone else hurts. i want to fuck his life up. i want his kids to know hes a pos scumbag child molester. to be quite honest, id like to be his face inside out and then take a shit on him. i want him to burn. i want everyone he comes in contact with to know what a true undenying pos he is.

those are all the wrong reasons to tell his wife. i do not feel like i would be doing her a favor. i do not feel like i would be helping her. i feel like i would be seeking revenge and voluntarily facilitating the destruction of another family.

look, its not eh first time this dick head has cheated. he cheated on my wife 20 years ago. he most certainly has cheated on his knew wife prior to now.

ooc, how many of you that are advising me to blow this entire thing up have reconciled successfully? im listening to all of what you guys are saying. i appreciate every typed word. you guys are concerned and trying to help and i am very grateful! its really helping...

on a positive note for me, i am calling my GP to get a rec for an IC (good lord im using abbreviations). I asked my wife if she would be willing to go to MC this morning. she said no, not right now. she is a very internal person. talking about her feelings has always been hard for her. i respect that. i know at some point, she will probably have to but my guess is that she is mortified of anyone else knowing. she is terribly ashamed and probably never thought she was this person. please reference when i said earlier that she is the best person ive ever met. i believe the reality of this situation and what she has done is terribly humiliating to her self image. as it should be, im sure.

you say you are willing to fight for your family but you keep making excuses for not doing the single thing which leads to successful reconciliations - exposure to his wife. You are not doing this for revenge, you are doing this to build up a wall around your family so that you can *try* to heal.

Until then, assume that they're talking every day at work.

TPIR:

These are very simple questions, with very simple yet loaded answers.

Do you love yourself?

Do you respect yourself?

FUCK. today is going to be a loooong day. LOL.

i also suppose i have a concern that telling his wife could make it easier for him to pursue my wife. may be hes cheated on her several times before and she knows it. maybe she told him if he ever talked to my wife again, she'd leve him right there. maybe she isnt happy and wants out anyway. i could be giving her the spring she needs to bounce. right into my fucking house.

farside:

yes, i love and respect myself. right now it is certainly no apparent and i know that.

i love her and i love our family. and like you all, i love our amazing house and the life that we lead. i cannot see myself having a life with anyone else.

im serious, our life is storybook shit as im sure many of yours are.

i do love myself. im only willing to chew the shit sandwich for so long. in the meantime, i dont want to call an attorney. i will go to therapy but i dont want to do anything that cannot be undone.

sorry for the broken up posts...

fwiw, i know everything about his wife. where she works, phone numbers, etc. i know where his kids go to school. everything.

i built quite the dossier before i confronted her. wanted her to be dead to rights, so to speak.

ooc, how many of you that are advising me to blow this entire thing up have reconciled successfully? im listening to all of what you guys are saying. i appreciate every typed word. you guys are concerned and trying to help and i am very grateful! its really helping...

I can only speak for myself. My sitch is different but I can tell you that my father took the same track as you did. To him trying to keep his family together was to yell at my mother and slap her on the wrist. No other consequences what so ever.

You know what that got us? Another 5-6 years of my mother continuing her affair. Another 5-6 years of "Hey dad. I have to tell you something...again. Saw mom's and AP's cars together again...this time at aunts house. Do you want me to order out for dinner again tonight?" Quite the toxic household for my brother and I to grow up in. I watched my father go from somewhat happy go luck to never cracking a joke again. He even stopped whistling. And the dead 10,000 yard stare that he had when he thought no one was looking. Kids pick up on a lot. Household was so toxic in that my parent's were caught up in their own bullshit. Affair this, affair that. Etc etc etc until one BANG!!! My brother committed suicide. Now I'm not saying my brother committed suicide because of the A. I'm saying that the air was so toxic in my house growing up that no one even saw what was going on with him. This after years of my father continually slapping my mother on the wrist with NO consequences. My father never saw a lawyer. He never learned that he could have gotten us kids out of there when things turned really bad later. He even said that he thought he would lose his kids. Truth is he never looked until it was too late. He was so focused on my mother and his love for her. Where was the love for himself> Where was his love for the rest of us?

Like I said. My family is poster child for worst possible outcome of not taking action. TAKE ACTION NOW!!! Worry about reconciliation later. Your not even sure if you can recover your marriage yet. Did you read any of those links on recovering your M yet?

I know it seems counter intuitive to be tough on on your WW and infidelity. The instinct is to treat the situation with kid gloves. Which is wrong. You need to be tough on the situation.

While you are being tough on the situation and following the advice of many here. It's ok to say to your WW that you are getting your family out of infidelity. That you are leading the way. that she can get on board at any time but that the train to getting out of infidelity is leaving the station.

Take action. You will feel better for it.

And yes, those reasons are shitty reasons. You're a family man right. So appeal to yourself on that level when telling the OBS. You don't want his kids finding out any other way.

yop

Also, MC right now is a waste of time and money. Reason is because your WW needs to get into IC first and get to the bottom of her whys. She has shit boundaries and needs to shore those up or this will continue to happen. Until she does that MC waste of time and money in my opinion.

yop

on a positive note for me, i am calling my GP to get a rec for an IC

I'm very glad to see that you are doing this! Having a good IC is a great asset in finding ways to analyze and deal with confusing and horrible situations like this. Right now you need to be the most functional dad you can be, and IC can definitely help things along.

Also if things start getting better at home you might end up dropping off the site as many do. If you need to, don't hesitate to come back if you need to, might be a few years. You will be supported. Best of luck to you!

wow. sorry for your experience.

im concerned i will not live with my kids. i was the first to hold each one. i was mostly responsible for their names. each is talented and special it their own right and cant imagine that being damaged. if i can stop it, i will.

i also suppose i have a concern that telling his wife could make it easier for him to pursue my wife. may be hes cheated on her several times before and she knows it. maybe she told him if he ever talked to my wife again, she'd leve him right there. maybe she isnt happy and wants out anyway. i could be giving her the spring she needs to bounce. right into my fucking house.

Valid concern but I would argue that for the almost four years I have been here I have yet to see that happen. IF that were to happen, then chances are it's going to happen whether you expose or not. Very very few affairs last. Especially when exposed. There are a few that do end up with their AP but then that's 2 shitty people being together which... doesn't last.

If they are going to be together then you exposing the affair won't be the cause of that. And IF this is a legitimate fear you have, I ask you why? Do you really think your WW would go with her AP? If so, what does THAT tell you about your situation.

yop

how many of you that are advising me to blow this entire thing up have reconciled successfully?

I've been in R for 6 years with my WW. Successful? So far. And I can tell you that if I had taken the approach you are taking, I'd either be in a false R or divorced; and be racked with regret and self-loathing. R is tough enough when you do everything right.

But really you're asking the wrong question. You should be asking "How many of you that are advising this approach had a successful outcome for you?"

That successful outcome could be R or D. Until you realize that, you'll continue to be her door mat.

I am glad to see that you recognize the actions that show you do not love or respect yourself...at least, not as much as you love and respect her.

She is no catch, brother. Now you are beginning to see who she truly is, and you are doing your very best to pretend that it is not the true her. Most of the time we see waywards trying to gaslight their BS into believing the lies and protecting the image. You are literally doing that for her.

So, your answer is to beg and plead for life (and her) to return to normal. That is the very same normal that led to her cheating. Why would you want that back?

For this reason, if you love and respect yourself, you wont rugsweep.

If you love and respect yourself, you will not continue to rescue her from her own poor decisions at your expense.

If you love and respect yourself, you will expose to appropriate persons in order to kill the affair.

If you love and respect yourself, you will not make decisions based on achieving the desired (yet not necessarily best) outcome, but rather on the principles that make you...you.

If you love and respect yourself, you will draw clear boundaries that will be followed, or she will not remain your wife.

You see, as BS's, many of us constantly tell new BS's not to watch what WS's say, but rather what they do. This prevents gaslighting.

However, this also applies to BS's.

What do your actions say?

Don't believe the lies about being selfless. That is a sure fire way of remaining in infidelity forever. Love yourself enough to step off the merry-go-round madness.

i also know what i believe to be best for me and my kids. it is keeping this family together at any any and all cost. i will fight to the death for her.

I think it is awesome that you have such conviction to keep it together. The concern everyone has here is will she do what it takes to keep it together? Or will you be fine with sharing her? Is keeping the family together, but her also having a little something on the side what is best for you and your kids? I am not trying to be too harsh, I promise you but that is a very real option if she doesn't commit to do the work.

how many of you that are advising me to blow this entire thing up have reconciled successfully?

I am not going to say that I have reconciled successfully yet, it hasn't been long enough. However, if there are no setbacks I can say I am well on the way to that being a reality. I never filed for divorce (though she knew it was certainly on the table and early on the most likely outcome), and my wife was only kicked out of the house for a few days before coming back to stay in the guest room for a few more and then eventually back in our bed. However, she showed true remorse very quickly and began doing whatever she could to prove that one day I will be able to trust her again. She immediately cut off contact with her AP, told her boss what happened so that he can monitor the situation as well and ensure no contact, and I told immediate family. Within days she had ordered about 10 books to read, setup counseling for herself, asked me if I would consider going to marriage counseling, installed tracking apps on her phone and car, has given me open access to all devices at any moment I want, offered to take a polygraph and answered every question I asked (multiple times). She writes me notes or prints out quotes to put in my truck so that I have a message from her every morning. These are all great things but I must see this demonstrated over a long period of time to determine if I am willing to stay in this marriage and attempt to ever trust her again.

I should mention that she is doing this despite the fact that she has been a very internal person her whole life. That is part of what led us here, she wasn't willing to talk about her feelings and things that were bothering her with her family of origin, leading to depression. She has to show me that she is willing to go out of her comfort zone in order to make me comfortable. She must discover and change the things in herself that allowed her to go outside our marriage.

How many of these things is your wife willing to do? I will also say that many on this board have said if my wife is truly doing all this, then I have the perfect example of a remorseful wife. I don't tell you all these things to throw it in your face or brag about how great my wife is (HA!!!!), but to give you an example of some of the things your wife should do in order to prove to you that you will be safe in the future with her and she will never hurt you and the kids in the way she has ever again. Sorry for the long message and know we are all trying to help you get through an incredibly tough time.

i also suppose i have a concern that telling his wife could make it easier for him to pursue my wife.

Tell me, sir...when has fear EVER been the best method of determining action?

It also makes it very hard to look at the man in the mirror staring back at you.

im concerned i will not live with my kids. i was the first to hold each one. i was mostly responsible for their names. each is talented and special it their own right and cant imagine that being damaged. if i can stop it, i will.

It's a valid concern. My father had the same one. I'm also a father of 3 myself and cannot imagine a day without them.

But this thinking right here is exactly why you call a lawyer and set up an appointment. It's not to divorce. It's to find out information. What does your state allow? If the shit hits the fan and your WW moves in with AP next week are you able to get 100% custody? What sort of legal action can you take if she brings her AP around your kids? How can you use the law to influence your WW if you HAD to? Seriously, call a lawyer already. Arm yourself with knowledge. FIGHT for your family. Protect them!! That may or may not include your WW and that remains to be seen.

Take action!!!

yop

i dont want to call an attorney. i will go to therapy but i dont want to do anything that cannot be undone.

Hugs to you, I wish you had some in real life (IRL).

Going to an attorney is not something than can't be undone. It's just research. Everyone's state has different rules and guidelines. Everyone's situation is different. You should know what a D would look like for you because it's very possible that your WW could file and you will be caught flat-footed. Even if you do file it can be withdrawn at any time. I work in a courthouse, it happens all the time. You can withdraw the petition even at the time you are standing before the judge. Your world is spinning; a little knowledge will help you, I promise.

As far as the community knowing what she did. It's very likely that a lot of people already do. I live in a very small town. When my XH's A was exposed (by me) a lot of people told me that they wondered about the inappropriate friendship with OW. But they were afraid to say anything. Also, I was scared because I thought he was better liked and respected in the community than I was. Turns out that was not the case and some that were barely acquaintances have become my greatest supporters.

One last thing: please tell his wife. She deserves to know. She deserves to get tested for STDs. Literally her life could be saved, HPV is nothing to discount. I wish I had done it, that is my greatest regret in handling my journey out of infidelity.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting.