SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And yes, I have told her that maybe one day in the future we could date again, but she shouldn't wait up. I was a bit vindictive when I told her that I don't have to live with the fact that I didn't give this marriage my all, that was her cross to bare.

I think you've got it figured out. Yeah, it's OK to divorce for any reason once you've been betrayed.

The idea of divorcing then her having to compete and earn your trust back is the perfect way to go. If she can great, if not, you gave her the chance.

I think you will find once it's done and a bit of time passes you won't have any interest in her at all.

Hey, guys. WW and I recently had a long conversation. She initiated it, said she wanted to answer as many questions as I want before D is final. So, I came back here, saw some comments, and decided to take her up on her offer.

Before, when I asked her about why she said AP was better than me, she said something along the lines of being in a fog and doing things that were out of her character. I realised that reason is not a reason, but an excuse. So this time I asked her again, and told her not use the fog excuse and just be honest with me. I want you all to understand something,

This is a vent:

I'm not saying other people shouldn't believe the term "Affair Fog" as the real thing. I'm not saying people who act out of character should be defined in that moment. I don't care. I choose not to believe "Affair Fog" because I see people as complex and prone to bad behaviour. I'm not perfect and made bad choices that I still regret to this day. I own that as the person I was because I chose to change and face the consequences. I was never in any "fog" when I did those bad, out of character things. I don't accept nonsense like "I never in my life thought I would cheat". Some people never plan murder, never plan violent beatings, but consciously choose to do those things. So what point are you trying to make with stupid excuses like that? You want to make yourself feel better? Actions speak louder than words. These are the values I stick by. My wife did not change her behaviour overnight, I had to make difficult decisions so she could see that she seriously screwed up and I wasn't going to tolerate it. She gave me excuse after excuse that made my blood boil. No bullshit... End of story.

Anyway, she told me that the reason she said AP was better than me was because the A was something new to her and she liked it. She made it a bigger deal than she should have(?) and romanticised the A. She was more sexually expressive to the AP than me, so it gave her the impression that AP was better than me. Now, however, she says it's far from the truth, that sex with me triumphs anything she did with her AP. She again apologised for putting me through the ordeal of questioning my manhood.

I asked her what she would have done if I didn't discover her A then. She was honest and told me that she would have continued with the A. She had it in her mind that I would never find out and she didn't want to hurt me by telling. I quickly corrected her and told her the only reason she didn't say anything about the A was because she was protecting her own, selfish ass. She relented and agreed.

One thing I forgot to mention that the A started off as a EA for a month and then PA. So, technically, it was a 5 month A. Honestly, I don't really care about the EA.

She does not talk to the AP. She has extreme hatred for the AP and herself. I am indifferent of him. Apparently, his BS is putting him through hell for what he did. She hasn't contacted me after I exposed him.

nicenomore - I would never, in a million years, think of having sex with another woman while married. I'm glad it made you feel better, but it's not for me. Thank you for your concerns, I appreciate you and everyone else's wisdom.

sisoon - I know the anger is my own to deal with. WW wants to help me deal with the anger in any way she can, but I'm sure that I can get it out of my system by myself. I'm going to IC. It's been a tremendous help dealing with my emotions.

My wife earnestly wants a chance to date after the D. She is taking what I said seriously and wants a chance to be with me after D. I said it would take time, but it might be possible. She says she won't give up until she makes it up to me. I told her that after we D, there's nothing to make up for because the marriage is over. She strongly disagrees with my thinking and says that until I'm happy and love her again, there is so much she needs to "fix". I don't know.

I have recently read SpaceGhost's thread. I share many of his thoughts, especially concerning how I now view WW. It's not all the time, but let's just say I don't see WW and AP in a good light together. In fact, when I look at WW, my image of her is borderline disgusting sometimes.

I'm more sad than angry that things had to come to this. If I hadn't D'd, she would have still been obsessed with the AP. I can't bring myself to give someone like that a chance to do it over again. I'm not going to stress over if she is going to cheat on me again. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life regretting my decision to D. I'll be fine. Maybe not now, but I know I'll get through this... It's her I'm worried about.

I asked her what she would have done if I didn't discover her A then. She was honest and told me that she would have continued with the A. She had it in her mind that I would never find out and she didn't want to hurt me by telling. I quickly corrected her and told her the only reason she didn't say anything about the A was because she was protecting her own, selfish ass.

Good for you. Getting that clarity must restore some confidence in you knowing you did the right thing FOR YOU.

when I look at WW, my image of her is borderline disgusting sometimes.

Totally understandable.

Onward and upward, man.

SA-man

Fair is fair and I wish you the bes my friend. Just as a side note... once You do divorce, and have time to heal wounds somewhat and date new women... the insecurities you feel regarding your manhood will dissipate. That’s what my comment initially was kind of harping on, and I respect your stance. I know I’m no saint, but the one thing sleeping with other women did was show me how desirable I actually was outside of My toxic relationship.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:23 PM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

Nice job. You're handling this really well. Tempered anger, proactive, prideful but not ego driven, determined and true to your feelings. The fact that she admitted the affair would still be going on would bother me for as long as she was in my life and maybe when she was long gone afterwards. I've reasoned, some 2-3 month affairs were on there way to becoming 2-3 years in length, with discovery being the only reason preventing it from happening. Chilling thought.

Wife was devastated and had the gall to look to me for comfort.

She told me once during an argueument that he was better than me in bed etc, that he was everything to her

Not only did she cheat on me, but she insulted me, too. It breaks my heart every time I think about the things she did and said.

I, too, told her that cheating was a dealbreaker early on and in our relationship... She just didn't give a crap

I'm very aware how much effort I had to put in to end the affair. Me...not her

.

I had to make difficult decisions so she could see that she seriously screwed up and I wasn't going to tolerate it. She gave me excuse after excuse

She was more sexually expressive to the AP than me

I asked her what she would have done if I didn't discover her A then. She was honest and told me that she would have continued with the A

I would never, in a million years, think of having sex with another woman while married.

Quotes pulled from your other posts. Tough living a life knowing the person laying down next to you were responsible for these thoughts and comments. Being in a fog is not being chemically impaired. She had a mind that functioned normally, however the words that came out of her mouth cannot return and not be unremembered. Seeking empathy for the loss of her boyfriend, being told he was superior sexually and admitting it would have continued if YOU hadn't taken steps to expose and end it would easily be enough for me to not only divorce, but also have no second thoughts of doing so.

Been betrayed a couple of times with fiances. Discovery day for both was also the end of our relationship. Loved them but had to leave them. I felt like a fool just listening to her expressing wanting to reconcile and expecting me to return even after her boyfriend (I thought I was her boyfriend, being that we were getting married) owned her mind, body and heart. I was already a fool once and the mere thought of her opening her legs for me to get "my turn" after having done so for him was extremely insulting. I never told her it was a deal-breaker, I just thought she would already know.

The conversation going on in my head was this: "Oh honey, please.......I realize I fucked him repeatedly for a few months without a condom and sought to avoid you so that I could fuck him without being bothered by you. I also realize you were home waiting for me and even though you were my fiance, I admittedly prioritized my pussy for him and valued (and enjoyed) fucking him more at that time. ......... Yes, I admit I fucked him on your birthday after we went out to dinner and I was quiet while being with you because I was thinking about him. I feel horrible about that.. I thought about stopping it, but I never attempted to do so. But.... I'm here now, and you're the only one that matters to me?"

Tough recovering from this! ..

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:30 AM, January 25th (Thursday)]

Your WW had a choice of whether to cheat or not & to cheat was totally her decision for whatever reasons she had.

Now you have the choice of whether to D or not to D & its totally your decision for whatever reasons you have.

You at least gave it a try which was more than she gave you. She didn't say hey SAM I believe I am going to cheat on you. Cudo's to you for trying that is much more than I would have done.

Its you're choice to do what best for you.

Sending strength my man.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 3:33 AM, January 25th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the update. Honestly, as unfortunate as your situation is, infidelity being a deal breaker for you really puts you in the best position to deal with this. A lot more than most people who come here and are torn with what to do after D-day.

I wish I could say I feel sorry for your wife as she seems to be doing the right things, but she knew the consequences.

As for the affair fog, I think people look at it a few different ways. Some look at it as almost being under the influence of a drug, addiction, or some kind of altered mental status. Which I agree, can be seen as an excuse to take less or no responsibility for ones actions.

I look at it as a representation of various behaviors and thought processes. ie: "They did x, y, and z and are rewriting the marital history so they are in the affair fog."

However you view it, don't get too hung up on the concept. It really doesn't matter. Like you said, your wife is an adult who made her own choices. Period.

One thing I do suggest however is to not put out the idea that you're willing to date after the divorce unless you're serious about doing it. If your wife is trying to change for the better, you don't plan on getting back with her (and it doesn't sound like you do), then just let her try to move on.

There's really no point in stringing her along for months or years if you have no intention of being with her. Maybe you should just tell her after the divorce things are done between you. Probably more sensitively than how I put it though lol.

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:16 AM, January 26th (Friday)]

I don't hear much of people dating after divorce. I know it's bantered around here quite a bit, but always seems rather impractical. I mean by the time the divorce goes through you are pretty well detached from them and possibly already testing the waters. Divorce or not, there will always be that cloud of betrayal hanging around them. Not many people want to walk back into that after with so many choices without the baggage. I really didn't know what a shitty marriage I was in until XW left.

I'll offer a very quick two cents here. Your decision to D is yours, of course. In the beginning, on d-day, I spent the night awake and on the internet looking up how to heal from infidelity. I had no idea what to do or how to move forward. I was of course, completely and utterly crushed.

Everything I read indicated that no big decisions should be made until emotions settle. Then I found SI and saw that it takes typically 2-5 years to heal and I thought I would just die right there. But you know what? I needed time, we have children who would be affected, and I had to allow for my emotions to reduce so I could even think straight. It did take the better part of a year for me to really sort through everything. I'm glad I waited.

You get to make your own decisions and I'm not here to tell you what is right or wrong. I'm just offering you the benefit of hindsight but YMMV.

What I want to know is if leaving out of anger or resentment is okay?

SAM - you queried the above question.

I know I'm a bit late to this. Here's a thought that I haven't seen really defined in this thread.

You're not divorcing out of anger.

You're not divorcing out of resentment.

You're divorcing because she cheated.

She caused this issue.

She chose to blow up the marriage.

She chose to force you to divorce.

You have resentment because she cheated.

You have anger because she destroyed the marriage.

You're now angry because you are forced to hand out consequences for her actions .

[This message edited by CheekyB at 10:39 AM, January 26th (Friday)]

Thanks for the update.

From experience....

You will find as you move on, that there are plenty of younger, better looking, and most importantly loyal women interested in you.

Once you get a taste of a relationship without the acid reflux of infidelity, you will heal much faster.

R is a gift. And by the very definition of "gift" it is always optional. I all too often see people here who want to encourage the BS to give the WS another chance if they are truly remorseful and doing all the right things.

I love to see a successful R. I really do. And at my age (mid 60s) I've seen some wonderful Rs. But it is ALWAYS optional for the BS. Just because something could happen doesn't mean that it must happen.

An affair is a total "get out of jail free" card. Even if the WS is 100% remorseful and willing to do all the work to become a perfect (or near perfect) spouse. I really don't like seeing people try to get the BS to accept what they think is unacceptable because the WS now wants to straighten up and fly right.

That's okay if the BS is okay with it - but people please don't try to make the poor BS accept what he/she doesn't want to accept.

Over and over again I see people telling the BS that they accepted "47 betrayals" and finally got to a good place so they should just keep trying. I have no issues with those who willingly go that path. Great if it finally works for you. But it's okay if someone doesn't want to do that.

If someone thinks it's a dealbreaker - let them be.

If it were me I would separate for a year and take up with many new partners. I would tell WW, that I may be back or not. However if she takes up with anyone during that time then we are done. Let her feel pain for a long while

Crazymixedupkid, you have a pm