SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those of you who are aware, I found out WW had an affair not so long ago. I filed for D, but held it off numerous times. I wanted to give us a chance but I think I'm done. She's doing everything right. She doing a lot of work on herself and trying her best to be a safe partner, but I can't let the fact that she fucked another man AND lied to me out of my mind. I don't want to constantly go back and forth on holding D over her head, as I feel it's unfair for her to constantly question the state of the relationship.

WW is understandably very upset and a mess over my decision to go full steam ahead with D. Not only is it going to put a financial strain on us, it's going to affect DD as well. WW has been begging and pleading me to reconsider. She said I'm doing it out of spite, that I want revenge. I think she was emotionally distraught when she said this, so I didn't take it personally.

She been going to the IC, so have I. I only hope she becomes a better person and makes someone else happy, but it won't be me. Unfortunately, no matter how much I tell myself what she did was bad, but it doesn't make her a bad person, I get the huge feeling of indignation, like the fact she practically killed our marriage and expected everything to blow over was okay with her. I take no bullshit, so I think that part of me can't stand being made a fool of.

Here's the problem, though. I think I am doing this out of anger. I really think WW is right when she says I want revenge by doing D. I know my mind is made up to leave her, but there's this feeling that I'm not doing this for the right reasons. I want to move on 100℅, some part of it out of anger and some part of it feeling like I'll never get over the affair and it's best to cut ties now instead of dragging this out.

WW has been hysterical and practically desperate to keep the marriage alive. Unfortunately, I just don't feel compelled to. I'm not asking if my decision to leave is right or wrong. What I want to know is if leaving out of anger or resentment is okay? I have no idea if I should be this guy who has his emotions figured out and forgives.

First off, I am very sorry. Second, you have every right to pull the plug if that is what you need. She made her choice to have an affair in the first place, now she has to deal with what happens because of it. Do what you need to do for you and do not worry about her trying to keep the marriage alive. You can always change your mind later if you feel like you can, so there’s no harm in doing what you need to do now.

Here is what my very wise (and expensive) therapist told me.

After my H had a second A and then demanded a D in three occasions. I was faced with this situation but I did not want the D at DDay 1. At DDay2 I told him I was D him!

My therapist used the term “successful D”. What he meant was that you can walk away from your M knowing you did everything you could - you will have no regrets. No second thoughts on the decision to D. You tried your best.

In your case you have two opposite thoughts. You seem to KNOW you cannot reconcile after your W’s infidelity. For many people that is a non-negotiable issue. And you are entitled to your position.

I THOUGHT I was the same way. But we have R. And we are happy and have a good M. But my H completely changed and realized his mistakes and is transparent. Willing to talk about his As if needed. Doesn’t hide from it. Admits his mistakes.

But the first few months after DDay2 was not good and I had D as my only option. However my therapist helped me get past my anger and rage and move towards R.

But it could not have happened without my H showing me his willingness to change.

I don’t know if you are D your cheating wife out of anger.

Only you know that. It certainly would be justified.

But you can give it 30 days and see if here is not a possibility you can work it out. But only you know if you can.

Like I said for some people an A is a complete deal breaker. Certainly warranted if you truly KNOW you cannot R / then D is the only option.

If it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker. Your WW may be begging and pleading for you to reconsider but what is she doing or saying that would back that up? It sounds like she's trying to shame you into reconsidering by saying you are wanting to D out of spite whether she was distraught or not. I don't know much about your story but it sounds like your WW is more in the regret zone than remorse. She doesn't think the consequences are fair and just.

I do hold the opinion that life altering decisions shouldn't be made while emotional. They are often regretted later. When I was teaching and consulting on estate planning and business transfers I would suggest that those kinds of decisions shouldn't be made for at least 6 months and probably 12 months would be better. That was for things like the death of a spouse, etc. To me adultery is an even bigger trauma that screws with your mind even more.

I don't know the timeline where you are to getting a D. For me it's after one year of separation. I could have had a 3 month period with adultery as cause if I had left her immediately upon discovery or if she had left. That didn't happen so it's one year after separation minimum. To me that timeline provides enough time for reflection and analysis.

But none of that matters. You need to do what you need to do. I said to my WW that adultery was a deal breaker to me before I knew she was committing adultery. When I found out I waffled, did pick me, etc. IMO, she never was remorseful, didn't do the work, minimized, blameshifted. Now, it is a deal breaker. We're separated and I've filed. As indicated above, your path is your path.

I do recommend that you get IC, too, if you're not already. The trauma you've suffered is real. It affects you. I've suffered PTSD. I don't believe you can heal yourself any more than I believe I could do my own brain surgery.

Sending strength of mind and clarity of thought.

My first thought was D too. I changed my mind before h moved out (he'd found another place). It's a hard road to stay. I'm three years out. He's really tried. We have a great partnership with living and raising our child together. Our love life sucks though and I've never fully gotten over what he did. You have every right to go or stay no matter what she thinks. She gave this choice to you by doing what she did. You can also change your mind. It's hard to know what you want and to make clear choices fresh out; I'm sorry you're struggling. And you don't want her to leave just out of anger, you have to face your victimizer daily. That's traumatic. Neither road is easy and I'm sorry you're facing it.

You question your own motives.

That says to me that you're not serving your best interests and that your best bet is to slow down.

Are you in IC? A good IC can help you get past your anger and into the better solution for you.

Man, I'd hate to see you cut of your nose to spite your face.

Ultimately, the decision to D is up to you. Reading your post however, leads me to believe you are questioning what your true motivation to D is.

You are not that far out from your dday, which means your emotions are running high. Making decisions in this type of emotional state generally leads to regret. Perhaps more IC is needed on your part before making a life changing decision. Maybe give yourself a 6 month waiting period just so your emotions become stable and you're not all over the place in your thinking.

Time is on your side with this. Time to settle down, time to think, time to heal, time to plan, time to gather more strength. Time, time, time...

Traditional advice is to not make such a big decision based on anger or to punish, since the only thing divorce really does is dissolve a marriage. It doesn’t fix you, it doesn’t get revenge. A

With that said, if your instinct is to divorce, do it. You can always withdraw the filing or reconcile later. Divorcing may be the only way for you to deal with this.

I don’t think it’s wrong to file divorce in anger. I think it’s a fine reason to do so when someone so deeply betrays you.

If it's it deal breaker, it is what it is. A WS has to take that into consideration when they make the conscious choice to betray their spouse. But then again they all think they are so smart and that they will be the one to get away with murder.

Until DDay that is.

Oh then how their feelings magically change with the wave of a hand. NOW the marriage means something to them. NOW they love their spouse. If it weren't so tragic it would be hilarious.

As determined as you sound to D, there is second guessing here.

Wait. You have time. Use it. Don't make a hasty decision out of anger you may regret. You've been through enough already. Give yourself some time, the clock is not ticking and there's no set time when an alarm is going to go off telling you it's time to D.

If she's so upset, I say good. She's just reaping what she sowed by having an A. Maybe she should have thought about that before sleeping with another man. Let her freak out a bit. It's about you now. Figure out what you want.

The decision to leave or stay is highly personal and looks different from person to person. It's harder if it's long term marriage, twenty or more years. What I do know we all have in common is that when you KNOW you know. You don't question yourself. It feels as though everything in your brain that you know drops into your heart and changes it and then it feels as though your entire body has aligned propperly and had not been so in many years.

It's true for some people, it's just stright up a deal breaker period end of discussion. There's nothing wrong with that, some folks are just wired that way.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. You are in the midst of a huge decision that impacts you deeply. It may very well be a deal breaker or not, I'm not sure even you know the answer to that. I see a lot of "buts" in your thinking. There's no deadline to decide. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow or next week it will be when it is. Whatever time it takes is not wrong, it is your journey.

I give you kudos for being honest with your FWW. It's important to healing either way (staying or going). There's no rule you must be cruel and hateful to one another in a divorce. Continue to be honest in that is how you are leaning and continue to wait until you sort things out.

When you know you are ready either way, you will know.

One day in the future you will reach indifference to what happened whether you divorce or reconcile.

Of course, you are angry. She betrayed and violated you in a horrendous way. One day you will forgive her, which doesn't mean forget to me. It means you let the emotional reaction go. You hold her indifferently and your emotions are no longer taken up by the event. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself...not for her. The betrayal will then become something that once happened to you versus an emotionally loaded event.

One thing I learned in therapy is that anger is a secondary emotion. It follows something else. My job was to figure out what other feeling I was covering up with the anger after my betrayal.

You know, I think most people are angry when they are divorcing. It's a f-in roller coaster with many feelings swirling and exploding all over the place. So, just because you are angry now is normal, and her bringing it up seems to be a manipulative tactic to make you feel badly about yourself.

You know a divorce can be stopped at any point, and also you can remarry if she proves over much time that she is safe. She will prove this through her actions and not her words.

After Reading many stories

My conclusion is that R is Done in two parts

If WS is remorseful

(1). Eating the shit sandwhich

(2). Reassurance that it will not happen again.

For many people 1 is hard than 2.

Because cheating just change everything in our past.

We began to question that what we had was real on just a dream.

Nobody likes to have divorce but sometime

We have to do it for ending the cycle of "R or D".

I forced myself for D

But there was no DD or DS.

If you feel that your DD will be alright and you can co parent

With WW

Then go for it what your heart says.

A part of me is leaning towards divorce but I'm not sure I want our three-year-old DD to grow up struggling emotionally. WW and I both work to make sure we have a family unit house and I'm afraid of ruining that for DD.

I'm quoting from one of your other posts. Many would argue that your DD may struggle emotionally growing up in a house with a broken marriage [which will happen if you stay with your WW without a successful R process]

So if you can't R (and as everyone has said, you don't have to want to R or even be able R), the best thing you can do is give your DD two loving homes with two caring parents.

You can D and both you and your WW can support your daughter so that she's able to get through this change as well. Also, as a three year old, she will more easily adapt to this change now than, say, in 4 years from now.

Let me tell you about a solution to an affair that I once knew about during my military career. The woman had an affair and her husband, who was in the military, discovered said affair. He too decided it was a deal breaker and wanted a divorce. The wife was extremely remorseful and begged for another chance and R. Like you he wanted a divorce but was unsure if it was the smart thing to do because he was angry and the need for revenge was extracting a heavy pull on his thinking. He put some thought into it and came up with a solution. He sat his wife down and told her he would stay on one condition. That condition was she owed him an affair of his own. That he may have that affair in a year, 5 years, or he may never have it. It all depended on her. It depended on how safe he felt in the marriage and how committed she would be to R and the marriage. He said that if he did have the affair he would tell her up front and not hide it like she did. She accepted the challenge. This was over 30 years ago and the last I heard they were still together and happy. Needless to say he never had his affair. I'm not sure he ever intended to have an affair anyway. It was his "ace in the hole". I'm not saying this is an answer, for when it comes to marriage and cheating there are a thousand answers from divorce to living happily ever after. Infidelity doesn't always have to destroy a marriage and a family. A quote I once read. "A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other." I do wish you well.

It's a dealbreaker for you.

You get the kind of remorse and hard work that most betrayed spouses don't see so I'm sure that's putting the doubt in your head but she crossed that line for you and there's no coming back from that.

She can't have it both ways. She can't cheat then not accept the consequences. She also, if though she doesn't like it respect your decision.

You might need the divorce for your sanity, for your sake. Follow your heart, the best thing for everybody is self care. You take care of yourself and your child and she, if she's serious about changing, continues to work on herself and heal.

What I want to know is if leaving out of anger or resentment is okay?

IMO, yes it is okay. Maybe not ideal. But what about dealing with infidelity is ideal?

Are you supposed to get to the point where you accept and are ok with her before you divorce? That is not realistic.

What she did (sex with OM for months) and what she said (he was better than you in every way) are horrible things.

It was a deal breaker for you. If divorce is what you need to do to move on so be it.

It sounds like if you stick around it will eat you alive. Seeing her everyday will continue to trigger you. And then what? Divorce a few years from now? Once the stress of living with her has beat you down and aged you? Will your anger at her be replaced by anger at yourself for staying?

Let's say you leave out of anger. Then later regret the decision. Well you could try dating her again and see what happens. Where is she going? Are there lots of men lining up to date a single mom with a history of adultery? I doubt it.

BTW I, like yourself, do not buy into the Fog theory. If everytime you get drunk you start picking fights, you are a violent person. If, when no one is looking you steal, you are a thief. And if you sleep with other people when married, you are an adulterer. When the inhibitions are down the real you comes out.

You saw the real her. And now that her lover has dumped her, she is promising the world. It's not working on you, thus the tantrums. How is divorce revenge? It is a natural consequence of HER actions. She needs to own that. She had her fun. Time to put on the big girl panties and accept the results.

Hi Compatriot

Infidelity is a crappy place to be, but we are a tough lot we are. You will get through it and most probably find an entrepreneurial way to turn it into something to benefit someone somewhere.

I dont have the wisdom of so many on here so I tend to steer clear of giving advice and rather just share experience.

1. She has no say or influence on this decision and should not be calling you out on it. Hell, she very purposely, and with conscious decisions and planning to the minutes detail, went about obliterating the marriage. There is no marriage for you to kill though spite. So there can be no spite in anything you do.

2. It has always been a deal breaker for me. I knew it on day 1 and cut her out of my life that instant. I then did hear all the voices saying what if, and faced the same questions that you are now. That, and my self doubt got me to try R for a year. It was hell. I have on occasion felt guilty that I put all of us though that but I feel that guilt less now. At least, through that year I was able to get to the point of absolute certainty. As hellish as that year was, it was worth the peace I now have with the decision.

3. I was concerned about the effect on my kids. In all honesty, they are better off than what they would have been in a cold marriage and with a dad who had lost his belief in himself as a man.

I dont know how long you have been at it, but a lot of the wisest folk on here often point out that the one thing we BSs have on our side is time.

If you need to get to that point of peace, take the time. If you see that it is already damaging your DD, then maybe you need to decide.

I'm completely in the same place. Have said I want to go and I think I do. I don't think I will ever recover from what she has done to me. I also told her it would be a deal breaker before she did it. How can I now go back on that? Why the fuck should I quite frankly. She was alive, sober and conscious when it happened. She had heard what I had said. It was her who was breaking us up, even if it was 18 years ago etc. etc. Not only that but the hell and doubt I have been through since then until she finally found an ounce of courage to tell me I was right all along and I still doubt I've got the full truth.

My WW is now doing the pleading and so depressed thing. She know's well that it works on me although interestingly this morning I ignored it and it stopped pretty quickly.

What we are doing is MC and putting space between each other. She still wants access to my bank accounts and blah blah blah but she ain't getting any of it. We've got children so I'm keeping it kind for them but I think we are slowly going to move apart. Finances are complicated and tangled. I just wish I'd never bloody married her. Just lived with her. Getting married is the stupidest thing I ever did and will cost me half my inheritance. I know what financial advice I will be giving my boys. Only marry a woman richer than you.

I deleted my post that I here as I read one of you other posts and I see you have filed and close to being able to execute on the D.

It is not unreasonable to D and commit to R for some period. Getting a D helps you feel less like you feel controlled by her A and in a position to maybe be more genuine in giving R a more sincere effort. This is exactly what I did and it was immensely helpful to me in knowing I could leave in an instant if ever there was additional betrayals.

I will say, you description of the efforts your WW is making, as noted in several other posts, seems to be very genuine. It does seem she is trying hard. You can have both. Taking control back through a D, and committing to a period of R that is genuine, with IC and MC as needed. No promises as to the outcome, but a genuine promise to try. I get the need to cut ties. It was liberating for me. I am certain it helped me to feel less of the "unfairness" of it all as I had taken control through the D.

We did successfully R, not without challenges. We did remarry in a court house. There are no rules and you can choose the methods that work for you. I'm just saying it is not out of the realm of possible or reasonable take control through a D and still have a successful R on your terms, not on her A terms.

[This message edited by DIFM at 5:57 AM, January 22nd (Monday)]

I so get this post. I too have a Husband who I think ‘now’ does get exactly how much his actions have knocked me for six , even though in my case it’s something from 11 years ago and was a crush that went way too far, so in my case I came across a pile of longing poems and recorded songs, (his songs, him playing and singing) all about this person (who I knew) . It also involved tons of overtexting, a few secret meet ups and shared rooms on tour. It may have been more than he has said, dontthink I will ever know. I don’t know either if she was aware he had the hots for her, he says not and a lot of young women do overtext. This was a very young woman. The thing is no matter how much they may love you and no matter when it was, in my case once seen and heard, I know I don’t think I can ever feel 100% about him again, 70% on a good day and I’m not sure if I want a 70% marriage. He also has a bad secret porn habit too and a temper. I think if the marriage was amazing and it was ‘just’ that one period of madness , I may have found it easier to forgive, but when it’s added towards other not very nice things, the package becomes a bit 70% if you get my drift, no matter how much I like him. (And I do) I too feel I may well end up splitting out of anger, as I feel I was made a total mug of because I trusted, but if I stay I feel I may always feel only ‘part in’ and I don’t think that is fair on him either. What he did was totally idiotic and awful but doesn’t mean it’s fair to have someone not fully ‘into’ you. I don’t have an under 18 to think of now, but it’s still not an easy choice, partly because you read about all the shits on here and wonder is it better the devil you know, and at 56, although intelligent and told I am attractive, it isn’t as though I would be spoilt for choice, I know he would!!