SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

if leaving out of anger or resentment is okay

I think it is if you believe it is necessary for you to start to truly heal.

Sometimes we get stuck in infidelity purgatory (stay or go) and continue on the rollercoaster ride.

Perhaps filing will provide you with some relief. Should you have a change of heart you can stop the process.

Do what is right for you. For your healing.

(((good luck)))

Some may understand this and some may not, it has taken me quite awhile to get it and try to work thru this but along with many of the other very true statements that others have said on here...and also the fact that infidelity itself gives a BS every reason to not want to be married to the WS any more, the deal was broken by the WS the minute they cheated.... it is however very important to understand the mindset of the BS and how this has changed everything for them. And I know we hear it on this site all the time, but I don't quite think a WS and many times a BS truly understands it themselves until they get a little further along how truly devastating this is to a BS, soul crushing, belittling, embarrassing, shameful (even though none of them are ours, a BS goes thru all of these emotions) and they just get to the point where they just don't even like or respect the WS any more. And along with the anger and rage over having this done to them it puts a very weak minded WS in a space where they see no hope to fix the marriage, they cannot live thru the BS's shock and anger and sadness. If a WS is looking for validation in other areas, then they get caught and now they have their spouse looking at them in horror??? That WS who cannot or will not do whatever is needed to help that BS heal after what they have done is a WS who is going to keep doing what they do, in fact will start to resent the BS even further with how they feel justified in doing what they have done.

So you have a BS in shock and anger and you have a WS who won't or can't do the work to be honest and true and humble and it just leads to it being a deal breaker. And a BS knows it, whether it is sooner or later they get it, that is why they go into shock and denial for awhile because deep down in their soul they know it was a deal breaker. Because they know their WS does not get it, will probably never get, the pain will keep happening and they don't want it to be a sad and lonely marriage for them any more so they call it quits.

Unless you have that rare WS, which we do on this site, there are so many of them over there who have "gotten it" and also got very lucky that they had a BS who could find a way to forgive them. That truly is a miracle. To have a true honest open marriage. I so admire the ones I see over there, the longer I am here the more I understand how truly painful and difficult it is to get human beings to be emotionally truly honest.

So for a BS who gets it right away and just says "I can't do this any more" I admire them as well. It takes alot of guts and soul searching and belief in yourself to just let go and stop holding onto the reigns of something that is just not there any more. It is a deal breaker.

Well, honestly, I don't know how you make the decision to D if its not some part out of anger or spite. Infidelity is a betrayal that leave a bad taste in your mouth, if you aren't upset after that than I'm not sure how invested your were in the relationship to begin with. I'm a year and a half out from D-day (divorce) and I'm completely indifferent towards her at this point, but it still pisses me off that she cheated. Probably always will. Its a shitty thing to do like spitting in someone's face, except obviously magnified.

The only reason you have to R is if you want to continue your marriage and put in all the effort to rebuild it. I never tried it, but it seems like a lot of work that you have to really have your heart into or it likely won't amount to much. Some people just don't love their spouses the same after it, and only R for other reasons, which must be really hard.

I think of divorce as a really difficult decision but its like a band-aid, once you rip it off, it hurts like hell for a bit then you move on and its easier to get over since they are gone. Whereas with R its like slowly ripping the band-aid off over years, since you aren't getting rid of the source of your pain and the aftermath is a struggle if you can't let go of the betrayal. You get to keep your family and income in tact but its at a price. Some people never let go of it. Infidelity truly kills most marriages whether you get the D or not.

I think you are making the right decision for you.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 10:00 AM, January 22nd (Monday)]

Most cheaters don't do what they do to LOSE their families. They do what they do because they're selfish assholes who think they deserve to have more than everyone else, and as long as their betrayed spouse doesn't know, it's all good...right?

That way, they get the best of BOTH worlds. Yay for them!

And then you catch them and all of a sudden, they're OH SO SORRY and love only you, and didn't realize what they were risking and all this happy horse shit. They pretty much know EXACTLY what they were doing and EXACTLY what they were risking or they wouldn't have worked so damned hard to keep it hidden from their BS. It seems most of them are so arrogant that they believe they're just too clever to get caught.

Until they are.

And by the way, I just wanted to say that what NoMercy said above rings so true with me as well. ^^^^^

I think NoMercy hits the nail on the head when it comes to “the fog”. So much wisdom taking so little space.

You should feel no guilt, this is not your mess to clean up. R is a gift and there is nothing wrong with you not offering the gift. Damn cake eaters put this in our lap and say “I didn’t really care about our marriage much, so you must be the adult here.”

I say, if you know deep at your core this is a deal breaker, don’t deny it. I know my wife didn’t have sex in her affair, but it wasn’t for a lack of desire or effort. She marched right up to that line for me. Even her not having had sex, I decided to stay in the marriage not for her, but for the kids. I know that as long as my wife continues to grow as a person we can be happy together again, but I would still divorce her had the affair gone a hair further. I just can’t accept her consummating a love affair with another man. Deal breaker, end of story.

Don’t beat yourself up, this is not your fault. If she truly changes as a person, you can re-examine the issue later. Don’t do things that will make you feel trapped for the next 5 years.

I wish you the best.

I am the FWH so take it fwiw.

I would say to you the same as I told my FBW. Your ws owes you to help you heal. Even if D is the outcome heal first so you don't carry baggage on to the future. As long as they are helping.

JMHO

Dr. J

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. I must admit I'm in turmoil over this whole mess. I'm man enough to admit I've broken down at the fact that WW did this to us. We fought so hard together to be where we are now. I was never abusive, never drank, never did drugs, so it absolutely floored me that I got cheated on. I now get that it doesn't matter who you are or what you do, you can still get that shit sandwich that is infidelity.

I agree with many of you who advise I take time with my decision. I can say that now that I've processed the utter hell that WW has brought to us, I cannot, in good conscience, ever let this slide. Not only did she cheat on me, but she insulted me, too. It breaks my heart every time I think about the things she did and said. The timeline she wrote also puts everything into focus.

I'm not sure whether WW is those rare ones who "gets it". So far, she has been doing everything in her power to prove to me that she loves me and wants the marriage to work. I have never seen her that determined and consistent. I have no doubt that she would make someone happy. I, however, think the damage has been done, and there's no way back from that. Like a poster mentioned, I, too, told her that cheating was a dealbreaker early on and in our relationship... She just didn't give a crap, I guess.

She thought she could get away with it. She thought I'd be too chicken shit to finish what she started. When I showed her otherwise, that's when she changed her tune. I'm very aware how much effort I had to put in to end the affair. Me...not her.

And yes, I have told her that maybe one day in the future we could date again, but she shouldn't wait up. I was a bit vindictive when I told her that I don't have to live with the fact that I didn't give this marriage my all, that was her cross to bare.

I'd like to clarify that WW wasn't trying to manipulate my decision. She was afraid that she turned me into a bitter person and didn't want me to suffer for the rest of my life from her "mistakes". She readily agrees to the D, IF it's what I really want. And oh boy, I'm not stopping.

I suggested that she should post here to get herself support and advice from like-minded people. She is currently severely depressed and I'm not sure how much IC is helping her cope. WW is afraid to post on the Wayward side because she said that it is "brutal". Not sure what exactly she meant but I don't care either way.

Interestingly, I was watching a TV series and a scene where a couple (both married) were having a very explicit affair and enjoying the ego boost it gave them. I didn't react to the scene at all. I just merely watched with indifference. I don't know why, but it just didn't matter to me. WW panicked up a storm and hurriedly changed the channel, then started bombarding me with concerned questions. I think she was thrown off when I laughed at her behavior.

So you have a BS in shock and anger and you have a WS who won't or can't do the work to be honest and true and humble and it just leads to it being a deal breaker.

OK ... you're saying BS in pain + unremorseful WS = D. I get that. I agree. I like to think I'd have chosen D if my W had not done her work.

But with SAM, it's BS in pain + remorseful WS - that equation doesn't necessarily resolve to D.

I don't know how you make the decision to D if its not some part out of anger or spite.

I guess I can buy that, but when anger is the main driver, I think the BS is doing himself a disservice.

The BS may be angry at the WS because she won't do the work, but I think the reason for D in that case is the unwillingness to do the work of R, not the anger.

Is it OK to D a remorseful WS? Sure, but I think the reason ought to be something like no longer seeing a good fit.

Anger for SAM isn't the WS's problem. It's his, the BS's. In order to have any sort of decent romantic relationship - either R or with a new person - he has to process his anger out of his system.

Directing all his anger at his WS and going NC with WS leaves the anger in his system. I think that's a recipe for a life that's more effed up than necessary.

I don't like the reason of no longer being a good fit. There were times in our marriage that didn't seem like a good fit. Marriages ebb and flow. My vows meant that I would work through those times.

This is different IMO. It could be that adultery is simply a deal breaker whether the WS is remorseful or not - will do anything to save the marriage or not. If that is the case then it's a deal breaker.

Anger can be constructive or destructive. Constructive anger protects from danger. It's a signal that something is wrong. Destructive anger harms. Constructive anger can be the warning to get out of a dangerous situation or harmful relationship. Destructive anger wants revenge but it can also be aimed at self.

Constructive anger can help you heal and set boundaries. A boundary can be that someone has caused such harm that they are no longer welcome in your life. Just my two bits on anger.

Or you can have a situation like I have where WH (emotional athing that went too far) becomes Disney dad in the kitchen, far more open with phone etc, but 14 months later has still not taken the object of his obsession off Facebook friends or phone, even though he isn’t commenting, messaging or in contact. He asked what the point was as they were not in contact, I struggle to understand why he can’t see how disrespectful that seems to me. It is also a subject it’s been made quite clear is somewhat off limits, the way he sees it, he’s apologised god knows how many times, it’s very old news (12 and 13 years ago, but I found the evidence 13 months ago) and I haven’t left, so it has to be rug swept. He did 4 sessions of IC and said he didn’t need anymore and was a waste as there is only so much you can say. There is no way he would read any books etc on the subject, so although I ‘do know’ he is so sorry I am upset, it feels rather that he feels the issue is just with me ‘accepting it’ and whilst my head says, ‘a bit of a one off, pretty sure he wouldn’t do it again’ my heart as I said now feels it’s slways going to be a bit of a70% marriage in future, at best. I think this is probably how SAM feels .

I'm sorry you're going through this. Just a piece of advice I read when I faced this too: D is not revenge. Is just the cutting of ties. Its only objective Should be that. If it's something else, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

Have you thought of the consequences? What your new life will look like?

I found this article very enlightening to my motives: https://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm

I was one of those where cheating was/is a dealbreaker. I told my ex that repeatedly that throughout our marriage so he very clearly knew. Guess what? He was cheating the whole time. I'm sure he got a good laugh out of that little bit of irony. I had two very hard lines in the sand: if he ever cheated on me or physically touched me in anger we would divorce. No ifs, ands, or buts. He crossed one of those lines, and he knew the consequences he risked in doing so. I simply followed through and held up my end of the well-known understanding. He betrayed me and humiliated me, repeatedly as it turns out. There was no coming back from that.

The bottom line is this. You owe NO ONE any explanation. YOU are the one that has to live with it, so only YOU need to be comfortable with it. Period. Everything else is just noise. Anger is a natural part of the process. Feel it. Find an outlet for it. As long as you don't take up residence in the feeling it is normal. I was in a white hot rage when I filed. Granted, my ex was never even remotely remorseful, but even if he had been the outcome would have been the same, as would my rage. I have no regrets, and MY feelings about it are all that matter. Had I stayed (and I did for a while for other reasons, but divorce was always going to happen) my resentment would have grown (and it did while I was still there).

For your DD, as long as you two can co-parent well, she is young enough to adjust and thrive. Better to be from a broken home than live in one.

Remember, it takes TWO people to successfully R, not just a remorseful WS. If you are not feeling like you can give it your all as the BS, then you are already setting yourself up for failure.

To thine own self be true...

he was her soulmate, and he was better in bed than you are.

She told you this. Now she wants the marriage after you exposed to the other BS and the affair ended.

Go ahead and finish the D. you do not want to go thru her cheating a second time.

She did things with him that she never did with you.

How could she love you and do these things? Has the knife twisted in the back ever going to heal?

When do you get to equal things out?

file for D. she can show you she wants after the D. It is just a piece of paper.

Why not separate? I think in the OP’s situation, he needs some space. With space and time, perhaps that would be the foundation for the best decision. I would not, after this level of betrayal, want to live with that trigger.

[This message edited by swatter555 at 4:30 PM, January 22nd (Monday)]

(((SouthAfricanMan))) neither decision is easy. I have decided to stay too, but like another poster our love life sucks and part of it is ME and I can't get over what my WS did to me to us

If it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker. Only you can answer that.

Just because she's remorseful doesn't change the fact that this is a deal breaker for you. The revered SpaceGhost had a really remorseful WW - he still chose D because infidelity was a deal breaker for him.

Does that make this shit sandwich easier to swallow? No. (See SG's updates - both sides are forever changed, and hurting).

But in the end, your WW destroyed the marriage when she chose to cheat. Your decision is whether you can/want to build a new marriage from the rubble of the first. Some people just can't. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[This message edited by WornDown at 8:48 PM, January 22nd (Monday)]

South African man-

I’m sorry you are here brother.a lot of your story resonates with me....I too had an extremely remorseful spouse, understanding what she did devastated her. She let me verbally chastise her, gave me whateve sex I wanted, including a threesome, apologized almost to a fault and essentially became a submissive servant to me. But like you, I couldn’t forgive. She tried and I do respect that. I know she loves me but I regret not pulling the plug sooner, and saving us both pain.

Has she explained to you why you weren’t worth going to the same lengths as her AP? Has she explained to you how she truly sees you as #1? How she let the affair happen? How he isn’t her soulmate anymore?

I did some things I’m not particularly proud of after dday, including sleeping with the OMs wife. That singlehandedly made me feel better than anything else she could do. But in the end I regret hurting her even though she had hurt me so terribly. My counsel to you friend, is if you know this is a deal breaker ... don’t do what I did. Pull the plug.

If you think you love her madly and can get over this with certain caveats, express them to her and see what she says. If you feel a blinding rage by the injustice, talk to her about how she can make this right. My wife gave me a threesome. I can’t say it change does my mind in the end, but it was certainly the most selfless act on her part and showed me how committed she was. That just my example but you see the idea. If you need her to sacrifice to show you she loves you, you can express your deepest frustrations and feelings of injustice to her and see where she goes with it.

Also, she ought to get some feedback from the Wayward side. It may do her some good hearing from other wayward and developing more empathy for you.

I wish you well friend

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:34 PM, January 22nd (Monday)]