SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe the place to start is asking yourself why it's bugging you that you hate the AP?

I think what's bugging me is not that I have hate toward the OW but that I am in R with the person in the other half of the affair. They are both equally guilty POS. He was just as willing as she was...but he had a much greater part, I was something more to him than a fuc* in the back seat of my car. It's knowing this was his decision and I was nothing. And knowing all this, I am trying to R with him...very hard for me.

[This message edited by HurtDec at 4:29 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

They are both equally guilty POS

This may be true in the abstract, but your husband was the one who betrayed you. The other woman was simply the hose-bag he used but, really, it could have been anyone. Your WH is the person who swore an oath to you and it's him you should focus your emotional energy on...

I hate the AP. She knew he was married. She was married.

SHE KNEW BETTER.

Shes the type of woman that keeps women down. She does not lift other women up. I could go on but bah...

WH did not get any HB. He did not get open arms from me. No hall pass either. I’m still struggling.

I’m struggling with the two people he turned out to be. Is he the man he is now, after this shitshow went down? The man i know he can be? Or is he that selfish and abusive bastard that treated me like dog dirt on his shoe while he was having his secret life? The man who hated me for 2 years to justify his choices?

Who is this person? Because most days i hate that second person.

My WH gets plenty of hate from me. Our daughters think he’s an asshole but they still love him.

So that dipshit created the conflict in the 3 people he states he loves the most, conflict that we will all deal with for the rest of our lives.

I don’t love him for that. I hate him for that.

WH did not get a hall pass - he has worked his ass off to deal with his issues - to prove to me he can be trusted - he knows he made the worse choice of his life - he has apologized repeatedly - gone to IC - admitted he was a broken person and has put his heart and soul into becoming a better man. He knew I wasn't fully committed to R and it would take a huge amount of work on his part to convince me R was the right choice.

OW knew he was married - she knew our son (use to work with him ) - she tried to justify to me why it was ok to fuck my H. She has absolutely no remorse for her part in the A - when he broke it off with her she was pissed that he wanted to try and rebuild his family. I don't hate her - I pity her and the broken human being that she is.

Yea - she didn't make any vows to me - but what the hell has happened to basic human decency? What about the unspoken vows we owe to each other as human beings to treat other with dignity and respect.

I don't hate her - I just can't believe how someone can devastate innocent people and have absolutely no remorse.

such a simple question gets a simple answer

78% of marriages survive an affair

that means a lot of BS's are motivated to forgive

the ws

there is no motivation to forgive the ap and

never will be because the BS never needs to forgive

the ap for any reason

I feel it's pretty simple in assigning blame.

If AP cheated with someone else? We feel zero.

If WS cheated with someone else? We feel 100% devastation.

So, there ya go. The WS crushes us.

But honestly, it's understandable to hate AP. They are interfering, possibly mate poaching. From everything I have read, it is hate born of jealousy.

Definition of jealousy:

mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims

I once read: envy is 'I want to be you.'

And jealousy is 'You are a threat to what I have.'

Forgetting about AP--unless he/she is a former friend or bunny boiler--is the healthiest thing possible. Deal honestly and directly with the one who crushed you, and you will be fine. APs are nobodies. Fix or don't fix things with your WS and forget the others.

nm

[This message edited by Lazarus at 8:45 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

Since my H pursued her and worked his butt off to drag her into a relationship I don’t hate her.

I feel bad for her as a person that she allowed herself to be dragged into a relationship b/c my H lied to her too.

She knew he was married. I get that. I don’t discount she should have said no and meant it.

But I put it all on him 💯%.

There is plenty of hate and blame to go around after dday. I can remember hating the whole world--and I had a long list of my reasons why. I just simply hated that there could be so much misery, and my hate went anywhere and everywhere. It's normal.

In my situation, I’d have to borrow chamomile’s beautiful prose:

There's NOTHING fair about infidelity. It doesn't matter that I hate the OWs but I don't hate my fWH. The scales don't have to balance with them because I'm not in relationship with them. I choose to be in relationship with my fWH, so that's the scale which matters. The OWs can go get their own fucking scale.. or burn in hell, whichever suits them. I don't care.

And combine it with OIN’s insightful addition:

But honestly, it's understandable to hate AP. They are interfering, possibly mate poaching. From everything I have read, it is hate born of jealousy.

Definition of jealousy:

mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims

I once read: envy is 'I want to be you.'

And jealousy is 'You are a threat to what I have.'

Both of those statements ring true - i hate her because she threatened my life, my stability, my reality and was a threat to what I had - and i don’t give a shit who doesn't like it. If it helps another feel good about themselves to judge me for it, then its good all around!

With you on that sassy. Though I require payback at some time in the future. A dish best served cold.

As I said earlier, WW IS more to blame (even though he is apparently a serial cheater, harasser and likely sociopath according to her female coworkers and one at his former law firm). However, she is also the mother of my child and was (is?) the love of my life for a couple decades. We've been together for almost half our lives and most of the best parts of my life. Ultimately, why would I not villainize the OM, half of that is probably redirected from the mother of my child, but I definitely still want to beat him within an inch of his life in front of his family and then urinate on him. I suppose that makes me a sociopath too... well actually just a run of the mill psychopath... but hey, next hour I'll want to save the world.

What is happening is a transfer of anger to the Om and he becomes the villain.

Problem is that you can not forgive someone who did nothing wrong. The WW also will not change behavior as it was not their fault.

True remorse will not happen as they too are a victim and you should have protected them from evil Om.

I do not see this as healthy in the long run and expect the marriage to fail. This is a form of rugsweping or denial.

You have to deal with the true problems and you are letting the problem off the hook

What is happening is a transfer of anger to the Om and he becomes the villain.

Problem is that you can not forgive someone who did nothing wrong. The WW also will not change behavior as it was not their fault.

True remorse will not happen as they too are a victim and you should have protected them from evil Om.

THIS.

I put 100% of the blame on my husband's shoulders. The AP doesn't matter to me anymore. She sucks and was a shitty friend but she is out of my life and I won't waste another second of my precious life giving her any emotion. They both did fucked up shit and I hate that they did it but I am completely unconcerned with her. My WS did not get a drop of HB. No hall pass, no open arms. He had to fight for the opportunity of R. He only got that opportunity because I saw enough work in the first 7 months that I felt comfortable giving it a shot. The marriage continues only because his changes have remained in place. Because I see him struggling and working to be a better person, my anger is subsiding even though I still blame him 100% for making the AP's shitty morals MY problem. She could have been the Hitler of marriages and it would not have impacted my marriage if he hadn't invited her into it. So yep, that is on him.

Why do we villainize the AP and accept WS back?

Five years later, My H has and continues to put in the necessary work to apologize & show remorse, be a safe partner and overall good person... on the other hand, the two APs are still going through life being assholes that show no concern/respect for other people. My husband didn’t get a hall pass. He suffered harsh consequences & had to consistently put in work to fix what he broke for 3 years before the gift of R was even considered to be given to him. There was no welcoming him back with open arms or hysterical bonding. He faced intense rage and fully accepted responsibility for his actions. We are what we do. If you’re portraying yourself in an unflattering/villainous light, you CANNOT get pissed when people see you as just that.

We hold this hate for the the OW/OM but R with the person who truly broke our heart. Having a hard time with this again today, not seeing anything good about this man I call my husband. So when we post hateful words or have a hateful encounter with the OW/OM, we need to stop and think there is another person who did this personally to us...should that not be where it's focused?

It's not a contest though. Both of these people injured you, each in their own way. Like I said earlier, it's "apples and oranges". They're both fruit, but each can be defined as a separate species.

Your feelings about the OW are okay. I don't care what messages you're receiving from society, psychological outlets, or religious platforms. Your feelings are okay. They serve their purpose and then, if you allow them, they move on. The more you fight against them, the stickier the web becomes.

Sister Milkshake said it best (like she always does )...

We do not have to justify "how" and "why" we feel as we do about AP's. Ain't fair? Big fuckin' deal. Life ain't fair, and infidelity isn't fair. Someone doesn't "get it" why we hate AP's and not our remorseful WS's? So the fuck what, that is their row to hoe, not mine.

It doesn't matter what other people think. It matters that your feelings are internally validated, so you're not sitting around chewing holes in yourself with self-criticism.

There's no either/or situation here. No action by either the WS or the AP mitigates the sins of the other. You deal with the apple and you deal with the orange however YOU feel is appropriate. You don't have to accept a cheater back into your life. No amount of tears or remorse puts you in their debt or requires you to give them another chance. You decide what's good enough for you. Your WS broke the covenant. You don't owe him the life you once promised. This is an entirely separate issue from the injury done to you be the OW.

Your anger towards your WH is VALID. Your anger towards the OW is also VALID. Feelings are just feelings. You get to decide whether you act on them or not in accordance to whatever your goals are. But when you stuff them, you're essentially telling yourself that what you're feeling is wrong and that you're a bad person for feeling that way. IOW, you're not validating yourself emotionally. And when everything else has gone to hell in a handbasket, you need at least one adult person in your life you can trust. That person needs to be YOU. So, you can't have your one trustworthy person sitting as an armchair critic telling you you're not good enough.

Hopefully, that makes sense this morning. Haven't had enough coffee yet. Bottom line, hang in there. Separate these two issues in your mind and then decide what's actionable from there. Remember that you're your own best friend, so don't be hard on yourself.

((hugs))

According to many thinkers, our relationships are based to some extent or another on emotional bank accounts. Basically, when someone does something for you that is good, they make deposits in their account with you, when they screw up, they make withdraws.

When your spouse has an A, they clearly empty any account they had with you, and go into deficit. Depending on how "bad" the A was, they are at least overdrawn, or really in debt. Remorse, doing the work, continued NC, and many other ways, some (78%) can find a way back to solvency with you.

The AP, on the other hand, was like a bank robber. For most of us, that person never even had an account at our bank, so when they came into the vault and took our most precious possession (our safety with our spouse, our piece of mind, etc.) It's not like a depositor getting overdrawn, it is a theft, and many of us want to even the scales of justice. The problem is, there is no mechanism to even the scales of justice. We do not have a relationship with that person to rebuild, nor do we want one. So there is a debt there that will not be repaid. That is the source of the anger.

Until we decide that debt will never be repaid, and write off the debt, many will remain stuck in a cycle of wanting to even the scales, and not being able to attain that. In that way we allow that person to continue to steal from us while we hold that anger.

It is better to recognize that the AP will never make you whole, and just walk away from the debt.

In the end, that person, the AP, really never gets away with it, everything bears consequences. When we walk away from the debt, we take the energy and mental effort that we have used being angry and point that energy back at doing good things in our lives. Being a better parent or friend, being a better person, getting fit, whatever it is. When we keep our hands on the APs neck, we allow them to continue to steal from our lives. I refused to do that. Living well was my best revenge.

I hope that make sense.

Their are all types of AP's. In my case, COW was very aggressive...very mean girl...she did go after my H...and he went after her...

I had never met her...never heard of her...the first time we met, She tried to kiss my H 3 times, with me beside him...big inviting kisses...her tongue was out before she got close...she called him, texted him, dressed for him, invited herself in his truck...etc....this I know..this I saw...this I read..

and she verbally attacked me...laughed out loud at me...had her posse of mean girls, all point and whisper towards me, I had no idea why she hated me.. this was who she was..she was competing in a high school sort of way...H and I were 50... There was definitely a personal attack especially for me...I chose to deal with that.

So I put the marriage on hold, the fighting on hold, the investigating went full speed ahead, and I was getting her out of my world first thing...or nothing could happen....

H had his turn...the fighting started...the million questions...etc...later. First things first. I was not accepting...of either of them.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:15 AM, March 1st (Thursday)]

The AP, on the other hand, was like a bank robber. For most of us, that person never even had an account at our bank, so when they came into the vault and took our most precious possession (our safety with our spouse, our piece of mind, etc.)

I look at it differently. The WS willing gave away that which wasn't theirs to give. The AP is certainly not blameless, but my WH invited her in and gave her access.

northeasternareato some extent that is correct, when it comes to the marriage. But what I am talking about is your emotional bank.

In the "relationship bank" the AP was the outside thief and the WS was the insider that gave away the secrets and helped with the theft.

northeasternareato some extent that is correct, when it comes to the marriage. But what I am talking about is your emotional bank.

In the "relationship bank" the AP was the outside thief and the WS was the insider that gave away the secrets and helped with the theft.

We can agree to disagree. I see it as the AP receiving stolen property.