SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He has shut her down completely at this point, and they have finally blocked all their phone numbers and social media now to preserve the NC requests.

I know of no story on here ever where the BS relies upon the OM to be the one that enforces NC. This is not going to work while he is still in your life and while she still wants to reach out to him. You said that early on you were ready to file and didn't pull the trigger. That was probably your first mistake. You should have done it and then perhaps your WW would take this as seriously as she should. It is not too late though. I'd do it now. Let her know how serious of a violation this is to not actually have NC with the POS. It will take some time and maybe you will still Reconcile but you admit yourself you are in a False R now. File.

I come out ahead in a D situation no matter what happens, and she also knows this, she had consulted with her attorney long before even the separation.

GMinor23

I would have sent recordings to both his ex's, his mother, his daughter, everyone in his life deserves to know what kind of person he is. I also have much more extreme ways of punishing him.

GMinor23

Your wife still cares about the OM. You appear to have him by the balls. Use that as leverage. Don’t expose him for now. Get great divorce terms. If you decide to R you can live with her unmarried.

You are still very very early on the infidelity timeline. That being said, your feelings and emotions will continue to bat you about for many weeks.

The loss of your two most crucial resources of support, puts you in a hellish predicament. That they conspired against you - well that is like torture.

My suggestion, at this point, is to not promise either offending party a shot at reconciliation. This is certain, you will feel very different about everything a couple months from today. Right now there is just an urgency to get your normal life back. We all understand that frantic time and the mental gymnastics we were willing to do to feel in control again.

Unfortunately, you have just started a very very very long and difficult journey.

Shift your focus to your own clarity and healing. It will take gargantuan effort as (I can tell) you are accustomed to taking care of others first. The only way you can truly determine what is best for you is to have the time to sort it all out. And of course, this clarity will also be best for your children.

I would have done anything to reconcile - until my emotional dust had settled and I was far enough removed to realize that infidelity was a dealbreaker. Give yourself time and space to find some peace.

Alright, initiating full NC with BF.

Hard to argue against the overwhelming majority of advice, especially as I cannot possibly appreciate the long term scope of what I am dealing with here. I defer to the wisdom of the group, as most of you do have that perspective.

My fears...

-if his desire for R with me is the only thing keeping him from continuing to pursue the A, now he has nothing to lose.

-stopping BF communication with me about WS attempts to break NC with him. (Possible this is happening anyways, burner phones and what not)

-I do not have any other advocates right now, except, well, here. I do have supportive family, they know of the A, but are not supportive of R w WS. All of the rest of my friend group is tied up with this asshole.

if his desire for R with me is the only thing keeping him from continuing to pursue the A, now he has nothing to lose.

If that is all that's holding your marriage together you don't have one anyway if your wife chooses him.

You are not in R and never will be unless your wayward wife stops all contact with her affair partner permanently.

Inappropriate response

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:29 AM, October 28th (Sunday)]

GMinor, with all due respect, HE didn't take vows with you.

Your wife did.

His potential pursual should not be a factor.

It's your wife's responsibility to shut that shit down if he tries to pursue her further.

If she is incapable, then I would strongly advise reconsidering your marriage.

GM said this:

if his desire for R with me is the only thing keeping him from continuing to pursue the A, now he has nothing to lose.

You're kidding yourself GM and you're over thinking this. Chances are no matter how you now treated your 'BF' he is going to continue to pursue your wife and wreck any chance of your R with her. The guy has chosen to be your enemy, treat him as such.

Let me remind you, you wrote this:

Hours and hours and hours of calls. Listened to them all. There is absolutely nothing like hearing the love of your life extoll the sexual virtues of your best friend. Mocking my futile efforts in reconciliation during the separation. All of the carefully planned lies, coordinated meetings, all so orchestrated. His subtle twisting of my words. And worst, her declaration of love to him, which he brutally rejected.

GM - get some new friends. With respect, you have some strange, twisted thinking going on being so quick to forgive this guy.

-if his desire for R with me is the only thing keeping him from continuing to pursue the A, now he has nothing to lose.

If your WW really wants to R it wouldn't matter how many OMs (including your "friend") tried to pursue her, all she would have to say is NO, if the only thing keeping your WW from continuing her A (chances are it went underground) with OM is well OM, then you don't have a M, and if that's the case that's all you need to know to file for D and don't look back, remember your WW didn't accidentally tripped and fell into OM's penis, she willingly spread her legs and enjoyed it, she's the one that vowed to be faithful to you, she's the one who married you, not your "friend" or anybody else.

Gminor,

the twisted shit sandwich our significant others try to feed us is unbelievable sometimes.

As others have pointed out , if all that is keeping your WW from cheating is opportunity you really dont have much of a marriage. That was one I had to battle for a while. If I wouldnt have dont this, or if I had been there for that , yada , yada. Nope , thats why we set up boundries in marriage to begin with. Forsaking all others is a vow most of us take. I have not cheated because of a lack of opportunity, but because I set up boundries in my marriage that I wont cross. Your WW didnt have those boundries set . Thats why your ex pretend friend was able to get to her.

Now him posing as your friend is equally as despicable . While he did not take vows to you , he betrayed a confidence that no true friend would ever do. Not only was he not your friend , a friend of the marriage , but he was pretending to be and ended up using the intel you shared in confidence for an opportunity to screw your wife. Thats why we call these type of things "double betrayals". IMO, something like that should never get a second chance , ever. Its bad enough wondering if your wife will ever cheat again , but wondering if your "friend" will ever use you like that again is too much IMO.

Back to your wife, it takes a special kind of cheater to cheat with your supposed best friend and all that that means. She knew that not only would cheating hurt you , but cheating with someone you called a friend carries a special level of disrespect and selfishness. Throw in the fact that she continually breaks NC . She isnt interested in R, but avoiding consequences from her actions. Mainly coming out on the wrong side of the divorce. If things were reversed would she be as open to R?

My fears...

-if his desire for R with me is the only thing keeping him from continuing to pursue the A, now he has nothing to lose.

-stopping BF communication with me about WS attempts to break NC with him. (Possible this is happening anyways, burner phones and what not)

-I do not have any other advocates right now, except, well, here. I do have supportive family, they know of the A, but are not supportive of R w WS. All of the rest of my friend group is tied up with this asshole.

If you boil your list of fears down into one.. it sure looks like you're afraid of ending up alone. Rationally, you know that's not going to happen. You still have your children and you still have your extended family. You can make new friends and even, someday, enjoy a healthy romantic relationship again. Your fears are centered around this singular moment of pain, frozen in time, and not allowing for the future to unfold.

Wife and I (15 years, both @40, two kids, 14 and 11) have had a pretty rough go from the beginning. She found out she was pregnant about fourth months after we met, and we have been slugging it out ever since. Our default setting is crisis management, largely due to events outside of our control - deaths of friends and family, serious illness, financial difficulties, addicted family members, you name it. We were the indestructible couple.

The long term incarceration of her brother a few years ago was a huge turning point in our lives. Her whole family relied on her, emotionally and practically. Her parents had gone through a brutal divorce when she was about my Daughters age, and are fundamentally selfish people. She was a parentified child to her two younger brothers from a very early age. Losing her brother for the majority of her life impacted her almost like losing a son.

I think you're clearly worried about your daughters and about what the future brings for them, because as you'll note above, you've given you WW quite a bit of sympathy regarding her parents divorce and the difficulty it imposed on her. But... lots of people suffer similar life events without becoming cheaters and liars. My own circumstances weren't much different, but it was my WH who cheated, and his childhood was very stable and structured. Your daughters' futures are as yet unwritten, regardless as to whether you reconcile with their mother.

Now, despite the outrage you've experienced here on your behalf, people have reconciled from worse. But (and this is a big "but")... it has to be on YOUR terms. Nothing else will work over the long haul. You have to set the parameters on what's acceptable to you going forward, and I don't think that anything less than putting this so-called friend completely out of your life will do. You haven't gotten to the anger stage of grief yet, and you're not likely to be tolerant of him when that happens.

As far as your WW is concerned, a half-assed effort on her part won't cut it. Right now, it seems like every little bit of progress counts, but really... every little bit of damage counts more. Remember, you haven't truly hit the anger stage yet, and your entire relationship per your initial post was already "a rough go". She can't afford to be anything less than completely committed to R. If she's not... the damage continues to mount. There does come a point at which it's insurmountable.

Your daughters have YOU, and you're not your WW's selfish parents. You can be as good a dad (or as poor) as YOU choose, with or without your WW. Your life can be as full and meaningful (or not) as YOU choose, with or without your WW. No one can take your autonomy from you. Believe me, we ALL understand the hurt, the self-doubt, and the panic. We've all been there. But you can do this. You can stand up for what's right for you and your children and you WILL be okay. Your WW will either get on board or not, but like you.. her autonomy is her own. It's her choice.

Strength to you.

I hear you. But I would suggest if you fear anything fear remaining in infidelity. Fear being in a love triangle with people who were suppose to be there for you. I will also suggest have no fear. Be angry. Angry that you are in this situation. Angry for being betrayed. Remove that POS out of your life forever.

Tell your wife you are prepared to divorce and mean it. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage then she must go NC for her. Any attempt to break contact...divorce. She must be transparent with all things: media sites, emails, IMs, everything. Never delete. She must regain trust. She must go to IC. She must tell you everything. Be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 1:00 PM, October 27th (Saturday)]

Not sure how to deal with a few things (understatement of the year)

Electronic devices transparency -

Due to the nature of her work, it would be illegal for me to access her devices, because of confidential client information. She knows this, and hides behind it, uses her work devices when she breaches NC. I don't know of a workaround that doesn't carry serious risks to myself, especially if this escalates into a D.

Separation -

We have discussed getting an apartment and alternating time with the kids at the house. Due to her actions in the previous separation, I am assuming I am playing right into her hand here to facilitate the A. But I also think it might be very beneficial to get the fuck away from her, I'm torn.

HB - since the beginning of the R attempt with her, this has been frantic, oscillating all or nothing. (Great week, dead week, repeat) Is this dangerous to me? Is it beneficial or detrimental to this R attempt?

We have discussed getting an apartment and alternating time with the kids at the house. Due to her actions in the previous separation, I am assuming I am playing right into her hand here to facilitate the A. But I also think it might be very beneficial to

Separation is normally a prelude to divorce or to gain space to make more time for her other man.

If you are going to try R separation at this time would work against it.

Due to the nature of her work, it would be illegal for me to access her devices, because of confidential client information. She knows this, and hides behind it, uses her work devices when she breaches NC. I don't know of a workaround that doesn't carry serious risks to myself, especially if this escalates into a D.

This one is handled by informing HR at WW's work that work supplied devices are being used in a way that constitutes a security risk. HR will investigate and ream her ass.

Obviously there are potential downsides at WW's work. On the whole exposure generally helps stop the A in its tracks. Exposure really can work for you.

HB is common, and in itself is nothing to worry about (enjoy' it will not last forever) The on off nature is troublesome; it probably indicates a WW still very much in the A mindset.

The best way to knock WW off the fence and into real R is to file D, expose to her parents, pastor, anyone whose opinion she values and implement the hard 180. Hanging around in fake R will be very detrimental to you.

Stay Strong.

Inform those important to her: parents, siblings, friends, family members who have influence on her. Do the same to POSOM. Tell his parents, friends, family. If he has a girlfriend, tell her too. Definitely tell her.

HB is awesome if there's no risk of an STD.

Have you both been tested?

Depending on whether of not you're in a fault state, HB can potentially affect settlement in divorce. Many courts view the reestablishment of a sexual relationship as tacit forgiveness, which takes adultery off the table. Failure to separate within a limited time frame could likewise be problematic. If this is a concern, see an attorney. In some states, a cheater can't get alimony when successfully sued on grounds of adultery.

After reading further and thinking about it, if it were me gm, I'd divorce her and keep my life-long friend. She's really not worth your time and effort. If it wasn't him it would've been somebody else. She's not trustworthy, period. Get rid of her and you get rid of the drama, pain, and destruction she carries everywhere she goes. Is it really worth wasting any more of your life with someone who obviously doesn't respect you, her kids, and the marriage? I recommend you divorce her asap and live life happy and free again; you'll thank yourself later.

I'd divorce her and keep my life-long friend

I disagree with Dismayed2012 about keeping your "life long friend", I agree that if it has not been him it could have been with someone else but regardless of that, a true friend respects his buddy's wife, he should have rejected her and tell you, that's why he really was NOT your friend, he could have stopped at any time but didn't, so no get rid of both of them.