SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ashb

My H too came home and admitted it. But it did not stop the speedway he was on and how fast it went to “I want a D”. It was days.

We reconciled (by the grace of God) because he changed. Huge difference. He was remorseful. He realized the damage he caused. He is horrified at the things he said and did.

Typical mid life crisis Affair. Not an excuse but an understanding of his behavior in some way.

So many of us get a second chance and the Cheating Spouse is wiling to do all they can to make amends. We are the lucky ones.

This thread should be called “what ridiculous excuse did they give you for Cheating ” IMO

I read an article recently regarding ages of people committing adultery. I don't remember the source or the study being reported, sample size, etc. There was some talk about certain vulnerable times in a marriage - 7 year itch and the like. What it boiled down to was the age of adultery followed a standard bell curve for both sexes but the average age for females was 45 and males 55.

VERY interesting.

I was told:

The marriage wasn't good.

Didn't feel appreciated.

I was depressed, and I needed to connect to someone.

I did not want to have an A so WS decided to go to a prostitute. Spent 5 years with the prostitute/soul mate/ best friend.

Why did he keep cheating? Didn't want to hurt the kids. She threatened to out him, so he kept going back to protect the family

Why did he go back to her after DDay. She cried, he felt sorry for her. They kissed. It just happened.

Real reason. Pure selfishness.

Everything under the sun.

The first question I asked her when she finally showed up to the house, after I caught her over the phone out with the AP, was "Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy before throwing away 12 years together and our marriage?" She said, "You're hard to talk to". I'm really not, especially about serious issues. I knew immediately that she was a coward.

To be honest, I didn't press her with the most important questions at the time of her Blame-shifting Extravaganza, the day after DDay when she only came over to pick up some stuff but definitely did not come over to give me answers or even really talk about the affair that I just outed the day before. Honestly I was afraid of the answers. I was afraid to hear her say what she did with the guy (who she never identified, I had to stumble upon his identity myself, months later by complete accident) and I was even more afraid of her throwing out my *actual* deficiencies that I have always been aware of. Instead I got bullshit bullshit bullshit--the usual script. Having the love of my life trump up a bunch of charges against me to explain away her betrayal didn't seem like it would feel as devastating as her actually pointing out whatever the real reasons were. I regret not digging deeper when I had the chance.

I asked her if she had feelings for this guy and I got a 9-months pregnant pause. That was the toughest question I asked and a very hard answer to take in.

In the days that followed, I didn't ask and she didn't tell. I knew that whatever she would say would be lies anyway, and she was already TT'ing me when I confronted her with a few things I found out in the immediate aftermath. I wasn't looking to play that game, so I didn't bother probing. But I'm glad I found out who the guy was, that gave me some semblance of closure.

He turned everything around and all of a sudden I was the one who was cheating...WTF? Then it was all about how awful I was in the relationship (i.e. not supportive, refusing sex, etc.) and my shortcomings. I handled it all wrong.

Same here. Oh, and I squeezed the toothpaste tube "wrong", too.

I was to blame for everything, I still am to this day.

-We both weren't happy(news to me)

-I thought she was a lazy no good W who didn't contribute to the household(I didn't think that, maybe she did)

-Our sex life sucked(It didn't)

-I never meant to hurt your feelings, I was trying to spare them(Oh boy did you)

-I was just so mean all the time(I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet)

-I ignored the signs of a failed marriage(only after Dday was this expressed, our marriage was solid until she stepped outside of it)

-We never did anything as a family(good old facebook memories pop up all the time to remind me of all the stuff we did)

-We weren't a family unit(I'm sure the kids would love that one!)

-I smoked one cigarette at a wedding(I did! The cig that killed the marriage)

-I was an asshole for going through her private emails(I did look when I was on marriage police, asshole no)

Oh man so many more it's laughable now! Now she says there was no affair and everyone came to the wrong conclusion. You can't make this stuff up. My WW cheated and had all the "Fun" and I'm the asshole now and for years to come. Apparently everyone knows except her! My D should be finalized next month! The pain is still there but I look at how bad it was last year and I know I can get through it! I know it was her but it still hurts to here all the crap come out of her, grasping straws to project her actions onto me. Whatever, have a nice life cheater wife!!

The list of grievances against me are funny! After 17 years together, you have a lot to pick from! It's amazing how all cheaters are the same, read from the same playbook. This site helped me understand so much about who my WW really is. No remorse.

"The cig that killed the marriage" haha

It really is amazing how similar everyone's cheater acts and rationalizes shitty behavior. This site helped me understand just how not alone I am, during the loneliest period of my entire life.

AbandonedGuy, it really helped me when my head was spinning and trying to figure everything out. I see through her bullshit a mile away now. Still hurts but gotta keep pushing forward. So many similar stories. I've accepted that I truly will never know the when and wheres and whys of it. The why is because it's her, not me.

Reading these posts reminded me that in the very early days post DDay1, before I knew there were 2 PAs for me yet to discover, my WH went to work one day with his jacket zipped all the way up, as I had scratched the sh#t out of him when he was starting to reveal his double life that I was completely unaware of. His PA2/COW saw the scratches (he must have been "saying goodbye" to her ) and she said to him, "I guess your wife cares after all".

You just can't make up this stuff!

One of my top funniest reasons

A BW got ( you never made a cup of tea in the morning)

A BH ( you didn't buy me flawors in mother's Day)

She doesn't know why she tried to spare my feelings, because I stopped caring about hers years ago. I'm all like, I did. Hmmm here I thought I loved the woman I married with all my heart. Oh how miserable she must have been all those unloving years when it seemed like life was perfectly fine, oh that's right only once Mr Wonderful was discovered did all my flaws and unlovingness come out! Haha

"It was because of you. I did it because of you!"

These were verbatim, the first words to vomit from her mouth when I confronted her with red-handed evidence.

She then proceeded to use every single cliche, tired-old, standard wayward lying POS excuse in the adulterer's manual.

D-day was back in 2012, we have been divorced for five and a half years, and she still clings to the same old immature blameshifting.

She will never take resposibility because that means she has to admit that she has major problems - and that is completely contrary to the sweetheart princess image she works so hard to keep up for her toxic social circle.

Time has long passed that I care who she blames.

She is condemned to wage that inner conflict for the rest of her life.

I sincerely pity her new husband.

Hoebag OW messaged my husband the day I found out and said

“Your wife cares about you deeply. Don’t fuck it up again.”

That was the last thing she messaged him.

I told her she could keep him, I would pay for the flight back but keep in mind I’m taking him for everything in court including alimony. She said no she didn’t want him, just his money. Bitch we don’t have any money. 😒

Sometimes I wonder if WS do this shit just to rock the boat, being bored, just wanting to cause drama. IDK.

"You were on the computer all the time" (I was - picking out tomb stones for our 14 year old daughter and filling out FAFSA forms for college for two other children.) "You were drinking" (yes I was having a glass of wine almost nightly- so you have an affair with a barfly) "I thought you didn't love me anymore" (right - that's why I was planning a 25th anniversary party for us in between cooking, doing your laundry and plucking the f*cking hairs out of your ears) ... the excuses changed daily - I think he mixed up some of his reasons with the bullshit he fed MCOW.

Ooof. This is one of those that I feel is textbook (as others have said). Something is broken in them. Something that makes them think cheating is an option. MY ExWH accused me numerous times of cheating. Said he did because he assumed I was too. Because, when you have two kids with special needs and are too tired for sex after being a SAHM with a husband who gets up at the crack of dawn and doesn't come home until after they're asleep? Yeah, that's why I didn't want to have sex and was tired - I was doing it with someone else in my "free time".

Its just so absurd. And I will never get over how many of the stories here are exactly the same. It's almost crazy. But it's not, its not that it's crazy - just the truth that they all operate the same way and have some serious FOO issues.

He took ld me he liked knowing that there was someone happy to see him.

Nothing like blameshifting.

#1 You were consumed with work, were always stressed out and did not pay enough attention to me. (Likely true. However I was under so much pressure at work that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and she was well aware of this. Thanks for the support, lol)

So....

#2 He made me feel sexy and desired and I went for it (literally hooked up with him 1 hour after meeting him, she was the pursuer thereafter)

#3. I kept it up because I became addicted to the the excitement, attention and the ego boost of having a much younger guy interested in me.

#4. In a weird way I was in competition with my friends (other WW from the same “girl’s trip” who also cheated on this trip and kept in contact with their POS AP)

I got "I knew you loved me but didn't think you were in love with me..."

So besides talking to me about this he let a little sales girl whore worm her way in (and yes, he LET her so blame more on him).

BUT she understood his industry, understood him...etc

Yet she was married with two young children. We had three children.

Bottom line: It was a game. A fake, lying game. They ate up each others lies but still played happy family at home.

Thrill, easy, no ties..= the why