SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She was looking for a traveling job with OMs company and making plans to meet up soon.

That's one hell of a slip up.

Don't believe a word she says. You are her Plan B. The husband who stays at home and takes care of the kids and funds the ATM while she travels around meeting up with her AP whenever possible.

What you allow to exist is what will continue to happen...and you know it.

How many times do you have to be shown reality before you accept that it is real?

You are on the right track. She will try to pull you back in.

If you allow her to do that, you know how it ends.

You dont need poems. Tell her you need to see actions.

Number 1 is proof of NC with the POSOM.

Number 2 is transparency of all devices. That means you may even want to get a cheap 2nd phone or tablet and have it replicate everything on her phone.

Number 3 is the name of her new therapist that specializes in Infidelity. Ask her when her first session is.

Number 4 is a polygraph to prove that you know everything g and there is not more.

Tell her that’s just the start before you will even consider trying to work on reconciliation. In the meantime let her know you will be working with an attorney to understand what divorce looks like and that at the very least there will be a requirement for a postnup agreement if you are ever going to stay in the marriage.

That’s just my advice. Sounds like you have your head screwed on straight so take what you need from our posts and put together your plan moving forward.

Let her know that you need to see actions to back up her words or you assume that she is not interested in saving the marriage.

Good luck.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^.

From someone who has successfully reconciled after his second Affair and false reconciliation and DDay2 - your best strategy is to say nothing.

Saying nothing doesn’t telegraph anything.

It makes her figure it out on her own.

Forcing her to stand on her own will allow you to see if she is truly committed to reconciliation.

It also allows you to move forward with what you think is best.

I had every intention of divorcing my H. I told him as much. My exact words were “I’m sorry but I have no other choice.”

But in three months he worked hard to get me to reconsider. And I did. At six months I saw a possibility of R.

But I offered him no help or support. I told him I would not. He was on his own. And I had the mediator lined up and plan B was executed.

You don’t know the outcome here but play it close to the vest at all times.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:36 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

Your WW is a SERIAL cheater, how many Ddays is it going to take for you to take decisive action and don't allow her to manipulate you, she's blown every chance you've given her, she knows she can just play her game and you will bend over backwards to find a reason to stay, it should be the other way around, file for D and have her served, let her figure out how to stop the D train , life's too short, don't wait anymore time with this serial cheater, every time you seem "distant" her reaction is to cheat on you. Take control, file and have her served without warning, if by some miracle she shows true remorse, offers full on demand access to ALL her electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, signs a postnup in your favor and commits to IC, may be then should you consider stopping the D process and offer her R, or NOT !!! either way you get out of infidelity.

We had a discussion last night, and I could see all the classic tools of manipulation that everyone mentioned. I stayed with the line. This is not going to work, I am not willing to do this again, and I just need space and time to decide how to proceed. It felt like your advice helped keep me strong. Yesterday, she asked to hold my hand and today she asked me to kiss me goodbye. I said no and she has the nerve to get offended. Today, I get the apology poem begging for me back. She is definitely pulling out the full arsenal, but I am just trying to stay calm and direct and now silent until I know my exact next steps.

It is indeed manipulation. I would say you have not yet seen the real her... the real person behind the façade. You will when you serve her the D petition. I predict it will be ugly.

It felt like your advice helped keep me strong

It is one step at a time. Don't be surprised if you slip at some point and just be prepared to pick yourself back up. It can be hard to break old patterns. That being said, you are doing well so far -- you are seeing more clearly and you are not allowing yourself to get pulled back in.

One additional resource that you might find helpful is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which details some of the dynamics that should sound familiar, why they don't work and some things to change. It is available in book form or, I believe, online as a PDF.

I stayed with a serial cheater for 10 years. I have yet to see a serial cheater that has changed. I doubt your going to see that in her. What buster said really is the truth. Each time you learn she is cheating on you only causes you pain. She is doing what she wants to fulfill her needs not yours. If she really wanted to change cheating a second time would have never happened. The sooner you walk away from her the better off you will be. Don't waste your life on someone that only wants you there as Plan B.

Skyrun, as painful as it will be to divorce, if you do not . . . . think of the future pain when your wife continues to cheat on you.

Best of luck, and hang in there.

skyrun11,

You have chosen to take the D path, which is a perfectly fine way to get out of infidelity. Some suggestions:

- talk to a lawyer

- open a separate bank account and take 1/2 the money of your joint account.

- seek support from friends and family

- detach. There’s no need to talk to her except for the children

- at a minimum, stay in a separate room, or better have her move out (or move out if your lawyer says it’s ok)

- get tested for STDs, no more intimacy with her

- get an appointment with your doctor, you may need sleeping aid etc...

- oh, and detach, just in case you missed it on point 4 :) None of what she is saying matters anymore. By detaching, it will slowly get better day by day

Do you think there is any possibility that she would file false DV complains?

In the long term, you’ll be just fine

Thank you for the encouragement and helping me to realize that I have done quite a bit and it has been less than a week and much gratitude for following this saga. My intuitive daughter figured out yesterday when she asked me if it was another man and I teared up. We also told my daughter’s counselor yesterday who has also worked with our family. He talked to us for a bit and wants to talk to us this weekend. I think he also sees through her and just wants to help us work through how to best help our daughter through this since she was already struggling before. I think she sees it as hope. I also insisted we tell our kids last night, and they held nothing back from her. Their immediate reaction was its divorce time. It was good to sit back and hear this conversation because she tried to use her manipulation on them as well and they saw through it each time. My kids are very supportive of me and have no sympathy left for her. I told them my first priority is doing what is best for me because ultimately that is what will be best for them.

So, now I am going quiet. Some of you suggested fairly elaborate plans for potential reconciliation, and I don’t want to live that way anymore-feeling like I need to check and investigate. Tomorrow, I have both IC and a consultation with an attorney. I don’t believe she would ever try to setup a DV charge, but I guess you can never put something past someone who is capable of this.

Moving forward...

You are confident in your path and are targeting future happiness for you and your children. That’s the most anyone can ask of you in this situation.

Post when you can. There is a breadth of knowledge here found in few other places.

Take care and continued strength to you.

skyrun11,

If that can help you, keep in mind that the way you handle this will be a model for your children in the future if they encounter a similar situation. Hopefully your daughter will learn to stand for herself and not tolerate any abuse just like what you are doing right now. A life lesson....

Stay calm and firm. Calm people are in control of the situation, yelling and screaming people are not.

She will become your xWW, but also the mother of your children. They might blame her for now, but in the long run, it’s best that they keep a relationship with their mother. Your STBXWW might become unstable and might need help, you can ask her family or her friends to help her. You stay the course but don’t get too mean or ‘nuclear’ on her because of your kids. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is.

I wish you the best, I’ve been there, as well as many othersSI posters... we know how it is. post often!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:39 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

It makes me wonder...was your kid actually that "intuitive" to ask this question...or was she telling you indirectly that the fact of the matter is she already knew?

This may answer a lot of questions into your D's behaviors?

Do you think your kid knew about this shyt her mother was into long before you found out?

Now that the A is all out in the open it might help to have a heart to heart with your kid?

Their immediate reaction was its divorce time. It was good to sit back and hear this conversation because she tried to use her manipulation on them as well and they saw through it each time. My kids are very supportive of me and have no sympathy left for her.

Even your kids know it's time and don't want you go to through this hell anymore, listen to them and end this farce of a M, implement the 180 to start detaching and only talk about the children and D related stuff, preferably by email and/or text unless absolutely necessary.

I don’t believe she would ever try to setup a DV charge, but I guess you can never put something past someone who is capable of this.

No one ever believes their spouse would cheat or bring a false DV charge, yet it happens regularly. Better safe than sorry.

May God bless you and your family, skyrun11.

I told them my first priority is doing what is best for me because ultimately that is what will be best for them.

Excellent!

Good for you, skyrun! If you'd like, you can post in the S/D form when you're ready.