SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Odonna - I may have not mentioned it but I do not want the house. I never wanted the house and he talked me into us buying it. All of our close neighbors are his friends. The house needs a lot of work put into it and I am not up for doing that on my own. I also could not afford the house and the property taxes on my own salary.

ChamomileTea - I definitely want to get out now while I can. I am 28 and know that I have time to find someone who will treat me how I deserve, after I work on myself of course.

I am sorry that you have been through several decades of this. I cannot even imagine. Thank you for helping me see that I can rebuild what I have now, without him.

Then maybe your package is just a buy-out and he keeps everything and you get cash and the dog. You could offer to let him make payments in installments to coincide with his bonuses.

Note that I edited my prior post to note that division of debt also is part of the equation. Does he have more debt than you do? If so, and you accept that half of the total is yours, then you look very generous, especially if some of the debt pre-dates the marriage.

Also, in backing out of the equation the money from your parents, you could make the argument that their contribution should be increased to include a pro rata share of appreciation on the house, but that in order to get out simply you will just take the actual amount they gave you, without even interest.

Odonna - we have very little debt aside from our mortgage, and my car.

Unfortunately last month we paid off the debt we had on a credit card that had 0% interest expiring in August. All of the debt on that card was from a truck project he's been working on the last year (he's spent 12-15k on this total). The fact that we paid this off (7k this time) has our savings lower than usual.

I do have receipts of as many of the truck project expenses that the attorney said I may be able to use to prove that I should be entitled to more than half of the equity.

Are you determined to divorce?

[heck… with the pro-d and pro-r BS that’s been going on I even hesitate to ask that question!]

I fully get the advice offered and I think D would be your best or safest option.

But…

What will your response be if he admits his faults and begs you to help him overcome them?

What if he asks for a second chance (third actually…) and does work at changing himself?

The idea to get financial stability/equality might be a good one. Ideas like selling one of his vehicles, putting the money in a joint account and then withdrawing it to pay your vehicle are worth a minute to think through.

The key IMHO is being prepared.

Are your parents still around? What if you talk to them about how best to guard your interests? Have any good friend that can point to a shark that can be in your corner? Like maybe your parents have a family lawyer that can somehow stipulate that the money was intended for you.

What about the house: Debt-free? If you want to keep it then consider valuing at its lowest possible market value. List the faulty drain, the leaky window… at full Pentagon-contractor prices as deductibles. Then offer to buy him out at that price. Once the ink has dried you could sell it at full market-price and reclaim some of your lost money.

I’m a nice guy (I think) but I know I can be imposing. I have been used several times by family members for various confrontational situations ranging from insurance claims, HOA meetings, car-repairs, back-wages, dealing with debt collectors… Mainly because I can put on a façade of 100% confidence and determination and I prepare. I don’t get angry – I get results. Do you have anyone in your family or friends like that? Could even be a mother, father, brother, aunt… of a friend.

Bigger - yes, I am determined to divorce. Even if he begs and pleads and says he will work on himself, I'm done. I am no longer attracted to him like I once was. I do not trust him and I think he will only get better at hiding. I do not want to feel like this for the rest of my life. Life with him has gotten to be miserable in many ways.

Bigger - yes, I am determined to divorce. Even if he begs and pleads and says he will work on himself, I'm done. I am no longer attracted to him like I once was. I do not trust him and I think he will only get better at hiding. I do not want to feel like this for the rest of my life. Life with him has gotten to be miserable in many ways.

Also, I do have some people in my life like that - mainly my dad.

I also have a friend of my sisters who is a lawyer. I'm looking into another attorney he recommends - I will see if I can get an appointment with him as well.

[This message edited by cards3217 at 11:31 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Missed the posts about the house.

OK – So you want out then do the reverse. Value the house at top market value and demand half.

Accept the dog, a debt-free vehicle and getting off the mortgage and whatever cash you can get as your share, even if that means giving up what might be rightfully yours.

I would have a hard time being neutral as well.

I would offer the house, his cars, spousal support for one year and the dog.

When he protest about the spousal support and/or dog, drop the spousal support and keep the dog.

IE ask for much more than what you really want so it looks like you are 'giving' up a lot. Sometimes, this works.

How are you doing today? I know this is all overwhelming and depressing but you really will be OK. Plan your exit and execute!

Cards. Has your H been cheating the entire marriage? Maybe even before your marriage?

Do you have proof? If so - is it possible to tell him you will sue him for Fraud b/c he married you under false pretenses?

That could help you in negotiating.

Odonna - I am doing ok today.

I have decided to wait until Monday to actually file, because I want to gauge his reaction so that I know if I should stick with the lawyer I'm leaning toward, or if I should go all out on the best (and most expensive) lawyer in town.

I went to the vet with the pup today to get a refill of flea & tick preventative. I had them remove WH name from pup's records, and they said I was actually the primary on his record anyways. I also paid for the medicine with a credit card thats in my name, so that may help me, I don't know.

I'm going to take the day off on Monday, and tell him that evening. I plan on doing it in person, and my dad will be hiding in the other room just in case something goes bad. The dog will already be at my sisters house where I'm moving into. My best friend is going to try coming up (she's sick right now, so that's up in the air).

I'm going to make a trip to see my sick friend tomorrow so that I have an excuse to be gone all day (it's a 2 hour drive away).

I'm just ready to get through this weekend so I can be done with him. He has been trying to sleep with me and I have been running out of excuses to turn him down without tipping him off that something is wrong.

The1stWife - I don't know that he's been physically cheating, but it does seem that he's been doing this online crap for our whole marriage and prior to marriage. I don't have a ton of proof, just some screenshots of e-mail confirmations from Plenty of Fish mainly.

You do not have to have proof sufficient for judgment in court. You just have to believe in your gut that he is not being true to you. If you feel that way, that is enough.

I've seen a lot of people on here advising post nups. If he starts begging and pleading, could you sort of imply you might give him another chance if he signs it? And then use it to your advantage shortly after so you can get everything you came with and more, including the dog? I don't know the first thing about post nups or if you'd even be willing to play him this way, but honestly if it's possible and I was in your situation I'd play the hell out of him after all the pain and betrayal and humiliation he's put you through. If you just can't do that though, maybe just tell him you will keep it all nice and quiet for him, you'll even tell everyone you two just "grew apart" or some other bullshit. Maybe that will get him to agree to what you want after he's had some time to cool off and accept you're divorcing him. If not, then absolutely get a shark lawyer to go after him. The fact you even have to worry about this just proves even more what a POS he is. I really hope this works out for you and you get your dog and are able to find a loyal, trustworthy, loving man to spend the rest of your life with. This scumbag doesn't deserve a good woman like you one bit.

So today is the day.... how are you doing?

A post nup is god for asset division and custody and visitation.

I know the dog is your larger concern. That could be in a post nup.

Be sure you gave it drawn up by an attorney.

I didn't realize that a post nuptial was a thing. I will ask my lawyer about it.

This past weekend, my best friend (the one that was supposed to come up and help today) was admitted to the hospital and doctors aren't sure what's going on with her, but it's bad enough for her to be transfered to a bigger city, and admitted to the ICU, so I went to be with her (and to get away). I had a dream last night that he was on more dating websites, and sure enough, he was. MILF websites, Cam girl websites, POF, and some Matureflirt site. I was able to log into one of them, and he had a picture of his privates on there, and sent several messages giving out his phone number. It hurt, but gave me the anger I needed to get through today.

Today was rough. I took the day off work but kept my work computer online so he wouldn't know (both of our companies use skype for business, so we chat on there).

We (my mom, dad and I) moved all of my stuff that I need on the daily, clothes, the dog and his things, etc. to my sisters house, and moved as much of my valuable assets into a storage unit.

Around 3:45 I went to the bank and withdrew half of our money, minus what he was paid today (I canceled my direct deposit that would be coming through, so I didn't feel right taking any of his paycheck from today). Within 10 minutes, he was calling me asking if I removed money. I told him to come home and we would talk about it.

He was immediately upset and caught off guard. At first he denied, but then he admitted some. He still denies ever having full conversations with anyone on POF. He begged me to give him a chance to be a better man and that he loved me and wanted me to help him through this. I told him it was too late, that I wanted him to say all of those things a year ago. He finally accepted it and we had brief conversations about where we go from here. I told him I didn't expect him to know what he wants to do at this point, and to let me know when he's ready to talk about those things.

I left and came to my sisters. He fist stated texting me begging me to come home, then changed his tune to telling me that I needed to put the money back into our account, put my paycheck into the account, and put the money I took from our safe (half) back, because the bills need to be paid and our credit card needs to be paid. I told him I wasn't putting money back anywhere, but that I would help pay my part of what needs to be paid. We argued about that for awhile until he started begging me to come home again. Then we argued about the firearms we own. He doesn't think that it's fair that I want 3 of the 12 guns we own, at probably 15% of the value of all of them total. He then told me that "since Im taking stuff at my own free will" that I wasn't to be in our house without him there. Guess I'll call the cops if he locks me out.

Anyways, I know this was a long update. I'm now sitting in bed at my sisters house, with the pup by my side, drinking one of my favorite beers after having dinner with all of my family.

I know I will be ok, but I'm ready to get this over with. Thank you all for the support.

I noticed none of his demands included anything about the dog...

Looks like the money and personal property division is a better leverage point than you thought.

Under the circumstances I'd limit communication.

He's in self protection mode and will promise anything at this time.

It worked before so......