SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

psychmom - thank you for your kind words. I will definitely start IC asap. I'm just hesitant of starting anything until he is served because I am on his insurance currently. I am meeting with HR at my work today to get the ball rolling on getting back on my insurance.

I will definitely be taking some time for myself before I jump back into dating. I know I wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship at this point because I am very jaded and trusting will be even more difficult than it was before. I will look into your book suggestions.

The dog:

I'm probably one of the world's biggest dog lovers. Babies? ZERO maternal instinct. Never wanted children. While I'd protect one with my life, I also have no idea which end to hold up. LOL!

That said, you need the dog and the dog needs you. Call both vets and see if you can remove him from the records. Document how much time you spend with the dog vs how much time he spends. Do spend a lot of time with your dog. If it comes to who the dog willingly goes to first, hedge your bets that's you.

Is he purebred? If so, register him NOW with the AKC in your name only.

And the documentation regarding his activities... yes! Now you're thinking! Hold on to the proof and do NOT say a WORD until he fights you for the dog. When he does that, tell him if you get the dog, his boss won't get proof of what you've done on company time.

You're really smart. And your dog loves you. This can only mean that once you learn how to identify jerks like your STBX, you should have zero problems whenever you decide to allow someone into your life. .

I really hope it does not come down to who the dog goes to first. While the dog and I have a loving bond, WH has a alpha-male assertiveness to where the dog listens to him over me. He will normally come to whoever he hasn't seen, so if I take him with me, he will of course run to WH as soon as he sees him.

He has also been too violent with the dog IMO at times, and that scares me for if I was to lose him. I'm not sure if I should mention that or not. He has never injured the dog, but he has punished him too violently for my liking at times, and has spoken to him in ways that upset me.

The dog is a doodle, so he cannot be registered since he's technically a mix breed.

I would say we spend an equal amount of time with the dog. I was working from home the first 5 months that we had him, and was with him basically 24/7 - I wish that I still did so I could use that to my advantage.

I do have a better support system in terms of having people to help me out with the dog when I am gone, or cant get away from work to let him out at lunch, etc. Anytime we've had a situation where neither of us can leave work at lunch, my sister lets him out. My mom also stayed with him for a week when we were on vacation in March, so hopefully that helps as well. His family has never offered nor would they be willing. They do not like the dog.

I really hope it does not come down to who the dog goes to first. While the dog and I have a loving bond, WH has a alpha-male assertiveness to where the dog listens to him over me. He will normally come to whoever he hasn't seen, so if I take him with me, he will of course run to WH as soon as he sees him.

He has also been too violent with the dog IMO at times, and that scares me for if I was to lose him. I'm not sure if I should mention that or not. He has never injured the dog, but he has punished him too violently for my liking at times, and has spoken to him in ways that upset me.

The dog is a doodle, so he cannot be registered since he's technically a mix breed.

I would say we spend an equal amount of time with the dog. I was working from home the first 5 months that we had him, and was with him basically 24/7 - I wish that I still did so I could use that to my advantage.

I do have a better support system in terms of having people to help me out with the dog when I am gone, or cant get away from work to let him out at lunch, etc. Anytime we've had a situation where neither of us can leave work at lunch, my sister lets him out. My mom also stayed with him for a week when we were on vacation in March, so hopefully that helps as well. His family has never offered nor would they be willing. They do not like the dog.

I’m sorry you have been facing this during your entire marriage.

I suggest counseling for you. It will help you tremendously.

I hope the divorce is completed quickly.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:50 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

I just met with the attorney, and I'm really deflated now.

I am not going to be very well off financially.

There is a new law in my state that says if we don't agree on who keeps the dog, we have to set up a visitation plan like a child.

It makes me so sick that I have been a damn good wife to him for 2 years, and he has treated me like shit and I'm going to get the short end of the stick.

I'd just take the dog and let him find that out for himself.

I'm so sorry, Cards.

But I don't think he's giving you a lot of choice, right? This sucks, I know.

About your dog, can you record him around the dog when he's not at his best about it? And I'd still have to documentation to show he was using company equipment and use that as leverage so that you get your pup.

Thank you, btw, for being your dog's guardian through all this. Document who has cared for the dog, use specific examples. Between this and the threat of his actions going to his employer, I see promise that you and pup will be able to move on from this guy.

Stay strong. Seriously, I think you're doing fantastic.

In essence your husband abused the dog.

I wouldn't allow him near the dog at all.

Do what you have to do in order to keep that precious animal.

I hope he did not hit the dog at all, that's abuse and does not work.

Cards - please consider consulting with more than one attorney, several in fact.

Definitely use that leverage of outing him at work so you can have your furbaby, especially given that he has abused him.

While I am so sorry you're hurting, I am so glad that you're getting out of infidelity.

Hugs, sweetie....

First off:

I am willing to place money on that if your husband met a divorce attorney his first reactions after the meeting would be:

I am not going to be very well off financially.

Divorce is this financial enigma where having half of what you owned half of feels less.

But don’t let that stop you. I always thought that such a short marriage wouldn’t leave either with much financial gain.

Realistically: Would he be able to keep the dog alone? I have a lab and the very few days we need to leave him alone for 8 hours are really difficult. As you know having a dog is a real commitment.

I would seriously consider making the dog a non-issue… (and this is coming from a guy whose black lab is his best friend!). I think once your husband sees the lab is an issue then he will make it an issue, totally irrespective if he really wants the dog or not.

The above suggestion is based on advice from a family attorney friend of mine. He told me that very often when he mediates divorce he simply stalls for time. For the first couple of months both are making demands that are more based on revenge than reality. With time – as things cool down – they realize that the vase from aunt Jane isn’t really worth the hassle and that it’s probably best for the kids/pets to be reasonable.

Or you could be totally open with his access to the dog AS LONG as you are the prime caretaker. He can drop by anytime and take the dog for a walk, run or visit.

Or… Find something that has financial value but would be hard to convert into hard cash and exchange your half for the dog. “You keep the truck – I take the dog. If that’s not OK then the truck is a marital asset and I insist it be sold and the value split”

Or… Offer an uncontested divorce based on “we grew apart” for the dog, otherwise you will let others know of his infidelities.

Animal abuse? Not reported? Won’t have any weight. Not what I want, just a fact.

The reason I am feeling so upset about the financials is because I feel like I'm going to get a lot less than half of what I brought into the relationship.

I was naive and joined finances with him prior to us getting married. During the time between us combining finances and getting married, WE paid off 3 of his 4 vehicles that he still owns. WE bough a motorcycle that is in his name. Attorney says that since these were acquired prior to marriage, they will not be considered marital assets. And guess who is the only one with a car loan currently? Yep, me.

Also, when I bought my first house, my parents gifted me some money. The equity from that house went toward the first house we purchased together, 3 months prior to marriage, when my parents gifted us additional money toward a house when we had to move for his job. So basically I'm going to get 1/2 of the equity in the house we currently own, even though probably 5/6ths of the total equity came from myself and my parents. The attorney said that since this money went into a joint account, there is nothing I can do about it.

I was foolish to allow these things to happen, but I never imagined that we would divorce.

I am going to try and record anything I see of him being mean to the dog, but haven't gotten a chance to so far. I was hoping to be able to tell him that I wouldn't try and take any of his vehicles if he agreed to me keeping the dog, but it looks like he's going to get to keep all of his vehicles anyways, despite the fact that I helped pay for them.

[This message edited by cards3217 at 8:07 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

So, has he seen an attorney?

Does HE know the vehicles aren’t marital property?

Maybe HE would be willing to accept a quite, non-contested divorce where you “generously” offer:

-No mention of his perverted behavior.

-He get’s to keep all the cars

-You remove his name of any liability for your car-loan.

-You don’t make any claim to his pension.

-You generously offer to take over the mortgage and free him of that financial anchor.

If he makes any noise towards refusing: Swing the empty (but mean looking…) threats: Your parents will testify that the gift was for you, that your attorney can show that joint funds were used to pay for the maintenance of the vehicles, that by sharing in court his behavior will positively impact your stance…

Basically what I’m trying to do is to make you think positive. Think solutions rather than problems.

I am also considering meeting with a few other attorneys. One of my friends said that if I do this, he won't be able to hire any of the attorneys that I meet with? I'm not sure if that is true or not.

There are 2 attorneys in our town that I know are very ruthless and maybe not the best to actually hire, but I thought of maybe meeting with them as well so that if this is true, he cannot hire them.

Bigger - No, he has not seen an attorney yet. He does not know that they are not marital property, but I'm almost guaranteeing that he would make sure to find out.

I do hope that he will agree to an non-contested divorce, but I really don't think he will, knowing him.

It is worth a try, though. Thank you for the support.

seeing multiple attorneys taints the pool so to speak so no, he should not be able to hire them.

Since he has no clue about the attorney or what you have found, perhaps you could play it cool for a bit and finagle a way to get him to help pay off your car - IE, say something like "Ya know if we could pay off my car quickly, we could potentially purchase XXX. Try to get him to sell some of his cars - or sell yours and drive one of his (he has to provide you a car, if I'm not mistaken. In any case, Get the car paid off then file.

You have the time to get your financial house in order - start socking away an emergency fund for household emergencies - he doesn't have to know it is for something else.

Worth a shot, yes?

cards3217 -

Over the course of our marriage, I have caught him on dating sites multiple (6-7) times

Please forgive my naivety, but even after reading many of the threads on the Wayward side, I still can't fathom why someone would get married only to cheat on their spouse. If that is the way they feel why don't they just stay single and leave us faithful people alone?

Bigger has given you great advice on several fronts. Basically, you craft a package that includes the fair value of everything you both paid for (either pre or post marriage), back out what your parents gifted you, and divide the balance in half. Then divide your debts in half and subtract that. (Does he have more debt than you? If so, you accepting half makes you look very generous). The result is the value of half the marital estate that you offer him, which can be applied against various assets so that he ends up with the vehicles and you end up with the house. Explain that you don’t want to waste resources on two expensive lawyers and track your marital dirt through court. He might go for it. If he is inclined to push back you could take one or more cars and/or the motorcycle out of the equation. Make it look like you are getting 40% and him 60% of what you have bought jointly, plus avoiding all the major costs and problems of divorce.

And I thought Bigger had a great idea about the dog.

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:39 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

MamaDragon - we had a plan to pay my car off by the end of the year. We do not have the cash on hand to pay it off at the moment, and I cannot fathom staying around for several months to get to a point to where we could.

I could not drive any of his vehicles - 1 is torn apart, and 2 are manual transmission sports cars which I am not comfortable driving.

I have tried getting him to sell one of the cars, be he will not do it.

I do not know how much longer I can "play it cool". I cannot stand being around him and I think he is starting to sense it. I have tried to act loving toward him but I'm afraid the longer I try, the more I will ease myself into just being comfortable with the lifestyle we have now.

Agreed with Bigger that you might have some luck offering a uncontested, inexpensive divorce settlement which could appear to him to be generous. But even if everything the first attorney told you is accurate and you lose half the equity in the house, 3 of the 4 vehicles, and even the dog... what cost freedom?

I've been married for 35 years, and even though we've got a reasonably good reconciliation going, it I had known the pain he was going to cause me back when we'd only been married two years... I'd have given everything I had to get out. You're still young, so you don't know the regret yet of investing more than three decades you can never get back; all my youth, most of my vitality... gone. There are no do-overs in life. Don't waste yours on someone who doesn't appreciate what a gift you are.