SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Both of you need to put a pause on trying to fix the marriage.

You each need to do the work to fix yourselves, first.

I'm also the wife of an SA. Based on your posts, I would try to plug into a CSAT. The worst that will happen is that they will say..no sir, you are not an addict, just a serial cheater...and kick you back to an IC. Alternately, you can go to some SAA meetings and see if you identify with anything during those meetings.

The baby does complicate things.

I had kid #3 (IUI+injectibles) thinking my husband was sober. Actually he was slipping. It wasn't bad enough that *knew* he was getting high..but he was distant. His behavioral choices ruined much of the pregnancy and birth experience for me. I also would not have had a third child with him *if* he had been honest with me.

Things seemed like there were going in the right direction. But I found out she saw the AP again this last Saturday. We both need a lot of individual work. again, she is sorry, she says she can't control it. she is sorry blah blah. This is not looking good, she does not have the maturity to deal with her recovery. At this point, there is nothing I can do or control about this situation. I just need to heal myself, but I cant be around her. When should I talk to my family about the situation? so far, both sides of the family have been kept in the dark. Only close friends now.

did you confess your betrayals yet?

I don't think you should tell either side of the family, unless you plan on telling them the entire truth.

It's shitty to tell her family, with the goal being to shame her,while not exposing your own cheating as well.

And, if your family will refuse to be an active part of your child's life, because she cheated, then that's shitty of them. It's not the child's fault.

yes, there was a confesion, she did not ask for many details. She seems to be in some limbo state of mind where she just acts on feelings. She can find refuge in her work that keeps her mentally busy. my work allows for a lot of iddle time, so this is driving me insance. I dont want to disclose all the details of the situation to the family, just simple the possibility of a separation. My wife belives that pregnancies are only made public after the first tri-mester. I dont know what to do. right now I'm just taking it day by day. I want to save the marriage, but it seems very hard, specially if she is not willing to commit to stop seeing the AP. I asked her for her passwords, she said I will give them to you, but nothing so far. she wants everything now, the AP, the marriage, the baby without thinking of the consequences.

yes, there was a confesion, she did not ask for many details. She seems to be in some limbo state of mind where she just acts on feelings. She can find refuge in her work that keeps her mentally busy. my work allows for a lot of iddle time, so this is driving me insance. I dont want to disclose all the details of the situation to the family, just simple the possibility of a separation. My wife belives that pregnancies are only made public after the first tri-mester. I dont know what to do. right now I'm just taking it day by day. I want to save the marriage, but it seems very hard, specially if she is not willing to commit to stop seeing the AP. I asked her for her passwords, she said I will give them to you, but nothing so far. she wants everything now, the AP, the marriage, the baby without thinking of the consequences.

Have you begun your own therapy yet? You need to be showing progress on your own willingness to work. If your WW were here as a BS, we'd be telling her to watch your actions, not listen to your words. Your actions need to say, "here's a guy who knows he messed up and who wants to do better". IOW, you need to be the measurably better choice, a guy she's afraid to lose.

I know on the surface that it sounds like I'm recommending "the pick-me" dance, but really, it goes deeper than that. Going forward, you have the same right to want a faithful relationship with your own wife as a guy who didn't cheat. The caveat is that you are willing to reciprocate and be ever-faithful in turn. Because you have cheated, and floridly, you've got an extra step in the process. So, you begin by showing that you're an exemplary WS who is doing the work. That means, with or without her, you're going to counseling and changing the character deficits which allowed you to make poor decisions. You're developing appropriate boundaries which safeguard the primary relationship. But you're also sharing with her your boundaries on what kind of treatment you're willing to accept from a mate. IOW, you're not a guy who's going to tolerate his wife having a boyfriend. So, you lay it out there for her regarding what it takes to keep you from leaving. Then, step back and 180. Let her look from a distance and worry that you're moving on without her. Start working your own emotional detachment from the relationship.

I'll be honest, your situation is very complicated, and even under the most optimal of circumstances, there's no guarantee of outcome. You just can't control other people. The only one you can control is YOU. I think that if R is your goal, it's a slim possibility at best. Better to change the goal, and make personal recovery your priority so that you can be proud of the man you see in the mirror and a wonderful father to your son or daughter. If you focus on becoming the very best version of yourself, you'll become a more attractive prospect to a future romantic partner because your confidence will be genuine. Whether your WW is the beneficiary of those changes or not is up to her.

Logan,

Can you put the baby up for adoption, possibly int a better home environment?

Can your WW marry the OM and make him the legal father?

If your addiction has been as severe as you say then she was being neglected. Addictions ratchet up. Right now her affair is taking up all her emotional space which is why she isn’t bent out of shape about your cheating. If you stay together is will eventually hit her hard. If this is her exit affair then there is not much you can do. You marriage has always been iffy. Right now it’s on life support. Get yourself to therapy. You need to concentrate on sobriety. Begin controlling yourself. You can’t control her.