The humiliation and emasculation I felt after Dday was twofold:
1. I felt inadequate as a man, husband and father. Add in a measure of negative self talk. . .well it wasn't going to get any better when I was my own worst critic.
2. I felt ashamed that I agreed to try and work things out with my wife. Too many societal pressures plus how I'd always dealt with the fear that this could happen. I assumed I would D with extreme prejudice.I think that last point is common amongst people who have not experienced this firsthand.
I am 8 + years out and happily reconciled with my wife.
The thing I must mentioned that was underneath these things was a heavy measure of co-dependence. My M prior was a single entity that reflected on both of us. No room for individuality or even room to be less than perfect. Any hint of imperfection reflected that both of us were less than perfect. In hindsight it seems so foolish.
So the thing I needed to learn in all this was that my W's choices are hers. Nothing I did or did not do caused her to make the choice to betray me. It is easy to say that, but much harder to actually do.
Looking back our M certainly had dysfunction. I made mistakes. My W made mistakes too. I think that point gets lost sometimes. Both parties made mistakes that contributed to a less than ideal message. This is outside of the choice to have an A. Several other options existed to fix our M. Of course not being secure enough in ourselves we could never admit this to each other let alone to ourselves. We wanted the fairy tale so bad that it blinded us to the very real issues in our M. My Ws mental health issues are relevant to mention here as well. Although her admitting it or me pointing it out was too big of a risk.
Getting back to humiliation and emasculation. Most BS blame themselves for their WS choices. It is common to the point that it is textbook.
Why would we blame ourselves for our WS choices anymore than we would blame another person that makes choices that hurt people ? The thing is that we don't. Which points to the absurdity of that statement. We, as individuals, cannot change free will. No one can stop someone from doing something they really want to do. Key point here. You wanted to have an A. Be honest on that point with yourself and your H. Own it without pointing to anything else. You both need to see this as truth.
His feelings are his own. He will have to detach from you to work out his own feelings about this and deeper issues. A good IC is what worked for me. He has to understand that he will be ok no matter the outcome. He needs security right now. He will be sensitive to any criticism, any request or any talk of your victimhood. You need to find an IC to work through your own issues too.
As I detached I was free to look at myself and remember who I was outside of my indentity as a husband and father. That guy was/is awesome. That was a long journey. Very long. I am proud of that, but I would not wish that on my own worst enemy. While you may think that you cheating on him is hard, and it is, but it is nothing to growing pains associated with what I did in my IC's office. I cried in a fetal position many times reliving old pain. We are all the sum of our experiences from birth. Most of these things influences our choices in way that are not always apparent. Identifying those is the first step to healing.
Key point. Explanation of why we choose what we do does not justify them. It can explain it without excusing it. In R that applies to both BS and WS. Any potential mental health issues need to be identified and treated (if there are any)
Don't get me wrong the journey to healing is highly individual, but we need help to get there. An IC can give us directions, but we have to make that journey using what directions we were given. Our spouses can support us by allowing us that time and act as a sounding board when we feel vulnerable enough to share. We might not and that is ok too.
Your BH is likely very raw right now and he needs safety more than anything. Actively providing transparency is key to that. He needs to know that the knock out blows are over. Full disclosure of everything (see timeline) will give him most of that. Answering questions related to that honestly (without being crass or hurtful) adds to belief that this is what really happened in his life.
Lastly I sense some impatience in your words. This is a process measured in months and years. Day to day and week to week are not accurate measures. Right now you need to lay the groundwork for building trust later. Be 100% transparent in an active way. Don't simply make your devices available. Unlock/log on and offer him time away from you to look at them. Not healthy longer term, but for right now, he needs some truth to hang onto. If you run errands give him receipts or pictures with GPS coordinates. Something like life 360 can help with this too.
Further your words aren't going to be taken at face value unless you back them up with actions. Words are easy. Actions are harder. Don't make promise of doing things you can't prove you did. No lies of omission. Nothing you share is going to make him think less of you than he already does. You need to be extremely vulnerable with him. That is hard, but very necessary. Books, IC can help with this. Share things you never have before. Painful or Joyful doesn't matter as long as they are genuine.
Listen carefully. In this process you will fail. It is inevitable. There is not another way to find the "right" combination of things without trial and error. The thing that is important is that you keep trying. Effort counts as much as effect does. When he doesn't want space use these opportunities to talk to him about your feelings. Give him a safe place to talk. Let the anger exhaust itself. Anger is secondary emotion. Something painful and too vulnerable usually lies underneath it.
Please note the things he has to say right now are not going to be pleasant, but again watch his actions. He can leave whenever he wants to do so. If he is still there you still have a chance. I can't count how many times I told my W that I was divorcing her. I meant them most often, but making decisions in anger is never a good idea. I will point out I never actually left long term.
Also NC is a must. Through transparency he can be assured that this continues. If you resume contact. . .I can almost guarantee it will end your M. If you can't commit to that then be merciful to him and end the M. I know you have no plans to do so now while it is all so fresh, but I'd bet you never thought you'd be in this spot earlier on in your M either. False faith in your self sidesteps vigilance. Be mindful of this. Contact can be mental or secondary too. This is an action that tells your H that you don't want to be M'd to him or that you don't have his best interest at heart.
At the end of the day a real, true, honest M that allows room for both of you to be individuals that "choose" to be M'd is the endgame. Another key point a M you "Want" to be a part of versus one you feel you have to be a part of.
As much as you want to believe the later your H is in the M today because he feels he "has" to be in. Your part in that is make the prospect of a renewed M a better future for him than a D. You don't force, guilt, beat him down to get there. You show him how good it could be and let him make his own decisions. You've made your decision in the past. You need to allow him to make his. Nothing you can do, now, can change that.
I've typed too much again :) I'll stop for now. R is possible and I am much happier today with myself, my life and my renewed M that I thought possible. It is possible, but again it has to be something you both want. Further it has to be something you are willing to make a priority to work towards. If neither of you want a renewed M then it likely means that the M will not be renewed and revitalized.
