SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Being in love with someone doesn’t make one moral.

Bad people, like mafia dons, love their wives and kids.

Aside from that the evidence that AHGuy’s WW loves him is very thin indeed - for anyone who has been paying attention to this saga. She has acted over and over in decidedly unloving and hateful ways for half a decade or longer.

So she’s unloving and sanctimonious to boot. Bad combo.

Exactly. Love for a given person is defined by what you do (and don't do) with regard to that person whom you claim to love.

Certainly, many cheaters publicly claim to love - and probably internally think they love - the people that they hurt.

But the actual evidence would suggest otherwise.

I would say try the seminar.

You know you need help and you can seem amiable for your WW which could bode well in the future.

Plus then she can't play the whole, "But I gave you the seminar to help you get better."

If it doesn't work, realize this is one of many that could help you with this major life changing issue. There are others sources to get help from.

Good luck and catch up on TV during quarantine.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 11:24 AM, September 21st (Monday)]

Thumos,

You have a good point. My point was about the Covid 19 thing. Which has been politicized to the core.

I can read people's comments and almost guarantee that I know their political affiliations.

But thanks again - I really appreciate the well thought reply.

SisterMilkShake,

NeverTwice now there you go. It seems you are derailing it now.

Project much?

Good Morning AH

Hope your feeling well and Covid is not hitting you too hard.

This is how your last Thread ended:

I think so, at at least that how I feel. I want to thank all of you for your support, lot of you think highly of me, maybe because you don't really know me, I'm not anywhere close to the very nice image of me my story had alluded you. I have may flaws. My wife blew up our marriage but I wasn't the best husband prior to that either and I knew it all along. it is just fair to give you the whole picture. I was hard headed, I dictated almost every move in our marriage. I was working too much and have a mental condition that prevents me from sitting in one place so I was always out doing things. I ignored my WW emotional needs for years and years thinking that by cooking and doing most of the house chores I would be making it up for her. before you say anything, I know that doesn't excuse her affair, she should have walked out before thinking about having another man. I'm just being honest with you because I don't want you to think too highly of a flawed man like me. Yes I did love her and I would have sacrificed my life for her and my kids if I had to,but I was too damn arrogant to think I had everything under control. i got to realize now that all I've been doing is hiding from the problems. Do you really think that Iim that good? and women would love a guy like me if i was available? not till they know who I really I'm.

most of you think I'm handling things right, I just can't see it. I'm just lost wondering around all the thoughts and possibilities and trusting destiny. keep changing mind every second, and have no clear plan. some times i just wish I had filed for divorce the first day and left.

MointainGuy, I appreciate you taking time to chime in. you sound just like the pastor we talked to, he was saying things similar to what you wrote to point where I was like "is that him?" the only thing different is that he emphasized more on her current mental state after loosing everything.

You have many things to unpack in this letter to SI

We all know you are not perfect, you alluded to that in you opening post. We all have mental conditions, I have probably owned businesses most of my life because few would put up with how I work. I think I am OCD and scatter brained sometimes LOL. I am probably too easy on employees always finding a way to not fire people. So, yah, none of us are perfect in a 1000 ways.

Sure men like you and I look back at mistakes and think, if I would have done X and Y would Z have had a different result? Maybe set up a corrective action to prevent it in the future? Sure maybe you could have read "The Five Love Languages" and found your wife's love language was quality time and yours is acts of service. BUT SHE should have done that, before engaging in betrayal of the worse magnitude she could have chosen, except kill you. Stop believing this was in your control, she knew she was breaking every moral code she had. She is truly 100% responsible, she went around all the systems in place to prevent this from happening (Vows, Jesus, her own moral statements). She never told you that you should set up systems to catch a cheater because you believed she was moral, hell she was the system. This was not forgetting to tell you she took an extra $100 out of the ATM! Yes, you have every right to fire her as your wife! She fired you as her husband. She was so greedy she thought she had two husbands.

She could have taken a few thousand without you knowing, spent it on MC and tricked you into going. That's a betrayal you probably could live with, sure a little pissed off but not completely screwed up. She should have looked at your acts of service and thought what a wonderful man I married, look how he loves me. I should F his brains out every night.

Yes you have done most everything right in order to get out of infidelity. The way you stopped the blame-shifting, exposed, engaged an attorney, it was as if you had the manual. How different this would look if you would have excepted her blameshifting? If your attitude was poor WW, AH should have taken you to Ireland, (shit the affair, EA started before that). She put the train on the track, not you.

Do you really think that Iim that good? and women would love a guy like me if i was available? not till they know who I really I'm.

Ok, I have been one of many telling you YOU ARE A PRIZE, trust me! Men of integrity, financially set, hard working, clueless about women. YES you are in very high demand. OK we can work on the clueless part, I found women to be counter intuitive to my original understandings. Do not fear this, you can find so many interested women of all shapes and sizes. Some with morals, some not.

keep changing mind every second, and have no clear plan. some times i just wish I had filed for divorce the first day and left

This is why I thought your separation plan was correct. You need time, no easy answers, no easy plan. Continue with multiple thoughts at the same time, R? see the pastor and talk with your WW. D? continue to develop what you want, the property, your business, put some thought on paper. You have six months to work on a the next step.

Your WW is just as confused as you, she is fighting for her redemption, I think you should continue down parallel paths to R or D. She may be R material if she finds remorse and empathy, she may put in the work it takes. You might find forgiveness and understanding, overcome some of the pain. All very hard but possible, she may become a women you and God can be proud of again.

Hoping for your Return to Health,

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 12:27 PM, September 21st, 2020 (Monday)]

MointainGuy, I appreciate you taking time to chime in. you sound just like the pastor we talked to, he was saying things similar to what you wrote to point where I was like "is that him?" the only thing different is that he emphasized more on her current mental state after loosing everything.

Hahaha I missed that. I have been accused of a lot of things, being a pastor has never been one of them

A bit of introspection is always good, just remember that regardless of your shortcomings you aren't the one that let your marriage down. There were a lot of things she could have done before going outside your marriage.

For some people disasters like this force us to look at themselves and ask "what did I do wrong". Maybe instead of doing that, ask yourself how you can improve and be a better person? I don't know you, but I know for myself there are a lot of things I can improve, and I like to think that I'm working on those. I imagine you've got a list yourself. Even if you don't wind up reconciling, bettering yourself is always a worth while endeavor.

Even with the COVID, I think you're going to be ok.

NeverTwice, COVID-19 is not a political issue. It is a world health issue. It is science not politics.

Project much?

Right?

Enough with the COVID already.

Looks like (please forgive me AH) I should have said to AH: "Make sure your funeral policies are paid up and your plots are reserved".

Maybe SOME people would have been happy then!

Just the facts [which you won't get from the fear-porn of main stream media].

There is no test for COVID-19, the test which over-amplifies a culture to 48 time where 3 is the norm, tests for proteins produced during an immune response to most ALL corona type viruses, including the common flu. Thus we have no actual stats on COVID-19.

Even with the over-stated stats, the projected morbidity rate was 4% but has proven to be 0.034%.

I have a ton of research here and I crammed some numbers myself to back this up, I am ready for any debate on the matter, but I will not debate this on this thread.

I am ashamed at everyone who jumped on and attacked this one point in my comment and made a big deal about it in this thread. Even if you thought me to be wrong, PM me if you were that outraged.

Like I said, perhaps you would have been happy if I told AH: "Sorry man, it's all over, prepare to die!"

So literally ENOUGH with the COVID debate, based on my comment. If you have a problem with me and the way I phrased the comment, PM me.

I am not heartless I have compassion for people who lost loved ones. But nowhere did I claim that it wasn't a serious virus, just that the virulence falls way short of what was projected.

OMG!!!!

On an on topic note. AH, I hope you and your kids are recovering from your illness as well as healing from the life altering event that brought you here.

I am sorry, it was never my intent to cause a tangent that completely ignores you. I apologize for that unintentional result.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Strength to you.

AH is here for support.

How is this back and forth argument about Covid statistics supporting him?

Can we just stop,and get back to supporting AH?

Agree with hellfire

Whoa, whoa, whoa

Get the discussion back to supporting AH, or move on.

AH,

Since you are stuck home for a bit....might I suggest something to take your mind off of things for a bit.

Comedian Named Brian Regan. Very funny and clean. Just search YouTube for “I walked on the Moon”

No: bad language, sex jokes or other blue material, no marriage or kid jokes. Just everyday stuff like Pop-Tarts and mailing a package. Seriously funny. I just about wet myself.

Also in the same vein on Nelflix.....Ryan Hamilton..

Or if you prefer your comedians very Dirty and funny, watch you some Jim Jefferies :)

AHGuy I have lived through finding out my wife was with another man but the good part for me was that is was a serious exit affair, I wasnt' consulted about my future. I empathize with you because you have to make a life changing decision and I know it cannot be easy.

You don't have to make it today.

On an on topic note. AH, I hope you and your kids are recovering from your illness as well as healing from the life altering event that brought you here.

I am sorry, it was never my intent to cause a tangent that completely ignores you. I apologize for that unintentional result.

Please let us know how you are doing.

No apologies needed, I actually enjoyed the conversation. I can't speak for everyone in regard of COVID, I know it was devastating for some but fortunately for me and my sons it was less than mild. We might have good genes, I already feel normal and ready to go but I gotta wait another week before I can retest. I really need to go out and work I have many problems to take care of but that's not why I'm here in SI.

My WW is staying in contact, which is fine since she gotta take care of her sons, being separated was helpful and I might be ready for a second part of her timeline. there were things I didn't get to ask like her nude photo and GNOs. she is ready for me she said she won't hide anything and would answer any question with brutal honesty if needed.

We all know you are not perfect, you alluded to that in you opening post. We all have mental conditions, I have probably owned businesses most of my life because few would put up with how I work. I think I am OCD and scatter brained sometimes LOL. I am probably too easy on employees always finding a way to not fire people. So, yah, none of us are perfect in a 1000 ways.

Organic, I know nobody is perfect but what I was talking about is the fact that many posters here mentioned how solid I was and how great my character was. what my thread didn't show is how fucked up I could be at times. what she did was the worst thing she could have done to me and our marriage and I'm not trying to give her any excuse I'm just want you to see my bad part of the destructions of my marriage. what makes it worse in my mind is that I knew al along that I was wrong but just never cared to change and do not know how.

what she did was the worst thing she could have done to me and our marriage and I'm not trying to give her any excuse I'm just want you to see my bad part of the destructions of my marriage. what makes it worse in my mind is that I knew al along that I was wrong but just never cared to change and do not know how.

The issue is it sounds like your beating yourself up over not getting an oil change after your WW set the car on fire. Unless there is something you are not telling us, your issues were common and fixable. It's not helpful to you, R, or D to keep focusing on it the way you have been. What is helpful is agreeing to commit to doing better in a second go of this marriage or your next relationship and if you don't think you're capable of that, get an IC to work on it.

what my thread didn't show is how fucked up I could be at times. what she did was the worst thing she could have done to me and our marriage and I'm not trying to give her any excuse I'm just want you to see my bad part of the destructions of my marriage

🤦🏼‍♂️

No, no and no.

Your imperfections have nothing to do with her cheating. She should have filed for divorce and then played the field. Instead she chose to have a double life and probably because the life you gave her was not all that bad and she wanted to keep it till her lover was free from his wife (little did she know that this would never happen).

She was deliberately cruel when she did this. None of it is on you. However if this is a call for you to change your lifestyle then do it for yourself and yourself only.

She has to see an IC no matter what happens.

I'm just want you to see my bad part of the destructions of my marriage. what makes it worse in my mind is that I knew al along that I was wrong but just never cared to change and do not know how.

It's good to look at yourself and admit that you have some traits/habits that need fixing, or if nothing else, reigned in as much as you can. If you don't then the next relationship you're in, with your WS, or someone else, may run into the same problems again. As far as not knowing how to change, it seems like there are plenty of therapists in your area, and it sounds like you have a pretty amazing support network among your friends and family. Don't sell them, or yourself short.

Whatever you decide, and no matter how much fault you assign yourself remember you aren't the one that blew the marriage up. She had a lot of options and she chose one of the worst ones. So maybe you get a 'B', or maybe even a 'C' on your part of the marriage, she still gets an F no matter how you look at it. Just like everyone else you have some work to do, but nowhere near as much as she does.

Hey brother, how goes the cabin fever?

I know nobody is perfect

I have to disagree, I am, just ask me haha

It is good to hear that you and the boys improving. Get them out in the sun mowing the lawns and fresh air can help greatly. Glad to hear that WW is doing the supplies and cooking. Hopefully she won’t catch it as well. She does sound like she is at rock bottom. Hopefully her renewal faith can help her help you heal.

Have your questions written out for the second part of her A timeline. Don’t let Mr Angry step in and side track the discussion. When in doubt just breath. Remember though once heard it can’t be in heard.

Always the recovery is about you and what you need for this.

Just one foot in front of the other. There are always options one can take your wife chose hers regardless of what the consequences were going to be. Can’t dwell on the past, the what if I had... or if only I had ... we can only play with the cards we have been dealt with.

Sounds like the Communication between the two of you are improving. You sound a lot better than your first post here. Just saying.

One day at a time