SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Contact his wife and blow his world right up.

Your wife needs individual counselling.

Her boundaries suck.

After this long, telling OBS may or may not be doing her a service.

My concern is that telling OBS doesn't do anything to solve your big problems - yourself, your W, and your M.

What are you going to do to process your pain?

What changes are you going to ask your W to make?

What are you going to do to make your M what you want it to be?

Is my understanding correct, that your wife's best friend is back in her (and your) life.

The best friend that knew of the affair (and didn't discourage it)?

It seems that AP was always on your WW's mind. Uncompleted loves are romanticized, your WW may see him as love of her life and you as the obstacle of this uncompleted love.

The strange thing is that AP seems not so interested in to contact with your WW, he just responds positively to your WW's contact. It's possiple that he is serial cheater and not serious about your WW. Otherwise, he should have taken initiatives too.

Has your wife explained to you what are the unsaid things which were mentioned in her 2007 e-mails, and more important, the things that you aren't aware of? Could this be related to your WW's pregnancy to your first child? Was there any opportunity to see him at that time? If yes, i suggest you a DNA test.

My general view in this infidelity issues is that if it is definitely going to be divorced there is no need to dig to know more, but if reconciliation is considered the whole truth should be known. Seems like you don't know most of the truth. So, if there is possibility for you to stay in the marriage, i suggest polygraph. If you can't stay, file for D. Even if you want to reconcile, filing for D indicates a determined stance.

Wish you the best.

...not an easy post for me to confront after all these years but still grates in me.SO much more (mostly my decline into extreme wayward behaviour out the back of the A, totally zero before) which I’m not sure I can even bring myself to say here ,let. alone to her.

...I went off the rails and did a lot of stuff that hurt her so I think she always thinks we’re pretty much even

What was it that you did which would make your WW feel like you're "pretty much even"?

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:04 PM, February 6th (Saturday)]

Just read your thread for the first time.

How are you doing?

Hopefully you were able to get in touch with the scumbags wife and tell her. It would be interesting if the scumbag contacted your wife to complain about you meddling in his marriage.

There is nothing wrong if her sleeping with him is a dealbreaker for you and you file. You son is probably 17 right now, so if you do decide to file, the child support shouldn’t be too bad.

We only get to go through life once. Nobody should have to waste that one time dealing with what you are.

Good luck and stay strong

Hi. I am sorry that your wife’s infidelity has caused you so much pain for so long.

Rug sweeping does not work. You will stay unhappy. And the resentments will build

you both need help navigating the pain in your marriage. 20 years is a lot to work through.

I also think you both need to face the affair full on. Once and for all. Then decide if you can still love each other and if you can have a good marriage. Your wife has never chosen you, as she never let the idea of him go nor has really owned this.

Working through these issues is NOT possible without a very good marriage counsellor.

Life is too important to remain unhappy.

In a ton of ways this is like looking into my future.

What did your wife say about her AP a few years after the initial affair? Did she claim to have no interest in him? Etc.

I've done 6 years and still feel the dark cloud often.