SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Relationships are a 3-legged stool made of Respect, Trust, and Love. After an affair, 2 of those are gone,

Trapped, first, I completely agree that marriages are based on three legs, Respect, Trust, and Love. But after an affair, which one is left?

The cheater certainly doesn’t love or respect the betrayed spouse, and if they allow the cheater to stay, I’m thinking the level of respect plummets even more.

The cheater certainly doesn’t love their spouse, or at least using a definition of “love” most people would recognize. If they did love their spouse, the would cheat in the first place. And once caught and they see the pain and devastation they have caused and continue to cause just being around the betrayed spouse, they would make it easy on the betrayed and simply leave as it would cause the LEAST amount of pain in the long run.

And the betrayed spouse certainly will never trust the cheater ever again. Whenever the cheater is 5-10 minutes late, they are going to be wondering whose back seat they are in, or what motel they are actually at.

So, in the best case scenario, which of the 3 still remains after an affair?

Just wondering. Thanks

JustSomeGuy,

Where did you see this study?

Can you ask the moderators if you can put a link to it here?

Thanks

My WH and I have been doing MC for about 4 1/2 years now. We actually just had a session this morning. We are in a really great place and only do it once a month as a kind of maintenance right now. We’ve had a lot of highs and lows since dday.

One of the most important factors we talked about today is my own personal healing and general anxiety. My WH is only part of the issue. He exacerbated an issue I’ve had my entire life due to FOO issues of never being enough. So during our session I asked - how do I reconcile that when it proved to be true? Our MC reminded me (and I KNOW this but it’s hard to always “know” it in your heart and mind after cheating) that his cheating was not about me. It was not about his lack of love or respect or any of that for me. It quite literally had nothing to do with me. It was all about him, his shitty choices, his low self esteem, his conflict avoidance. I am enough and I didn’t deserve any of it. Not one of us on this site did.

Our wayward spouses have to fix themselves and we as the betrayed have to fix ourselves and really KNOW that it wasn’t about us. I know it and I preach it but sometimes we need a reminder. A marriage can survive and even thrive, but it’s a lot of work to heal that kind of damage. I don’t know anyone personally who entered adulthood without some sort of baggage from their childhood. This kind of trauma can reopen those wounds and you have to heal that so you can move on from it.

I don’t care if I’m part of the 16%, 60%, or if it ends up being 3% - I’m working my ass off to heal this trauma because all I care about is living a happy and full life with my family. No one else can take that away from me - especially not some 22 year old COW. Sorry for the long ramble, I was just really happy with our session today.

I read something years ago that stuck with me. "Relationships don't stand still." And it's true. They are growing, maturing, faltering, fracturing, weakening, building, shifting, evolving, improving, or breaking--but they are never just sitting there and not moving in some way.

Can all relationships be fixed? No, nor should they be. But certainly many of them can be. So these statements about trust being "gone" kind of ignore the fact that it can come back. It just takes work, and some of us have relationships where there has been a ton of solid, hard earned work.

If your relationship broke permanently, then that is very sad. Of course. But relationships don't stand still. They can be rebuilt, exactly as Thissucks5678 says. Anecdotally speaking, many posters come back and say, "Welp, he did it again." But they also come here and say, "I've been cheated on in my new relationship now." And those that don't come back? I would imagine there are some pretty happy reconciliations and new marriages. Who wants to post about their old pain if they are living well now (except me, lol)?

This is one of those things that cannot be understood by statistics. It's only your pain that matters really. And if R didn't work, it didn't work. There's no shame or guilt to bear. But R does work for some, and that includes me. So never say never. You'd be wrong.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:21 AM, March 5th (Friday)]

And the betrayed spouse certainly will never trust the cheater ever again.

That is just not true. At a minimum it is way more nuanced than that.

I do data analysis for a living. You can spin a number to show almost anything.

My post infidelity marriage is not the statistics industry's business.

The cheater certainly doesn’t love or respect the betrayed spouse...

If the statement were, 'The cheater certainly doesn’t love or respect themself,' I could agree with it.

If the statement were, 'Some/many cheaters certainly don’t love or respect their BSes,' I could agree with it.

But the biggest problem in WSes, IMO, is that they don't love or respect themselves, and that lack of self-love and self-respect dwarfs their feelings - which may include love and respect - for their partners. WSes may very well feel love and respect for their partners, but self-hate prevents them from showing it.

...and if they allow the cheater to stay, I’m thinking the level of respect plummets even more.

Well, I think that statement insults every BS who chose R. In fact, the statement implies that down deep, BSes who choose R are not worthy of respect.

We can't speak for anyone but ourselves. We have no idea what is in the mind of WSes, and we have no idea what they will do. We have no idea whether any specific WS does or does not respect their BS if they choose R.

Some WSes respect their BSes; some do not. My bet is that the BS's choices after being betrayed just confirms what the WS already thought. IOW, if they respect their BSes, they'll respect them more whatever they choose. If they don't, they'll respect them less. But I don't know that for a fact, nor do I know how to verify whether I win or lose that bet.

*****

I wonder why people won't countenance one choice or another. I mean, I chose R, but I know other BSes have thrived after they've D'ed. My reading of posts from many people who have D'ed is that the are happy the D'ed, and they are happy for and show every sign of respecting people who have R'ed.

Did you just overstate your case, which is easy to do in this format, or do you really not respect BSes who R? If you really won't accept the possibility of R, you're doing yourself and others a big disservice.

You write that you might use your XW for a booty call. That's not a sign of NC. It's a sign, rather, of still being enmeshed with your XW. I think you have more healing to do, and I hope you do it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:20 AM, March 5th (Friday)]

At face value that sounds about right.

At the same time I weigh feedback I read here and, in general, everyone who faces this against the whole echo chamber concept. For example: I find it more likely that the masses of SI.com will have a measure of bitterness due to the tie that bonds all of us who felt compelled to register (for obvious reasons).

The subject is a humiliating one which I don't see as being able to completely grasp from any perspective as long as it relies on the participants/victims.

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

- Mark Twain

I think the only time a statistic is relevant is when YOU are one of the participants.

Otherwise - just more drivel to add to the massive amounts of fake news offered everywhere possible.

If you place your left hand on a block of ice and your right in a cauldron of boiling water, then statistically you are doing fine.

I say too many posters are making definite assumptions out from one survey, and that a survey the original poster has not returned to confirm or better share WHAT survey he is referring to. I could just as well claim that I read a survey that showed a 100% success rate from infidelity and maybe skip letting you know the survey was done by asking Sissoon and Wifehad5 if their marriages had survived infidelity. Without knowing the survey, seeing how it was done, how the group was selected, size of the population etc there is no way a single survey can be this definite.

Do I think the survival rate is higher? Don’t know… I think it might be higher.

Do I think the survival rate is lower? Don’t know… I think it might be lower.

What I do know is not to read an unsubstantiated claim as 100% truth.

Newlifeisgreat I think someone posted the link earlier. I think it was a small sample, so I dont know if it is an accurate number. I really wish someone would do a really study into the long term effects of infidelity.

this "link" matches

bestlifeonline-dot-com

look for: survive-an-affair-survey

in the article - reference to a "Healthcare Company"

sample size 441

search on "divorces in US" - 750,000 in 2019