SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

They are though. If you referenced the original post, I had asked for advice from people who have been in the situation. I never asked what your personal opinion is and whether I should get divorced or not. I don’t think this is fair that everyone is basically attacking me for staying when I am not sitting here judging anyone else for their decisions in their relationship

Advice is based on opinion. Opinions here are varied and based on experience.

Advice is based on opinion. Opinions here are varied and based on experience

^^^^^^^^^^^^Agree.

OP - perhaps you are seeking validation to your choice of staying and there is nothing wrong with that. What Linus saying is absolutely valid also. As the old saying goes here at SI, take whatever advise that suits you and ignore the rest.

Good luck.

I am not looking for validation from anyone. I was hoping to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation with an OC and how they handled that, as asked in the original post.

There are plenty of people who have survived an affair and OC.

Your marriage snd what happens is your call. He appears to be doing everything he can to help you. He appears remorseful. And those are two very positive steps.

Perhaps once you get over the initial shock of the OC, some professional counseling to help you manage this difficult situation with the OW snd OC may be helpful.

It can help you and your H navigate the future together. Give you both some solid advice.

Had I been here on SI at the of my H’s 2nd affair the advice would have been to D him. Rightfully so. On paper he had too many negatives.

But he changed. On his own. I didn’t tell him to do X or Y or Z. He had to figure that out on his own. He is not the same cheating jerk he was - and it’s been 8 years from dday2.

Not EVERY cheater remains a cheater. Plenty of relationships survive infidelity snd plenty of cheaters change (for the better). Unfortunately it is not the norm.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:02 AM, Sunday, February 6th]

just tied the knot a year ago

Ok, you’ve received good advice from members here.

Listen to it.

That said, the fact that he lied to, deceived, and betrayed you within a few months of making the most sacred vows one ever makes in their life says volumes about him and his character - or utter lack of.

This child, if indeed his, although as innocent and pure as any other child, and the mother, will be a part of your marriage to this man for the rest of your life.

He sounds like an adulterous time-bomb that will very likely go off again in the future.

Married for a short time and no children together?

Consider what you know, your self-worth, and your future very carefully before investing more life time with this person.

Hopeful1881

Will you be able to prove paternity before the baby is born? Is that possible?

Correct me if I am wrong. He cheated while you lived away from each other but not once you lived together. If he was still cheating after marriage then you have a real dilemma. It means that he does not honor his word. If he cheated while you lived apart surely you saw each other occasionally. What members here want to help you process is why he gave himself permission but you did not. You honored your word. No one wants to walk over your original post. We want to make sure you look at this with clear eyes.

Everything about this should be filtered through an attorney. They know what your state regs. are and how best to protect yourselves.

The real crux is whether he wants to participate in the baby’s life. He might feel one way now and another after the birth. You are an innocent victim as well as the baby. Two irresponsible adults have done this to you. You also have rights. Find out what they are. If you have a good salary you might want to separate your income from his. File taxes separately if that will make a difference. Again, an attorney can guide you on this.

Hey everyone, I appreciate the input. I have no idea how I will feel in a few months but for now, I am giving my husband a chance to be the husband he promised he would be (and showed he was capable of being the first 6.5 years of our relationship prior to the shitshow of this year).

I did meet with a lawyer to confirm what we need to do to protect ourselves. I have no idea if a paternity test is possible right now but we will absolutely get one after delivery. The other woman has decided to keep the baby at this point. My husband tried to speak with her about adoption but she refused, which makes me really upset. She's not in a stable financial position to take care of this child, has no support system, and I feel like she is being extremely selfish and unrealistic. She is currently living with a roommate in a tiny apartment and does not even have room for a crib, much less a whole nursery. I'm sure a court battle is in our future...

However, per the lawyer I met with, she can go after my husband's income ONLY for child support if she chooses to do so. Our joint bank account is also at risk. My income and our assets are not accessible to her (which works out well since I'm the main breadwinner in our family). So thank you to everyone who recommended meeting with a lawyer - I definitely feel better now that I know what the laws are in my state and we have been able to take some steps to protect our money.

I would still like to hear from anyone who has experienced a similar situation to hear how you dealt with the other child situation. I am anticipating we will have to fight with this other woman for joint custody if not full custody in the fall...what a mess.

One more thing, apparently it doesn't matter how we file taxes since my income can't be used to calculate child support but to be extra safe, the attorney advised filing married but separate this year. Pro tip. It will just speed things along when those documents get subpoenaed by the court.

Would you consider going for full custody? It might be something to think of if she has drugs or alcohol on her record. It's worth checking it out.

Can I ask how old the OW is?

It may have some impact on the future.

Would you consider going for full custody? It might be something to think of if she has drugs or alcohol on her record. It's worth checking it out.

Honestly, I think I would actually prefer either that or zero contact as opposed to joint custody. That way, we would not have to deal with her at all. That’s the part I don’t know that I can stomach. As far as I am aware, she does not have a history of a drug or alcohol problem but who knows what will happen in the future with this additional stress. It’s going to be quite a life adjustment for her after her previous life of being the white trash slut of the town where her biggest responsibility was to post selfies with minimal clothes on *face palm*

Can I ask how old the OW is?

It may have some impact on the future.

She is 25. How would that impact anything though? I see her lack of stability as a far bigger issue than her actual age numerically.

I think what everyone here is trying to get through to you is that no matter how much you may wish it and regardless of the legal and financial ramifications (which you can in some way mitigate yourself away from), it's the simple fact that this woman and her child are now going to be part of your life.

You can choose to dissociate yourself from this all you like, ring fence your life away from her and your husbands child, however the simple fact of the matter is that for next 18 or so years, this woman and your husbands child will be part of your lives. Financially for your husband, emotionally for you. It is not going to go away.

So when the time comes for you to have kids of your own, your children will have a half sibling. As much as you may want, those children may (will?) want to have a life with their sibling in it (at whatever level). Your husband will be involved with that child at some level and no matter how much you may wish it, their emotional time will be split between your children and his child.

You can argue it all you like however this is the fact of the life you will have.

Many people can and do deal with it but it is not easy, it will never go away and you will be tested both emotionally and financially. Life has become a lot more complicated and whilst I understand that there are legal methods of dealing with this, it's that emotional level stuff that I think you will struggle with.

Because this - your husband having another child by another woman - is always going to be there.

I may have missed it,but does your husband want to have any contact with the child?

I may have missed it,but does your husband want to have any contact with the child?

To answer both of the posters above, I hear what you are saying. Emotionally, I was dealt a shit deck, 100%. He does want to have contact with the child but he is already not speaking to the mother because he feels she is ruining his life with this whole development. He is extremely adamant that she consider an abortion and she basically kept making up excuses (I think to see him) and then refused. He then asked her to consider adoption because she’s not stable enough to raise a child and she also refused. It’s completely effed.

At this point, they are no longer speaking at all. I think they will be civil because of the child but he is completely done with her and has recommitted to the marriage. I just wish this child didn’t exist so we could get a clean break from her completely but it is what it is at this point. Is this the life I would have chosen for myself or my children? Absolutely not. But I love my husband. He has been really trying on a daily basis and I do think he knows what he wants at this point. Who knows if this will maintain but he has taken a complete 180 since the affair a few months ago. I am giving him a chance to prove himself now but I can still leave at any time.

Until you have an actual paternity result in hand, the OW could still be lying and trying to extort you. One of the OW my fWH was involved with took his NC request pretty badly and claimed she was pregnant. She kept wanting to meet up with him to give him back various items and he kept telling her 'no'. I think this was so she could extort him without putting anything in writing. Eventually, she claimed to be heavily pregnant and wanted money to get an in utero DNA test. I had him call her bluff by continuing strict NC. Time for delivery came and went. Just another OW lie.

If the OW in your situation is actually pregnant, it's up to her to prove it and to prove paternity. Meanwhile, you have plenty of time to be ready. See an attorney. Make sure that YOU are aren't giving anything up. TBH, I would never allow at home visitation with an OC. One bump or bruise and the OW could accuse you of any number of horrible things. If I'm completely candid and if I was young and wanted my own family, I wouldn't stay at all. If you're determined though and that paternity test turns up, you'll want to make sure your attorney has protected you from as much financial harm as possible. Hell, if the OW really horrible, maybe you can get a PI to prove it and take custody from her.

The courts can say. That your DH should be making X dollars a hour working, times 40 hours a week and base CS on that. Plus medical insurance.
If this kid goes into Forster care. Then the state will come after him for CS. Your DH should be getting a job to support his child