SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah, it takes time. Sorry you felt that way because of what he said. You ARE beautiful.

I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to the woman he cheated on me. But I can't help it.

We all understand the comparison and have the appropriate tshirt. 🙄

He took the cowards way out.

In the moment of despair, unfortunately you brought it up first (no blame) and he is so gutless-he chose to hurt you more-rather than admit his spineless reasons.

You are lovely and deserve so much more. Your babies are a testament to the trauma that your incredibly strong body endured!

He can f&@k all the way off.

(Hugs)

My husband said some pretty idiotic stuff at the time of discovery. Like literally head up his ass bullshit. You have to consider the source.

Your spouse doesn’t have enough forethought to know not to stick his penis in other people, much less the ability to understand why he stuck it in other people.

It would be like your mechanic giving you medical advice. Consider the source.

Tell him you couldn’t hear him about your weight because his head was too far up his ass to be audible for speaking.

WTF.

He sounds like a fantastic human.

Ugh. I’m sorry.

Having children changes your soul. Of course it’s going to change your body. Ain’t nothing the same after having kids.

Freaking Beyoncé got cheated on. Please. It’s not about you. It’s about his piss poor coping skills when your world ceased to revolve around his toddler attitude.

I’m sorry. I chose poorly, too.

Ugh. What he said to you is so disgusting.

Find your rage, girl.

My husband is honest, I can at least give him that. I keep asking questions, he keeps answering. He's also been digging himself into a even bigger hole. Some things he has admitted:
● My weight is a factor of him cheating on me.
● He said I'm still sexy just not as sexy as before I got pregnant the 2nd time.
● Appearantly my 2nd pregnancy screwed with my looks far more than the 1st pregnancy.
● He said I smell funny when I sweat since my 2nd pregnancy.
● In terms of looks out of 10, he gives me a 7 while the woman he cheated on me gets a 10.

Am I just being cruel to myself at this point asking him all of this ?

He said he loves me, and will try his best to never cheat on me again. He promised that if he ever cheat on me again, he'll tell me like how he told me about this time. He said he doesn't want to keep anything from me.

And yes we're going to do both individual counseling and marriage counseling.

I think we can survive this. In terms of how bad cheating can get, a one time thing then a quick confession is a lesser form.

I'll appreciate if anyone here can tell me if I'm doing anything that is making the situation worse.

Yes, you’re giving an idiot an audience and asking a person who lacks insight to tell you insightful things about his reasons behind violating his moral compass. If he has one.

It was stupid of me to think my WS had deep insight into his reasons why he dipped his wiener into a barely legal 20 year old when he was 43. Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers.

And I mean this with love and compassion for you. I’m so sorry you decided to have children with a superficial human being who disappoints in the depth arena.

I did too.

That’s what deserves thought: why my picker is so broken that I chose a man with the brain of a toddler. That is a process that takes time and lots of work.

I am still working to forgive myself for picking a dude who decimated my life to have sex with a barely legal 20 year old. I want to vomit.

My weight? Not nearly as gross as the blinders I put on when I chose him. wtf. And I weigh 100 lbs less now than when he cheated on me. The rage made me starve myself. I needed to lose the weight, and I used it to spend so much hating on my body. I didn’t deserve my hate. I turned it to myself. Some women turn it to the other woman.

But few of us turn it to where it belongs. And it belongs firmly on the grown ass dude acting out like a toddler.

Part of my work is to learn to not hate myself for my bad choices and the repercussions of my bad choices.

I can do better. I can love myself with exercise and making healthier choices.

You deserve to love yourself. I’m sorry he stole that from you.

It’s not about the weight. Lose it if you want, whatever. But 100lbs later, I’m still married to an asshat. And now I’m having to deal with it 15 years later.

Do better than I have. It’s not too late.

And he’s not honest. He cheated on you.

He's not just being honest. He's just being cruel at this point. My wife has battled with weight a few times since having our son. She weighed around 125 lbs at her smallest and got up to 180 at her heaviest, and she's 5' 4" tall. She just recently shed about 35 lbs and is starting to flirt with her pre pregnancy weight again. She still calls herself "fat" but the only thing I say to that is that I think she's looking amazing.

I have never, ever told her she's fat, heavy, unattractive or anything like that. At worse, I gently expressed concern for her health a couple of times when she started gaining a lot. I've never cheated on her, and I've had opportunities. I've never even considered it. Her weight has no bearing on how I see her or feel about her. Even if he hides behind "I'm just being honest" there are ways to be honest without weaponizing it and bludgeoning you with "the truth." I still to this day, 27 years later, only see the pretty girl I married when I look at her, and I tell her that often.

He rated you a 7 and his AP a 10? I'm sorry, but at this point I think he can fuck ALL the way off.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:14 AM, Thursday, January 29th]

The things he is telling you aren’t reasons to cheat on you.

The might be reasons have a discussion.

The reasons he chose cheating instead of talking to you about his concerns could indicate many things that he needs to address before you can even decide what you should do permanently. I know you are saying you are just doing to try and most people do need to take some time to process and see what unfolds.

Here are some likely suspects to why he really cheated, these are true and common reasons people cheat and I think most every case I have every read about number one is a given for all ws.

1. He feels he is entitled to do what he wants about his unhappiness with no regard towards you or your children.

2. He lacks the integrity to do the right thing when no one is watching.

3. His likely an avoidant personality which means he needs to learn how to have conflict and hard conversations.

4. He has lack of empathy over what he did. Blaming you is the indicator. He is not considering your feelings, he is only considering his own.

The only thing that might be at all in his favor is if he confessed on his own. But even the. You have to ask yourself, did he just do it to alleviate the guilt? Or did he really feel you deserved to know?ask him the question open ended without giving those as options.

Don’t let him put you in a position where you have to feel bad or ashamed of yourself about a normal process most moms goes through, he is the one who should be ashamed and embarrassed. You are the prize to be won here, not the other way around. Don’t let him convince you of that, because once he does he will feel free to do it again.

And I know you don’t know me as a poster but I am happily reconciled, I believe in second chances, just that second chances can’t be give lightly. If you don’t respect and protect yourself he won’t either.

Therapy will help with this and you are totally having a normal initial reaction. But he is doing damage here that I can’t sit and watch without asking you to see a different perspective. You deserve better than any of this so far. Far far better.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:04 AM, Thursday, January 29th]

There's also cause and effect: he didn't cheat because he finds you less attractive. He finds you less attractive because he cheated.

He is in self-protective mode - he doesn't want to think of himself as a bad person - so he found a way to justify to himself why he did what he did. You gave him a nice opening by revealing your insecurities about your body, and he was like, "Yes! Exactly. This makes sense to her, so I'll tell her this is why I cheated," or maybe he told himself this when he was attracted to the OW. Either way, it's post facto justification *not* cause.

I agree with 3yrsout that he has his head way up his a** right now. Mine did too, and he replied to my questions with stupid and hurtful "honest" crap in the early months after dday that he eventually walked back, once he had his head upright again.

For now, try to stick to factual questions: when, where, what. Skip the hows and the whys (even though it's very natural to ask), because he really won't know until he's done a year or two of therapy. And don't beat yourself up about all this - many of us have walked in your shoes.

I know I may come off as weak and pathetic for loving and still wanting a man who cheated on me.
A lot of you are right, that they are no good reasons. Because I'm still struggling to understand why her and why now.

I will stop asking him certain questions as I'm just hurting myself at this point. From the information I already got, he said all I need to do to become a 10 again is to lose weight. Then he said I didn't need to lose weight for him to love me.

He admitted, when it comes to sexual stuff, he got bored. He said I got comfortable and things weren't exciting. He said if wore certain clothes and acted differently for sexy times when things would get better. I wished he got this realization before banging another woman.

Today I told my parents, so now 2 people now knows my husband cheated on me.

You are not weak or pathetic. I think most everyone here has initially tried to save their marriage, and many have succeeded. Your feelings right now are totally normal for the circumstances.

We're trying to make sure you don't fall victim to an incorrect mindset (again, that a lot of us have experienced). I'm glad you told your parents. I hope they're offering you the right kind of support and not blaming you for what happened.

He admitted, when it comes to sexual stuff, he got bored. He said I got comfortable and things weren't exciting. He said if wore certain clothes and acted differently for sexy times then things would get better. I wished he got this realization before banging another woman.

The first part is probably true (he got bored). The second part is inaccurate (that it's your responsibility to be more sexually attractive so he doesn't cheat again). He is the only one who can prevent himself from cheating again. Plenty of us get bored in the bedroom from time to time. We don't cheat on our spouses when that happens.

One way for you know if he's starting to think straight is if he ditches these narratives about your appearance and admits that he has weak boundaries and poor self-control, and that he's going to work on improving both.

Here’s my two cents.

I think everything was perfectly fine until he met the OW. They start talking. He’s interested. He starts comparing you to her. He starts to find reasons to become more interested in the OW.

And the cheaters will find any excuse to justify the affair.

By blaming the betrayed spouse or partner.

I am so angry for you. You KNOW that beauty is not on the scale or the tape measure. The AP is a piece of garbage and is a 0 out of 10 no matter her jeans size or weight. She’s ugly to the bone.

A few pounds does not change ones attractiveness. And even if it did — even if it did— it is NO REASON TO CHEAT.
And I am sorry but I think you will remember what he said every time you have sex for the next 20 years.

He is in a hole and keeps on digging. Please do no sell yourself short.

Have you looked into IC for you?

Your weight had nothing to do with it. My wife had an affair with a drug dealer. I was baffled why she chose him. The therepist said would it have mattered if he was a pillar of the community? I thought about it. No it would not of. Who they have the affair with has nothing to do with you. The affair partner is a thing. Like a new toy to them. The new toy makes them feel good about themselves. But it's cheaply made and soon loses its lustre. The toy comes in many shapes and sizes. But it needs two things. It needs to be willing to do something immoral and it needs to be convenient to do it. Thus the means and opportunity. Always remember the AP isn't better than you. They are just convenient and immoral.

TryingTBT,

Your weight or how you present yourself had zero to do with your husband cheating, zero.
Put it this way, if your husband came in from a rough day at work, exhausted, dirty, moody, stunk to high heaven of body odour would you not find him attractive and decide to cheat?.

Your husband saw an opportunity to put blame on you because he’s not man enough to accept responsibility for being a selfish POS.

Does your husband have friends?, since he’s sticking the knife in then why don’t you ask him if a couple of his friends would have a problem with your weight if you made yourself available to them?, I very much doubt it. He’s on his high horse girl, get up and knock him straight back down off it!, he’s not the prize here YOU are.
I’m overweight and I’m 200% certain I could walk right out of my house now and find a man to have sex with, it’s not hard believe me, your husband got lucky that some mentally unstable whore paid him a bit of attention and he drank from the toilet. That’s all.

He needs to go to therapy to get the pump removed from up his arse, when it’s dislodged you will see a change.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it’s hard, really hard but know this, your beautiful, fact.

Take good care of yourself and take one day at a time.

it’s not hard believe me, your husband got lucky that some mentally unstable whore paid him a bit of attention and he drank from the toilet. That’s all.

Well said!

I can understand loving your H, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

I think his 'trying' not to cheat again condemns him with his own words. He's saying he WILL cheat again.

To stay with him and be happy, what you need from him is a commitment to change from cheater to good partner.. What you're getting blame-shifting.

Taking him back without rigorous requirements for R will lead to rinsing and repeating one (at least) way or another. If he takes responsibility for himself, he may be worth keeping.

External beauty is skin deep.

It's also pretty stupid to chase external beauty. He may be gorgeous now, but in just a few years, he's going to be gorgeous for a man his age. That may attract beautiful younger women who want father figures or sugar daddies, but ... he may be too shallow for long term partnership.

Right now, I'd bet R would fail, if that's what you choose. He may - he probably has the ability to - become a good candidate for R, but he's not there yet.