SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Paternity test results came back today. OC is my WH's. :(

We are scheduled to see him today. We will start talking to OW about permanent plans and start getting things done legally.

(((bluestar2))) none of us forget the power of the day we got the positive paternity test. you've probably never seen me in here and i only stop by to read every now and then...really because i chose to leave instead of stay.

still, i remember the sound of the universe splitting in two that day...long after i though i'd come to expect it and was a tiny bit prepared. it might have been worse than dday in some ways, even though nothing could take away the pain of the A.

take care of you...you are the most important part of this equation right now...you are the one in need of the most understanding and support, and of whatever companionship, time or time alone you need.

((((bluestar))))

Hello everyone....

I am new!

I hope that I can be brutally honest and not feel attacked because of that!!

Here is my situation in a nut shell......

My husband (we were not married at the time but we were together for 4 years and had 2 children when he began the affair) cheated and had an long term affair that resulted in a child....

We have been together for 18 years and have six children together...

Most painful part.... he created a child (No DNA test but its more then likely his)

Another hard issue,..... we have all boys and the OC is a girl.....

we had 3 children before the OC and 3 after....

Husband has not been in her life much..... too hard to deal with....

Husband did sign birth certificate and was a part of child's life for first 10 months and then at age 3 years old, 5 years old and 8 years old .... each time lasted about 3 to 5 months before I could no longer deal emotionally and told husband I didnt want him to have anymore contact.....

Recently, Sept 2012, I decided that since the OC would be attending the same school as two of our sons, I would try to deal with this again.....

she has been here every weekend from Sept 2012 until the beginning of March 2013.... it's taking its toll on me and I've decided I want to be fair so instead of sending her packing again....

We decided every other weekend would work better.....

OC is 11 years old!!!

I wish I never suggested we do this again!!! I wish she was never born!!! I wish affair never happened!!!

[This message edited by inpain71 at 3:51 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

inpain71, I tried to respond to your pm, but you seem to have disabled your private messaging feature.

The positive paternity test came in the mail. Along with all the other documents for child support and health insurance, ugh! I'm not dealing well. We are NC, but its not just for my own benefit. I know I could not be good to this child. My children are my life and my WH has created a little bastard that threatens the stability of their future.

I know I sound like a horrible person, and maybe I am, but I don't see how ANYTHING "good" can come from the A.

We are in R, and we were making progress, but just seeing his name along with the OW's and OC's on those documents ripped open all the only wounds, maybe worse then dday.

He is sleeping on the couch, something I never made him do before and I'm just about ready to give up.does it ever actually get better? Is there anything special about this "marriage"? I'm not sure it can even be called that anymore.

My WH does not understand why this has caused such a backslide, I'm not even sure why, I thought I was prepared for this.

SurvivngAlone, sorry I didn't see your post. As I understand it, this is a really common reaction to the positive paternity test. Please know that with a remorseful spouse, this can pass and yes, it can an does get better. This December it will be 6 years since we got affirmation that OC was my FWH's biological child.

We have been through a lot since then, (you can see from my profile) but it was all worth it. Sadly, the fact the my husband gathered a child with the person he cheated on me with is our nee normal, but we are also NC (completely) and our daughter's life is undoubtedly better because of it, as is OC's.

The lawyer told my WH today that the child support wouldn't be lowered any more, so there really isnt any reason to contest it. Problem... idk how we are going to pay our bills. We are stretched as thin as possible right now. No extra money, and already borrowing money from my parents on a monthly basis. How do I forgive him for this, I can't even support my children. Now we have to pay her hundreds of dollars every month while she sits at home on her ass. She lives off of child support from her other two children and the income of her new boyfriend (her best friends soon to be ex husband lol), while me and my WH have to work full time jobs. I was always told that marriage was hard but I never thought it could be this bad. I thought this type of stuff happened to bad people, but they seem to be the ones reaping the benefits.

I'm sorry SurvivingAlone, I remember feeling like that exactly. Now I look at it as a monthly payment to keep her away from us (awful, I know).

We live very, very frugally, but we are lucky in that OW works, unlike so many I have hard of here. My FWH is currently unemployed (and attending the local college), so CS is currently minimal, but I know it will be sky rocketing once he works. It is one of THE very most difficult things to get past.

I know the board is slow today, so if you want to pm me for support, feel free.

We are sitting down with the OW to make a custody plan for the OC's first year this weekend. Anyone have any suggestions of what we should ask for? We know we want equal custody at some point but we don't know when that is appropriate. We don't know how soon to ask for overnights and not sure how else to increase time with him without having that. Currently we see him two hours on two of the week days (tues, thurs) and and 4-6 hours each weekend day. We bottle feed him when he is with us and feed him milk she pumped and have been doing this since he was 3 weeks old. He is currently 8 weeks old. Anyone have any advice or things we should consider? We would be happy to have him with us all the time but that isn't an option. We also have an 11 month old daughter who we need to keep in mind.

Bluestar

Sorry for the late response how did the parenting plan go?

I have been MIA (and even when I am not MIA I am still kinda MIA to everyone here because I don't post much). I have just seen Bluestar, Surviving Alone and inpain71's updates.

How is everyone doing?

Bluestar2, how has it been going? Did you all get a plan set and figured out? I am in a contact arrangement (opposed to NC) so if you would like any advice or anything feel free to ask. And there are many ladies on here who are contact as well who can offer you sage advice.

Surviving Alone, as Want2Help said, it does get easier. Even if there is contact, it gets easier. I can't speak for a NC arrangement, but with a contact arrangement, there are MANY triggers that you must contend with, WS having to talk to OW (or communicate in anyway), to seeing WS with the OC, to feeling responsible for a child who is the result of what is probably the most emotionally painful experience you've ever been to. And for me there was A LOT of ambivalence... toward WS, toward the OC, toward the OW. It can be very emotionally draining ESPECIALLY if you do not have anyone to turn to, or feel like no one understands. Fortunately for me I had this forum and a few really good friends who never judged me for any of the horrible things I may have felt/thought/said, or for staying in the relationship.

inpain71, you know I had to get acclimated to the idea of the oc before I could even think about having her in my home regularly. So I looked at pictures of her often, and put the picture of her and my WS up in my home. This was theraputic for me (kinda like shock therapy... lol) in that it forced me to just accept and get used to OC. Of course having her in my home was totally different from having a picture of her, but because of the stretch between visitation I think having the pictures up help with my emotional state. There are be several weeks between visits, then we have her for several weeks at a time, so I do think having the pictures there ALL the time, helped me to not have to make so many emotional adjustments everytime.

My opinion is that everyone has to find a way to cope with this new reality (especially if reconcillation/continuing the relationship is the goal). you can't run away from it, you must find a way to cope with it. It has been 4 years for me and I have come a very long way, but I had to go through and do some very uncomfortable things to get to this point. When I would do things with and for the OC that were definitely not required of me in any way and friends would say "wow, I don't think I could do what you are doing" I used the analogy of getting into a pool. Its cold and you'll never get comfortable with the temperature of the water until you immerse yourself into the pool. caring for the OC and doing for her and being around her was my immersion and I think that, along with my WS being totally remorseful and accepting of my process, is why I am where I am today emotionally.

I pray for healing for all of us. I know its hard, but we will all be completely healed one day... and stronger for it!

Masks: We met with OW but didn't really get anywhere. Just that she wanted us to look at research of what is developmentally appropriate. I don't think there is any research for our situation. The OC isn't just going between mom and dad. He's going between mom and a family(WH, me and a sister).

She seems pretty reasonable but I don't like not knowing what the future will be like. We are going to make a plan for his first year based on what we would like and what we feel like would be adequate time to bond with him and help make he feel like a part of our family. She brought up child support which we knew was coming but the emotional side of me has a hard time giving her money for what she did. She makes twice as much as my WH. She will probably have to pay us someday but I would be happier to keep money out of it. We also want to put him on our health insurance because it would be free for us to add him. Not sure how she will feel about that but it makes the most sense financially for all of us.

We should be meeting again sometime in the next few weeks. We still have OC about 14-16 hours per week and want to continue to increase.

(((Bluestar))) Sorry I have also been MIA...school has been very stressful along with work.

In our state even if the OW made twice as much as my fwh, he would still have to pay her if she has more than 51% of the time. Just be prepared.

Things here have been quiet. And I'm not complaining! My fwh finally paid off the arrears (2 of our tax returns got intercepted but I don't care, that chapter is over!) so that's great--his CS will decrease because that's paid off. This will affect the OW in the next month, so we will see if the silence continues. Gosh I hope so!

Hope everyone is doing well. For those who just saw the positive, it's ok to feel upset, anger, etc. It's like a whole 'nother D-Day.

I had a grat day with WH, OC,and our daughter today. We had him for 9 hours today which is the longest we have had him so far. It felt nice to be able to enjoy him without having to rush through it.

We had our daughters 1 year pics today and included OC in them. They are adorable together. Many pieces of this are hard but I love OC and will not blame him for the choices his parents made. That being said, I totally support anyone who choses to have no contact. Only you know what you can and can't live with.

We received the positive paternity test last week. This was also my DDay because my husband does not remember conceiving this child (it was a ONS and he was drunk). I believed it didn't happen because some things didn't add up (and still don't). Of course the test doesn't lie. It makes me want to die to know that my 4 week old is not my husband's only child. I'm not sure if my husband wants contact with the OC or not. I'm not going to keep him for the OC but I don't think I'm going to be happy with it if he does.

The worst thing I feel is that I wish ill will towards this OC. I also hope that the OW meets a man who wants to adopt this child as my husband says he will sign over his rights if this is the case. He will never have a great relationship with this child because he and the OC live 10 hours apart. Every other weekend wouldn't be possible, we can't afford for him to get a hotel out there plus pay CS. It makes me sick that he has to pay CS on this child too. I know he should because OC is half of his responsibility but I hate it because it's taking money away from my daughter.

I don't want to feel so much negativity towards the OC but I can't seem to stop myself from feeling it.

I come back from my absence with terrible news. I have been breaking down in tears for the past few hours

Since 2007, support for OC has been at the same rate. In 2010, either OW or my husband could have asked for a modification hearing, but neither did. This April she decided to ask for an increase....

She got it......BIG TIME. We are STUNNED. There are so many points of contention that I don't even know where to start to list them. They assessed me at full-time employment for minimum wage. Except for a two week job this past October, I've been a SAHM for at least the past decade. Our youngest three children are on the autism spectrum, so I devote much time into helping them. Now OW lives with her boyfriend, who is a contractor ...but because they aren't married, his income doesn't matter to the CO or judge at all.

While H has steadily gotten pay raises over the years, she went and took a LOWER paying job then she used to have. She had/has two other support orders for her two other children with her two ex-husbands....they don't factor that in at all either, even though this order notes that her "other obligations" include one other child (even though she has two). It says for our 6 children that the new amount of ordered support would have been $140 higher if not for them. So they think that $140 difference takes care of SIX kids????

They mentioned our tax return and what we received in EIC for that! She specifically did not bring her return. They're basing H's current income on the fact that overtime used to be available at his job. The company hasn't had any overtime for the past 10 weeks and most likely will not again, because his boss had spoken about wanting to do away with it.

They went ahead and immediately garnished the new determination (with an arrears amount of $750+ even though support has been paid steadily ) : our net income to work with right now, to raise our six children off of is $660 for two weeks Meanwhile, the bitchwhore just got $258 from us for these two weeks! WHERE is the justice??? I have NO idea how we're going to pay our bills. Our kids have end of year school events that they'll need money for. Our son's 7th birthday is in less than two weeks...I don't see how we're going to be able to do what he has his heart set on

I don't know where else to turn right but to start here. Just when I was very much healed, the adultery comes back to haunt us with a vengeance

I am so, so sorry, sparkle. We have been there, believe me.

When the paternity test came back, I was 6 months pregnant, my FWH had just began a new job (we had both been laid off when our employer went under). The CS order was final before FWH got his first pay check, and when he brought his paycheck home he was crying: $330. Our rent alone was well more than double that (luckily I had unemployment).

I went back to school, and after being laid off a second time, my FWH decided to enter a local vocational training program (it will take over 2 years for the degree).

OW's child support has been reduced since then, despite her taking a lower paying job to get to spend more time with her newest OC, but my FWH just had to take a part time job in order to pay his CS for OC. We will barely see a dime of the money, and we will no longer get to spend time with my FWH on weekends. We will live on my scholarship $$$ while he supports OC.

Just makes me

My head is still spinning. We keep being told that this new judgment makes no sense~ not to our family, our friends or our lawyer. To illustrate~ OW's first XH's order for their D was around $300 per month....he has no other children and went back to living with his parents. OW's 2nd H was ordered at around $200 per month, he has one other child from a previous relationship. HOW is it being figured that my H now has to pay over $500 per month??

I came to terms with the fact of having to pay support to her long ago, but now 6 years pass, she gets a sudden increase of over $300 per month. It's like she just won the damn lottery while we feel raped. Something I want to clarify about what we received from the tax returns~ it isn't just the fact that they're counting the EIC, they also said they are using our child tax credit. So, because of how many kids we have, they are now using THAT as reason that more money should go to her. How is that right? How can they do that?

They say that the determinations aren't biased against either parent...this is completely biased.

Can you appeal?

Almost 3 years ago OW was set to get an increase to almost $600 a month for CS, plus half of her $500+ a month childcare (my FWH was making around $13 an hour at the time, and paying CS for his adult COM from his X and this would have KILLED us).

As soon as the judgement came in, FWH appealed. They had an over-the-phone hearing (we've moved since the A). We had ONE COM, OW was pregnant with a new OC.

Long story short, entirely different child support judge, and a mediator on the phone with them both. The decision came in: $179. No childcare. That is IT.

OW had taken a $3 an hour and 10 hour a week pay cut to spend more time with her new H, and the CS judge put HER in at her old wages and hours because she was capable of making that. FWH had taken a $5 an hour and 10 hour a week pay cut due to the economy, and they used that fact to lessen his child support.

Please, find out if you can appeal. Having a different "judge" can make all the difference in the world.

We're appealing this week and have an appointment with the lawyer tomorrow. I'm so worried that all she will tell us is that unless we can afford to pay another fee, then we are back to on our own again.

OW did take an obvious pay cut~ her net income is somehow about $200 less than it was 8 years ago. Yet since my H has stayed at the same job and gotten yearly increases, that's one reason they want to take more now. OW once said to us that she's "sorry [we] think that [our] COM don't deserve more than poverty level, but [OC] does and 'he' will get it as long as [she] is breathing"....yeah, by taking this opportunity to profit off of H's income!

We'll also be talking to the lawyer tomorrow about how to get harassment charges filed because OW is starting up with the nasty and domineering emails and texts again. I'm long past fed up.