SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Walloped, you've obviously learned some stuff about who your wife is that you didn't know before. You know more about her now than you did before.

Can she say the same about you? Has your response to all of this revealed stuff about you that she didn't know before? I'm betting it has. Ask her.

It's a process of discovery for both of you.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:20 PM, September 27th (Sunday)]

if she was happy and the kids were happy, then you were happy.

wk55hn - Yes. I used to joke about this. That if my wife is happy, I'm happy, but if my wife is unhappy then I'm miserable. It was definitely not linear.

MWNN - No, I don't think so. Those were her excuses, that she used to justify the affair. But that doesn't mean they weren't real issues. She wasn't laying blame for the affair on me, if that's what you're asking.

W, what is the path from where you are now to being able to talk with your wife without having this sort of reaction? Do you think you can figure out on your own what the trigger is and how to work around it? Discussions with your wife? IC? MC? Passage of time?

In any case you were able to expose to her the big things on your mind - How far would things have gone if she hadn't gotten caught? Why should you believe it won't happen again? (And the mother of all questions: Why should you ever believe anything she says?) The fact that you were able to lay these out at all, and that she demonstrated that these are the questions she is also struggling with, is a good sign IMO.

My marriage wasn't perfect. It was boring. BORING. That was my fault AND HER FAULT. I didn't think about it, it's not like I woke up everyday and said "my marriage is really boring." There always was stuff going on, we always went out, often as a family and not enough alone together, we had sex, we had minor differences in opinion, but we agreed with all major things. My wife was in the same marriage and did nothing about it, either. She didn't think about it, either, just woke up everyday completely happy (? - definitely not unhappy) and did it. UNTIL ... THEN ... other man dropped in her lap.

Other man did not straight on hit on her, proposition, even show he was interested. My wife would have turned her down. But other man worked through her interests, then played the game, then showed interest, then showed "look, we have so much alike, we have same interests." Other man pursued my wife very briefly, about a couple of weeks, then, after that, MY WIFE PURSUED other man. She was hooked. IT IS NOT COMPLICATED. It made her feel good, she was selfish, she didn't think I'd get caught, she took me for granted. My wife tried to delete but didn't do it right, so I found all the messages.

My wife was not planning on leaving me. She was living day to day being happy about "in love" with the other man. She never said it in so much words, but she had relegated me to "love you but not in love with you." I was her husband, the rock, dependable, faithful, and in that sense only respected me, but she was IN LOVE with the other man. Same questions you are asking, would she have left at some point in the future? What if? Like I said, all our lives are timing and circumstances to some degree.

OK, point is that your marriage is your fault AND her fault. I was always the leader and my wife was the follower, nothing ever said about that between us, but I could see that's how it was. So maybe it was more my fault about the boring marriage. I courted her, romanced her, then at some point in the marriage that didn't happen as often - career, kids, responsibilities took us away from the focus on us as much as maybe we should have. By the same token, stuff she had done special "just for me" went by the wayside a bit, also, for the same things. And I can tell you 100%, other women DID drop in my lap and I turned it down cold. But my wife, when it happened, didn't turn it down, she let the guy get in.

If you do reconcile, you should fix up the marriage, whatever is lacking or not right or "less than" it should be, fix it if you can. If you reconcile.

Wal,

if you go to my postings I had talked about this...

"we need to work together if we want to address the issues that we had in our marriage",

as it was stated before and we here picked up on this. Besides "not helping her with the wedding" what other issues?

i have other things but it seems I need to just do one at time to help you and her with this situation.

Communication is the key here Wal. if you want to R you two have to talk!!

W says - 'exhausting brunch'

*sigh*

How was the food?

Or, of course, there is always, 'Besides that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the theatre show?"

Hmmm….

If she‘s associating ANY action you did or did not do to her decision to cheat AND if she’s thinking that you should have done or not done that action… then she has a long way to go. Her decision to cheat is totally 100% within her and one of the key factors in total recovery is when you both accept that.

But then that’s already a known fact. You BOTH have a long way to go.

We can’t logically expect her to be “recovered” right away.

One of the goals in MC is that she feels comfortable enough in your relationship to come to you and let you know what she needs.

One of the goals of IC is that she realizes and recognizes true validation, as opposed to validation offered cheaply.

Walloped – in a sense you two are moving too fast… (Didn’t expect that from me did you…).

You two are self-MCing.

Go to a pro!

I really like the ideas of doing things together that really don’t require a lot of communications. Walks, go to the gym, a movie, theater…

1. People are suggesting to do something. If you feel like you're putting a square peg into a circle hole, then don't push it.

2. She is asking you to help her regardless of your marital status as a form of manipulation. It is appealing to your white knight. Frankly, it's so fucked up that I feel she is asking this via the suggestion of a third party. It feels very, ummm, maybe antiseptic? Melodramatic maybe?

How appropriate that my 6000th post is a Bible reference:

“If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.”

Matthew 15:13-14

Like I suggest; get professional help.

So, more comments on "not helping with the wedding" as a problem with the marriage that may have been implicated in the affair. Maybe it's time to just take these off the table? If she had enough time to carry on a busy volunteering schedule AND an affair with POS she could not possibly have been all that stressed out by the wedding plans. If she just wanted W to be more involved on account of who knows what she could have said something. To the extent that this was a factor, it only serves as an indicator of exactly how totally broken MrsW is.

I find it really odd that both your IC and your WW are saying that you aren't doing enough. You went on a trip to clear your head, you moved out for a while then moved back, you set up IC for both of you and the kids, you're posting here. WTF? It's only been 8 weeks. My therapist said that many people are seriously still in shock for 3 to 4 months. I don't think I REALLY got the enormity of it all until 6 months or so. I would have lost my shit even more if WH even remotely suggested that I move along faster. And he was smart enough to keep his trap closed.

I think activities are good for you guys. Sometimes it will work out. Sometimes it will be an epic disaster (avoid alcohol - I made some ugly scenes).

I think most of the people giving guidance here are men. I'll tell you, as another SAHM who put up with more shit than I should have for the same reason, she is terrified of having to return to work. And that is selfish. You're still the provider, her rock. And that's why she never really considered leaving. She was cake-eating. I still see a lot of selfish, immature behavior on her part. WSs just make me shake my head.

Wise words Bigger and HoP.

I told her that I'd like to start MC in a while but want to spend more time working through things in IC and want to see what the results of the poly were. She agreed.

And then she said that she can't even imagine how difficult this must be for me and she knows there's really nothing she can do to really make this up to me, but be the best person and wife and mother she can possibly be. But regardless, she just wanted to let me know how grateful and appreciative she is to me that I'm willing to try and be there for her and while I may not care how she feels about what I'm doing she at least wanted me to know that she is, and she wants to reciprocate when I'm ready and be there for me in every way possible.

We left it at that. Most exhausting brunch ever.

You know what I call this? Progress.

And while I understand you want more IC IMHO you don't need it. Your wife does.

Maybe you feel you need the IC for the trauma you have experienced and that is understandable.

But the only person that can tell you if you will be able to trust your wife again is yourself.

And that takes time.

And Bigger is right. Your wife has to own the infidelity 100%.

Especially if there truly were no issues wrong within the marriage.

You are doing great. Get the test done and put that event behind you.

HM

Walloped, ­

Just a couple of things,­

About been scared, I totally get it but ­IMO feeling safe is a matter of percepti­on, she betrayed you when least you expe­cted. It is the same thing for airplanes­ (you feel safe knowing that is just a t­hin piece of metal and plastic that keep­s you away from frizzing and being witho­ut air not considering falling down…well­ you get the idea. It is only perception­, nothing more. IMO you will never feel ­safe until you give her a little trust, ­I now is hard, I know this may be not th­e moment, but consider that you can alwa­ys come up with something to not trust h­er!

You are adamant about her fixing herself­, understanding what happened and what a­llowed her to did it. She did it because­ she felt entitled; she rewrote her marr­iage in her head to justify the affair. ­There is nothing wrong with her otherwis­e why it took so long for her to have an­ affair? I am sorry but you/she won’t ge­t a scientific explanation of why she di­d it, no external forces, no midlife cri­sis, not magic powers and not extraterre­strial influences. In my book nothing th­at won’t be admissible in court is going­ to justify what she has done as an exte­rnal cause. She did it because she wante­d it and that’s all, then she felt for t­he guy and couldn’t stop something that ­was supposed to be a little fun on the s­ide. The sooner you accept it the sooner­ you can leave it behind even for D or R­.

Accept what she did and that she did it ­because she wanted, accept that she is t­he same person you married, accept that ­she is trying because you are in pain an­d is forcing herself to have feeling for­ you again and finally accept that there­ is not any IC in the world that can cha­nge who we are just make us a better ver­sion of our own selves.

Last thing, you need to give her chance ­to prove herself. I have no idea how you­ should do it less that defeat your fear­.

Notice that your fear, IMO, is doing mor­e than just holding you back to try to R­ but holding you from the person you hav­e become out of her affair. Infidelity change us…­

It's only been 8 weeks. My therapist said that many people are seriously still in shock for 3 to 4 months. I don't think I REALLY got the enormity of it all until 6 months or so.

I generally agree with all this sentiment regarding the time required for us BS to heal. I recognize that every situation is different... I was in shock for 8 months; took me the balance of two years from DDay to understand WTH happened; then almost another year (until now) to put it all in perspective and be okay and even grateful for what happened.

No one can know what we BS go through, unless they've gone through it themselves--not our kids, our WWs, our parents, our siblings, any relatives... NO ONE, no matter how much they love you and support you, can truly understand. I know now that I only WATCHED my mother go through her shock and trauma; only now do I truly understand. My sister was a God-send; I don't know what I would have done without her support. At the same time, I know she can't truly understand, either.

I think you are doing amazingly well. None of us asked to be put into this situation, did we?

My guidance is to keep doing what you need to do for YOUR recovery. D or R, your recovery is critical. Be gentle with yourself and take time for your healing. Don't be rushed by anyone.

Blessings, LA

I concur.

Fuck what everyone else is telling you to do. You have been emasculated and controlled for the past five months. The way you're going to heal is when you throw the finger to the rest of the world the finger and tell them you're doing what you think you have to to protect you and your kids. You'll heal when you figure out that your wife is merely a detail that needs to be settled, and if it happens to be R or D then sobeit.

Your enemy is 20+ years of being too content. Being codependent. Settling for life. The pain you feel is the necessary (and positive, if you approach it that way) metamorphosis from hibernating and kinda-content dude to The Man Who Takes Shit From No one and Fuck You If You Think I Am Going To Copromise.

You'll heal when you look at your wife and think "my path is awesome, is she the optimal person for me to invite along for the ride" and if the answer is no, then it's not really a big deal.

You see, the marriage used to be a big deal but she unilaterally ended it. You are no longer married, take your ring off and throw it away. That bond will never, ever, ever exist again. It's your choice along if you simply feel like going through the pan of building a new bond with this particular female. You'll always know that there are other females out there who may not know you as well, but who would never, ever do what she did to you. Ever. This will be your decision, the mere selection process of picking the optimal mate, which the old you is still hanging onto because you thought that this process was over and buried.

Just live how you want to live. Lock yourself in a room with your youngest and play Lego Dimensions all day.

(Wait a minute, that's what I did yesterday :) )

You are no longer married, take your ring off and throw it away.

Not good advice. I think that ring symbolizes a great deal to Walloped.

While his wife's actions were hurtful and could possibly end their marriage I believe W has shown great character, strength, compassion and devotion to his marriage as well as his family.

And while his wife is going through therapy to understand who she is and why she chose to enter into an affair I truly believe her choices had nothing to do with their marriage nor Walloped personally.

My wife could at anytime choose to hurt me. I still wouldn't take off my ring.

It defines me and my commitment to myself, my marriage and my family.

Walloped has all the time in the world to make these life altering decisions.

Don't rush him.

HM

Yup. That ring represented a union between two people. She unilaterally chose to end that union.

Period.

And it has everything to do with Wallup no matter what you 'I truly believe' junk says. It was his wife. She, as a fully functional adult, decided to take on a boyfriend and effectively replace a large portion of what marriage is.

No matter how much pie in the sky crap people want to spout, nobody is doing the poor dude any favors by insulting him with platitudes.

You might call it insults.

Others call it encouragement.

To each his own.

*sigh*

How was the food?

Walloped, TRUST YOUR GUT. IMHO, it has served you well so far & sound advice from Bigger-Post 6000. Prayers for courage and strength the next 2 days.