SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

worn down,

I think what Kimichi was saying was that there were some people who openly called out Spaceghost as a troll. Kimichi didn't call him a troll, others did. of course, I disagree with those who feel he is one.

I agree with you that very few BS come here guns blazing asking about immediate divorce but that makes Kimichi's statement valid. That was exactly the point she was making is that for very few, it is an automatic dealbreaker right now and I agree that there are many people who are eager to jump right into reconciliation even before the cheating is over.

That's why I agree with Kimichi.

That being said, I am not sure what any of it has to do with Walloped right now. Nor the stats.

At the risk of a t/j -

No, Kimichi is saying MEN are more willing to want to reconcile than WOMEN when they first find out(see quote below, empahsis mine). And that is just wrong.

Just read the men and women posts on this JFFO forum..More women seem inclined to file for divorce than men if it comes to it. There are men like Walloped that make an informed choice after thorough deliberation. And there are the rest of the crowd that are literally scared to leave their wife. They take pride in their codependency. They actually forgive the wife without her even asking for it.

first of all, I thought there were a few who called him out as not being real or doubting his story (not necessarily the word 'Troll' though the meaning of it). I know of one for certain because I remember it clear as day, and I have a lot of respect for that poster btw but simply disagree. However, I could care less either way whether it was one or five. The point of the matter is it happened and unfortunately I don't have time to go back and research it.

I agree that it is good that SG carved out his own path, as it is good for Walloped. It would be hard to find someone who respects SG more than me here but I am just one in a big fan club. His carving out his own path was good. So I am not sure what the disagreement is here

[This message edited by Western at 1:51 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

can I thread jack the thread jack?

I thought Spaceghost was a catphish for a while. The longer his story went on, I came back to believing him to be real again. But yeah, I'm on record for having had my doubts for a while.

I think I've seen some phishing here on SI.

When did this post derail from being support for Walloped into a marriage/infidelity statistics debate?

I think the other participants in this thread are in basically the same position as W - more information required to drive productive thought; in the absence of more information, it's easy to get the wheels spinning.

[This message edited by Foley05 at 2:00 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

Worndown this is what Kimichi said

"It is disturbing(to me) to see how many men are ok if their wife did cheat but as long as she is willing to return back to him once the affair is exposed.

This is not some kind of dig at anyone or particularly Walloped. Maybe it is a coincidence but these last few months I this theme in 95% of the posts on SI or any other forum that I visit. Is there a significant attitude shift in society regarding infidelity ? Maybe men are getting used to it. But the fact is that infidelity is no longer the deal breaker that it usually is. It is just another relationship problem now. "

Again, I agree with Kimichi here as far as this description of behavior because I have witnessed it with my own eyes. No I haven't sat here and done a statistical analysis of who is more willing to rugsweep or immediately forgive (between men and women) but I have seen it from a huge number of new male posters here. A huge number and I too find it worrisome. Yes, there are some women posters who fits this bill too. The #'s ?? If someone is bored enough to find out, please research it.

However, you yourself state 'the rest of the crowd are literally scared to leave their wife" and "they actually forgive their wife without her evena sking for forgivenes" which seems to validate Kimichi's point to an extent.

And guess what ?????? I agree wholeheartedly with you too.

So it seems like we are hung up on numbers and not the points in principle. I wish I had time to delve.

My point here is done. However, if anyone disagrees, feel free to PM me so we stay on point in this thread

[This message edited by Western at 2:04 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

Fellow posters, Kimichi did bring up a very interesting point. I also have strong opinions on that. Maybe this topic should be moved to GENERAL, so we all can debate it. Let's not burden Walloped with all this. Let's save this thread to support him.

Any news on the poly? Probably going on now. Hoping for the best!

However, you yourself state 'the rest of the crowd are literally scared to leave their wife" and "they actually forgive their wife without her evena sking for forgivenes" which seems to validate Kimichi's point to an extent

.

Western -

Just to clarify, I did not make those quotes - those were Kimichi's.

And no, I do not agree with them. Her statement was that (IHO, recently) most men that are in JFO, are "codependent," "scared to leave their wives" and basically sniveling snits, while women are not. (See her quotes below and I'll highlight the relevant passages, so as not to be taking her out of context.)

Again, even a scanning of the JFO posts shows that not to be the case. In fact, she even makes this statement as applicable to ALL forums, including SI.

If you can't see that she is making blanket statements about how men vs women react to infidelity, well...

It is disturbing(to me) to see how many men are ok if their wife did cheat but as long as she is willing to return back to him once the affair is exposed.

This is not some kind of dig at anyone or particularly Walloped. Maybe it is a coincidence but these last few months I this theme in 95% of the posts on SI or any other forum that I visit. Is there a significant attitude shift in society regarding infidelity ? Maybe men are getting used to it. But the fact is that infidelity is no longer the deal breaker that it usually is. It is just another relationship problem now.

Spaceghost(?) who actually divorced his wife is called a troll because to most members, the story is unbelievable.

mike7,

Just read the men and women posts on this JFFO forum. More women seem inclined to file for divorce than men if it comes to it. There are men like Walloped that make an informed choice after thorough deliberation. And there are the rest of the crowd that are literally scared to leave their wife. They take pride in their codependency. They actually forgive the wife without her even asking for it.

Anyway, this is a threadjack.. So I will stop here

[This message edited by WornDown at 4:59 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

Hi. Work crisis had me MIA, and the scheduled poly didn't help matters, so sorry. I'm going to read your posts and then respond / update.

W, the last few pages were a discussion about generalizations and infidelity/gender/willingness to reconcile statistics.

What about YOU, how are you doing?

WornDown,

We normally agree on everything so we're allowed to disagree once in a while. I didn't take her comments in the same context. I just agreed with the comment on how too many of the new guy posters are willing to forgive too fast and appear weak and take too much abuse. I do agree with you that I don't see a large difference between how men and women react for the most part in the initial stages of JFO. I too scanned the new threads over the last month and there are too many examples of this 'save the marriage at all costs, even if I get screwed' mentality.. It's saddening. I also think too many people don't follow through with their own threads.

I am really glad that Walloped has.

But hey, as I said, we'll agree to disagree on this one point an move on. This thread is going into a direction that is taking away from Walloped.

BTW Worndown, I do think you are one of the best posters here.

[This message edited by Western at 8:55 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

Walloped, you said the scheduled poly didn't hep matters.

I am curious in your follow up what happened ?

Strength !!

Western - Sorry. I wasn't clear. I had an unexpected work crisis (and am actually still working via VDI) and taking off for 1/2 day for the poly today was just horrible timing. Plus the stress around the poly just piled in to a whole bunch of work stress.

Anyway, she passed all four questions.

There wasn't any parking lot confession. I asked her again beforehand if there's anything else she wanted to tell me. She said just that she tried being as honest as possible even though it's made her sound really horrible and caused me so much more pain and that she can't say enough how sorry she is. So we went.

I had discussed changing some of the questions with the poly examiner based on comments here. They were more specific.

1) Regarding her relationship with POS, I had supplied a listing of information based on her replies. Is the information contained true and accurate and not missing key details about their relationship? Answer: Yes. Pass.

2) I provided a list of times she was in contact with POS post DDay. Beyond those times, has she had any contact with POS through any medium, whether directly or through another individual? Answer: No. Pass.

3) During her initial 21 minute conversation with POS post DDay when he asked her to leave me for him, did she at any point then, or since, seriously consider leaving me? Answer: No. Pass.

4) Except for your husband and POS, have you ever engaged in any kind of sexual activity with anyone else during your marriage? Answer: No. Pass.

Her response to the whole thing today was basically that she hopes it helps me but recognizes that it doesn't really change anything. She still did what she did and she still betrayed me and I'm still in pain. That this was more of a - if she failed we're in even more trouble, but passing means we still have to deal with all this. So, she wasn't happy or anything. More relieved for my sake. Me? I haven't had the time to think about it process it. Just writing it here is more matter of fact and not emotional.

what did your mom mean when she said that she never did like your wife? Was it "let's be reactionary and protect my son" or has she never really had "favored Daughter-in-law" status?

Eric - it was mom being my mom. She can't really say nice things about anyone unless it's used to illustrate how my brother or I don't measure up. She was piling on cause my wife was the clear bad one here more than me. However, things she said since: "so what did you do? You must've done something. No woman just cheats on her husband without a good reason." And crap like that. I generally let it all go through one ear and out the other and don't pay it any attention.

Very good that she was honest , I wish u and ur family all the happiness .

:)

W - keep the wife; lose the mom.

So glad the Polly worked out for you. Have followed your posts from day 1. Lots of 2x4's some were 4x8's. Needed, but you got them. Wish you nothing but the best moving forward, and for the record, I wish I had the 2x4'x and the 4x8's.

Still with my WW, has been a bumpy road, no break in NC, but WW cant just throw-up the story. (Liar syndrome) We are both in IC and MC. I may actually use your list of questions with your permission and some modifications of course.

All the best.

NWAWW

I never liked the question "were you considering leaving me". Nearly every wayward would never consider leaving their spouse until it comes time to leave their spouse.

And even then they is usually pie in the sky reasoning as to why they 'had to'.

You are a guy who may benefit from structure, have you considered a post-nup?

I said it earlier in this thread..and I will say it again(though I was called crazy for suggesting it before)...I think your WW is truly remorseful..and I think asking her to become a member here on SI would be very beneficial for her. And you.

This is something I never do...I never recommend a BS tell their WS about SI. But..I don't think your WW is a typical WW.

K Walloped,

So you have broken camp on the plateau you have been dwelling on.

You have done inventory. You have made sure your boots are water-proofed. You have counted the tent-pegs for the umpteenth time. You have poured even more water on the embers to make sure the camp-fire is out.

It’s time to continue the hike…

You won’t really know how high that mountain is or how to tackle those slopes until they get closer…