SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Cat, our situations are very similar. OC was born at the end of March also and we have not heard a word. Neither of us has spoken to OW since late August. Hopefully we won't hear from her but I feel like she's out there waiting to make a move once reality sets in for her. My H never mentions her or OC and it really doesn't seem to have effected his daily life. I think about it all the time, why is that?

Cat and hurtntoomuch:

In my case OW initially said she would raise the OC herself. After six months she contacted my H and asked for "help". After two years she was weary of the occassional "help" and went all out for a court ordered CS requirement. I think she was getting a bit dismayed by that time that my H wasn't agreeing to be a father to her bastard.

As you know, I was unaware of all of this until many years later (actually one month before the final CS payment was due). H concealed all this shit for reasons already mentioned in here.

Point is, don't hold your breath indefinitely....OW can change her mind at any time and come after your H for support. Sucks, doesn't it?

It's a gamble to take action and a gamble to take no action. It is better though, in my opnion, to take action.

When the whore said she was pregnant by H in Jan '05', I began preparing myself in everyway for this traumatic event. The OW can pursue cs at anytime. If it turns out your H is the father, the judge could order retroactive cs.

Also, if you already have children, you need to take action and get your cs first.

Get a lawyer immediately and find out what can happen if H is the father. If ow pursues cs, it can be devestating to your household.

Also, if a whore has the nerve to get pregnant by H, you want to know for sure. You never want to wonder and worry in the future if it is true. If you die before H, and leave everthing to H; then H dies. The Ow can for her child get some of what belongs to you. You want to make sure that you know if the oc is your H, so that you take whatever legal precaution you need to take.

just a couple questions for anyone who knows? can the h file for a court ordered paternity test himself or do we have to wait on her? is there anything legal about abolishing parental rights? agirlfriend of mine was in the same situation i was in and he had asked ow to sign an agreement that she wouldn't come after him for any kind of support b/c he wanted her to have an abortion and he offered to pay.the ow tookhis $600 and didn't speak to him until two years later when she filed for cs. he took her to court to give up his parental rights and they gave it to him b/c of the letter and his check stub. i think there is a little more to the story but i didn't press her.unfortunately my dumbass doesn't have any thing like that but they have both admitted to him offering our tax return money to help her get an abortion.she's been threatening cs for the past 3 months but can't seem to get around to it.i keep telling my husband that the longer she waits the more back pay she'll get but i'm not sure how legal that is either. anyway i have got him to write a will and a living trust b/c he's in the military and if he dies she might sue me for child support.can she do that if there was never a paternity test done? please help me with these questions anyone and also feel free to put anything else you think might be useful.

I sent off visitaion petition for my husband for the oC we should find out in the next 2 wks when our hearing date is well his hearing date it really has nothing to do with me but since he is my H i plan to be there 100% The ow and ow mom can go to hell. I just hope everything goes well and i hope i get to know my stepson my kids brothers.

grll247,

I will answer questions based on my state laws.

You do not have to wait for her. Your H can obtain an attorney and sue her, to order her to submit herself and child for a paternity test. Depends on your state but abolishing parental rights is possible. You need to check with a lawyer about if it would release you from cs.

Has the child been born? You can't do anything until the child is born. The court doesn't look at a baby in the womb as definate being until it is born.

She may be able to get back support, it is legal. But only after the child is born. She can't get any support during her pregnancy.

If your H dies in the military and there was never a dna test done, she can't sue you for money. The child has to be established that it is his first. They can't establish it if he is dead.

Stressedwife26,

I disagree, the visitation has everything to do with you. When you got married to him, there was no agreement between the two of you that you would be accepting of his illegitmate children. Or that you would modify your lifestyle for another woman's offspring by him. I just wanted to state that for the record.

icando,

Just one thing to add to your info. In our state, there is no support prior to child's birth, however, the father must pay for medical expenses that are not covered by insurance, and expenses related to confinement of the mother-prior to the birth. I think this is if the mother is on bed rest, etc.

icando

thank you for your answers, the child is eight months old and there was never a dna test done b/c she was giving him time to tell me and was sure we would have been over. she thought he would be all hers if i left him.she was trying to hold the whole cs thing as a bribe.she still has not filed and so my question is now does he still owe her when she has not gotten a cs order started or even a paternity test.i have been on his ass to get this paternity test but he feels like that giving in to anything she wants is giving in to her. funny how he thought he played both of us now it seems like he's the one that's screwed b/c she's holding all the cards.she also tried to get his social by tampering with gov't computer,they're both in the military.we're stationed in hawaii and she's in arizona. she called his unit and tried to pose as a credit card company and said that his info got compromised and they need to verify his ssn.i think she was trying to fill out an uncontested patrenity and send it inwith her cs order. i think she has doubts and from what i recently found out he does too which is probably why he's not as worried as he was before.one of his 'friends' in korea was intimate with her too.we're just not sure of the timeline.

I'm bbaacckkk!

Hi all! Miss you guys TONS. Back from vacation. Nice QUIET vacation. No phone call or email from OW telling us the brat is here. I feel great and am now looking at the birth more and more as a non-event. I'm confident and determined that she WILL NOT change my life b/c she was stupid enough (and so was H) to get knocked up.

H and I are proceeding w/ catching the baby train. Got the post miscarriage OK from the doc. We're also going ahead w/ adoption. We don't have any fertility issues but we do have adoptive family members and that option is important to us so bring on the paperwork!

Met w/ the estate lawyer before we left. I can tell everyone that from my state's perspective, the only thing OW is entitled to is a portion of H's earnings. We do not have to worry about our assets falling into her grubby hands. What we do need to do is figure out how to keep his income as low as we can. For example, deferred comp instead of taking the bonus, deferring stock purchases, etc. Once we drag that out as long as we can we're also going to put as much into my name as possible as added protection. We do not legally have to leave the OC anything in H's will but we are adding a codicil that says that any other assets left in the estate besides those covered by beneficiary designations (life insurance, etc.) are for the benefit of H's spouse and children, natural or adopted, of the marriage only. This effectively cuts out the OC. I'll know the exact language when our lawyer gets the docs back to me.

Off to have a glass of yummy shiraz. Everything else OK w/ you guys?

Hugs,

BW

Why do you want to make that poor child suffer? It's not his/her fault what their parents did.

I would be ashamed of my stbx if he left any of his children unprovided for!

I certainly feel the pain of this situation, but what you are doing seems cruel.

aLadyPilot,

I think your words are a bit strong not knowing the whole situation with BW. I do know her story, and believe me, the kid won't suffer, as his mother (the OW) has the means to support her child just fine. What OW wants, in her case as well as in mine has nothing to do with needs for the child, only the mother's greed.

As we have said to others on this site, we need a safe place to vent and not be attacked, so please don't do it here.

Twokids...thanks for the support.

Aladypilot - perhaps you're a bigger person than I am, but in my case for the last 9+ months the OW has use the unborn OC as a bargaining chip, threat (both personal and professional) and as a means to get anything and everything from my H. As far as I'm concerned the OC is a victim as much as I am and doesn't merit any extra consideration just b/c it's a child. The OC's mother had no qualms in using it as a pawn so why shouldn't I protect what H and I have worked hard to build? OC and I are EQUALS in this screwed up situation and I for one will not apologize for my opinion. I commented on my own situation and do not pass judgment on others. I suggest you do the same.

BW

aladypilot,

Betrayed wives don't make the oc suffer. The selfishness of the ow and ws is what makes oc suffer. When wives got married to their H's they didn't agree to supporting future illegitimate children. My H and I have been married for over 16 years and I HAVE BEEN THERE SINCE THE BEGINNING. The OW and oc haven't done a thing for me and in fact the, cs that my H has to pay causes me and our child to SUFFER. A significant amount of his income after taxes is owed to oc. How is that fair to me or my child?

The OW should have to be responsbile for the child that she purposely conceived to entrap my H. She took bc pills in front of him and he (like an idiot) stopped using condoms.

It only took her 3 months to get herself pregnant, when she secretly stopped taking bc pills.

I am NEVER accepting responsiblity for that child. I don't owe the child anything and nor does my child owe the oc anything!

[This message edited by icando at 10:20 PM, May 31st (Wednesday)]

One more thing I want to add is that before oc and my H started paying child support, we could pay all of our bills. Now, I have to struggle to buy my son clothes, food, make a house payment, pay utilities, do any kind of home maintenance. This is my WS fault, with the help of the nasty immoral whore. Her whole plan was to cause me hardship and she so much as told me so. Well I am having hardships because of this OC situation. Why should I EVER care about the OC suffering. That OC is definately not suffering.

This whore is getting $293.oo per month in welfare benefits, $399.00 in food stamps,free medical, free childcare, free tuition and books, she paYS $69.00 in rent, receives $60 per month in gas vouchers, $30-$100.00 per month in clothing vouchers, PLUS OTHER PUBLIC ASSISTANCE BENEFITS.

And now a whopping $617.00 per month in child support from my H, plus he has to pay her 60% of her childcare and put the child on his medical.

We are not on any public assitance! No one is paying for my gas or mortgage payment.

That OC is GETTING HER INHERITANCE NOW, MY H WON'T OWE HER A DARN THING MORE IN 18 1/2 MORE YEARS.

The OC suffer? what a JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by icando at 10:22 PM, May 31st (Wednesday)]

I'm just wondering for those of you who want nothing to do with OC, did you not ever consider being involved with the OC to exact revenge on the OW?

In my situation, I am ready and willing to accept the OC and make it part of our lives. I just know in my heart that I will love her if I'm allowed to. I want to be accepting of her for her sake, for my WH sake and for my children's sake. I can completely understand those who can't. And to be very honest, if WH said he didn't want anything to do w/the OC.....I'd be OK with that too.

But one thing about this whole awful situation that brings a little devious smile to my face is thinking about revenge. Don't we all want revenge at some point? I've been the "better" person and not done anything to the whore. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will kill her and drive her absolutely crazy to have me be a part of her childs life. If WH stay together and we get visitation etc......my revenge will be the pain and anger it will cause her to have to allow her child to come w/me and let me be a Mommy to her. I will be the best damn step Mom ever and that child will love me. That will be the sweetest revenge in my book.

Not only did she not get WH, but she now has to watch her child become part of our life that she wanted to destroy.

Crazy.......maybe.....but it helps me to want to deal with this.

tornapart - That is one of the things I held onto during our R attempts. The one thing OW told him was that the thought of US acting like a happy family with HER D just killed her.

If R had worked out, I also would have been the best damn stepmom in the world.

Initially I considered allowing the OC to be apart of our lives. I would have been a good mother to this child also. But as time when by, the OW did many vindictive things. So much so that we had to call the police and take her to court.

This OW tells lies and like to play the victim. She wants to destroy my H at all costs, even to the detriment of the oc, because my H (as much of a poor husband as he was) is a good father in terms of relating to our child. My H and I don't trust that she would try to accuse him of doing something to the child to try and get him arrested.

So to avoid this, My H has had absolutely NC with the OC. She can't ever accuse of him of doing anything to the child because he has never been around the child.

As for revenge, the fact that she is single and taking care of that child is revenge for me. She won't have my H to flaunt around as the father of her child. She, him and the oc will never be seen together as a family by anyone.

It drives her crazy that he doesn't talk to her and that she knows that he IS being a good father to our son. That is my revenge.

OW and OC will never be thought of at family events or go on family trips. She is really pissed about that.

I am sorry if any of you feel attacked. I have been in this situation for almost 3 years myself and have experienced many of the same things.

However, I stand by my opinion that I would be ashamed of my stbx if he abandoned *any* of his children.

Peace.

More later, but wanted you all to know I agree fully with you and glad we have each other to lean on.

icando--want to hear whopping? My H will end up paying 35% of his take home salary, plus have the boy on our medical insurance. Judge broke down the numbers 25% OW and 75% to my H. OW makes a damn good salary, probably better than most people--over 80K a year, but chooses to live in the most expensive place in the country and trying to put it on us that she "can't make expenses." Makes me want to puke.

Excuse me, but am I the only one who seems to have caught sight of the fact that aladypilot has opted out of the marriage?

Seems to me a bit hypocritical for her to be faulting/criticizing anyone on this thread wrt an OW/OC situation when she has a "stbx". The route she's going appears to avoid the ENTIRE subject!

Perhaps I've missed some critical post that would explain this (glaring) discrepancy?

Our OW/OC are about to receive official legal notice to leave us the hell alone from this point on....or else we bring in the Big Guns via the AG office.

We are SO done with this shit!