SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On giving up some of their parental rights--absolutely, too bad dumb OW doesn't get it. It is still a control battle and what OW thinks is it is a way to keep my H wrapped in. We can talk more on this!!

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 6:56 PM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

My H never wrote a NC letter but we did have a NC phone call. Back in November she called asking about his genetic background as she was going for CVS. He told her that 1) he's adopted so he has no knowledge and 2) if he did he was not telling her. That pissed her off to no end. H reached his boiling point and I then suggested that since emails re NC hadn't worked, perhaps she needed to hear it from the horse's mouth.

We drafted talking points (a script if you will) and he called her. His tone of voice was very angry but I sat in front of him pointing to what we had written down and gesturing for him to follow the script. He did. This way he didn't say anything he would later regret.

Even after all that she had the audacity to call back and bitch him out on VM about how DARE he disrespect her! WTF?

They DON'T GET IT. They NEVER WILL. They are the most self-centered, spoiled children in adults' bodies. Your best bet (and this comes straight from out attorney) is to ignore them.

So OW wants to put the kid in classes at age 5 months? So what? If it's not in the CS agreement, then it's out of her pocket, not your H's. She can sign the kid up to learn the Zulu language, but if it's not negotiated out ahead of time, it's her tough luck.

I know it's hard. I've been there to a certain extent and I know that the other shoe will drop soon since ours is due this month. But I take strength in the fact that my H talks to me about her and what he wants to accomplish regarding limits. Together we are a united front.

Stay strong. You're the winner here even if it doesn't feel like it.

BW

PS - For those interested in a little update tidbit...the OW had her f-ing BABY SHOWER at the restaurant I thought she was banned from. I had actually considered going there again w/ H and "taking it back" for us. Off the table now. H had a phone call a few months back from the owner asking us to return and when the owner would not acknowledge that he's banned her and her father for good, my H politely informed him that due to the circumstances (and our desire to not have a public confrontation) we will not ever be back. Almost bought the OW a sympathy card to send when the OC is born..."My deepest sympathy on the loss of your single, bar-carousing, picking up strange men, illicit sex, hoping to attract a husband days. Welcome to dirty diapers, no sleep, all night crying, colic, spit up, rushing home from work to get to daycare on time, actually being responsible for someone other than your self-absorbed self days for the next 21 years."

Sadly Hallmark does not make such a card...

Whore had her baby in the fall of '05'. My H got the first call at work about the baby 3 days later. Selfish whore was demanding for H to drop what he was doing at that moment and come to her apartment, and watch the baby, so that she could get some sleep. He refused of course and hung up on her.

My H has absolutely NC with her since 4 weeks into her pregnancy, when I found out about the A. The oc is now over 6 mos old. He has had NC with oc. He gave her a NC call in front of me. She wouldn't answer her cell phone, so he left it on her voicemail.

He told her my wife knows, its over, don't call me again. Ever since then he has had to prove that he mean't those words to her.

She can no longer call him on his job. So now she bothers us by sending certified mail where it has to be signed for. I am at home when mailman arrives, I sign in VERY Large letters, MRS. ...... every time.

This is the only contact she has with my H, except through her attorney and his attorney. Thats it.

She use to call my house. I did not change my number. I just started hanging up on her everytime she calls. At first, I use to give him the phone to put it in his face, look you got your whore callling here now. But after I got tired of that I just started hanging up on her. From every number she calls from, I block it. So she has to go to a different phone.

She has gone to stores, pay phones, restaurants to call my house. I always know it her calling because no one else calls me from these kind of places.

She doesn't call that much anymore, it takes too much effort. And she doesn't like getting hung up on by me. I just click her right in the middle of her sentence. I don't talk to her just click her.

My H doesn't have to talk to her. She hates that. She never got a chance to tell him about himself or have her say to him. She is totally frustrated.

icando,

GOOD FOR YOU! We should ALL treat the OW like that. It's the least we can do considering how miserable and screwed up they made our lives w/o a care in the world.

You go girl!

BW

OK IT TOOK AN HOUR to catch up on all the posts since i have been gone lol.

BetrayedWife

I am soo sorry to read about your miscarriage.

ok glad a lot was covered when i was gone lol interesting reading. I dont have my computer at home working so when i get to the office which is not often i can post. I will get it back together soon.

Phoebe,

Thanks for the kind words. Hoping to get back on the baby train as soon as we can.

Hugs,

BW

Hey everyone, just checking in. Birth of OC is imminent. I think I'm doing well. Not freaking...yet. Been talking to another member of this board and trying very hard to view birth as a non-event, more like finally a beginning to take action and stop taking the OW's crap.

H and I are leaving Tuesday on vacation. I hope the birth does not happen before Tuesday or on Thursday (our 6th anniversary). Although, if it does, it does. It was my anniversary first and the actual date of the birth doesn't matter. (Say that 10 times fast!)

Anyway, wanted to reach out to all of you and say I'm thinking about you. Post soon.

Hugs,

BW

Betrayed Wife,

I can truly relate to the feeling of "waiting" for the birth of this oc. Even though it really IS a NON-Event for you. The thought of that can be difficult to come to terms with.

Sometime back the topic of wills was discussed in this situation. I just hope that you have the confidence and strength to do all that you need to do, to protect yourself from being harmed even more by OW/OC situation.

This has been said before, but I will say it again. The OC may not even be WS. Don't allow your H to do anything for OC until a genectic test has been taken.

icando,

I hear you loud and clear. Coincidently, tomorrow we have an appointment w/ our estate lawyer to redo the wills and protect our assets. I'm not letting that slut or her kid get one thin dime out of this house if I can help it. Very adamant about this...

Trying hard to keep my head up, stay focused and concentrate energy on what's important...H, our relationship and love and making it all better again.

H bought me a beautiful sterling necklace w/ a heart on it (sort of like the one Tiffany's sells) from a store in London. The silver heart has a smaller gold heart in it. It's really pretty and I think the choice of a heart sends a message to me, don't you? Feeling pretty happy...

Hugs,

BW

Anyone watch Desperate Housewives last night?

I nearly choked when the OW/OC showed up in Lynette and Tom's life.

I loved when Lynette told the bitch off in the diner!

Of course, I'm also wondering how all this is going to pan out.....

Betrayed Wife,

I'm glad that you said "we have an appointment with an estate lawyer". The fact that you and H are going together is the key and makes the gift of the heart no empty gesture.

I'm also glad that you know that there is life after birth of an OC. I'm also glad that you are making sure that you KEEP what is yours!

Hi All,

I haven't time to write in a while. We are still in the midst of CS negotiations, and trying to figure out how to move forward. Case came very close to going to court last week, but it is back somewhat on track to sign an agreement w/o court.

It just amazes me how little foresight these OW have. They just don't get it.

As to estate planning--it is so important!! Our wills are done, with very specific instructions regarding the OC. Once CS agreement is complete, we are considering a trust be set up for any payments that may be due in the case of my H's death. This way there is no way for OW to contest during probate. I hate having to think about this stuff!

Hugs to you all.

Hi guys,

On the subject of wills/estates etc. ...

Anyone care to share (specifically) what/how they addressed/changed these topics with their attorney? H and I have an appt. to modify ours also, and although we have a list of topics to cover with the attorney I'd be interested in hearing from you guys, in case we are overlooking anything.

Thanks,and I hope all is well with you all.

In my state, child support ends for my H if he dies. So there is no need for him to put any future money aside or a life insurance policy for oc.

A shocking fact that I learned is that if my H dies, regardless of OC age, I will only up to the first $50,000 then everything else is split 50/50 with our child and OC. This is what it would be like if H had no will.

If H dies before the child is 18 years old, the child is entitled to social security payments. I don't see why anyone would need to set up something in addition to that.

In certain states the H's estate will still owe cs until the child reaches the majority age,in my state it is 19. I saw a newstory on tv on how a man who had died had a 2nd wife. The first wife was receiving cs. The 2nd wife contacted the news media because the state was taking out cs from (whatever income the 2nd wife had for the cs). Wife #1 was nice enough to return it to Wife #2, but legally she didn't have to. The point of the news report was to show how the cs is still due even after death from the assets of the noncustodial parent.

Anyhow, it is worth checking in your state to make sure your H has no obligation for cs if he dies.

Another rule in my state is if my H has over $35,000 in assets that he owns independant of me, it opens the door for OC to get a share of it (That is if my H doesn't designate his wishes in a will). Social Security should be enough, but in my state whoever wrote the child support guidelines didnt' think about situations like OW and OC.

It is like the OW and OC have as much rights and more than the wife or legal child.

[This message edited by icando at 3:21 PM, May 25th (Thursday)]

Anyone know the answer to this question--OW and OC live in one state, H and I live in another. If H dies, which state's laws apply to continuing CS? We saw a lawyer in the state where she lives and would file, but now that we've moved we're not sure what's up--haven't yet gotten to a lawyer here. Plus, from what I've read here and other places, not all lawyers are that up on inter-state questions, but you guys seem to be! Thanks.

I think it is determined by where the court order for the support is written, but I'm not totally sure.

Look on your state's website for child support, whichever agency handles it. See if they have the info about out of state support. It could be to your advantage to check and see which state you pay the least support in ang initiate the court order for support yourselves first.

If you do this you will have options. Every state is different on how they determine the amount for cs. In my state they take 1/3 of the noncustodial parents income for cs.

Just a guess, but I think that the laws applied are those from the state in which the child resides. It can get even a bit stickier than that, because the states write the laws, but the counties interpret them. In our state, the law regarding the amount of child support awarded above the statuatory minimum, is interpreted differently in each of the different "departments" or counties. A department MUST abide by case law of that department, but only has to consider case law from other departments.

As to CS due in the event of death of the non-custodial parent, it is obligatory if there is an estate. It should be something considered beforehand, with a life insurance policy or other similar means. We are in the process of looking at that now. A term policy is not expensive, and is certainly worth the insurance that it won't come out of the estate, or be an issue that can be probated.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 8:07 AM, May 26th (Friday)]

hi everyone

haven't posted in awhile but have been reading.

we have, also, been discussing wills etc.. of late. not sure of the laws here but will find out soon enough i guess.

the kid was born ebnd of march sometime.to date, we haven;t heard anything. great for now but don't exactly know what this means at this time.

could we be so lucky as to not be contacted at all??!!

have had no contact since finding out about pregnancy in sept. is this a good sign? i try to not get my hopes up to much as i don;t want to get of guard but i also want to start enjoying my life, you know??

my H still tells me he rarely thinks of her or the kid. he has decided to view it as a sperm donation. i'm thinking i think about it way more than him?

what about you guys? anyone relate?

strangely, the build up to the birht was agonising but now that it's happened, i feel a modicum of relief and relaxation.

now, i just need to figure out how to forgive and move on. i have moved on little by little but how long does this take??!!

cat