SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

B-Wife,

I'm so happy for you and your husband. Congratulations!!!

Me

grll,

I could not live with the ow hanging something like this over my head. It will eat at you and ultimately make you crazy and it will seriously affect your marriage. Let your husband know in no uncertain terms what this is doing to you and your relationship. Having that constant threat and constant worry isn't good for anyone.

Me

[This message edited by Me&my3 at 8:24 AM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

grll,

I know it's hard not knowing, but personally I wouldn't do anything before she does.

The responsibility is on her to prove who the father is. Your H has enough to deal with in Iraq.

I think some here will disagree with that, and if they do I'm sure they can also provide you with their reasoning so you can make an informed choice.

Anyone?

grll247-

I would have loved for the OW to wait for paternity testing and CS. I was doing so well concentrating on my marriage when she had NC. She has since contacted twice and had him petitioned.

According to our lawyer, we were not to do anything until the OW made the first move. Initially we wanted to do the testing ASAP. But then I contacted a lawyer and she told me otherwise. Have you contacted a lawyer?

I read somewhere that if a person is deployed in Iraq that special conditions apply in obtaining child support. I think the law allows them some protection because they are in the combat zone.

That could be the reason for her delay. Truly, the last thing that a military person in Iraq needs to be worried about is a legal matter at home.

I would find out what steps are necessary to take for a person deployed in a combat zone. Then I would forget about it.

Let the whore threaten and bitch all she wants. What can she do? Get someone to collect a dna sample while he is training troops or providing medical support to the injured or providing security at a checkpoint?

As best as you can let it go for now. She is the one who has the problem.

grll,

I am living this nightmare...the OC will be six in Dec. ! No DNA or paternity determinations yet. I think she still "loves" my H and won't harm him by dragging him into court, as if, she hopes he may change his mind and go to her on his own accord. ??

I have been told that only from the date of filing can back CS be paid...so the more she delays...well, at least the less my husband will pay, if held responsible.

She has to start the procedings , my husband can not force the issue, as he has no legal standing.

...Her parential alienation and trail of lies will be determining factors if it ever goes to court.... the legal fact that she was married to another man @ birth or conception made her husband the legal parent. Neithor she or Her X-H have not contested paternity. There are time limits on the father, not the mother though....I guess they think that because she lied to have a birth certificate that reflects my husband's name on it is enough to suit their agenda....., She swore under penalty of purjury that she was married to my husband. He did not sign an acknowledgement of paternity and thus has no standing to take this to court....

And we don't want to prove paternity that is her burden !

It took me 5 years to get over it, to stop trying to get her to resolve the issue of paternity.....I realize at this point the cards are dealt and no one but her will carry the consequenses of her decision to lie to everyone, especially her Love child.

What a club to belong to, huh?

I've been reading for a few weeks and this thread has been a life saver for me. To know that others are in the same disgusting situation really helps.

My story briefly:

July '05 - found greeting cards hidden in my husband's desk from OW. Confronted him, he said they were nothing and she was crazy and after him. (Then why did he keep the cards?!) Wanted desparately to believe him, so I did. We started IC and MC. After 5 months of working REALLY hard we were better than ever.

August '06 - He wasn't acting "right". I had that same feeling again. Something was wrong, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I searched his office. I found child support papers. He had broken it off with her a couple days after I found the cards. He had no contact with her until March '06 when her mother called him from the hospital to tell him he had a daughter.

I love him. I want to stay. I just don't know how. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for wanting to stay.

That's my story in a nutshell. It makes me sick to know that I even have a story like this to tell.

madpai,

I hear you; believe me, we *all* hear you. I don't think there is anything in SI that quite approximates the pain of infidelity AND an OC. In fact, reading your post made me feel like I'd just been gut kicked all over again.

This is the thread you want to post on. People here will listen and give you guidance. If you haven't checked out the articles in the Library please do. Something there will relate to you and perhaps give you some better understanding of the "rollarcoaster" ride you are embarking on.

Keep breathing....

madpai-

I am in the same boat. My H has had paternity papers and CS filed against him. He told me of the A in July and the OC was born in August.

Contact a lawyer to see what is in your best interest. It can protect you and your family financially. We have spoken to our lawyer but meet with her for the first time next week.

Does your H want contact? This is the point I am at. I cannot get the answer out of him.

My other issue is how to tell the kids if he does want contact.

You can PM me is you want to chat.

((((Madpai)))) hugs

listen to your heart...this is only your life.

To protect your interests...I think you need to be at your H's side in every future legal aspect as he and you make joint decisions concerning this possible OC,... assume nothing! Do not trust the OW, she could be lying...Give no money to her or acknowledge anything,... wait for DNA results, NC with OW unless you are privy, best to use a lawyer...that is if you want to move forward together.

Protect your assets.

Complete honesty and openness to move forward together.

Scooter - you know you're welcome here anytime...we all ENVY you!

grll - DO NOT BREAK NC! It's the OW's responsibility to make the first move re paternity. Tell H to save her emails in case you need to consult w/ a lawyer in the future but DO NOT REPLY TO THEM! Send no money, don't fall for the guilt or sympathy card. Nothing, nada, zilch, zero. If she wants it badly enough make her work for it. Concentrate on your marriage and keeping Hubby safe in Iraq. Ignore the pesty gnat..sooner or later it will get squashed.

Maipai - sorry you're here but know that we welcome you w/ open arms. Our club stinks to belong to but know that we're here for you.

Now...what do you want? Do you want to stay w/ your H? Are you even thinking that far? B/c if you do, you need to set some boundaries w/ your H. First, NC w/ OW. Second, no acknowledgement of paternity. Third, no money changing hands. Fourth, consult w/ a good family law attorney ASAP. Believe me it's worth every dime. If you are a couple, then you face this together. H had to be 110% honest and open w/ you even if it means telling you he doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't know is better than telling you what he thinks you want to hear and then doing the opposite.

Don't get ahead of yourself w/ re to telling the kids. OW needs to have paternity proven first. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but nothing says you even have to tell them now if it does turn out to be true.

I know this is sensative, but since there is an OC, which could be your H's, did you get tested for HIV and STDs? B/c if it is H's, then you have confirmation that they didn't use a condom. Don't put yourself at greater risk by not getting tested. It's embarrassing as hell...I sobbed to my wonderful male OB/GYN and he was so kind. It's not the first, or sadly the last, time they hear a story like ours. Mine even went so far as to recommend ICs for me. I adore him and and looking forward to him delivering our first child next Spring.

All my best to you. Call on us if you need us, no matter how small you think it is.

BW

Bee Trayed - Thanks for the welcome. Rollercoaster is right...

Kristine - PM'd you.

lunnychick - I totally agree and told my WS as much. From here on out, NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING is done without my knowledge/input. We are now a unified front. A package deal. I will accept nothing less. If he decides for contact and the OW starts drama about me being around, well, then I guess it's NC for her kid. Period. End of discussion. He also knows that if he wants contact anyway, that I will file for divorce.

BW - Thanks for the reply. Thankfully, WS has been NC with the OW since our first Dday. When he broke it off with her neither one of them knew she was pg. When she found out, she didn't even contact him to tell him. He found out when her mother (not even her!) called him when the OC was born. The only contact with her since the OC was born was a chance meeting in a parking lot of a grocery store. He asked her why she told him she was on birth control. She said "I was." Whatever. Stupid bitch. She then said "here's your daughter. You can be involved or not, but I hope you are." That was the last time he talked to her. I hope her non-drama is indicitive of the way she'll be if/when we start visitation. But who knows with these OWs???

Ok, how HUMILIATING was it to go get tested for STDs????! I thought I was going to throw up in the waiting room. My doctor was so kind and supportive, and yes, she did tell me that, unfortuneately, I was not the first to tell her such a story. How sad.

I'm in kind of a bad place right now. If you've seen my posts in General, you know that after months of NC, WX is showing up and calling all of a sudden.

What I didn't put in those posts is that when he calls or shows up and babbles about nothing, he brings up the subject of OC. Still doesn't have a DNA test but refers to her as his daughter .

Some of the things he said that were like a knife in my heart. "I had my daughter this weekend", "I only talk to OW when I pick up my daughter", "she won't let me use the stroller I bought her for my daughter"

It just hurts because if you want my honest opinion his daughter should never have been born!

[This message edited by cryingdaily at 12:01 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

But SERIOUSLY... I just have to ask the real question that bugs me every day....How the heck can any wife get over the fact that the OW refuses to do a DNA or prove paternity and yet has given her OC my husbands' unique names ! I feel assaulted every day by this...The gift of revenge and hate that keeps on giving?....I can do nothing to stop her, .......How could she ?...Somebody slap me here !!.. This is so Low !!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by lunnychick at 6:18 PM, January 25th (Thursday)]

cryingdaily,

It seems to me like your WX has some slight remorse and needs a "shoulder to cry on".

You need to do some soul-searching. Do you want him back? If so, then you need to set some boundaries. Even if you *don't* want him back, but he continues to contact you, you *still* need boundaries.

Tell him you are sorry for his pain but you have enough of your own. YOU SIMPLY DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE OC!

If he can't respect your wishes then change your phone number. He can't have it both ways: talking to you and discussing the OC.

Can you do that?

It is the OW's responsibility to prove paternity, and if she was M at the time then the child is considered to be the H's. At least then there is no financial burden of CS on WX.

lunnychick-

so what if the child has your husband's name. i think you make too much of that. what i would be worried about is that birth certificate (I am still trying to get my H to see a lwayer about getting a court order to get his name off the BC since he is not the father of the OC). if your h's name is on that certificate- it needs to come off if he is not the father. i can't remember what you ahve said about that in previous posts and i can't find it. AS for the name, i think i would let that go. the OC in my case has our last name as her middle name (OW is hispanic). it pisses me off too that the OC has that name in her name but what can I do about it. you can't let her have that much control over you. You have to release some of it or you will drive yourself into the lunny bin. I know because I almost got to that point myself I felt. If she isn't going to do the paternity test, then so be it- she can't get any money from your H then. Your only other option to end this with her is to get a court order for her to take the test. but i am not sure that is the best route to take either- initiating that may open up a new can of worms.

I hope you don't take offence to anything I am saying. I am not trying to be harsh- I just know some of what you are going through with the name thing because I struggled with that myself. Now it is the BC that I am struggling with my H over. HE is just not ready to give up the fact that the OC is not his and that he needs to let go and get closure by getting his name off the BC.

lunny,

After D-day my H provided me with all the correspondance OW had sent him throughout the years. He never answered any of them. I was amazed to note that she had been leaning towards naming him after my H. Ultimately she did not. However, both her name and the OC's name were big time triggers to me (still are). I got around that by giving them both monikers (and believe me, they aren't flattering).Currently we are waiting on the OC's birth certificate to see if OW illegally placed my H's name on it. At first, the thought of that really made me sick, but as the time has passed I am beginning to feel like "who the f_ck cares?"

I think you need to let this go. Your emotional health is more important than worrying about things you can not control. Are you a control freak? I am, but I'm learning how not to be.

As I've mentioned in some previous posts, I have a nasty legal battle going on with my brothers. They are very malicious, vindictive people and I can not control their actions. The heartache and turmoil really got to me in the beginning, but I have learned how to compartmentalize and put those fears/emotions, etc. in a safe place that I only visit when necessary.

Take control of your own thoughts and emotions. Don't let the OW ruin your life. You have a H and you have a future. Get on with it.

Hope this helps.

And BTW, I wouldn't think of it as the "gift of revenge and hate". She may have to live with that constant reminder for the rest of her life; how your H refused to leave you for her.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 4:07 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

well said BT- the gift of revenge is from you to her- she has to live with the name of her son being that of your H- someone that she thought she had but never did. The OW in my case has to do the same- one day she will have to explain to the OC why her middle name is what it is- it was the last name of a man I thought was your father but turned out he wasn't.

HI everyone,thanks for your advice.i think iwas just having a bad trigger day.ow does not know h is in iraq.we live in two different states and we turned our cell phones off when he left two months ago.these were the only numbers she had.she actually got him through his unit.that is how she renewed contact.he was trying to run interference as i didn't know about the affair yet.so even though she had the number she chose to email him so i could find out.he only confessed after being interrogated about the email.noone ever knows with these crazy bitches but i know it has to be killing her all these months with nc.i think that's why her emails sound so desperate.i've been watching general hospital lately and that whole lucky-maxie saga sounds all to familiar.even though the ow in my sitch is 32 with 4 children she is just as desperate and sad as maxie.her soul desire is for the dissolution of my m.she is utterly convinced if it weren't for me he would be with her even though my h told her in no uncertain terms that 'if she were the last woman on earth he would never be with her'.her words not mine.it's like talking to two different people in the same conversation with her.the one time i did talk to her she was assuring me of how he made it clear to her that he didn't want her and how she felt the same.she just wants him to be a father to his kid, blah blah blah.however in her emails it's how dissappointed she is in him, after all the promises they made to each other.she does know i read his emails and i'm wondering if she's trying to be coy.the affair seems so miniscule to the long term bullshit i'm subjected to.

grll,

Sounds like she's grasping at straws, trying to put your H on a guilt trip. It also sounds like he is resisting that, so that is good.

For your H's sake I hope he can stay focused on his job. God knows no one in Iraq needs that kind of distraction.

You sound like you are handling things as well as can be expected. It's hard when you are seperated; my H and I are often apart. I hope your H is in a safe place (if such a thing exists in Iraq) and that he returns safely home to you soon.