SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good luck with the poly tomorrow.

(I think what I mean by that is that I hope you get information which you find useful, not that you get any particular answers to any particular questions.)

It is disturbing(to me) to see how many men are ok if their wife did cheat but as long as she is willing to return back to him once the affair is exposed.

This is not some kind of dig at anyone or particularly Walloped. Maybe it is a coincidence but these last few months I this theme in 95% of the posts on SI or any other forum that I visit. Is there a significant attitude shift in society regarding infidelity ? Maybe men are getting used to it. But the fact is that infidelity is no longer the deal breaker that it usually is. It is just another relationship problem now.

Spaceghost(?) who actually divorced his wife is called a troll because to most members, the story is unbelievable.

[This message edited by kimichi at 7:40 PM, September 28th (Monday)]

It kinda annoys me to read the posts where the WS keeps apologizing or that she will be the best person/wife/mother, that she will make it up to him for the rest of your life..

Ideally, those are the things that she should be saying and you couldn't really blame her for saying it but it just sounds like a crock of shit. She couldn't be a decent person during the affair when she thought no one was seeing, now she wants to be the wife/mother of the year ?

i don't know the numbers for sure, but I think that infidelity will end in divorce in most cases. in short, infidelity ends marriages.

but that doesn't mean that someone shouldn't reconcile if they still love their spouse and their spouse is remorseful. I know that people say kids shouldn't matter. But I'm not sure I agree with that. To me it's true that if you have an unremorseful spouse, the fact that children are involved shouldn't matter. I can't imagine that raising kids in an unhealthy family caused by infidelity would be good.

It may be that people who come here are predisposed to try to save their marriage? After all, if infidelity is truly a dealbreaker, then get divorced and move on. why hang out at a website like this?

don't be so sure that infidelity in the past was always a dealbreaker. I'm pretty sure that students of history will tell you that mankind hasn't fundamentally changed that much over the last 40 thousand years. we still wage wars, we still cheat, we still do good things.

mike7,

Just read the men and women posts on this JFFO forum..More women seem inclined to file for divorce than men if it comes to it. There are men like Walloped that make an informed choice after thorough deliberation. And there are the rest of the crowd that are literally scared to leave their wife. They take pride in their codependency. They actually forgive the wife without her even asking for it.

Anyway, this is a threadjack.. So I will stop here

Kimichi, I think Mike7 is right. I think most who post here are trying to save their marriage. They are trying, like our friend Walloped, to understand what went wrong and why. And how they can possibly move forward with their spouse. Most men and women, for whom cheating is a deal breaker don't need this site, but some of them, like spaceghost, still find their way here for support. You have to admit this site has wonderful resources. I also realize that sometimes it sounds like the WS is feeding the BS a crock, but sometimes they are sincere. Most of the time I feel like you do, but some do Reconcile.

Statistics apply to populations, not to individuals; W and Mrs W are individuals, not populations.

When Apollo 13 blew up nobody at NASA spent any time in front of TV cameras quoting statistics on what happens when rockets blow up. They worked the problem, which is what W is doing.

Thinking of you today. I have been in your shoes, though I waited 1 1/2 years to insist on the poly. Good for you for insisting on it sooner.

This could be a day of great healing for you or a day for more pain. Brace yourself. Get to a point where you are mentally prepared for whatever happens. By the time we got to the examiner's office I knew in my heart what I woukd do if I had a parking lot confession. I knew what I would do if he passed and I knew what I would do if he failed. I was calm.

My most positive thoughts are with your family today! It was truly a new beginning for us.

It is disturbing(to me) to see how many men are ok if their wife did cheat...

I haven't seen a single person on this forum that has been OK with it. Ever. Even the ones that try to be OK with it. That is why they are here.

But if you read history, nothing has changed. The history of ancient Rome, the great novels of western literature, royal history, etc. Humans are still humans. This stuff was going on in caves, 40,000BC.

Reminds me of a quote heard from an elderly lady commenting on young girls' behavior.

"Kids these days...they think they invented f***ing."

Actually infidelity is relatively low as reason for divorce on (most) all reliable surveys. I recall the average is something like 1 in 5 affairs lead to divorce. I venture (with no data to corroborate this theory) that 1 in 5 reconciles. The other 3 end in the worse-than-divroce-or-reconciliaton group of living with untreated infidelity.

Foley5 – On average half asked think stats don’t apply to them.

It is something less than 1 in 5 divorces are directly attributable to infidelity, which just tells you there are lots of reasons people don't like each other.

From here...

http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html

Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%

This echoes what I've seen on other sites and in other surveys. And it is different (worse) for men as the BS then for women. That's just the reality of it.

Actually infidelity is relatively low as reason for divorce on (most) all reliable surveys. I recall the average is something like 1 in 5 affairs lead to divorce.

two different questions there. one question is what are the leading causes of divorce. the other is, after infidelity, how many divorce?

i'd be surprised if they were both 1 in 5.

eta: i just did a search because I was curious. i read a statistic that said that infidelity was the leading cause of divorce, the cause in about 1 in 5 cases, as Bigger said. The other question, what happens once infidelity is discovered? Turns out the couple divorces approximately 70% of the time. I can't vouch for the statistics. It's just what I found.

(i also just noticed that HoP found out the same things and beat me to it)

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:03 AM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

The statistics available online vary widely. Ive read 90% of divorces are caused due to infidelity but that 75% of couples will stay married after infidelity is discovered.

I believe infidelity is much more common than people realize due to the secetive nature and social shame which surrounds it.

according to Utah State University research study, 40-50% of first marriages ends in divorce and 60% of second amrriages fail. Infidelity is cited as a reason in 55 % of the cases so yes, it is a major factor in divorces in this country.

Kimichi, I agree with you completely. You said this

It is disturbing(to me) to see how many men are ok if their wife did cheat but as long as she is willing to return back to him once the affair is exposed.

This is not some kind of dig at anyone or particularly Walloped. Maybe it is a coincidence but these last few months I this theme in 95% of the posts on SI or any other forum that I visit. Is there a significant attitude shift in society regarding infidelity ? Maybe men are getting used to it. But the fact is that infidelity is no longer the deal breaker that it usually is. It is just another relationship problem now.

Spaceghost(?) who actually divorced his wife is called a troll because to most members, the story is unbelievable

Kimichi, I agree with you 100%. Have people been conditioned to tolerate this behavior ?? If so, it's disgusting

It is disturbing(to me) to see how many men are ok if their wife did cheat but as long as she is willing to return back to him once the affair is exposed.

This is not some kind of dig at anyone or particularly Walloped. Maybe it is a coincidence but these last few months I this theme in 95% of the posts on SI or any other forum that I visit. Is there a significant attitude shift in society regarding infidelity ? Maybe men are getting used to it. But the fact is that infidelity is no longer the deal breaker that it usually is. It is just another relationship problem now.

Spaceghost(?) who actually divorced his wife is called a troll because to most members, the story is unbelievable.

Just read the men and women posts on this JFFO forum..More women seem inclined to file for divorce than men if it comes to it. There are men like Walloped that make an informed choice after thorough deliberation. And there are the rest of the crowd that are literally scared to leave their wife. They take pride in their codependency. They actually forgive the wife without her even asking for it.

WTF?

What have you been reading?

Every BS that comes on here wants to know: What can I do to get my WS back?

Very few come here guns blazing asking how to divorce immediately.

And Spaceghost a troll? Who said that?

Really - you can have your own opinions, but not your own facts.

[This message edited by WornDown at 12:18 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

I think statistics are useful insofar as much as they let us offer blanket advice in the beginning.

I forget where I read it, but slightly over 50% of cases of infidelity end up in divorce. I could be wrong (and would be happy to).

That includes one night stands and emotional affairs.

So when someone comes here with a wife with a long-term boyfriend who she was in love with, as it was here, the best position to take is a defensive position.

However we're like 100 and a billion pages in. I trust that everyone knows Wallup well enough now to reduce reliance on blanket statistics.

We can all offer our opinions as to what his percentages are right now, but the only value in percentages are the ones that he arrives at himself. There are no easy answers from hereon out for our young hero.

When did this post derail from being support for Walloped into a marriage/infidelity statistics debate?

W,

what did your mom mean when she said that she never did like your wife? Was it "let's be reactionary and protect my son" or has she never really had "favored Daughter-in-law" status?

worn down,

I think what Kimichi was saying was that there were some people who openly called out Spaceghost as a troll. Kimichi didn't call him a troll, others did. of course, I disagree with those who feel he is one.

I agree with you that very few BS come here guns blazing asking about immediate divorce but that makes Kimichi's statement valid. That was exactly the point she was making is that for very few, it is an automatic dealbreaker right now and I agree that there are many people who are eager to jump right into reconciliation even before the cheating is over.

That's why I agree with Kimichi.

That being said, I am not sure what any of it has to do with Walloped right now. Nor the stats.

I think what Kimichi was saying was that there were some people who openly called out Spaceghost as a troll.

Out of curiosity I googled the entire SpaceGhost thread, and the only time the word "troll" was used was by SpaceGhost referring to the OM.

Good on SG for carving his path. Good on W for carving his. Both are approaching it from positions of knowledge and strength, with eyes wide open.