SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have too much to say except your wife is totally outwitting you and you are cleverly getting labelled as unstable and unreasonable.

All this could have been avoided by retrieving the information from your wife's computer weeks ago. By now you could have made a decision and avoided this embarrassing ordeal. As it is, your WW is making the most out of your ignorance and posturing as the victim of your neglectful abuse.

Igotthis is completely correct. There is no more powerful weapon than the truth and the fact that they're hitting you over the head, full-on artillery, with anything but the truth is basically an admission of guilt.

I wouldn't be surprised if she was still seeing her boyfriend in fact.

@Igotthis,

I would love to be able to argue or explain away much of what you said, but I can't. I have been listening and taking advice here as best as possible and trying to make decisions that would do honor to myself and my family. I may have missed it.

She has written me hundreds of emails and texts admitting wrong doing, but I realize, that is not the issue here. What scares me is that you probably know what you are talking about and I admit, I do not know what I am doing. "Following my heart," sounds pretty ridiculous after reading your post.

If this all goes bad, I have only myself to blame. I can't say that I have not been warned. Last few days when I've came around you guys, I haven't known whether to pucker or duck. I listened as best I could. Just keep in mind I have been stumbling through this entire process. Never thought I would have to go through something like this. Guess I thought I was the anointed one, and nothing like this could ever happen to me. I never even imagined this situation could exist, and I certainly had not devised a contingency plan for the eventuality that my wife would turn out to be a cheater, a deceiver, a manipulator and a liar. I had created no contingency plan to serve as a disaster recovery plan if I caught my wife cheating. Risk management? What was the risk my wife would betray me? Zero! My wife was no risk. She was a sure thing.

I am really scared for you. Long before the first Mc session, I posted that your wife was manipulating you and already had this lined up with the mc. You trusted her. I get it. She can't possibly be the cruel, manipulative person we're all telling you she is. I can't paste on this thing but you have basically just been informed that if you don't rugsweep and play nice, your temperament is going to be used against you. And is there anything more insulting than a stranger you've spoken to for, what, 110 minutes total deciding what you can and can't handle based on what she was told by a wife who has very obviously painted a very colorful picture of you?

Dude, I hate saying this with every fiber of my being but if you don't take off those glasses that make you see your wife as the girl you married, you're fucked. There's no doubt in my mind that you married a shark in a guppy costume. She may only manipulate when things aren't going according to plan but you just jumped in the water without a cage and it's full of chum. GET OUT OF THE WATER!

Go read in the divorce forum for a few minutes. You'll find a whole lot of people in there posting one act of cruelty and manipulation after another. None of them would have believed their spouse was capable of it. Before you end up in a psych ward or with a restraining order against you, start reading your posts as if they were posted by someone else. What would you tell a friend or your daughter if someone were insulting their intelligence the way your wife is yours? I realize you have integrity. The problem is that manipulators count on it. Your wife is counting on being able to manipulate you the same way she did your daughters, the therapist, and pretty much everyone else.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 9:41 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

Next session - Do. Not. Volunteer. Anything.

If asked a question, just state that you are keeping a promise to your daughters. That you are done with the marriage. Do not mention the passwords.

Listen more. If asked a question, repeat the statement above.

Do not dig yourself any deeper by talking about what she did, or how you feel. This so-called therapist is not a friend of your marriage. She's a partner for your wife's divorce attorney. Period.

DoneGone you seem to be a nice person. So am I. I stayed with a gas lighting, abusive woman whom I let define my reality for too many years. Many 'city miles' on this face. I was a fool. When she cheated, though, I needed to be strong for my daughters, because my then-wife was only looking out for herself. Same thing happening here. You are playing right into her hands. When she gets your money, it will be spent with vacations with another man and not your daughters' college. If you believe otherwise then, gently, you are delusional.

Not so gently: You need to pull your head out of your ass, like right now. Forget the I-Pad and the phone for now. You lost them, remember? And FOR FUCKS SAKE see an attorney NOW and tell him/her what you've been up to. PLEASE!!!

Edited to add:

I re-read this today and it was a bit of a rant. We all support you! By all means attend the third toxic MC session. I just want to point out that taking the basic steps to protect yourself, such as consulting an attorney, taping the session, etc does not violate your given word. Good luck.

[This message edited by antlered at 7:00 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

Record the next session.

Contact a governing body or other therapist to get proof that whats happening here (your wifes therapist giving mc) is unethical.

You need to protect yourself

DoneGone made a decision to go to three sesssions of MC at the request of his daughters. He agreed to wait for the passwords and not hire a geek to hack into the computer and phone. Can we not agree to support him to see this through? It is not as if he had surrendered himself to limbo for a year. One week remains until the final session of MC. He has been patient and can afford to keep his word.

Done Gone since you have resolved to divorce when and how do you intend to inform your wife?

DG,

Cheating is a choice not a consequence,

No matter how bad your marriage was, I believe were not your case, no matter how recent big changes affected your life; there is always other way to deal.

No matter how she was feeling, you were always emotionally available for her to the point to make you feel so jealousy that you rather to fix it in therapy before doubting about her doings, for God sake your even told her how you was feeling and she kept lying and planning!

All her cheating is not your fault!

The way you are reacting is perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you!

Well, this is hopefully about to end next Wednesday. IMO this is how it is going to be like:

MC will try by all means to make an excuse for your wife not giving you the PS, be prepared for low punches (why are you doing this to your family, daughter), emotional threatening (you will never get someone to love you the way WW does, your Daughters will recent you forever) and blackmailing (Your wife will find someone that really care about her, etc).

Next will be the moment when MC strongly recommends to your WW to not give you the PS and to you to not look into the phone and computer, by saying, you are not ready, nothing good will come from this, what you see can never be unseen, etc.

Expect some resistance from your wife to give you what you need.

Make crystal clear to her and MC that you have done your part of the deal and are expecting to your wife do the same. Remind her that you will assume the worse and never talk to her again if she breaks the deal. Let MC and WW know that keeping you from the truth have put you in so much more pain not letting you heal, From MC trying to blame you for WW doings and making this ordeal about you was very unprofessional and has done more damage and burned more bridges than doing nothing. This was supposed to make you feel save for what happened, accept it and try to put the shattered relation together, not pointing fingers and making a fools contest about who is fault for something you don’t even fully know.

IMO if possible, take control over the situation being very calm about the whole session and then, if you are ready, you may ask in front MC, to have a neutral environment, some questions to your wife about thing you cannot get from the devices, like:

Do your ever said that you love him? She, of course, will say that she did but didn’t mean it, well she felt that way even that now she thinks/knows feel different.

If you have phone records you may be able to know when it started for sure, and you may ask were your phone calls with him worse than text/emails?

From IT guy you will be able to find out if they Skyped/Face timed but your will never know what was about? If cybersex took place, etc.

Any other thing you need to know this will be your last chance.

One last chance, very unlikely but that must be contemplated, is that WW comes clean at next MC. Expect minimizing, TT and Blame shifting. This will be the harder scenario. No matter what keep calm and get the PS to check it latter. If this happens, it will show a big improvement from your wife.

Last consideration: No matter what happen at MC ask your wife to come clean to everyone she involved in this mess.

Realize that this is not fair, life is not fair why would your situation will be? Your relation with your wife will always be unbalanced, no matter what, so when you finally Divorce her being apart will heal you.

Notice that she was/is/will be part of your life as is the mother of your children, so be gentle and fair when D, ask her to civil and ask her for her fully cooperation to make it easy and faster as possible. IMO she will try to get back to you for a long time even after D.

Last thing, when you have the text and emails, don’t forget to handle a selected ones sent by OM to his wife, just in case he lied her way out the woods by blaming your WW, minimizing, saying it all was fantasy and not that bad, never sexting, etc.

Longwalk,

I'd be very supportive if the continuous theme of therapy and his wife's emails and pleas weren't centered around his "anger issues". He wouldn't be the first guy to be set up by a manipulative wife trying to make sure she gets exactly what she wants. And since the therapist is only interested in him rugsweeping and not in hearing how he feels or why he feels that way, I can only assume that at best she's manipulated herself and at worst is actually colluding. Either way, one more session may just be one too many. I hope not but with everything he's written, this does not look good.

Since many of us are seeing possible danger here I'd say we're being very supportive because we're trying to protect him from what may very well be detrimental actions by his wife against him. The fact that she's involved their daughters and her therapist indicates there's not a lot on her list of too low behavior. Sure, maybe I watch too much I.D. t.v. but just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you.

MC wondered if I had considered the fact that me spending 12 hours a day on the job might be a contributing factor. Couple that with the fact that the children were all gone and she was feeling useless and was it not a fact that her "friendship" began around that time. Maybe she was feeling lonely, left behind, no longer needed; therefore vulnerable.

This MC is horrible. I keep wondering if she is a real MC or some friend of your wife's she convinced to "help her out". Think, are these sessions in the back of a van?

Telling you that you do not need to know the truth...but that IF you're wife did do something...it was your fault for not giving her enough attention? That... If she did do something wrong... she should be forgiven because she is so great you are going to feel bad when someone else snaps her up?!?...That keeping her computer and cell phone is wrong but not telling you the truth about what has happened (even with STD's) is fine.

I know that you are going to go to that last session. Maybe read the healing library and How to help your spouse heal so you know what the counselor should be saying/doing. It might help you when she spews just garbage.

I agree that the MC is less than worthless; she is extremely damaging.

But I also find a huge disconnect between what your wife is saying in her "heart felt" emails and the way she is allowing you to be treated by the MC. She knows this is completely unfair and yet is encouraging it. I wouldn't allow someone to tear down my H and he was the WS! IMO I would be much less inclined to reconcile after being treated this way.

Obviously the "excuses" the MC is giving to rationalize cheating are completely bogus. Both my H and I work 12 hour days and our children are out of the house and we have (now) a wonderful relationship. This person makes me livid and gives MC a bad name.

I wish you the best.

I am slightly suspecting that your WW will make sure your daughters will hear from the MC about how horrible you are/were.

Are you in IC? I strongly urge you to find a good individual counsellor to weather the storm!

Best wishes

I agree with Tearsoflove.

Look, DG. Plain and simple.

You suggested that you should have listened to us on this board but you have largely done everything opposite of what we have suggested.

We told you to get rid of the MC. You didn't. Instead, you walked into a trap for three weeks in a row. Yes, you promised your daughters, who shouldn't even be involved and have actually worked in part against you, that you would complete 4 MC sessions. Noone ever said it had to be with this MC. Yet, you stuck with her. You could have refused to go back and demanded a new one. Instead, you go in, get ganged up on and go in there and get angry easily so you are setting yourself up to be the bad guy.

You say you want a divorce. So what are you doing to accomplish that ? I see nothing so far except putting yourself through more pain than you need to. What is the lawyer doing ? Do you have one ?

Hire an attorney, get rid of the MC, and go through the process. If that doesn't wake WW up and come transparent, then you are done anyway. As for the daughters (and note I am not saying anything bad about them), they are going to have to throw on their big girl pants and understand that it is your marriage, you are the betrayed one, your anger is as a result of your wife's actions and not self initiated and that you can't do this anymore and if they care about you, they need to accept the ultimate result.

I don't understand why you continue to undermine yourself.

Sorry for the 2x4 but it is what it is

And btw, you working 12 hour days to provide for a future and good retirement with your wife makes her actions as repugnant as they get. I completely accept and respect and support your decision to divorce. You were looking at the golden years and she was looking at other guys. Not acceptable and not worthy of being married to you. And Nuckingfuts is 100% right. Stop sending above and beyond monetarily. You are setting yourself up for higher support payments to her. If you feel the ened, send extra $$ to your daughters directly as they are all adults and send only what is required and not a cent more to the WW wife who should, after her antics, be paying you.

[This message edited by Western at 7:00 AM, May 8th (Friday)]

Worst. MC. Ever.

DG,

This situation is going out of control, I know you are looking for the passwords. Obviously, they do have their plans (WW+MC).

Have some points:

1) did she have her IC session just before your last MC again? or you met in the waiting room?

2) Can you ask for an IC with the same MC before your 3rd app.?

3) Can you make sure that your WW is not having IC session before your next MC.

In my opinion you need to turn the table and disrupt their plan. For this reason, you need to act unpredictably. Meeting as in IC before, it is to lay down some facts that you need her help to fix you both (Just ACT) and she needs to work on your WW TT and her lies.

Try to ask your WW to have a coffee with you before that session and ask once again to come clean before you have the passwords, and that she can explains her act during the MC sessions. Try to let her know that you need to process what she had done and that you need some time for yourself before making a decision.

In other word try to manipulate the situation as at this time I don't thing it is going in your favor.

Nobody wish to be in this position, butttt here you are.

DON'T LOOSE YOUR TEMPER especially now. During the MC try to focus on something around anything material (Magazine, car keys, Photo on the wall etc..) and make it your horizon to stay focus and calm and sound reasonable. Little to go just stand still you are not alone.

She is not going to give you the passwords, MC is focusing on your anger and reactions, for one sole reason.

By third session your wife is going to claim you are a unstable monster file, and with the help of the therapist (yes they can if they feel some one may get hurt) have a paper trail. To get an RO (resteainin order) so you won't be able to not only dispute her, but hacking her technology would violate that.

All the things you are being called out for, mark my words when it is all said and done she is going to come out of this looking like Sally Field in not without my daughter. She already has been laying the ground work.... The therapist is blatantly calling you out on "snapping" and "outbursts."

Your wife has painted a very different picture to the therapist of what is happening.

You are going to find your self playing defense with no defensive line soon.

By the time you "try" to crack device it will be too late.... I would almost bet the 3 sessions was to buy time, and lay ground work. The therapist may have suggested more time....

The issue to them is not about infidelity but of an insecure jealous, controlling, temperamental husband who is always on the edge of snapping.....

And her going to Guy friends was just a "cry for help."

I have told you before and I will say it again..... Crack devices, exposé her to your daughters. And file for divorce....

One more session is what will deal nail on coffin.... After all after three counseling sessions you only became more volatile and paranoid..... Your wife has genuine reason to fear you getting a protective order and/or restraining order will be super easy...... She already convinced your daughter, friends, family, and the therapist.

The Authorties will be super easy especially with all the character witnesses now.

You are digging your own grave

I agree with every word of this.

DG, have you gone online and pulled the phone records for the cell phone account?

Whatever day to day life is like, kids or no kids, it constantly changes....Day to day, year by year...12 hour work days, 16 hour work days who gives a care..Good marriages are good because the partners find a nondestructive way to deal with their issues..

Blahh, I know some business owners who involve the whole family in their business and rarely have a day off, or time to themselves..And the whole family seems to thrive..It is all they know, and don't expect the good things in life to be handed to them by others...

Stress is there sure, but cheating isn't part of the picture..

It is too simplistic and deadly for the BS's to be made to believe that they can bend like pretzels to make the cheater's life/world a paradise and thus prevent more cheating from happening..

Rant over..That counselor went to school in the back of a garbage truck

I am under the impression that you already plan to file for divorce?

WW getting what she wants may or may not ruin you financially, only you know what you can handle....

I like the advice to carefully tread in this MC session, and I agree, record it...

Proceeding in a way that your future (and that of your family) is protected will enable you to recover, just a matter of time..

I hope that I will someday read that this WW's ploys and plans failed..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:42 AM, May 8th (Friday)]