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BUT i know that if i do, it will hurt my wife.

If she gets hurt, then it's a consequence of her choice to cheat. She needs to have these consequences.

What about the other BS? She's being hurt and you don't seem to care at all.

i have completely removed her ability to have contact

This is not even possible.

"I have to believe I can trust her."

You're rationalizing the obvious.

Get real, my friend--or you'll remain in La La Land for the foreseeable future.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:05 AM, August 10th (Thursday)]

i do not see how me caring about her and not wanting to perpetuate pain is so terrible.

It is too bad that you're WW does not feel the same about you. Everything you're doing is as she wants it to go. Did she give two cents about the pain she caused while showing you how much she cared for you while carrying on the A?

You want to save your M no matter what it takes. Good luck with that.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:27 AM, August 10th (Thursday)]

Your inability to act has kept me from posting here - I don't want to just pile on. But I do have a question...

i do not see how me caring about her and not wanting to perpetuate pain is so terrible.

When your kids do something wrong and you ground them for a week, or take their phone for a week, or punish them in some way... do you simply look at them the next day and say,

"Well, they get the point. They see that they've done something wrong so why bother with the rest of the punishment? It's just perpetuating their pain."

We are talking about consequences to terribly poor behavior (believe me, she did something FAR worse than your children will EVER do). And your inability to carry out consequences demonstrates that - even in the face of terrible behavior - all she's going to get is a slap on the wrist.

I get that you don't think it's "just a slap." You probably feel that the overall pain being felt in your household is punishment enough. But think of it from her end. She just screwed another guy, outside her marriage, and all she needs to do is withstand a periodic barrage of shit from you. In another way, your kid just stayed out until 3 in the morning and, instead of losing her car for a month, all she has to do is get yelled at for 10 minutes. Not so bad, huh?

Laying down consequences, like boundaries, are what shows that you will not tolerate future poor behavior. Without that line you are setting yourself for future misery.

Good luck.

Brother, please listen to these folks. Please!

I came here on DD a year ago. The same thing that you described happened to me. I could have written your post.

I started the 'pick me' dance. Told her I would do anything to save our marriage. I hit the gym and shed 50#. I bought new clothes. She said she wasn't sure if it was all worthwhile. I found out that she lied about stopping the A. She left. I begged. She came back and I was relieved. I continued to make a herculean effort to make myself desirable to her. I fooled myself into thinking that we were in reconciliation, despite the fact that she was making absolutely no effort.

Well, here I am. One year later with nothing to show for. I asked her this morning if she would go to MC with me. Nope. She's good. But I'm welcome to go if I want. Well, I'm going alright. And I'm going to keep on walking from there.

Listen to these people here. I know they sound like assholes because you think your situation is different. It's not. You're being played. There is a script. It's much easier to follow it.

[This message edited by Justabranch at 10:49 AM, August 10th (Thursday)]

Go read the first post of LuxuryJello's thread. You'll then see the need to tell the OBS, since that was the only way he found out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=609455

Does she really think a divorce will save her from ridicule and hate.?

This^^^^ Are you saying you will not speak up even if you divorce? So you want to be the martyr in everyone's eyes that will think you are the asshole in this deal, instead of your perfect (cheating, adultreous, self absorded) wife?

That's fucked up, dude! Nobody will think you are being galant or noble. They'll think that guy was sucker and an idiot.

i do not see how me caring about her and not wanting to perpetuate pain is so terrible.

That only works when it goes both ways. She doesn't give a flying crap about your pain, does she? And it's obvious she doesn't care about you.

i do want to know the truth, and maybe i do, but there is no way im going to get any more out of her. im not suggesting that she is special, but i know her and know that if pressed much harder, she will let the divorce happen.

^^^^Then let the divorce happen^^^^

She's NOT remorseful! Why, why, why do you even want to be in a M where your cheating wife controls whether or not you stay married? SHE should be afraid that YOU will divorce HER! I don't understand this at all! I thought infidelity was hard to understand - your actions (or lack thereof) are making me question your authenticity.

Your wife is not special, she is no different than any other WS. There are differences between her and other WS and that is some WS are actually remorseful!

Please, please tell the OBS.

I think that you think,by protecting her from the consequences of her actions, that you believe your wife will find it romantic. That she will see you as her white knight,slaying all her dragons to protect her. That she will fall back in love with you,if you prove to her how much you love her. That you're willing to fall on your sword, for her, if it means she doesn't have to deal with the obvious consequences that SHE CHOSE when she cheated.

I'm not your wife. But I am a woman. And I promise you she sees what you're doing as weak. And women don't respect men they view as weak.

Your pain is not a consequence. If she cared about it, she would never ask you to swallow more of the shit sandwich she has served you. If she cared, she would be eating it right along with you.

Thank you for answering my questions earlier. So she will divorce you, if you tell her boyfriend's wife, because she doesn't want to be the object of hate and ridicule. I can't, for the life of me, see why you would even want to be with a woman who cares more about herself, and her image, than she does about her children's happiness and well being.

Read that again...she cares more about her image,than the happiness and well of your children.

This is who you're choosing to protect.

And, because of the way you have coddled her, there is nothing stopping her from another affair. Not one thing. Because she thinks you're weak. And she only cares about herself.

The chances are high that she is still talking to him. It's easy enough to use the phone at her office, or get a burner phone. And,I promise you,she and the OM are laughing at how she's manipulated you into protecting him,and protecting the affair.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:02 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

I'm not your wife. But I am a woman. And I promise you she sees what you're doing as weak. And women don't respect men they view as weak.

And ^^this^^ is exactly why I recommended "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson about 20 pages ago.

TPIR,

Checking in to see how you are doing.

So everybody's good: you, ww, and om.

I get it: Fuck the OBS, her life means nothing, and it's absolutely necessary for everybody's peace of mind if she continues to live a lie.

Mama, pin a rose on me!

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:10 AM, August 15th (Tuesday)]

im hanging in there. thank you for checking.

this is not easy, in fact it sucks.

i am trying, we are both in IC and we go to MC in a week. my wife is being contrite and respectful of my wishes. she knows my trust is gone and she is doing what she can to help with that.

i dont know what tomorrow holds but im plugging along trying to find out. i still hate eery second of it, but it is what it is.

i havent told the obs. IF this goes downhill, i certainly will and i will certainly blow this up to everyone else. right now, rugs weeping.

ive become a touch more comfortable but its terrifying. i have been comfprtable with her my entire life and look what happened. if i get back there, she'll do it again. or at least i feel like that.

sucks. R is not for the faint of heart. im sure everyone will tell me how im doing it wrong and thats cool. im doing it the only way i know and the way i want. im the end if my way was wrong and it fails, its my baby and ill have to take it out on the first 25 year old i can find.

TPain is still in here somewhere....

You have to do it your way.

I reconciled in a similar fashion. Two years later i was gone. The pain, the disappointment, the betrayal from someone I knew was better than that, simply turned a wonderful relationship into a who cares relationship for me. She was totally inlove and miserable about me not being able to recommit. There wasn't any hard feelings, i just didn't believe I could be the one to make her happy.

The fact is you havent had time for your feelings to aborb all thats happened. You are in the mode of sacrificing everything to stop the destruction. Eventually, you will look at things rationally and make a call. Is it worth taking a chance on a known loser? Its hard to forget the downside. You have changed permanently. Your veiw of the world and the people in it has changed permantely. Its not a bad thing to be less trusting and you can get along great and still be wary and watchful.

Do it your way. Let us know how it goes when you get time. Take care of yourself.

Do you have a gps tracker in her body? You do know she can just leave her phone somewhere right?

I'm sorry bud. Your name is apt.

You say R is not for the feint of heart (true).....but several lines earlier you admitted you are full on rugsweeping.

OP.....you are NOT in R.

Reconciliation means dealing with the issues and behaviors of the WS that led to the A, exposing the A to at LEAST the OBS so that it is killed off and most likely stays dead, and working on boundaries to prevent a repeat.

Rugsweeping involves NONE of these steps....

Once again....you are NOT in R.

this is not easy.

i wonder if its worth it.

i wonder if its worth it.

The way you're doing? No.

You are doing the same things that got you here. It's time to change tactics.

It's time to change your whole attitude.

Decide what is best for you, and what is best for the marriage, NOT what is best for her, because they damn sure aren't the same thing.

This is your moment to stand up and change your life, be bold, be decisive, take charge of YOUR life. It is not selfish to lead yourself out of the swamp that others have left you in. It's foolish to sit there knee deep in muck and wait for help that isn't coming.