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I just dont see the benefit in telling the OBS. i get the feeling of screwing up the other guys life, and it is appealing. but i dont know what good it does me. again, if she doenst want to stop talking to him, i dont want her to because his wife knows too. i want her to be done with it because shes done not becausse the option isnt there. i will make it hard as fuck for her to talk to him, but not impossible.

One thing I didn't do after the first PA was expose it. It did me exactly zero good by not telling the OM girlfriend. When I tried to make it hard for my WW to talk to her current AP all she did was ghost it and bury it underground. I wish I had put my foot down after DDay1. I might not be in my current situation.

thepainisreal, the ironic part of your screen name is that the pain is real but the consequences are not.

I didn't expose my WW when I learned of her first affair. I didn't have SI and didn't tell anyone, not even my closest friend or family, out of shame, embarrassment, worry that they would not approve of my decision to R, worry that they would never look at her the same, etc.

I thought I was doing the right thing not "ruining the OBS's life." I really thought it was the morally correct thing to do.

I was so wrong. And I paid the price when my WW took that as license to continue on with more affairs in the ensuing years. She got off scott-free.

Please listen to the uniform advice you are getting here from people who know.

Wishing you strength.

Don't fool yourself: There's absolutely no reconciliation without telling the other BS.

You and your wife are living in R dreamland.

i used a poor choice of words by saying i didnt see how telling the OBS would be of benefit to me.

i meant to say that I can only see harm that it would cause any chance i have of reconciliation. you guys are certainly all very experienced and have provided amazing advice but at the end of the day, i am going to do what i think is best for me. obviously, this is what any of us would do. fortunately, i do not have experience in this, so im trying.

I made an appt with an MC. She agreed to go. its not for a couple weeks, so cross your fingers that we make it!

i talked about a one question polygraph and you would have thought i asked if i can take a shit on her chest. IF she slept with him, she just might take that fact to the grave.

I do not believe there is anything that i can do to force her to be honest if she really did. honestly, i believe she would go through a divorce and moving into a cardboard box. either that or she is being honest and there is nothing to admit to.

you guys are certainly all very experienced and have provided amazing advice but at the end of the day

And you have taken none of it. Strange.

Look you are right in one thing. You can't force her to be honest but then again the way she has reacted to the polygraph is telling enough. I hope you understand that you are going to try to R with someone that is continuing to lie to you and most likely still in contact with her AP.

Good luck.

not taking the advice is not entirely true. i have done versions of many of the things recommended here.

i havent told the obs because i dont want to. i implemented my own version of the 180 and it has helped.

my wife is prefessional, strong, independent woman. tactics that may work on other spouses may not work on her. shes a bit of a conundrum.

i meant to say that I can only see harm that it would cause any chance i have of reconciliation. you guys are certainly all very experienced and have provided amazing advice but at the end of the day, i am going to do what i think is best for me. obviously, this is what any of us would do. fortunately, i do not have experience in this, so im trying.

Put a pin in this. You can disregard my advice if you like, but you will eventually figure out that what I am about to say is right.

You will regret letting your wife drive the bus on this issue.

This is her last stand. She can control this because she knows that you are more concerned about losing the marriage than anything else. So long as you refuse to risk the marriage, you won't heal.

In order to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it.

Telling your wife's boyfriend's wife will harm your reconciliation?

Then you're not anywhere near reconciliation.

And her reaction to the polygraph is telling.

You are scared.

And she knows it.

You've given all power and control to a woman who has no respect for you. She's doing only what she needs to do,to lull you into a false sense of security. And since you're only requiring less than the most basic R requirements, she doesn't have to do much.

She is doing what she needs to do to protect him. That will endear her to him even more.

Most cheating husbands will throw the ow under the bus once their wife finds out. It would have a huge affect on your wife,to find out she wasn't special to him. It's too bad you've decided to not tell the obs. For so many reasons that do, actually, benefit you,your family,and your wife.

You say you've gotten excellent advice, that you have no experience in this, and you're going to ignore the wisdom of those more experienced.

I wish you luck.

my wife is professional, strong, independent woman. tactics that may work on other spouses may not work on her. shes a bit of a conundrum.

Oh T-Pain, did you really post that?

You know I am your champion and am understanding of your reluctance to do anything that you feel might jeopardize your reconciliation but that was such a condescending statement.

The implication that your wife is so strong and independent and professional and that SPECIAL that our proven strategies would not work on her. Unlike how they worked with all our less-than-special cheaters.

It is time for you to come to terms that your wife is a mere mortal like us all. It is time for you to come to terms with the fact that she is a typical, garden variety cheater.

my wife is prefessional, strong, independent woman.

And you are petrified of her, and of losing her.

There's going to come a time when agreeing not to expose the OM, won't be enough for her. She'll soon grow tired of pretending to be remorseful. Then you'll have to agree not to talk about the A anymore to appease her.

Never the less, good luck to you. I hope I and all these posters are wrong.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:59 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

I think you said exactly what meant... Don't change directions now. Own the statement and really think about... You don't see a benefit to you (preserving the marriage at all costs) and I suspect deep down you know if you inform the other betrayed spouse the truth comes out and your wife leaves. You are clearly terrified of learning the truth and have ceded control of your marriage to a cheater.

It is your life and choice...but don't lie to yourself that because your wife is professional, strong and independent that she is somehow different than any other dishonest cheater out there. Also don't delude yourself that you are doing anything noble by 'not screwing up the other guys life'... You are merely a coconspirator in the infidelity now.

If this is the path you want to take, that is your choice... You are the one that has to live with the consequences, not us. But be honest with yourself and take a hard took at why you are so very terrified of your wife leaving.

ive been very clear all along that i will do anything to keep my marriage together.

i do want to know the truth, and maybe i do, but there is no way im going to get any more out of her. im not suggesting that she is special, but i know her and know that if pressed much harder, she will let the divorce happen. none of you would suggest that you know her better than I do, right?

my statement that she is independent means that she can take care of herself as well or better than 99% of the population could.

She doesnt "need" me to live and live well. i want her to continue wanting me and doing something that ensure a divorce doesnt make sense to me. ive pressed as hard as I believe I can.

ive made it clear that im ok with getting a divorce but that i dont want it.

She doesnt "need" me to live and live well. i want her to continue wanting me and doing something that ensure a divorce doesnt make sense to me. ive pressed as hard as I believe I can.

This is still NOT a good reason for you to accept the giant shit sandwich WW has served you. Unless you are so desperate to remain married to your WW, I don't see you ever fully being able to R without ever knowing the full truth about whether there was also a PA involved. As others have previously pointed out, your WW seems to be in total control of this situation, you need to work on changing that dynamic immediately. There's no way in hell you R on the terms of a verified cheater!

i talked about a one question polygraph and you would have thought i asked if i can take a shit on her chest

On 08/02 you posted:

shes said she would submit for std testing and/or take a polygraph.

You're losing ground.

ive been very clear all along that i will do anything to keep my marriage together.

And unfortunately that's why it's 23 pages and no progress. Here at SI we call it limbo. You are still in infidelity and your wife knows you won't leave her and she hasn't faced any consequences for what she has done.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 7:59 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

Why are you posting here, thepainisreal? What do you hope to get out of this?

This are dead-serious, mostly non-rhetorical, honest questions.

Yup, you'll do anything to keep your marriage together, including letting her continue to shit all over it (and you) by continuing to lie over and over again with zero consequences.

I feel very, very sorry for you man.

Some day you'll figure out that this type of relationship isn't worth a $.25 cup of coffee.

I do not believe there is anything that i can do to force her to be honest if she really did. honestly, i believe she would go through a divorce and moving into a cardboard box. either that or she is being honest and there is nothing to admit to.

She won't do this for the explicitly simple reason that she fucked his brains out.

But hey, if you're ok with that we are too my man

i meant to say that I can only see harm that it would cause any chance i have of reconciliation.

If telling the OBS will ruin your chance of R with your WW, then you are being held hostage. Your WW is not regretful or remorseful if she is not on baord with letting the OBS know and being completely transparent.

Also, please know that you telling OBS will not cause destruction, or however you phrased it. The OM caused that all by himself.

Lastly, we may not know your WW as well as you do, but, unfortunately, we DO know a metric shit ton about infidelity. The advice you are getting is real, solid, and proven to get you out of infidelity.