SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a slightly different point of view. Do NOT send that letter to anyone. You have about .000001 percent chance you will not get divorced. Once you file, she's going to turn into an even more vile person than you're seeing right now. Read Allatsea and Abbondad's stories. She has already stated the only reason she is staying with you is because of the security. That's it. Once you get into D proceedings she's going to suck as much as she can out of you and she'll use that letter to twist everything around. "See how he slandered me - he's emotionally abusive". She still blames the A on you. Once she gets into D proceedings she's going to start swinging with both arms. You, unfortunately, haven't seen the worst yet.

If you want to tell people, tell them in person. Not only will it allow them to ask questions, they'll see your physical pain. Nothing she can say will wipe that from their minds.

I think yiu mightbwant to start reading and posting in the Divorce forum. You'll get amazing advice there. I'm one who is reconciling but let me tell you, the first opportunity my FWH got to tell his story to his "friend" well - they concluded it was All. My. Fault.

His head has since been extracted from his ass, but that is from someone who felt immediate remorse and ended their A. These people are cliches -they're all some version of the same person. That's why we're all telling you the same thing. 40,0000+ members here and while each story is different, the sub-plots are all very similar.

Lastly, I know you met with one attorney. Usually attorneys will give you the first meeting for free. Your circumstances are complicated. If I were you, I'd get a consult from every attorney in a ten mile radius to see what they say. Not only will you be armed with as much knowledge as possible, once you meet with them your wife can not be retained by them.

I know you're trying your ass off to nice this situation in whatever direction it's going but SAF, your walking in a mine field - you're at war. Arm and protect yourself and your kids.

Stay strong...

You've stated that your hope is that the letter will "shake her grip on her fantasy world" and "I'll send it unless I get immediate remorse".

Think for a second. What emotion is seeing a letter like this likely to generate? If you thought your family was going to see a letter like this about you, what emotion would likely come to the forefront?

That's the issue with doing this for your stated purpose. It won't trigger remorse. She knows what she did. She hasn't been remorseful and this reminder won't make her remorseful. It will make her angry and afraid. She'll feel trapped.

Right?

That's why I say you really need a new plan. You've been given a lot of ideas on what that plan might entail. I'm not saying that the letter can't be part of what you do. It definitely can. But, you can't fool yourself into thinking the letter is designed to help her find her way to IC and to hopefully be a touchpoint for the beginning of remorse.

Here's Allatsea's story:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=492569&HL=38923

And Abbondad's:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=513416&HL=37898

It just might help to read someone else's story for a bit.

You are missing the point here.

Letter? No Letter? At the end of your day it isn't gonna matter to a hill of beans, you know why?

Because you are not willing to make any changes, you are not willing to draw your line in the sand, and demand the respect you deserve.

Until she has consequences, and big ones for her actions she is going to continue to do whatever the fuck her twisted, blameshifting, cakeeating, gaslighting, rugsweeping arse wants.

You need to be very clear and concise with her, and tell her:

A. All contact with OM ends now. He has not rights, and will not have any rights until he proves he is biologically the father, and follows the proper channels of action.

B. You commit to staying and working on us, and fixing whatever is so broken within yourself that you chose to do this, or you can pack your stuff and go.

C. You have 24 hours to decide. If you don't then I will file for Legal S.

That's it. That's all you have to do. She has to understand that you aren't going to hang out in limbo land for another minute longer.

(((and strength))) and do go read those guys threads.....They have walked a mile in shoes quite similar to yours, and can tell you what worked and didn't.

Wait, so I shouldn't inform friends and family because I might be arrested? I thought one of the rules was to expose, expose, expose. Are the police less likely to follow up on an accusation of abuse if I file for divorce?

If you read the story below, you might understand what members mean when they refer to the handcuffs. I know you think that your WW would never stoop to that level, but neither did this guy or any other guy who's been falsely accused of abuse.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=523721

Also, cliffside has suggested you read AllAtSea and Abbondad's stories. They, too, never thought their WWs could act in the ways they did.

Best of luck, SAF.

Wait, so I shouldn't inform friends and family because I might be arrested?

Not what I said--I said to be prepared because it is a common tactic of a WW to play the domestic abuse card. Of course, not everyone does it, but it's happened enough that you need to be aware that this is a possibility. Be prepared--speak with an attorney about this possibility and follow his/her instructions on how to counter this appropriately within the law.

I thought one of the rules was to expose, expose, expose.

It is, but I wouldn't give her a heads up on it. I'd send the letter, if that's what you decide to do, including OM's family. Then I would give it to her in MC and have the MC guide you through the conversation. I'm not sure if I would tell her you had sent that to family and close friends. Certainly she didn't tell you that she was exchanging body fluids with someone else.

Are the police less likely to follow up on an accusation of abuse if I file for divorce?

Law enforcement officers are in a tough spot with this one. For every handful of women that lie about DV, there is one who is telling the truth. And of course, when that one ends up beaten or dead, the police get the bad rap. So the police are going to be extra careful. If you have filed for divorce, they might conclude that *you* have the honey on the side. This is why I strongly encourage you to talk to an attorney about how you can protect yourself should this be an issue.

This is not the woman you married. Not even close. I would start dealing with her differently because I fear you're going to get zapped badly because you don't see it coming.

Cat

Also, cliffside has suggested you read AllAtSea and Abbondad's stories. They, too, never thought their WWs could act in the ways they did.

Very true, SAF: When my beloved, loving wife was caught, she feigned remorse for one week, then out of her came the most vile, vicious behavior. I was so stunned that I was not emotionally equipped to react for a very long time.

She has accused me implicitly (and to others) of raping her and being a danger to my own children as well as to our neighbors' children. Thankfully our (formerly) mutual friends and neighbors know me well and have been equally shocked at her behavior.

I still maintain that it is only a matter of time, as she grows more desperate (she is furious I am divorcing her and standing up for myself) that she will directly accuse me of some form of abuse and/or molestation, either of her or of our children. Yes, she would indeed.

(Of course these are bizarre, damned lies; she alleges nothing of the sort in her counter-petition nor have any incidents occurred over the course of our marriage. I do not know if she believes these lies or deep down knows how outrageous they are.)

On the advice of the good people of SI, who have experienced these sorts of horrors, I carry a VAR on me whenever I exchange children with her and on the rare occasions when we are alone together. And even so I am very paranoid.

Please be careful.

Your long work hours, lack of time with family, turning down marriage counseling, etc. is NOT what caused her to have an affair.

Likewise-your change in behavior is NOT what is keeping her in your home. You claim this is fact but it's bullshit. She's very happy to let you believe it though because it takes the heat off of her.

You hope your letter will motivate her to....something. It won't. The only thing that will motivate her is facing reality and the consequences of her actions. You have been carefully keeping her from reality and she is very comfortable with you protecting her in that way.

Outing her to friends and family is one way to make her face consequences. Establishing and keeping your own boundaries is another.

People warned she may up her crazy behavior when you start making her face reality. You do not know what she is capable of because you do not know this woman. She is not the person you married.

The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves her husband. Nobody is going to tell her not to leave but they will inform her so she prepares for the possibility of danger. The message is the same for you. Be prepared, but don't let those threats deter you and steel yourself so when she does get ugly you have some methods to cope.

Don't warn her that reality is coming or tipping your hand to what you are up to/thinking. She will use whatever information you give her to her advantage. She is a manipulative liar who is ONLY thinking of herself right now. Her actions prove this.

The comments about things being out of a cheater's handbook are for a reason. Just like drug addicts or alcoholics have a general pattern of behaviors, so do cheaters. That's why personal circumstances usually only confuse and distract betrayed spouses and allow them to get lost in their own fog.

The posters here know (when we were there)what things we did because they felt right to us at the time. And looking back we know how some of the things we did caused more pain for ourselves. We only want to help you avoid those mistakes.

Reading this thread has been really tough. It's like watching a horror movie where the good guy walks into the room where you know the killer is hiding.

I hope you are able to make some of the changes needed to start your healing, no matter if your WW is on board or not. We want better things for you. Keep getting stronger!

Thanks Cat, Abbondad, Betrayed and everyone else. I know you all have my back and that, unfortunately, you're speaking from experience. I did read through the dozens of pages of allatsea's threads and you can read my response in the Divorce forum. Abbondad, you're next when I find the time.

Doing a lot of mourning today. I need to do some of that before I can really hate the woman she has become. I never imagined I could or would ever hate the mother of my children.

I'm so sorry SAF. It's one of the many phases of betrayal. I never thought I could hate my husband but, sometimes that awful rage makes me wonder what it is I feel for him. He has been the epitome of a remorseful spouse otherwise, I'd be out. It took months of him groveling in front of me before I could see past my rage.

I don't know if I hate him but, I do know that I don't love him the same innocent way that I used to.

Stay strong. When your anger comes it will serve you well.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 3:13 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

You don't have to hate her, but you must detatch from her.

I don't hate my ex. I abhor what he does much of the time, but I don't hate him. Actually, I feel a little bit sorry for him. How sad it must be to have to keep lying and manipulating in order to feel good about yourself. How much better it is to work to heal and accept the past while looking forward to the future.

I don't think hatred is the answer. Understanding that you do not know who she is and what she is capable of is a good, self-protective mindset. Deal with her in a businesslike manner and always protect you first.

Cat

You don't have to hate her, but you must detatch from her.

I don't hate my ex. I abhor what he does much of the time, but I don't hate him. Actually, I feel a little bit sorry for him. How sad it must be to have to keep lying and manipulating in order to feel good about yourself. How much better it is to work to heal and accept the past while looking forward to the future.

I don't think hatred is the answer. Understanding that you do not know who she is and what she is capable of is a good, self-protective mindset. Deal with her in a businesslike manner and always protect you first.

Cat

I have a great friend who has been down this path a few times. She's been so supportive and very helpful as only someone who has been here can be.

Yesterday she said to me ~ you have the all the facts now (or as much as I'll ever get) and it's up to you to make a decision. I can tell that you're not ready now, but one day you will be. And that's ok. You still love him and you're not ready for this to be over yet.

I feel that you're in the same place. When you love someone so deeply for so long, it's not easy to walk away. One day you'll wake up and know what to do. You're not there yet, and you don't have to be.

I make mistakes everyday, but that's what happens when you're living your real life and something unexpected happens. You're in survival mode. Take it one day at a time.

You don't have to hate her, but you must detatch from her.

^^^^ This

You don't have to hate her, but you must detatch from her.

^^^Truth! I don't hate my STBXWW either. I hate what she did to me and my family and the lying she did for years but I don't hate her. Hate takes up energy and I needed that energy for me and my kids. It takes time to get to that point but eventually you get to indifference.

I had to accept that the woman I married wasn't who she portrayed herself to be. She wore a mask for our entire marriage and the person that was standing in front of me now was who she truly was. Not the person I remembered because honestly she never existed. Once I truly accepted that the person in front of me was who my WW truly was I could truly start detaching. There was no going back because the things I remembered weren't real in my case it was all an act. My WW was unremorseful and didn't do that work so I had no choice but to move forward. I couldn't R by myself.

My M was a sham but my kids were real and the future I choose to make for me is real. Why fight against my new reality when I can embrace it and move forward through the pain to something better. Some of us have an extremely high tolerance for pain, suffering, and generally puttign up with subpar treatment from others. I was one of those people. I put up with all kinds of stuff from my unremorseful WW for 2 years. At some point the unknown of D and being by myself became more appealing than staying in the limbo like hell that my life with an unremorseful WW had become after DDay. Keep at it SAF, I wish you the best.

SAF,

Are you using DDC or Ravgen for the Paternity Test?

Those are the 2 best ones. Be careful and do your research. This is a very important test for you and your family.

Looks like we're going with DDC/Natera. It appears they check far more genetic markers than Ravgen. Also, the results are available online. I don't have to worry about WW lying to me about who is the father.

ETA: We might provide samples as early as next week with the results to be known about 5 days later. Even though I refuse to have much hope that the kid is mine, that day is going to be truly horrible. If it's my kid then I know she'll probably stay with me and we will have a chance to work things out. My kids will have a chance to be raised in an intact and healthy home. If it's his kid (as the timeline undoubtedly suggests) then our family will almost surely be torn apart. Not because I can't handle not being the father. It's just that I don't think our marriage survives with the OM in WW's life. So many things she has said since this all began demonstrate that she is unable to walk away from him. Although we can legally raise this kid as our own no matter what the OM says or does, WW does not want that. Unless she has a dramatic awakening, I fear the paternity test will almost certainly herald divorce and the breakup of our kids' household. It will mean I can only live where the OM wants me to live for the next 16 years even if I find the perfect job for me and my family. It means that I will not be able to give my sons the life I want for them.

Sorry, I'm just venting now. Rough day.

[This message edited by strangeasfiction at 2:37 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]

I'm so sorry.

I hope you are able to eat and sleep.

It will mean I can only live where the OM wants me to live for the next 16 years even if I find the perfect job for me and my family.

Actually no it doesn't. Your WW cannot move and take your kids at a whim. You can (and should) get that addressed in court if it comes to D. The courts are actually much better about not allowing children to be summarily moved. Unless your WW were granted sole physical and primary custody and you were denied any say in parenting decisions then should could not simply take your kids and go. Keep that information to yourself though and pursue your rights through your own lawyer.

Actually no it doesn't. Your WW cannot move and take your kids at a whim. You can (and should) get that addressed in court if it comes to D. The courts are actually much better about not allowing children to be summarily moved. Unless your WW were granted sole physical and primary custody and you were denied any say in parenting decisions then should could not simply take your kids and go. Keep that information to yourself though and pursue your rights through your own lawyer.

We would have 50/50 custody. Actually, I was referring about my inability to move, which as you correctly state cannot be done at a whim. I have a great job and am very well qualified for a specific type of job that pays the same (or better) but is much better for my children. Unfortunately, those jobs don't really exist in my area. The OM has already stated that he doesn't want to move. So now I'm the one who is stuck.

you realize that this statement is fictional right?

My kids will have a chance to be raised in an intact and healthy home

Just because you stay married, if your wife doesn't remove her head from her ass, and get on the bandwagon to be a good mom and wife, your home even if you stay together will be far from healthy.

Your kids deserve the best you that you can give them. Don't you think it's really better for them to have a dad that is strong, independent, and demands the respect he deserves over some beaten down man that is disrespected, lied to, and abused every day of his life?