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good post justswell.

Swat

You have all the time in the world to make any life changing decisions.

Let your emotions calm down.

Let your wife focus on her self and her issues with her therapist.

You focus on you, your job and the kids.

You do not have to decide to R or D right now. Step back.

Tell your wife to work on her issues to fully understand how she could make the bad decisions she made.

Actions speak louder than words.

Let your family get back to normal so the kids are functional.

Then you and your wife can sit down and discuss your marriage as well as your future.

HM

SWAT will know what is best for him and his family.

True and he doesn't need to be guilted into making a decision one way or another.

Swat, we are behind you whatever you decide to do. Don't let another person's advice get to you. Take it all with a grain of salt. At the end of the day, you are the only one most qualified to make decisions about your life.

I learned in IC yesterday that I can not be responsible for the outcome of WH's decisions. I can only decide what I can and can not live with and react accordingly. You are not responsible for what your WW did to your family and you have every right to be upset when it is implied that you are.

I hate that you are having a bad day with all of this.

Swat, is your WS easily influenced by others? I ask this because OM told her you were having an A and used that to seduce her. I would think most people when hearing news of a spouse having an A, would check it out, verify, confront, etc. Her response was in a different direction...doesn't sound like she was doing it as a revenge A, yet she did it. Seems odd that the OM has so much influence on her.

SWAT's wife admitted she didn't truly believe that SWAT was having an affair.

Want your kids to have a stepfather and stepsiblings? Will it comfort you to know that it was *technically* all her fault? Sorry I can't cheer you on but I don't see the fun in breaking up a family.

As the child of remorseless cheaters who did eventually divorce, this is spectacularly, phenomenally, unequivocally horrible advice. My Mom cheated on my Dad for years before some BPD psycho got her hooks into him. For years they stayed together "for the children". Over the course of those years, I learned to not respect either of my parents and I learned a lot about how to be a great doormat from my Dad which led to me accepting horrible treatment for ten years with my ex.

I'm not saying that divorce when there are two parties who are able and willing to do what it takes to reconcile successfully is necessarily the right answer, but the kids are going to be damaged by what SWAT's wife did no matter what. In my case, we would have been a lot better off coming FROM a broken home than living in one where the pastor of the church, who also happened to be fucking my Mom, was free to come and go as he pleased.

SWAT, there are plenty of good reasons to stay with your wife if she truly is remorseful and isn't just (once again) making wildly over the top gestures to manipulate people into feeling sorry for her. She obviously wants to keep the life she has. If you do stay with her, please proceed with caution because frankly, too many people jump in to "reconciliation" only to be heartbroken years later when the shock wore off and their waywards returned to their old ways.

There are a good number of reformed waywards on this site who are good, safe partners because they've really dug deep into themselves, done the work and have fixed the gaping holes inside of themselves. It can be done. I just hope you are very cautious before trusting that your wife is there at this point.

When reading closely, the other post is full of contradiction. The tone is even more than a little off. Hence the tread carefully. You are not responsible for any of this. If drama enters your party, and I think (but hope not) it's coming, DO NOT RESPOND!

[This message edited by justswell at 7:44 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

I'm reading the recent post of everybody on Swats thread.

I know everybody wants to offer him their opinions of what you all would do in this situation.

However he's in a bad place right now. I feel bad for him. Everybody offering advise is either where he is now or had been there at some point. He is angry and hurt and he should be. Just try to go a little easy on him. These post would make me angry.

Sorry don't mean to offend anybody. Don't add fuel to his fire. He's seems like an intelligent person. He will figure it out.

SWAT take your time. Enjoy your weekend. Hope you feel better soon.

No advice, but I'm still praying for you, SWAT.

Swat. This shit is hard and it ducks to be out in this position.

We all get that.

Just know whatever you do or decide we will support you. You are a smart guy. You will figure out what you need to do.

(((And strength)))

ETA: Stupid phone froze, double post.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 7:12 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]

I agree with Tush also..

As you are already experiencing, this roller coaster of good days and bad days sucks...

Light at the end of the tunnel comes with patience and kind thoughts about yourself.. It isn't your fault that you are in this situation, and it isn't your fault that it will take a long time to get some clarity into what you want for your future and to heal..Give yourself the peace of not having to make any life changing decision until you are good and ready or are forced to..

I agree, you can be a very loving and effective father and raise your kids without being married..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:15 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

Right now I don't have any good answers to my own questions and that kind of sucks. I don't know maybe I've just reached the end of my rope. I'll know it won't be easy but I would be alright if I end it. I am just not sure it would eventually be alright if I stayed

Not divorcing. Couldn't have written a better definition.

Her IC reading? Meh, so what. A great councilor will use the info as background for WW's current environment and continue to work on WW's issues. A poor one will try to work on the M. Ask WW which direction IC is going. Communication is the first thing you guys need to fix no matter which way you go.

Right now I don't have any good answers to my own questions

Honestly, no rush.

ETA Great self observation

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:55 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

as far as her IC seeing the posts... who cares... I think a good IC will be able to help her realize the depths of the pain she has caused you.

Just try to stay positive when you can and when the lights start to dim in the rabbit hole, just come visit us here. It's going to be a rough ride, no matter where you end up.

I personally am not in a great place right now, it's been a kind of rough past 24 hours or so, and I'm only about 9 months out. But you just have to battle every day for YOURSELF, first and your family, second.

Keep your head up brother!!

SWAT

Are YOU getting any help?

I know your WW is in IC and I know she’s suggested MC but are YOU seeing any sort of professional guidance?

I strongly suggest you do…

I suffered PTSD for nearly 17 years after my d-day more or less without knowing about it. Once pointed out a shrink gave me the tools to deal with it – two sessions and a short exercise was all it took.

I'll know it won't be easy but I would be alright if I end it. I am just not sure it would eventually be alright if I stayed.

If you've got to that point already, you're ahead of most of us that have been here. You have sorted through the crap and set yourself in a rational and objective frame of mind, and that's one reason you are the "star" of the SI forum as of late. You have a tremendous number of people following your story, all wishing you the very best and giving you support because we can tell you are a decent guy, and we see a lot of similarities in your situation.

I have no pearls of wisdom for you, just observations. Once I got to the, " it doesn't matter if she stays or goes" point, it was much easier to deal with. The ugly part had been dealt with in my mind, it didn't go away, but it had been processed. I elected to stay, yes, partly for the kids though they were late teens, but mostly because a divorce was just too much damn trouble trouble. Finances, retirement, property,..geez, what a mess. Ten years out would I have done it differently now? I'm still not sure if I made the right decision.

Will it eventually be alright? Assuming there are no further surprises, it depends on your definition of "alright". I've read of couples that have a stronger marriage than before as they got through this. Sorry, I just don't get that. (Maybe I need couch time). It's hard for the romantic in me to appreciate a beautiful vase when you know it's been kicked down the stairs and glued back together. You simply can't undo the damage, but maybe the effort to glue it back together might be worth it. The only thing I can tell you is that it will never be the same.

It does eventually get better with time and a whole lot of work.

Best of luck my friend, with whatever path you take.

[This message edited by twisted at 10:27 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]

You have kids together.

Want your kids to have a stepfather and stepsiblings? Will it comfort you to know that it was *technically* all her fault? Sorry I can't cheer you on but I don't see the fun in breaking up a family.

You have a family.

Why would anyone want to guilt SWAT into staying with a remorseless spouse? He can make his own decisions based on what is best for him and his children. And one thing for sure, HE hasn't broken up the family. (((SWAT))) We're (mostly) behind you, whatever you decide.

pause - SWAT, I read back through some of this and realized I came kicking through your thread with my bitch boots on yesterday. I apologize, even though it was done in good intentions to have your back. You certainly don't need me running through your playground throwing sand around lol - resume

I want to say that I think getting to a point of "blah" is...well, I'm kind of jealous. It may feel a little crappy, but it's a release from the intensity of the situation and emotions, it's a place I want to be, tbh. I feel Blah-Land or I-Don't-Give-a-Damn-Ville are some of the places from which a BS can start to see the light.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE is it better to stay together and keep a family intact when it is completely broken than it is to D. When one spouse is so broken that they have an A, and fail to do the work to heal themselves it becomes a soul sucking situation that shows your children some fucked up version of what normal is

THANK YOU^^^^^^^

Shit, I stayed and it is as stated above.... Trust that!

I'll know it won't be easy but I would be alright if I end it. I am just not sure it would eventually be alright if I stayed

I just wanted to say that I have been following your thread, and that you have remarkable clarity!

It is so easy to get sucked into the vortex of trying to move through the pain, you just want to get to the other side....you want your M, but you don't want to be married to someone who hurt you like this. You don't want to upset the apple cart, but the apples are rotten anyway.

Since you are obviously someone who is light years ahead of where I was at this stage, my only piece of advice is that I would certainly NOT do MC for a good long while, until the situation shakes out. I tried it in the beginning, it was a huge mistake. More harm than good, because he was still lying and manipulating me. Maybe he still is.

Take care.

E.