SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mgtr,

Self esteem is a measure of how you value yourself.

So in that way it is more of a constant as other poster said.

Self esteem is maintained and increased by taking inventory of what you value about yourself. What you value in yourself translates into how you live your life.

Take an inventory of yourself. I'd ask that you add into the inventory that you have found out that you are emotionally stronger and more resilient than you ever thought possible.

Hell of a way to learn it. She stuck a knife in your back then starting twisting it. You were brought to your knees. You still have found a way forward.

We are the sum total of all of our experiences, good, bad and horrible. A measure of your self esteem will be how you intend to now value yourself with this new shitty experience.

But you've showed us your going to make it, better than ever. For whatever it means to you, you have our respect.

Like others have said you need to get busy moving on. As long as you stagnate, you'll find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts.

I like the suggestion of working on a new skill. It forces your mind to focus on the task. Learning a new language or a musical instrument takes a lot of focus.

I would consider going back to school. Doesn't have to be college. Go take a cooking class. A class on basic auto repair. Take up a martial art. MMA training is intensive and the sparing will toughen you up.

IC can help but I think it has limited benefits fr men. Women are the ones that like to talk it out. Men need to take action. Your situation or mood will not improve by only talking about it. You can't change her but you can change yourself.

Don't want to offend anyone but for me, when I dealt with my wife's betrayal, it was my coming before the Lord and and praying for forgiveness for my sins and asking for wisdom and guidance. It was a dark time for me, and would not have made it without my Lord and savior. I'm praying for you.

Think of this as dodging a bullet. Dodging a bullet is very lucky. Look what she cheated with. Is this smart in your book. She's now a cheater. She's cheating with a man that doesn't mind cheating with a married woman. Between the two of them they are both cheating, in immoral losers. Hopefully, they will do the world a favor and never breed. They're losers.

You on the other hand can now look for a real woman to raise a family with. I'll bet you already know of some women that can do a better job than your wife.

When it comes to Posom and your wife remember, you can't fix stupid. You can sure as hell avoid it though.

I'm trying, it's just very hard. I'm trying to stay away from her as much as possible. I know I shouldn't care, I just hope she isn't bad mouthing me to others or the OM. Judging by her actions she doesn't seem to have really no remorse at all, she did but only for a short time it seemed like. We also got a for sale sign on our home already, we now have to decide about furniture, memorabilia, pets ( which I'm most likely going to keep). I don't know. I don't think she's thinking rational and she's obviously still in the fog, but there's just nothing I can do anymore. Friends have suggested a new lady friend, I don't think I am ready. My wife walked all over me and I don't want that to happen in a relationship again. I wish we weren't going this route, but at this point I don't have a choice. I think I need to focus on my own happiness first. I hope in my future I don't have another wife who prefers to spend her time with another man over her own husband. I know we are divorcing but she could of shown me a little more respect.. I think they're in the prime of their sexual/romantic relations. Oh well, not my business. I was invited to a super bowl party so it should be fun... for some reason I just wish she was accompanying me.. the thought of my wife being intimate and loving with another still makes me sick and envious.

Pretty sure she is staying the night at the OM'S and they're having a get together, fuck I hope I can make it through tomorrow without crying. There's going to be women there as well, mutual friends of ours. I was also invited to my sisters house, I don't know which one to go to. Everyone is mostly aware that we're getting a divorce and for what reason. We had traditions, everyone here is making me more confident that I will build new traditions and memories with people who actually care about me, thank you everyone.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 4:18 PM, February 4th (Saturday)]

GTR,

There is no short cut. You must go through the valley of the shadow of death. That she's not showing the slightest concern for your feelings after your long history is beyond fucked up. Unfortunately you can't change her. You can only change yourself.

allow your friends and family to love on you. They know what you're going through. They can't change it but having a sympathetic ear or someone that will just chat with you to keep you out of your head will do wonders for you.

If your friends want to fix you up. There is nothing wrong with a friendly date but you're not emotionally ready for anything serious. Be honest with any girl that you get with that you're not ready for anything serious and are just looking for companionship.

As for crying, nothing is wrong with that. Your family will understand and believe it or not, your boys will also. Don't put up a tough front. Let those who love you in. You will be surprised that people want to be there for you.

What got me through my time? Getting on my knees and praying for help.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 9:18 PM, February 4th (Saturday)]

The last time you went out you had a good time with your mates once you got out.

Just push yourself to go for it, pub, club,café quiz night, gym get out and about.

Good luck.

Manual,

You're eating a shit sandwich. No two ways around it. It'll be done soon.

What can we do to help. Just name it man.

She is now agreeing on all of my own terms and we have everything signed and in writing. She seems like she has guilt and is just agreeing to everything I say, also seems a little stressed/depressed. The hardest part is that I'm about to never see or have contact with this person again, my best friend/partner for 14 years, that's the worst part. I met up with friends for the super bowl and I feel somewhat better. stbxw was home alone I guess. I am also moving out, we came to an agreement about that. It hurts just seeing her everyday and wondering/knowing what she's doing. When this is over I am probably going to block her number forever.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 3:22 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

Now your healing can begin. Good luck!

This may sound hollow, ManualGTR, but well done.

Discipline is doing what needs to be done even when we do not want to.

Let your healing begin, brother.

Just to mention are you a 100% your covered legally if you move out.

Indeed, you did the best you could given the circumstances, MGTR. There were things you could not control that did not break your way, and that's the hard part. I'm sorry she didn't wake up when you still could have reconciled. You did it right, she didn't. I know it is hard to believe, but your life will be better 6 months from now and again 12 months from now. I also agree that blocking her number would be a very smart move. I think she'll develop a serious case of buyer's remorse before it's all said and done. Stop back in and let us know how you're doing periodically.

Good for you GT

Of course she's stressed or depressed. Her partner of 14 years is leaving too. but that was her doing. so...

Right now it IS the worst thing that you have been through and there will be many more tough days. But you know what, eventually you will have days when you wont think of her or the relationship at all. I noticed that "hey I made it thru a day without her popping into my head"

Soon those days will outnumber the think of her days. Then weeks without thinking of her. Then for some reason you will have a bad few minutes but you will get over it quickly. Eventually you will be thru with that part of your life and the new part will begin.

Those 14 years are part of you and made you what you are, but they will fade away like something in the rear view mirror.

You will be ok. You handled things better than most given such a shitty predicament. Block her and move on.

Are you selling the house, or is she buying you out?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:39 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

She can't afford the house so we're selling it. Why she hasn't moved in with her co worker yet I don't know. She has stayed home the last few days so I don't know what's going on with her. I still feel shock about this happening. I know I can never go back with all the lies the disrespect towards me and the details of their affair. We have to split memorabilia before I move out and I really don't know how to do it. Anyone have advice? Should I even take anything?

You don't have any kids, right?

If that's the case then I would not want a single picture or memento of the time together.

The less you have in your life to remind you of it, the faster you will heal...and it will send a powerful message to her.

I don't think I'd want any reminders if I were you, but can also see the other side. Maybe have your sister pick out some memorabilia and keep it at her place for you. If you want to revisit it later you'll have the opportunity, but if that day never comes she can chuck it for you.

I wouldn't want a thing. It just going to lengthen the pain. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be rough withdrawing. The sooner you bounce the faster you can recover.

Put a lot of distance between you and her. So you don't see or hear of her. If she quickly ends up pregnant you don't want to see or hear of it.

You never did find divorce douche's ex' info, did you? Just to confirm that he's indeed divorced and not just separated hoping to get with his family again.

Could explain why your STBXW is not moving in with him. Going over there only when the kids are not around could be that he's hiding her.

Going over there only when the kids are not around could be that he's hiding her.

That's very possible, but that's her problem, not MGTR's

No frankly I just don't think he wants her. I don't know what it is but she hasn't went out of the house in like three days, once she gets off she just comes straight home. I see guilt in her, so I'm doing my best to take advantage of it. She attempts to initiate conversation but I just don't know what to say. I don't plan on taking any of the memorabilia, maybe a few things. She made it known that she wants a good amount of that stuff for whatever reason. Pretty sure she wants to keep the stuff, I should just ask for half and burn it all but that would probably be mean.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 10:16 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

As far as memorabilia goes I had a box of stuff from the marriage. A few things and books but mostly photos. About 80% of the photos were family, 15% dogs we had adopted and 5% us.

I knew that sometime I might want this stuff so I taped it up and drew a skull and crossbones on it.

8 or 9 years later I lost 3 older relatives in about 8 months and wanted to see photos of them.

I opened the box fearing the worst but the stuff had lost 98% of it's bad juju. It was like I was looking back on a happy time in my life, pre divorce was a good time in my life and now is a good time . The divorce era sucked but that was in the past. I made it thru that time. You will too.

Take a few things. Don't obsess, look at them sometime in the future.

She made it clear that now she is not your's to worry about. If her life is in shambles she needs to deal with it after all she lit the fuse. Actions have consequences

Deal with your feelings now - see your friends and sister.

Self preservation bro!

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 10:22 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]