SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

KimberlyWonderld,

Please start your own thread in this section. That way people can respond to you, and help you.

And, yes, it gets better. I promise you that.

There are wonderful people here to support you, and guide you.

By starting your own thread, those people can find your story.

Please reach out for help from people in your life too.

@Kimberly, when you are on the Just Found Out page, where all the threads are listed, you will find a “Post New Topic” link at the top right and bottom right. Click either and tell your story. This community will reach out to you too! Glad you found us. Sorry you’ve had to join our ranks.

Kimberly, I understand. Truly I do.

Always a class act.

You're going to make some woman one of the happiest persons on the face of the earth.

LtC - I got to read your post last night thank you for sharing.

I am amazed at your strength and preparation. Don't think this "mission" is complete. You must plan just as hard for the next part. You will need the help of a new team - whatever works for you - counselor, clergy, friends, literature. This part is just as important to your healing.

I am so glad for the wonderful SI members who have supported you thus far and will continue to do so. I wish you all success in now healing from this.

Best Wish - LC

LtCdrLost,

i have been following your thread since you started it. i am more active on another site, but i have been lurking here for a while.

i have to say, you have handled yourself better than most. pretty good stuff.

incredible planning and execution. i have worked with a few of your peers all over the place and i can say i really wouldn't expect less. you guys are a tough bunch.

it sucks that you are here, but you really are handling this quite well. from what i have seen, the one thing that all betrayed spouses need most is also the hardest thing for them to find at first: a solid plan.

you sir, have that in spades.

LtC,

from SnowToMyArmpits

With balls that big I'm surprised you could walk out of the O Club when it was over

LOL, I must agree!

After my dealing with the infidelity beast many years ago, I return to the wonderful collective of people here as SI, and I've seen hundred of these real life soap operas develop and unfold right before our eyes. Sometimes we forget that that this is real life, with real people, in real time. It's easy to be a keyboard warrior and to tell someone what they should do. I can't imagine anyone handling this mess any better with your circumstances.

I wish you the very best.

[This message edited by twisted at 9:20 AM, April 16th (Monday)]

Awwww. I cried when I read the detailed post of the encounter with your STBXW. Just soul crushing. I still, stupidly, hope there IS a reasonable explanation for the behavior. Again, there wasn’t. I was holding out hope your situation would, at last, be different.

I haven't read the whole thread. But awhile back, someone asked if there was a "worse case" situation of cheating. I wrote that cheating on a pregnant wife was the lowest of the low.

I've changed my mind. Along with the lowest of the low is cheating on a deployed spouse. Just evil.

LCL,

The detailed account was painful to read. You've received excellent advice and support thus far. Take some time to care for yourself. You've burned the bridges. Now take care of you. As you've been advised, the worst part is yet to come. The inner turmoil. I take no pleasure in warning you about it. Once the shock wears off, it will get a lot worse before it gets better. Your mind will try to process the how's and why's to exhaustion. But you're at a huge advantage because you've excised her from your life.

It does get better. 2-5 years is the typical timeline. It's very non-linear. And you're going to wish like hell there was some kind of hack to make it go faster. There isn't. Just process and try to keep moving forward. This shit brings even the toughest men to their knees. So allow yourself to grieve and break down every once in a while.

Again, thank you for your service.

Bro Hugs.

LtCdr,

You have my upmost respect for how decisively you handled that confrontation.

You deserve the best and showed a textbook example of how to get out of infidelity.

Please keep updating and I am looking forward to the Om for what he's going to get

OK, the rabbit hole I'm going down right now is "What could I have done differently to prevent "A" from straying?" I know, I know... Probably nothing. But where I'm at specifically is A: What if one or both her miscarried babies had successfully carried to term, or B: What if I had pressed harder to keep trying & there were one or more children in the house? Would that have kept her legs closed? I can't know that, can I?

LCL, this is a typical part of the roller coaster that comes with infidelity. Cheating was 100% her choice, she might have done this with children in the house. Please don’t try to justify her actions, this will never make sense to you as under no circumstances would you have made the choice to intentionally lie, cheat and hurt your partner. It just isn’t in you to take such action against a loved one.

Please consider counseling to talk about how to deal with the bumps that are coming.

[This message edited by Shockedmom at 11:00 AM, April 16th (Monday)]

That's a natural rabbit hole to go down. If we bear some responsibility for their choices, that means we had some semblance of control. The unsatisfying but true answer to your question is that she didn't cheat because you or your relationship were lacking. She cheated because she lacked character, felt entitled, and thought she could get away with it.

None of us are perfect. No relationship is without its struggles. If perfection were a requirement for someone to have a faithful partner, there would be no hope for any of us.

[This message edited by h0peless at 12:32 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

We've all asked ourselves similar questions LtCdr. There's no way that any of us will ever know. I've resolved myself to the fact that no matter what I did, it would probably have happened at some point regardless. There are multiple times in each individual's life where everything lines up and you have to make a decision between right and wrong. When you're dealing with someone whose morals are flexible, they're eventually going to choose the wrong.

Yep its a rabbit hole but... you know that she didn't care about OM's kids...would her own kids have been different? She didn't mind being with a man that would leave his children on Christmas to have sex with his mistress. I don't know. It's a catch 22 she might not have been as lonely but she might have been more stressed and had an affair because of the stress.

MC are more common than you think. If she had really wanted a baby it would not have been a done deal. There are so many fertility specialist and doctors that could have helped. Did she lose them well into the pregnancy?

In the end she could not handle deployments.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:11 AM, April 16th (Monday)]

In the end she could not handle deployments.

It's probably no more complicated than this. Some wives can't and don't, most wives can and do. My erstwhile bride is in the former category.

I'm meeting the Group Chaplain after duty hours today. He's gotten some of my colleagues through hard times, talking to him can only help me.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:10 AM, April 16th (Monday)]

LCL,

This is 100% on her. There are 1000 things she could have done if unhappy — talk to you, talk to a therapist, talk to friends, divorce you, the list goes on and on. She just choose the worst possible way to handle whatever was going on. There is nothing you could have done.

I think of it like a flaw in a diamond or a stone. It has always been there, just not visible. The right stressors/opportunity/whatever came along and the stone fractured along those flaws. It was on her to recognize the flaw and protect you from it.

Hang in there buddy— it’s a real E-ticket ride. Enjoy the strong moments, hold on during the rough spots. The only way out is through, but you have started the journey.

Sorry you are here, and thank you for your service! (I’m an Army brat.)

-BB

OK, the rabbit hole I'm going down right now is "What could I have done differently to prevent "A" from straying?" I know, I know... Probably nothing. But where I'm at specifically is A: What if one or both her miscarried babies had successfully carried to term, or B: What if I had pressed harder to keep trying & there were one or more children in the house? Would that have kept her legs closed? I can't know that, can I?

There are DOZENS of men here who can say without a doubt that kids in the house wouldn't have stopped her. You would just have had a much worse time divorcing.

Also, for those interested, the POS who enjoyed my wife and her comfort for six months is not much enjoying life right now. I have no idea what his wife is doing about his extra-marital activities, but the charge sheet was read & presented in his CO's office earlier this morning. He's currently charged under Article 134 with the sheet in an open status pending the JAG investigation. He now knows he's officially fucked.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:26 AM, April 16th (Monday)]