SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Really just want to know what happened in detail, so I can make my final decision. I made a MC appointment for next Wednesday by the way. Who know if we will make it by then. I def want this timeline finished before we go

This comes from IU Hoosier. He just posted he wants to know what happened in detail, NOT WHY, so he can make a final decision. He also clearly stated that sex with OM IS A DEALBREAKER AND THAT HE IS NOT GETTING behavior from her that is at all positive.

What does guessing why she is pouting do to help IUH, other than say to continue to get no remorse, no information, to feel like he is close to not wanting to continue at all, but give her all the understanding in the world and plenty of space to miss her boyfriend.

On another thread someone wrote, the purpose of SI is for people to safely heal from infidelity, not to reconcile at all costs and IUH has not stated that is his position.. This has been going on since May 12 when he posted and he is stating he is not feeling like there is any real improvement.

IUH, I hope you continue on with no hesitation on getting ALL of the information you need and deserve and do not get sidetracked by her wants, her reasons, until YOU make the decision whether you stay or go. This is about you, NOT her. She is the cheater , not you.

The pouting and sadness is because when she got back from Mexico, she thought she was going to have herself a nice little affair, and her party got spoiled by a stroke of good luck. She is in a real fix now because you are closing in on the truth and she attempt at rugsweeping is NOT to going work unless you let it.

Glad you said the timeline gets done before you go to appointment. I hope you stick to that or cancel the appointment

[This message edited by Badhurt at 1:51 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

My college roomate is getting married this weekend and I'm in the wedding. This should be an interesting weekend with her.

Go in with your head held high. Be cordial with your WW. Enjoy the day with your roommate. After all, it is his day with his soon to be.

What does guessing why she is pouting do to help IUH, other than say to continue to get no remorse, no information, to feel like he is close to not wanting to continue at all, but give her all the understanding in the world and plenty of space to miss her boyfriend.

Badhurt, what the hell is your problem all of the time?

I wrote that so he might not have to think that she is just whining because the OM is not around.

It might not have anything to do with the OM at all.

Other opinions do not deter IUH in any way shape or form.

Other people have a right to post on this board what they think might help without you constantly badgering.

Boys, this is about what UIH wants and needs. Not who is right or wrong.

The theme song for SI isnt "Under My Thumb" by the Rolling Stones. It isn't even I Can't Get No Satisfaction.

He hasn't disclaimed interest in saving M, yet has stated his deal breakers. He deserves the truth one way or another. It isn't The War of the Roses, at least not yet.

Shouldn't our suggestions be aimed at him getting to the truth?

She seems willing at times to discuss the subject (I.e. The recent texts) by providing openings into discussing the A. Maybe I'm wrong, but pissing her off is counterproductive to what I see as the immediate goal here. If he gets truth, and not TT,he can decide what to do. The divorce is already started so he's way ahead of the game as as I see it.

IUH,

You stated that if you discovered that there was sex, then you are done with the marriage.

I don't remember, but did you ever tell your WW this? And, not trying to be sarcastic in the least---is sex an absolute dealbreaker?

The reason I ask this is twofold. The first reason is that while many of us believe sex to be an absolute dealbreaker, we often re-assess that viewpoint when we discover the truth. If you know that you are done with this fact, then so be it. But, if you think hard about it, and there may be a chance that you can work through this, then I recommend that you look deep inside yourself on this topic.

The second part of my reasoning, is that if you have told your WW that a PA is a definite dealbreaker, then she would be trapped NOT to confess this....if she actually did have sex. What would be her motivation to confess, if she already KNOWS that it is a guaranteed marriage killer?

If there is a possibility to work past a PA, then that is what your WW needs to be assured of---that there is still a CHANCE of reconciling, versus a GUARANTEE of failure if she can't be honest.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 6:14 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]

JB3199 brings up a point about that you could reassure your wife that no matter what she tells you that you will forgive her. You are certainly able to take that option if you want to but before you do I would make real sure that you want to go down that path. Here are the reasons

(1) Are you going to make that commitment and mean it BEFORE she tells you anything so that means no matter how many times she may have had sex, or what else she may have done, that you are going to live with that and want to R. If you go down that path, you need to be able to lay down next to her at night, not have mind movies, and not trigger every time she gets close to you or look at her, and these are issues that it is going to be very difficult to determine you are OK with just to get her to tell you something. How you can go from your stated feel;ing on this to that just to get information i do not know but that is your call.

(2) There is still no guarantee that even if you say that that she will come clean and you will get no more TT from her

(3) It will set a precedent that no matter what she does in the future you will forgive her even though you say you will not.

And you might want to look and see how many on this forum who do forgive that because they are desparate for R wind up with DDay #2 and more.

People have done R and forgiven that and you may come to that eventually although I doubt it. I just do not think you should tell her that just to try to have her do what any WW should do. And what will you do three or six months from you when you can't sleep thinking about what she did that you agreed to forgive and she will tell you that you said you forgave her. Big commitment on your part with nothing from her that you cannot get in other ways if you really want to

The point is she should be wanting to be totally transparant, tell you the truth, and do everything in her power and she is not. I am also just curious now that she knows you are snooping regularly and you have no heard anything on the VAR of significance she probably suspect it is there. So she probably has just created a new e mail address because all of a sudden there are no phone conversations in the car.

IUH, before you go to MC, you can solve all of this without having to do anything different for $450 for a polygraph. There are numerous instances on this forum and that being done and there is not anywhere near the uncertainty that you are and will be dealing with for a lot more money and a lot more time on MC. This would not be necessary if she was in any way behaving like someone who desparately wants you and wants your marriage.

Again, I hope you stick to your guns and make no compromises. You should and do not have to until you are sure you want to R.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 8:27 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]

If this was just a one night thing in Mexico and they did have sex, it would be a very different story, then right now, and probably something that would have been much much easier to get through.

I think the emotional A and all the lies and attempt to sneak around is much more damaging. If you couple that with actual sex, I think it's a deal breaker. The problem is there was so much planning and thinking done by her to progress this relationship with OP. Again, who knows how I would feel if this was the actual case, but I don't think I could live with that.

As far as what I have told her. I have not told her that sex would end it right there and then. For the main reason, I want to make sure she would tell me if it happened.

She gave me a timeline last night and there wasn't any big surprises. She is sticking with they only made out and this thing was 95% emotional for her.

She is also sticking with that she isn't sure about us. She told me she thinks she did all that, because she wanted to be selfish for once and she felt trapped by me. She wants to gain more individuality back. I said it sounded like she wants to be a single college coed partier and I don't think MC is going to change that.

Did you ever ask her what the screw up was?

Re being unsure, could she be playing the role of hard to get to make you pursue her? I know it's not politically correct, but some women love the role,of being the pursued prize. That's why some engage in affairs,,isn't it? She may not want to be the single coed,party girl with everybody and anybody, but wants you to "prove" you love her by pursuing her, aka kissing her behind.

Is she at the big 30? Women know they are not automatically young and desireable just for being themselves at that age. Maybe she's feeling her age, and this fling recaptured the youth you took from her. (Her thinking,, not mine). Reading the many tales here, it appears,that women enter affairs for attention ( unless they are just flat out crazies) which she doesn't think you are providing enough of to her.

Just remember, all the stuff above is moot if she's not willing to find out why she adopted this risky behavior and how she can avoid it in the future. The A is still,issue number 1 at MC.

IUH

You have it right. When WW want a more "space" it means she wants to be free to do what she wants , especially when you wee not an overbearing husband to begin with.

More girls trips, more GNO, and more d days. She is not committed to you . And basically where she is is what she first told you that she did not know if she loves you , the old I love you ibut I don't know if I love you.

You have to make your choice if you can live with that and if she is telling truth . You are right the lying and planning is sometimes as bad as sex.

Some one posted the relationship is poisoned right now . Unless you want to let her party I think you need to let her go but that is your call

IUH, she may not have literally had sex with this pos, but in essence she did. She had already made the plans to and the only thing that stopped it was you finding out. I'm so sorry.

Yes the lying and planning and all the work that goes in to the betrayal is the real knife in the chest. The fact that they go to so much effort to do what ever it is they are going to do is so hurtful. I'm sorry brother I know it sucks.

Hi IUH,

I'm back from several long grueling days in a row at work, & am sorry to see that not much has changed for you.

You are still in limbo.

She still has not decided if she is “in” or “out” of the marriage----She still feels unsure?

That is a way for her to keep all the power.

She continues to be selfish ,immature, & entitled.

She is not acting remorseful. You are being disrespected & humiliated.

Her not making a decision is a decision.

She is saying to you: "I am not choosing you."

She is stringing you along, fence sitting.

Whether she is still actively involved with OM or not, she is putting her own immature, selfish needs before YOU.

You deserve so much more than this.

It is abusive. Put an end to the abuse.

She feels trapped? Time to let her go free.

I am going to copy & paste a post that I wrote to you a few days ago, for you to re-read:

She sees that you will just allow this to continue on indefinitely , hoping that she chooses you. You may even be thinking of doing the "pick me" dance to try to sway her & entice her back. You'll give her all the time she needs to figure this out.

This is called cake eating----she has the comfort & stability of home base, but gets to eat cake (Prince Charming) too. And it will continue on as long as you let it.

Just read some of the threads in General on Limbo, or go to the ICR/Support for BS in Limbo thread

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=415668

to see what the future will hold for you if you do not take action.

You need to make it less comfortable for her. Make her see what it will be like if she does not completely recommit to you & soon.

You might start by telling her that you would like to discuss plans of dividing up the household, etc.

Take the next step to show that this is not acceptable to you.

We have a saying here, that you have to be willing to walk away from the marriage in order to save it. In fact, sometimes that is the only way to save it. If it doesn't work, it was not worth saving.

She is also sticking with that she isn't sure about us. She told me she thinks she did all that, because she wanted to be selfish for once and she felt trapped by me.

And she discussed this issue with you at length in hopes of rectifying the problem or simply decided it was a good time to be selfish and leave you to your own devices. This is the problem. They prefer to blame others for their short comings in communication.

She wants to gain more individuality back. I said it sounded like she wants to be a single college coed partier and I don't think MC is going to change that.

I agree. She gets some attention, its fun and utopia. For now anyway. Reality is much different.

Ok, so for the ever always changing behavior of my wife. She is sending me probably the dirtiest texts she has ever sent to me. I'm going along with it and so on. She's talking about meeting up somewhere in a parking lot, before she goes to hang out with a few of the girls I work with (they have a monthly wine club.) We haven't been intimate in two weeks.

I'm beginning to question whether she's mentally stable. In about 3 weeks (maybe 4) she's gone full circle numerous times. If she's not nuts, she's probing for your weak spot. I don't think she wants a D, but she sure is going to be trying to change you or at least get you pliable to her way of thinking.

Stay cool, Steve McQueen. Stay cool.

Texts and parking lot meeting? Do the letters BTDT mean anything to you? Maybe you have taken the place in her head of Dudley Dowrong. Very strange indeed.

It is a power play. She is trying to appeal to your baser urges.

Do what you want, but make sure to leave the emotion out of it and be clear about what it means (i.e. just the act, it does not mean everything is ok).

BTDT myself, it keeps you from feeling bad about it afterwards

Ok, so for the ever always changing behavior of my wife. She is sending me probably the dirtiest texts she has ever sent to me. I'm going along with it and so on. She's talking about meeting up somewhere in a parking lot, before she goes to hang out with a few of the girls I work with (they have a monthly wine club.) We haven't been intimate in two weeks.

Strange twist indeed.

As odd as it sounds...she looks to want an affair with her husband? People do some strange things.

Maybe it's one-sided hysterical bonding. Even though I have never read about that on here.

HOOVERING

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

[This message edited by mchercheur at 3:54 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

It's simple/ she is trying to manipulate you with sex. Not uncommon . I don't see how that changes anything.

Her original plan was to keep having sex with you and like her friend in Mexico have some on the side.

Get laid if you want but don't let your penis do your thinkingx that's what she wants.

That's probably what OM got also. She learned to be more sexual in texting with him since you never saw this before.

How does that change whether or not she wants to be married.

You also better respond because if you do not she will use that in therapy to excuse her behavior.

Remember how she told you she could not wait to see you in way home from work two days before she was going to bang the POS

Don't fall for this. You need consistent behavior that she wants to be married to you involving more than sex.

And check that VAR because sex or no sex with a few glasses on wine in her she may do something stupid

[This message edited by Badhurt at 6:23 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]