I know this is stupid and some of you may rightfully smack me in the head for doing this but without actually looking for it, I found an email exchange from january. I wanted to post this so its all in one place so I can come back here and read every time I feel weak. Obviously no one has to read it but just reading it myself makes things much clearer.
I had had it because he was SOOOOOO angry with me for blocking the doorway when I moved apartments. He specifically asked me to keep it clear so they could get in and out easily. I closed it because I needed something beind it and forgot to open it again. He gave me the silent treatment for days until he finally blew up and told me why he was so upset. Becasue I didn't listen to him and it was a sign of disrespect. I was livid. After weeks of not talking he sends me this email
"With all that’s been said to each other, coupled with the fact we are not talking, are we to assume that we aren’t together anymore?"
To which I responded -
"Are you serious ? Do you read the emails I send? Please see attached ( in particular the last 3 paragraphs)
It seems you have no desire to work on things or take responsibility. And I can’t do this alone! You say you love me but I have to seriously question that. I know I love you and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I would have given my life for you, I would have gone to the ends of the earth to make things work. So we could be together.
I don’t want a one-sided relationship. A true friend wouldn’t go weeks and weeks without so much as a text to see if I’m ok. But Don’t worry, surprisingly I am.
I just wanted someone to put in as much effort as I was(even if it was just fixing relationship issues) and who treated me with dignity and respect.
Based on my last few emails I thought it was pretty clear I was looking for some feedback. To me this email below just seems like a half-@ssed way to end things because you don’t want to come out and say it. If you need to be free, by all means, do it. We can take down all the pics on Facebook, remove the relationship status, and move on with our lives. Just wish each other well, and end this chapter of our lives. At this point, this is your call.
Why? Because I’m still on the fence about it. I have more thinking to do and haven’t sorted out my feelings completely. I can’t say with absolute certainty what I want. I am leaning one way, but I still waver. I’m ok with taking a few months break to think. So much history and love and time invested, it’s hard for me to walk away forever. And I know once we end it, it will be for good. I think we both know that.
If you want an answer now, then I have to say my answer is yes. Only because I can’t give you a straight answer. I will not put up a fight, call you drunk in the middle of the night, try to sabotage any of your new relationships, or keep hope for a future together. I will pray for you and your family and wish you a bright and happy future.
So , as much as I know you don’t want to hear it. If you need an answer to your question now, it is going to have to be you who ultimately makes the call.
Then he responds with
Yes, I am serious. It is a legitimate question. I read emails, except when it is anger and ranting which is what your last emails were mostly. It is a question I was asking to see if you had any clarity on your end.
You’re frequently playing the “you don’t take responsibility” card when I have never claimed it is all your fault. I have never said this is all you, and never said I was the one in the right and you’re the one in the wrong. You wanting to pin me into that corner is inaccurate and an excuse. Saying that you question whether I love you is another excuse. If you question that, then we don’t need to be together. We have both given our lives to each other, given time and love and history, and have been going through many times of trying to make things work so we could be together. You said some pretty harsh things, as did I. It hasn’t been getting better. You said maybe we shouldn’t speak for a while, to think about things. But now I’m at fault for not being a “true friend” because I didn’t reach out to you to see if you’re ok. It goes both ways. I’m happy to hear that you’re doing well. That’s good. I have never been more confused about anything before in my life.
It seems things still aren’t any different from when we last talked. A lot of your email below is a “dig”. Do you read emails, you have no desire to work on things or take responsibility, you say you love me but I question that, a true-friend wouldn’t go weeks without a text, you don’t treat me with dignity and respect, making a vague reference to my ex, etc.
For what part of your emails were you looking for some feedback? It seemed to me you were more intent on being condescending because you felt I was being the same in my emails. That’s not the way to have a discussion or correspondence. My question is not a half-@ss way to end things. I don’t need to be “free,” I need peace and happiness. We both need and want that.
I’m not willing to make the call, because I haven’t sorted out my feelings either. That’s part of the problem. With all that we have been through, and knowing that we are on limited time, I would like to have a more clear cut idea of where we are to go. And since I am on the fence about it like you, it’s very hard to walk away forever. And yes, I do know that it would be for good. Even though I may always hold out hope for a happy future together simply because I believe us to be once in a lifetime.
I don’t “need” an answer now. I was only looking for your thoughts on it since you asked me that same question over text a week ago. I’m not wanting, needing, or wishing to make the call.
then I said
Sorry ill send a full response but I don't get the "ex" part? What did u think I was trying to reference? Bc u could t be further from the truth. Your ex has not crossed my mind when typing any recent emails
he says
Saying you won’t call drunk in the middle of the night, or try to sabotage new relationships, or hold out hope for a future…
so my response -
Well I guess I didn’t even realize I was doing that (referencing your ex). It’s not really about your ex, it’s about what girls usually do in these instances. I can see now why you thought that. I’m just saying I’m not that girl, never have been. I wasn’t trying to dig on her, she’s the last thing on my mind. It’s almost strange it’s on yours – have you two talked? I would not be upset if you had, it might help bring some clarity….
Oh….And you guys were holding out hope for the future???? That’s news to me!!? - I didn’t know that was part of the equation and if I did, I think you know what I’d do. I thought you told me the relationship was “over years before it actually ended”. This is a real shock to hear. I feel you kept me in the dark about this. I understand that it’s hard to say that sort of thing to someone - but saying the complete opposite is a lie. Not cool at all….the more I think about it the more im disappointed.
Maybe talking to her would help, (if you haven’t already). I am serious.
Oh and speaking of holding out hope, you don’t have to do that with us either, all you have to do is take in what I’m telling you and try not to see it as a dig or a criticism, try to take it as constructive criticism because I’m on your side, not against you. I want what’s best for you because that in turn is what’s best for me. Then you don’t have to have hope……… we can do more than hope for a happy future together we could actually have one
The first thing that comes to mind is 3.5 years . This next part is sorta contradictory to a lot of what Im saying and I guess that’s why I’m so on the fence. That’s a long long time to get to know someone. Yes we have some bumps but We have so much uncertainty. Doesn’t that mean the writing is on the wall? Are we stupid for not seeing it? . It iseems crazy to me to not be sure after almost 4 yrs. But then again it’s not crazy because I’m right there with you and I get it. Maybe we don’t want to see the truth. Maybe aren’t meant to be together. It seems like you can’t put your finger on what it is I’m doing incorrectly, and I’ve asked many times. You’ve even told me in a recent email that I don’t need to change anything, or do anything to make you feel a certain way. So where does that leave me? If I can’t act on it, then I have no recourse but to do nothing. And doing nothing gets me nowhere.
I wasn’t trying to dig , but I get frustrated when I feel I’m not being heard ( just like you, I guess). I’m not typing out these emails over the last few years because it’s therapeutic for me. I do it to communicate with you and help me, help you, make me happy (and in turn making yourself happy). This is something I wish you would have done for me as well. I have read over emails and texts we sent thought about things a lot. and I see a pattern. say the same thing over and over again. Countless times.---for example. We don’t communicate well, I feel you’re condescending, talk down to me, sometimes you have little to no patience with me, you get angry about things that don’t make logical sense t i.e. they are not things to get in screaming matches about. And when you don’t respond with “OMG I am SO sorry I need to work on that. Anything to make you happy, etc etc blah blah”, I get very frustrated and upset that I’m not being heard and you don’t care about my feelings. I wish sometimes you would go through old emails and texts and realize I’ve been saying the same thing, in one way or another, for a long time. And even more important than the apology itself, is the lack of action on your part. There’s never any change or an attempt at changing. Never looking inward. I’m not just saying these things for my health, I am saying them to HELP you, (and help myself). There are things I think you need to know, and if the shoe were on the other foot I’d appreciate knowing. I may be unhappy about it at first, but at least I’m aware of the problem and can work on it, either for you or for my next relationship. I see it as Helping you either in your future relationships, or with ours hopefully.
If you could tell me something that could potentially affect a future relationship, or my relationship with you, then I would want to know. Good bad or ugly. So in that spirit – and this is not easy to say ,nor is it easy for you to hear, I’m sure – and I hope you take this in constructive way, do you see I’m even scared to type it? (and I don’t know why because I have said it before) ………………at times you can act abusive. I say “act” because I know you are not an abusive person. But There are times when I think to myself, if one of my friends were to come to me and say “oh my boyfriend and I got in a huge screaming match because I spilled water on the stove, or didn’t fold the laundry right, or whatever……I’d tell that girl to run don’t walk. When I think of things like this I wonder if I’m doing the right thing?. Am I in an abusive relationship? Just asking these questions makes me sick as I never thought I’d be here. And I know we both have love for one another , so how could it be so? But why am I having these feelings? Why Do I feel like I’m constantly walking on egg shells and worrying about the way I eat, whether I’m smacking, what I’m saying, how im acting, etc. I don’t know….sometimes it’s like I’m scared of you. And that scares me.
And yes, You never said I was in the wrong and you were in the right about things. But by NOT saying it, you’re implying you are. Know what I mean? When you aren’t apologizing or anything, it’s like this whole thing is my fault and I’m the one who needs to change. But I ask what can I do to change and you can’t give me a direct answer. It’s crazy making.
I didn’t mean to give mixed signals about not talking/vs checking up on me. I know I said we needed to stop talking for a while, but my whole life has changed. Aren’t you even a little curious how things are going with me? I can see how you thought it was a dig and maybe when I wrote it I had those intentions, I can see your point. I can’t ask for silence then get mad when you give it to me. I didn’t expect you to call every 5 minutes, but maybe a text to let me know you miss me, thinking about me, curious how the new living sitch is going, or even that you’re having the time of your life and are happy without with me. Something to give me an idea of where we/you stand. I’m in this gray area where I don’t know whether to pick up the pieces and move on, hold out hope for us, or what. I just wanted to know where you stood I guess….even if its just a hi hope you’re well (not that that tells me where you stand, but shows you still care at least a little). I know you’re a good friend and would be there for me if I needed it. I just felt abandoned and when I feel that way, I lash out. I am old fashioned in a way and do feel the man should work harder, take charge, go after what he wants, etc. When I don’t see that I think you don’t love me. Guess that’s what I meant. And also I feel you love is conditional like I said before. If I am healthy, if I stop smacking food, if I am organized, if I don’t complain, etc..
I feel good about myself. I like myself, I think I’m an unbelievable catch (something I haven’t thought in years), I think I am special, and irreplaceable. Why am I feeling those things now? I don’t want to think it’s because we aren’t together …………………but is it?
My friends and people I see semi-regularly have been asking me why I’m always flying solo and where you have been. Obviously part of that is because when we’re doing our own thing I’m going to be with them, without you. But my point is that I’d bet my life savings that your friends aren’t saying those things. Wanting us to work out, etc. And I know guys are different than girls. But do you see that my friends WANT us to be in a relationship together? Do yours? Or are they thrilled that I’m out of your life? Telling you how much fun it is to be single and happy they have a wing man? How can we have a good relationship if you or your friends aren’t “friends of this relationship”? Does that make any sense? If your friends are telling you , get out now, run, – it’s better being single – you seem unhappy – and then you are forced to come over and hang out, you are not going to give me your best, you’ll resent me, etc. And then I will feed off of that and then we will have a bad time. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy and a would be a never ending cycle.
We would have to stop any cycle as we keep doing the same thing over and over again. It gets better for a little bit then goes bad again. It is so unhealthy for us both.
I don’t know if you’ll even hear what I’m saying here (because in all honesty I’ve said it in an email before and I know how you don’t like to hear things more than once)-----------But-------- I need for you to have an “aha” moment. An epiphany. Realize that you will never find another girl like me. And don’t want to. That you are about to lose me. That you are at fault for many of the fights. That you will work on it, your temper, your patience and that you are sorry for treating me in any manner that is anything but respectful and dignified. That you SEE what I am even talking about. (that alone scares me more than anything – that you don’t see it) That you care deeply about the health of this relationship and are willing to WORK. Not just go out to fancy dinners and go shopping, but stick around when things are crappy, work through things when we’re disagreeing, have patience and understanding with me and not choose to yell or put me down when something happens that you don’t like, make me feel treasured and safe and an equally respected partner, make QT time for each other, be happy instead of being right, thankful that I’ve given you a second chance, think that you hit the jackpot. Because it doesn’t get better than me. It just doesn’t. I don’t mean to sound cocky. You may not fully realize now, and sometimes I don’t either, but I have faith in myself more than ever and and what I have to offer. People like me aren’t on every street corner. I’ve lost my self-worth in the last few years but am now finding it again and realizing that I am pretty damn special. And I have offered it to you. Myself. And it’s like I’m just sitting here waiting for you to accept it. At some point a person has to ask themselves why am I offering up this gift when this person doesn’t want it. The more the gift is offered and it just sits, the more the gift loses value and depreciates.
All of the above is what I wanted feedback on. That you take responsibility. That you can LIST OUT the things you’ve done wrong. That you can TELL ME, what I’ve done wrong. That you can tell me what you’re going to do to try to fix it. Or even tell me to F off and you are done. SOMETHING. You could have just filled out that silly little sentence. You could have told me that you do love me and take me as I am currently (if it’s true). You have never said that. That you get too angry too quickly over silly things and you REGRET that. That you mistreat me over anyone else in your life and that you realize its not the right thing to do. That you resent me and will work on knowing why, and helping me help you lose that resentment. Or that you are not happy and you want to part ways. Make a decision.
See ….I’m trying….I’m trying to fix things. Asking you questions, where did I fail you? Looking at myself and wondering what I did wrong. Thinking, researching, talking, praying, everything and anything I can do to fix what I feel is about to be irreparably broken. Time apart is my last resort. I’m scared you’re doing that in this break. You may not have given it any thought at all and you are entitled to that too, whatever you have to do to help yourself. Be it blocking it out completely, and going on about your life – or taking a good look inside and try to fix what’s broken. But sometimes it’s like you don’t even realize that I’m the only one doing any work here. Taking any blame. Trying to sort things out, both with you - and within my own head. You have to ask yourself and find the answers yourself to what your happiness is, what you are looking for and what things you can live with and can’t live without.
I feel that we should not communicate until either one of us has not a doubt in their head….stay together, get married or say goodbye. When you know, please let me know . I will do the same
he replies with this
So I need to set a couple of things straight before I leave for the day in case I don’t get to finish the rest of this email. I didn’t think you were that type of girl, and you wouldn’t be at fault if you did that. I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t do those things if we were to breakup given our history. And no, we have not talked. It’s not strange, I thought you were referencing that because that’s what she did. And I was never holding out hope for a future together with her. She maybe was, which may explain why she was contacting me. I was done and I would not hold out hope. Haven’t heard from her or anything since the “accidental” butt dialing incident which you know about.
Our relationship is different. It’s much deeper. There is nothing to be shocked about. You misunderstood what I wrote in my email. I didn’t keep you in the dark. I was never interested in a future or holding out hope for a future with her. We really can’t communicate sometimes, it drives me crazy…
and this is what I get in return
It is frustrating that we have these misunderstandings like we did yesterday. I did read the entire email you sent. Like I said, I just wanted to respond to the first part because I didn’t want you to think those things you wrote for a minute longer because they weren’t true. The rest of your email deserved a thoughtful and heartfelt response, which is why I wanted to take some time to formulate my thoughts exactly. I’m sorry you thought I was referring to work when I said I need to set a couple of things straight. It had nothing to do with that.
As I have said before, I have never had a connection like we have before in my life. Never cared so much, loved so much, wondered how a future would be together with anyone else. I can’t say that I won’t hold out hope for us, because we are one in a million. I know how special you are. How special we are. So if we do decide to part ways, I know I will always wonder what could have been. But you’re absolutely right, we could do more than hope for a happy future together, we could actually have one.
3.5 years IS a long time to get to know someone. So many memories, so much love. I’m not really mindful of or choose to focus on the bumps. I see the happy times more in the forefront of my thoughts. Sure there is uncertainty, but NO ONE ever gets married knowing everything. I think the uncertainty is normal to a point. I don’t think that means the writing is on the wall and we are stupid not to see it. I think it means we are mindful enough to know that marriage is a very difficult thing to master. Different personalities, different trains of thought, different people. There needs to be a balance, and that balance can only come from good communication. This is where we fail. We constantly assume or read into what each other says, rather than questioning the things that we may assume and letting the other person give their point of view and explain it better. We need to give each other the benefit of the doubt more frequently. That needs to be more often than not, and right now it is just the opposite.
You’re saying that you’ve asked many times what you’re doing wrong and I can’t give you an answer. Or I say, you’re not doing anything wrong. Sometimes there may be something that bothers me, but I don’t know how to say it. Afraid that you’ll respond in a way that causes a fight. Get offended and tell me I’m a jerk. Resent me for saying something. And I don’t want to rock the boat. Sometimes it isn’t anything in particular that may bother me or is something you’re doing wrong, rather just a different way to do it than my way. And that doesn’t make you or me wrong because we do things differently! So when you ask that question, it seems to be a very macro question, and maybe that’s why I say nothing because I don’t believe you can sum it up and say OK, this is what it is and if we fix this we are gonna be fine! I see where you’re coming from about not being able to act on it to fix things. I get that. And it’s a valid feeling. But I think it’s more of a case by case situation and how we deal with each thing that pops up on our day-to-day journey together.
We do say the same things over and over because it is the things we both agree we need to work on! I.e. our communication. And I am SORRY, for you feeling that I talk condescendingly toward you. I don’t intentionally think I’m going to talk that way. No one has ever said I do that, so it is hard for me to figure out why I am making you feel that. Is it possible that you are taking it the wrong way? It could be, given that our communication sometimes isn’t the greatest. Is it my word choice? Do you feel that way because I may say things similar to the way you dad says things or my dad says things? I mean, they are both foreign and sometimes my dad says things that I think are condescending but I chalk it up to the way he is translating what he would say in Turkish to English. A lot of times things that are said in Turkish can come across very much that way. It’s just the culture and the way people talk. It’s no nonsense. Almost military like, and everyone does it female and male. So I don’t know? I’m not saying you’re wrong for feeling that way. I’m just trying to give you a possibility as to why you may interpret it that way. When you feel that way about something I say, maybe it’s best to say it immediately so we can talk it over. Of course I want you to be happy and care about your feelings. You being sad is not good for you, and it isn’t for me either. I know you are saying these things to “help”, but I can’t say I’m sorry for speaking to you condescendingly when I don’t know what it is we are talking about. In my opinion, it is more a disconnect between what I am trying to say and the manner in which I am trying to say it, AND what you are hearing and the manner in which you think I’m saying it. I’m not perfect, but I’m certainly not out to get you or make you feel anything less than what you are. I may expect a lot, but so do you. And that doesn’t make either one of us a bad person.
I’m sorry but the part of your email where you say I “act” abusive is not constructive at all. If you feel that way, then maybe you should get away from me. Run and don’t walk like you would tell a friend. Saying that “oh my boyfriend and I got in a huge screaming match because I spilled water on my stove” is a total misrepresentation of the truth and you know it. I said you “should have listened to me”, very similar to “I told you so” and this wouldn’t have happened. You took offense to that, saying that I was belittling you for it when all I did was speak the truth. You got offended because you took it to mean me saying you’re not a good cook, or won’t be a good mother, or you’re messy and sloppy, or whatever else. I simply wanted recognition and acknowledgement that when I said the water was boiling over and you shouldn’t let that happen or should find a way to clean it or whatever, it was the right thing to do because look at what it led to. The entire apt smelling like garbage for days. Instead of getting worked up about it and reading into what I was saying, a simple you were right would have sufficed. And I know you’re saying well “you never tell me that I’m right”, and you’re correct in feeling and saying that and I will work on making sure to point out the times when you’re right more frequently. And this isn’t about who’s right or wrong!!! It is simply a point to say that entire situation could have been avoided without any arguing. A simple I’m sorry, you were right. And it’s not about you doing a nice thing for me by cooking my favorite meal and me not being appreciative of that. I’m always appreciative of when you do that. After all, I was the one cleaning up the mess because you couldn’t stand to have the smell.
If you think I act abusive, or that you’re scared of me then please, please, please let’s go our separate ways. I know you’ve felt those things in your family structure in the past and I don’t want to add anymore to that. There is nothing scary or abusive about me. Never has, never will be. If someone I didn’t know and care for were to say something like that to me I would be very offended. I’m not as offended now with you saying it, only because we are trying to work through some things and I want to give you the benefit of doubt because I am not perfect. I’m sure I said some things in anger that I would take back. So have you. So neither one of us is innocent. That word abuse is thrown around quite a lot this day in age and in this pathetic reality tv show of a life we live in America. People don’t have any idea what abuse is. So if you think I’m abusive, I would love to meet the person you think isn’t. Maybe it’s a saint. Telling me that you feel like you’re walking on egg shells around me, thinking about the things you say, smacking food etc. is you saying that you want to not feel that way so I should not want those things. I do those things EVERY DAY. I try to make sure I do think about things before I say them, how I act, how I eat, etc. It’s out of respect for you, and the people around us if we are in public. If I had a habit of picking my nose, or scratching myself, or whatever, don’t you think you would want to tell me that?? Don’t you think I would want to know? And you make it seem like it happens all the time. It doesn’t. But when it does and I point it out, it turns into an argument because you get offended. If you think you’re in an abusive relationship, please leave. That way I won’t ever have to abuse or act abusive to you anymore. Nothing could make me feel happier than to know you’re in a safe environment and don’t feel the need to walk on eggshells or whatever. I’m sorry, but I can’t be in a relationship where I know the person I am with feels that I act abusive toward them. I would never hurt a woman physically, never have, and that word abuse is more associated with physical than psychological. Psychological is up for interpretation, and physical is obvious. I’m shocked I feel the need to defend myself on this topic. SMH.
You’re life has changed, I agree. And I’m sorry you felt that our silence or my lack of checking up on you was in any way unloving or uncaring. The timing of all of it probably made it worse. But we needed time to think. I needed time to think. I am curious with how things are progressing for you. But I’m also quite sure that you are doing great because you have a good environment and great friends. You should feel very lucky to have those friends. I have grown to like all of them very much. They all have your best interest at heart. I have missed you, I have thought about you, about us. About my life and my happiness. And at the same time I have just taken a break from the normal routine. Worked on getting my life organized, preparing for 2013, doctors appointments, etc. It wasn’t my intention to leave you in a gray area, or abandon you. I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I needed some time away I guess. To get away from the constant bickering and resentment. To forget about the bickering and resentment and remember the GOOD TIMES. It’s all so very hard. I will always be here for you as a friend. ALWAYS. It’s hard to think about our relationship, see the pictures in happier times, and not get sad. I don’t want us to be a tragic failure. At the same time though, something has to happen for us to feel both of our needs are being met. I DO love you unconditionally. That doesn’t change. The other things of being healthy, etc. are things that I value in my life and hope that I can be with someone who values them equally. That isn’t conditional love. They are things that make me happy and are important to me. It may be considered selfish to have those needs and wants, but it is not conditional love.
I’m happy to hear you’re in a good mood more, and are motivated and fulfilled with having someone in your life more. I could tell for a very long time that you were in a rut, because of being deprived of human interaction. I guess that can drive anyone crazy and make them sad. Good to hear you guys are getting to be even closer than before. Like I said, I would do anything for you so you’re more than welcome for helping out with the move and storing the stuff. Also good to hear you reinstated gym membership. That’s kinda ironic because at the beginning of January LA Fitness could not charge my credit card so they have been calling me incessantly trying to get me to give them a legit credit card. In all seriousness, they have called 17 times. Left 14 messages until my vm box was full. I am so peeved at them for doing that I may just cancel. It’s so rude to call that many times for what, 29.99? Plus I started the insanity workout, and I absolutely love it. Missed only 1 day in the past 2 weeks and I definitely see some crazy results. I have so much more energy and so much more strength in my lower body. Been eating better too. Got a list together of foods that are good for you and I like and have been rotating between them. So things are good for me. Just different without you, and I get sad that I can’t share it with you. I think the reason things are going so well for you is the combination of everything you said. You got out of your living situation, have someone around you more often, can share your thoughts and feelings with someone you can trust and gives good advice. You’re getting out and going to gym to get your heart rate up, and are organized so both your body and mind are stimulated and satisfied. And maybe its because we aren’t around each other at the moment. It gives you more time to focus on yourself and your own well being. You should feel good about yourself. You’re an unbelievable catch that’s for sure. I have always said that. I know you don’t want to think its because we aren’t together, but like I said it’s more than likely a combination of everything. Us not being together included.
My friends have been asking why I’m around more and how things are with you also. Actually, J is the only one that I have spoken about us to. Your ex neighbor B asked why I’ve seen him twice in 2 weeks. I guess he hangs with S and when S calls to see what’s up and we make plans B somehow ends up in the mix. Those guys don’t know anything. Just that its football season and the playoffs so I’m around more. t is getting a divorce. Shocker. And J isn’t as close with him as he used to be. t is a pretty big mess. We ran into him and he and I almost got into a fight. He pissed me off and after I heard some things that had happened I told him he was a a$$___. So I would expect not to see him anymore, given that the last time we saw each other was over a year ago anwyays. So I guess you lost your life savings on that bet because guys are just like girls in some respect. The friends that I have WANT me to be happy. They want us to work out. J wants so bad to have a girlfriend, he just doesn’t have confidence in himself or the people he meets. So when he asks how everything is progressing between us, I think he wishes we would work through our differences so he can have confidence in relationships. You’ve never thought my friends cared about our relationship or were friends of our relationship. That is why you are saying these things. You couldn’t be further from the truth though. They want what’s best for me and us. And usually the response they give to any discussion we have is, “you guys will work it out, you always do.”
I hear you in saying you want me to have an “aha” moment. I do know I will never find another girl like you. I do know that I am about to lose you. And the same goes for you. I think I’m a catch and you’re about to lose me. That’s why this is a tragic predicament. You think I’m at fault for many of the fights, I need to work on my temper, I need to work on my patience, I need to be more respectful, I need to be more dignified, I need to stick around when things are crappy, I need to be thankful you’ve given me a second chance, I need to think I hit the jackpot, I need to stop “acting” abusive, I need to stop yelling, etc. etc. That doesn’t really sound like a partner that is willing to work on things. That sounds like someone who feels they are jilted and taken for granted. Well, I feel the same way. So how does this work now? You can say all you want about how great you are, and how special you are, and what does that mean? What does it prove? That I’m not? I think the more you think in this manner, the more we are doomed to succeed. Without coming out and saying it, you’re the one that’s putting yourself on a pedestal. I do know these things, and if I didn’t think these things it would be a very easy decision to move on. So you don’t have to flaunt or throw it in my face or insinuate I’m an idiot that I can’t “SEE” these things. It’s getting us nowhere, and it’s only aggravating the situation and pushing me away.
I don’t really see how you’re trying to fix things and that I’m not. I’ve taken plenty of blame and it upsets me when you say I haven’t taken any. I’m SHARING the blame rather than cast it either way. You are STILL wanting to do that. I don’t understand why. Just when I think you’re being reasonable, you flip a switch. It’s really unfair. I will always love you, no matter what happens. But when you feel like you can have fair communication and not cast stones and point blame, only then can we truly move toward a happy future together. Until then, I don’t see how this is going to work. I’m so sad again…
[This message edited by suspicious247 at 11:17 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]
