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She is the one who is paying for the house.

I am not leaving yet. So, we will be roommates.

Don't have a lot of info on you. Do you work?

You need to think outside the box, because remaining in the house with her is untenable. She will remain comfortable, which is NOT what you want.

She needs to see that this just got real. You will not comfort her while she pines for Mr. Unicorn Flame. Honestly, how old is she?

Find a way to get her out of the house. Have you seen a lawyer yet?

I know you say it "has" to be this way but it doesn't. Put some thought into this.

Do not remain her comfort zone. If you do, she will never change. She may not change anyway, but if she doesn't, something still has to change with respect to the marriage, doesn't it?

Has the OM sent a NC letter? Made it clear your WW was a mistake he regrets, that the woman he chose to spend his life with was is and always will be a gift to him?

This may be unorthodox, but if you communicate with the BW, then suggest that however the A ended, the OM didn't do it in such a way that made it clear your WW and the A were a mistake. This leaves not only her pining for him, but more likely to fish and try to pull him back into the A.

They still work together, the BW should know that there's a risk. It's not often that an A ends the first time around, especially if there is continued contact.

Hey Felco,

The OM wife says his he is totally committed to the family and marriage.

At least this is what he is telling HIS wife. May not necessarily be accurate.

Your wife is referencing the movie the Notebook with regard to OM?!? Dude! You deserve better than that!!

If I were you, I would start talking about a new movie script you are working on where the wife cheats with some loser slug and the husband goes ballistic and sets all of her favorite stuff on fire, takes the kids and leaves her in the smoking embers that used to be all her favorite stuff. Like her cell phone, computer, iPod, iPad, lingerie, makeup and especially her shoes.

Sorry dude, I hope you can get tough with her. It is the only way, believe me. Take care.

E.

I am not leaving yet. So, we will be roommates.

If you can't leave and she won't leave that's fine for now. It's not ideal with a unremorseful WS but do what you can when you can. You can still do the 180 and still put boundaries in place. I recommend you see a L and discus your options prior to making any big financial moves or moves that could set a precedent down the line. Seeing the lawyer doesn't mean you have to file but it does mean you will have a better understanding of custody issues, any ramifications if you move out or she moves out, etc if you do choose to file in the future.

The roomates thing with an unremorseful WS sucks but is doable. Treat it like it's an actual In-House separation if you can. I did my own laundry, cooked my own food, and basically spent time doing things I wanted to do by myself and with the kids. Keep discussion with your WW to kids and finance related issues only.

Your doing great Felco, don't get down on yourself. Don't buy into her bullshit. She's still hella unremorseful and foggy. This shit sucks and is hard but you will get through it no matter what.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:23 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

See a lawyer. Maintain the 180. You will get through this.

Good luck.

Well... I would tend to agree with her reading “Not Just Friends”. However all you can do is offer it to her and suggest she reads it. Otherwise it can be like forcing a cardinal to read the Koran in the hope it changes his believes.

Look – what I would suggest is to make the “he is my twin-flame” (puke) issue not the issue. She’s fully entitled to thinking he’s her twin flame and that the sun rises from his @sshole. But the REAL issue is that YOU don’t have to settle for being the option. So if she says she can’t avoid having those feelings for OM then fine, that’s totally her call. You are NOT going to do ANYTHING to kill or change those emotions.

HOWEVER… YOU are not settling for being a compromise. That is the real issue.

Think of it this way: Ten years from now – do you really want to catch her looking at you and you wonder if she’s thinking about how she could have done better? Do you really want to wonder for the rest of your life if she’s happy or if she’s only with you “not to disrupt the children”?

And about that “let’s not disrupt the children” BS… Your WW needs to wake up to reality. If she’s such a movie freak then tell her to rent Kramer vs Kramer. That’s a more realistic portrayal of divorce. Divorce is the process of establishing the least required interaction between the spouses divorcing; this includes custody, visitation and all that. It’s a consequence of not giving all to a marriage.

By all means consult an attorney. Heck – just go online and see what applies in your state. Chances are the house is marital property and whose paycheck is used for the mortgage is irrelevant. If she’s making more money than you then chances are she might need to pay you CS IF this goes to divorce.

There is one conversation you should have with your wife: If OM is all she makes him to be then WHY does she cut him loose so easily? Why isn’t she going after him despite his response of wanting to be with his wife? Why does she settle for being disposed so easily? How come – if OM is soooo luuuuuvly then why is she settling for you?

Make it clear to her that while she mantains that these are her emotions for OM… Well then she’s selling herself short by not following through on them. So you are doing her a favor by standing firm on your stance, as well as yourself.

Ask her how she can accept a marriage that’s a compromise.

She doesn't want sex with you anyway and you are living in the same home. Nothing has really changed for her and I imagine she will be quite happy with the new arrangements.

Until you file and move out her attitude will not alter, since you are co-parenting and she's basically missing nothing of value.

Her avowed love for her eternal soulmate has distracted from the fact she had passionate sex with him on many occasions and then she has the nerve to dismiss her adultery on the grounds that it part of an incredible, romantic, souls intwined love; so special that mere sex is a small part of the equation. If ever the OM wants her back, even temporarily, she will be there. The twin flames will burn in unison once more.

The main problem is your lack of anger coupled with your fear of losing your marriage. If you don't have the deep-seated desire and resilience to follow the excellent advice give in this thread, then by all means keep your wife happy and go along with her wishes. You will be second-best but you will have your family and your marriage intact. Thats not for me and other posters, but if you are unwilling to risk losing your marriage and are prepared to forgive an unrepentant spouse, then it could be your preferred option.

So, she is now wondering why I am making such a change.

She went to council ing and discovered that she hasn't been happy in a while. She started to say I was not there emotionally when I changed jobs and she was nursing my son.( which I already admitted prior to the affair)

She was like we don't get along and I get annoyed with us.

Ok, then you want a divorce.....no but

I told her that she should go be with him. And if he is all this then why is he with his wife. "He's a man and can swallow those feelings". I said I am a man and I could not just swallow some deep feelings.

So I made her go sleep on the couch. She said "what difference does it make now" I replied," we better get used to being alone"

She is now saying that she is hurt by the feelings she has for him and us. Blah blah

Oh well.

As you can see I threw out the 180 during this verbal exchange but I am pissed right now.

Tired of this deep love bullshit.

Talk to an attorney, $3000+ to go through a divorce....wow.

I am going to stay with my sister from Sunday to Wednesday or Thursday to figure things out.

(((((Felco)))))

I'm glad you're seeing through her bullshit, and that you're taking a stand. Of course she's wondering why, because until now you've allowed her to walk around professing her love for another while keeping all of her comforts of marriage. Sorry, but that isn't how it works. She's being pushed off the fence, and she doesn't like it, at all. She's saying it doesn't matter now, and it isn't her fault, and she's hurting, and blah blah blah

It's just her desperately attempting to get you to revert back to the man that is crying because he wants her.

She is completely lying about OM swallowing his feelings. She knows it, but doesn't want to admit she meant nothing to him.

So let her be alone, loving a married man that is with his wife and glad to be there. She can grow old alone, wasting her life on a fantasy. You deserve better.

Use your anger to move forward, and help you to stay strong.

I would also make sure you speak with an attorney before leaving your home. That can get weird there have been others here that left home because the WS refused to leave, and ended up not being able to get back into it, despite being the primary breadwinner, and caregiver to the children. Stay in your home, just away from her.

She is going to get all kinds of crazy now that you have upset her happy world of duel life, and pushed her off the fence, so be ready for her to be angry, regretful, and even appearing remorseful. Just remember what comes out of her mouth cannot be believed or trusted, watch her actions, those will tell you what she intends to do.

(((and strength)))

So this morning she comes to me, after sleeping in the couch, and says can we find an arrangement to stay I. The house together for the kids.

I said I cannot do that to myself. I will not be able to move forward.

Again, I told her that he is doi g the right thing and is with his wife and family and he is sleeping with his wife.

She says, I cannot change how I feel. Do you think I want this. She still believes this OM and her are the twin flames. I told her that she created a fantasy. She says the council thinks its more than that.

She wants it all. I told her that I spoke to a lawyer since she makes more she will be paying me CS! That burst her bubble of keeping the home.

[This message edited by Felco at 8:47 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Yesss! You go Felco!! Now turn on your heel and show her your best 180. You can do this! Strength to you!!

E.

I guess I take back my statement about MC - your wife isn't ready. But, who knows what crap she is giving her IC!

What defogged my husband (and fast) was reading about how common he was -- how the "feelings" he had during the affair are the feelings everyone has in an affair! Nothing special - no soul mates, no "twin flames" -- can I just say, that is rich. . . and what does it even mean? Aren't all flames pretty much the same?

I don't know how prone to fantasy and delusion you wife is. Is she normally pretty down to earth, or does she live in her head? My H's OW created this huge fantasy about him, and god only knows if she has gotten her head on straight yet. It is entirely possible that the OM has realized what an unparalleled ass he was, is deeply remorseful, and just wants to get on with his life. I wonder if it isn't harder for women sometimes because they have to believe "the dream" in order to live with themselves. But, she isn't dealing in reality.

So, any exposure to reality is good for her -- books on infidelity, coming to SI, and just making herself knowledgeable. Perhaps you can approach it like, whether you were "twin flames" or not, you acknowledge that this was an affair. Why don't you read up on how to get over it? Because if she really does want to get out of the pain, this is the only way.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:08 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Good for you!! The next time she says she can't help how she feels, just say "Neither can I, and I feel a deep urge to get as far away from you as possible."

Or tell her to have fun being 'in love' with a man that is working hard to rebuild his marriage and wants nothing to do with her. Remind her that if he cared, at all, he would have at least messaged her that he was sorry and he loved her, but he needed to stay with his family. He didn't do that - he threw her under the bus and never looked back. I'd probably laugh after that, but that's me.

You could also print out a page or two on 'hysterical bonding' and write on them 'Do you think OM is having fun with all the sex he and his wife are probably having?'

Really, the best thing is the 180, but these are fun to think of.

t/j

Ok - so I looked up "twin flame love" and there is such a thing -- it says:

"These days, many relationships between people who claim to be ’in love’ are focused more on the physical, emotional, mental or sexual aspect. It can sometimes be an egotistical or selfish love and often demands continual compromise to make the partnership work. If it is either an conditional love based relationship, one where ego is running the show, or once the romance or the passion dims, conflict or indifference begins and the relationship may eventually come to an end. The Twinflame relationship can not be romanticized or idealized. This relationship is not about dependency or lustful desire."

So - an affair is the exact opposite of this "twin flame" business.

(((Felco))) I'm glad to see you standing up for yourself and your beliefs! Stay strong friend, you can do this! And I'm glad you found some righteous anger!

I feel like I am approaching this in the right way. She knows where I stand. I told her I will be leaving for a bit on Sunday to figure things out and see what the next step I need to do.

She is standing strong that the OM is not in love with his wife and has the feelings for her.

She says he is not happy.

I am thinking of texting him and letting him know that she is available and if he not into her then he should give her a NC letter.

What do you all think?

I say you text his wife and let her know that your wife insists he is not happy, and that you suspect they are still talking. Let her deal with him. He will most likely lash out if he is cornered like that, and let her know exactly what he thinks of her, and what she means to him, and what really matters.

I would also let HER know that your wife is now free, and that she most likely will be pursuing OM, so OBS may want to be on the lookout for contact.

She is standing strong that the OM is not in love with his wife and has the feelings for her.

LMFAO!!! So she thinks people in affairs ONLY lie to their spouses? Your wife is an idiot.

To make things worse it is evident that your wife is waiting for the OM's marriage to fail and then she will move in with her soulmate. Sounds as if their EA is continuing at work and he has indicated that it is your WW he wants to be with. With this frame of mind she will not reconcile with you and become emotionally closer, since any minute now she is waiting for the reunion of the Flames. She is probably confident that the OM's reconciliation will fail; didn't he say he loved her and not his wife? Then she needs to keep herself sexually and emotionally pure for the possible return of her lover.

She is refusing sex with you because she belongs to the OM; her body belongs to him and she's keeping it sacrosanct until he reclaims her.

Don't know what you can do with this mindset; its almost a holy quest. Until she realizes that he is never coming back she isn't going to put any value on your marriage, or any remorse, or any effort to repair the damage she has caused. I would file and takes steps to rid yourself of this immature idiot. Otherwise you are waiting on the OM's decision; he seems to be in control not you or your wife.