SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

yop))) sending strength!

Are you really prepared to enforce those boundaries?

(I think so!)

Therefore, I see this playing out this way:

yop enters therapist's office, says his peace (piece?)

-----pause -----

(you've spoken, now you're done. I mean DONE, as in done done done)

-----------------

50 bucks to SI

IF

one of the stated boundaries is not broken within the first 60 seconds.

AND

to receive the donation,

it will have to be reported that you walked out & refused the trampling.

60. Seconds.

50. Bucks.

Easy money, SI, easy money.

I'll even sweeten it.

120. Seconds. = 25 bucks.

If she lasts even 5 minutes, you'll have to come and revive me.

jjct, you are one fantastic guy. However, I should be fair. This "meeting" is going to be as fair as possible. I will give these boundaries and consequences at the end of the meeting so that we can get this shit out on the table. They are mostly going to apply to future visits or interactions.

However, that said, you and I both know that there is a good chance that we may not make it to the end of the meeting. Too many things could happen with her in that time.

If that should happen, I will more than gladly meet you on that bet!! I will match it for sure.

Honestly I was just writing with someone and I told them, I have come to the realization that I myself, am just done. I've let go of the outcomes. If she should violate any of the boundaries and not finish the meeting, I will never speak to her again, I'm fine. She commits suicide, I'm fine (well as fine as could be). She actually is able to follow my boundaries, fine too. I really feel like I've moved past this and it's now like she's the one finding out where I'm at. She's behind me now trying to catch up.

I really want to say thank you again to everyone. SI has really prepared me for this moment. I know my story is not the typical story around here as I'm not a BS or WS. But this shit has been going on for 25 years and I finally feel like I have the strength to just let it all go. I have an understanding of what this all is, more importantly an understanding of what I witnessed as a kid, and I had none of that prior to coming here.

Thank you for letting me use my voice here. I'll do one last new thread in JFO when I get back and move on. After all, it's not like I JFO. But I did JFO these past months on how to deal with this mess.

Thanks again,

yop

im so happy for you that you have reached that place!

william, I know you will find your place of peace. I hope to be the first person there to welcome you when it happens. In the meantime I will always be around listening to you.

I'm not a BS or WS. But this shit has been going on for 25 years

No, but you are a BC. You need to survive infidelity just like the rest of us.

I'll do one last new thread in JFO when I get back and move on.

I hope that doesn't mean you will be leaving us, yop. You have great insight that you share with us and are such a caring supportive person you would be sorely missed.

You have grown so much in the time you have been here. I am so "happy" (don't know if that is the exact word) that you're having this day of reckoning with your mother. I know that was most likely the last thing on your mind when you joined us. I feel this is really what you need to do to move forward and put this all in the past, once and for all. Not that your dear brother's death will not forever be with you, but that you can have peace when you think of him. (((yop)))

Hi YOP,

I have come to the realization that I myself, am just done.

I believe your DOR is your need to have your final say and end the relationship. Because I agree, she will never live by those boundaries.

Noble for you to confront her on behalf of your brother and your father, but I hope most of all you do it for yourself! For that young 16-year-old who found that vile diary. I will keep you in my prayers.

My confrontations with my mother never went well, I have confronted her numerous times. Of course, I was never as prepared as you are. They always ended with my being finally "DONE." However, she always managed to drag me back in, begging and pleading, even after I insisted on NC ever again. I capitulated because of guilt. There was nothing positive for me or my kids in that relationship since then.

So I hope this DOR puts the control of NC in your mother's hands, and that you can let it go. Let her go. I believe is best for you, best for your family. Go with strength and know that I am praying for you. Take care.

E.

Thank you for the kind words my friend!

I will tell you this.

I was reading the writings of an author who wrote about betrayal and abuse, writing in the late 1800's/early 1900's.

Her advice to one particularly troubled man - who had been served the 'suicide threat' was that he must make himself willing to stand there and accept that, rather than to let his own life be wasted on the altar of her abuse, sickness, and dysfunction.

I can't tell you how much that strengthened me! Because I was faced with the same thing, it helped me...somewhere in what I'd call "my core of certainty" -

that in the event of that,

I would be

blameless,

detached,

free,

and ultimately -

"OK".

Put that in your core.

(& no! don't smoke it!)

YOP-

I read your story. I am a BS. My Dday was 4 1/2 years ago. My WH compartmentalized, responded to the ego strokes, says he just went out of his mind/into a fog for 5 months. My WH was always a GOOD husband and father until this time. I was 8 months pregnant when I found out! It was a heartbreaking event that caused me such emotional trauma.

Here is the thing, My WH caught his mother having an A when he was 18 years old and was the one who told his father and DDAY ensued. His M threatened suicide in front of him with a razor blade shortly after. His father could be heard crying many nights. They never discussed the A afterward. Fast forward to my WH A- My WH disclosed his A to his parents. They had NOTHING to say. Absolutely nothing. Our MC didn't seem to see his parents A as a major or minor factor in his choice to have an A. His M still plays the victim role, which blows my mind since she is a WW.

I believe he compartmentalized his parents' A. What do you think?

YOP, So glad you are moving forward. I'll concur with Sister's comments... You are light years ahead of where you were months ago. You've learned so much and have gained so much understanding which is critical to making "sense" of your past (if that's possible), so that you can move toward healing. This is one giant step forward, no matter what your mom does.

You are doing this for YOU. So you can be a more peaceful YOU and a better H and dad to your kids. I know this is going to be a really rough few days... please stay strong and know we are all on your side and we're here for you.

Sending you all the strength and positive energy I can muster!

@SMS - Thank you. You have been there with me for months now and I appreciate every word you have said. I just wish you were with me on Wed so I could hold your earrings and let you throat punch for me.

I hope that doesn't mean you will be leaving us, yop.

Nah. You can't get rid of me that easy. SI has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I want to continue to pay it forward. Just going to stop opening threads in JFO. I still feel like I have more to say. I've been formulating some thoughts on starting a thread about the affects of infidelity on the family. I think there are many aspects of the family that sometimes gets lost because the collective we are wrapped up in what is going on with ourselves. Any thoughts on that topic? Would love to hear about them. Been speaking to a few SI members on the side about what's been going on in their families. Stuff that's just as rough as what's going on with themselves.

I know that was most likely the last thing on your mind when you joined us.

You are correct. Not sure that she will, but I would love for her to try and debate me on the infidelity aspects of what she has done. Even in her letter to me a few weeks ago she is still taking pages out of the wayward handbook, blame shifting, hoovering, etc. I can now clearly see ALL OF IT in action. SI has given me that insight. If she tried to debate me, she literally has no where to go. That would feel so good to just slam her on all of it. I have read and re-read Hufi's post on how to make your spouse heal and could point all the things that I saw her do that were the opposite. I have the cheater's "script". I have all of these "target" threads in JFO. The rewriting our family history which bothers me the most. I now understand that dead look in my father's eyes and yet him not being able to keep his hands of her as HB. Never understood that until SI. Soooo many things and there is nothing for her to do but look at herself in the mirror. That's all I'm going to do. Hold up that mirror now that I can see into it clearly myself. Unfortunately I don't think she is going to try and debate me.

@sister E. - Thank you. I am drawing inspiration from you. You of all people know that I'm dealing with way more than just an A here. Digging through all of my FOO issues you have been there for me. And I appreciate it. Your examples of strength have meant a lot to me. I will be drawing from them again on Wed. You are a strong, kind, and compassionate soul. A survivor. I can't wait to hear of your success of finishing nursing school and hearing about your next steps in life. I want to be there with you and bask in your success and triumph.

@jjct

Her advice to one particularly troubled man - who had been served the 'suicide threat' was that he must make himself willing to stand there and accept that, rather than to let his own life be wasted on the altar of her abuse, sickness, and dysfunction.

Yep. That's exactly where I'm at. I realize that this is most likely her hoovering too. She uses this, financial, and emotional threats to keep me sucked in. NO MORE! I have let it go. She has attempted before and I did not come running. Hopefully that was a message at the time that it won't work. We'll see.

"my core of certainty"

I feel this is what I have developed.

@Mom-of-4 - What do I think? I would say he absolutely compartmentalized and so did his parents. A few SI members have reached out to me with similar stories these past few months where there WS had infidelity in their own FOO. In each case, the WS had never really looked at the broken contents of that neat box up on the shelf and therefore had a skewed view of what was in that box. His FOO sitch sounds pretty dramatic, but he probably never really looked at what it was. I on the other hand used my FOO and looked at all the damage and said no way would I ever have that in my own family. Just would not allow it. Even in the darkest time of my own M when my W and I had become roommates, I used my FOO and my mother's A to avoid it like the plague. My family became sick from her A. Sounds like your WH's family was also clearly sick, but if you don't look at it, really look at it, it's almost like it didn't happen in a bad way. Just something that happened as part of the past and was swept under the rug. Not surprising in the least that his parent's have nothing to say about it because they haven't really looked at the damage themselves. They just continue to skirt around it and play their roles. Very sad. But it shows that even with all sorts of FOO issues, they are still no excuse for starting an A and abusing their spouse with it. Your FOO can be used as an example of rising above it all. Which is what I have been trying to do and make myself a better father and husband. Because trust me, my own shit in my marriage was definitely bad. I've been working to change that in myself. I just knew that I didn't want to abuse my family with an A. Never would happen. Ever.

Our MC didn't seem to see his parents A as a major or minor factor in his choice to have an A. His M still plays the victim role, which blows my mind since she is a WW.

This is all sorts of scary. His parent's A absolutely was a factor. Since his parent's A was never discussed, compartmentalized, swept under the rug, I bet he didn't see that the A was a big deal. Why would he? The precedence was set that it was something to be ignored and that if he did do something it would all just go away somehow. "Nothing to see here. Please disperse." I'm sure that affected his thinking to some degree. My mother also plays the victim role and she's the WW. Make's me want to slap the shit out of her. It's just nuts. But then again, my mother is nuts and completely irrational. So there you go.

Any time you want to chat Mo4, don't hesitate to send me a pm if you wish. Sometimes it takes me a bit to get to them but never hesitate to contact me.

@sister Still - you have no idea how much your continued support has meant to me. I will take your strength for sure and use it on Wed. YOU, yourself have come so far with your own strength, determination, and resolve. You have been a role model and inspiration for me. I hope you don't mind but I plan on using some of your story on Wed to show what can happen to a family when selfish behaviors take over, but even more so to show how a family could heal when hard work was put into it. That hard work was something my family never had. I hope to hear about when you and your family get to the end of R and are stronger than ever!

Thanks again everyone!

yop

Hey there jjct. So I think you are pledging a $50 donation to SI if she doesn't make the end of the meeting?

If so, I will match that offer.

Mrs. yop is making a specific donation offer. Mrs. yop thinks that she is going to tear outta there the second I mention that I read her diary and the meeting will be over at that point. If that happens, Mrs. yop will donate $100 to SI.

Something good should come out of this.

yop

Mrs. yop, 1 second? I gave 60 seconds for $50!

1 second?

You're on Mrs. yop!!!!!!

Let's say, even 30 seconds - hunnert bucks. You're on.

Let's go peeps.

Put it up.

PLACE YER BETS.

30 seconds or less = $100 to SI

0 - 60 seconds = $50 "

0 - 120 seconds = $25 "

How 'bout 5 minutes = 10 bucks?

COMON people!

PLACE YER BETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Balls to the bannister time.

I frickin love it!!

OK yop & missus.

Jus so you know-

I already put my hunnert in. Just now.

"Coverin" - you know.

Let's go peeps!

Bet on the house!

Thinking of you YOP. Hope you get the closure you're after.

Strength (())

Thanks Sadmumma. I'll take that strength. Though I have to say I feel good about it right now.

Spoke to my father tonight for 5 hours. The first time we talked about anything for that long let alone many of the topics we talked about. Of course he's very worried and also thinks I'm wasting my time. He thinks the psychologist will shut down the meeting right after I show the letters to the psychologist at the beginning. I have to say I don't disagree. We shall see...

Feel like I'm cramming for a college final or something.

yop

Sending you positive energy and strength, YOP.

And hey... You. Will. Be. Okay.

Good luck YOP.

I've experienced this to a lesser degree. I told my mom "do not mention your AP to me." The POS called her last year on MY birthday (his is a day or two earlier and he had missed her call ). We were out shopping and when I figured out who had called her I just turned around and left. Jackwagon.

Good luck YOP! Wishing you the best.

Sending positive SI mojo to you, yop.

So, jjct, would you consider me joining SI at Platinum level as a bet? (SI gets all the money, right, either way?) If you accept I guess that means I am betting on the 0-60 seconds scenario.