SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My best advice is to keep reading SI, it will help. Read the stories in Just Found Out, read how hard they have it in Reconciliation, educate yourself on what you've done. The stories are so sad, and raw, but it will help snap you out of this selfish rut. You will start to see how typical your situation really is. How this AP and his dirty talk is such a common move. What is more complicated is finding out why you were vunerable to it, and how to keep that from happening again.

Just a quick IMO on this

I want everyone to know this. I do love him and am very sorry I have hurt him so badly

We don't actually need to know that. Don't confuse gaining approval with the SI community as making progress in your marriage. And talking about how wonderful your BS is is not the same as being remorseful. You have to actually be sorry that the A happened, and not just sorry you hurt BS or afraid of the consequences. This shitstorm took a while to orchastrate, and it will take just as long to undo. Take it one day at a time.

The reality of everything that has been shared so far comes down to basics. And at this point, that's where you need to focus. Walk before you run. What are those basics?

You can't fix the M because you are only half of the equation. To fix the M both people need to be in a place where it's what they want together. Way too early for that to happen.

You can fix you, but you have to do it one day at a time, one right decision at a time. You need to develop a deeper self awareness, and call yourself on your own shit. Make one good choice in the morning when you awake. Then another. Eventually, you replace the bad choices with good ones. String enough of the good choices together, and you create a pattern others see in you. When that happens, there may be a chance at saving the M.

What are the basic good choices to make? Focus on doing what your BS needs. It ain't about you now. In good marriages each partner focuses on what they can give to the other anyway, so it's a good habit to develop. If asked to back off, back off. If asked for answers, give them truthfully. If asked to continue IC to find deeper answers to the why of what you did, do it.

I am a bit concerned that you feel this quickly that you know the why. From my experience, you think you do quickly, but after several months of self examination you find a deeper root cause was what drove the surface level reason you think you found.

Can you fix "this"? Not on your own. Can you fix you? Absolutely, and it starts with the choices you completely control each day.

Misses..I know and I am sorry. I'm just such a mess right now. It is all so stupid. I choose to do this and that is a tough pill to swallow. I have another IC appt tommorrow and it is not going to be good.

Islesguy, if that is a link it doesnt work. Or do I have to do something to get there.

I just want to be able to hold him again and hear him say he loves me

I know this is going to be really hard to hear, but right now is not about what you want. It is about you getting to work and learning how to self soothe when you have that urge to have him tell you that everything is going to be all right and he is not there to do that for you. There are going to be a lot of those moments for you. So this will be one of your first big lessons. How are you going to make yourself feel better without running to him or someone else to make that happen?

Has someone else always made you feel better when things got rough? What is your go to method when you need to feel better?

Has someone else always made you feel better when things got rough? What is your go to method when you need to feel better?

Yes. It was always SWAT or my family. Before I got married to SWAT,I would go spill my guts to my bf or my ex.

Take everything one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. You're probably firmly in damage-control mode and right now you can't be.

This is what I had to face when I realized I was dealing with insecurities I never acknowledged. I didn't like myself. I didn't like my life. I certainly didn't like the direction it was heading.

So I stopped. I got into IC and quit being the damsel-in-distress, needing the bad-boy fix, and came to terms with the realization that my decision-making skills were toxic and unhealthy.

You can do this.

Everyone who replied is a wayward. Some are a week from DDay, others a decade. Some are fully, happily R'd, some D'd, and many others in limbo. Some had years-long affairs, or a dozen short ones, a one-night stand, or an emotional email/text affair.

But we all have one thing in common, we're (recovering) cheaters, and we want to help you. You will get out of SI what you put in, and at times it may get rough.

I am trying to follow all of his requests but it is hard

Yes, we know it's hard, because we've been through it. Surviving infidelity is not for the faint of heart. Just imagine for a moment, though, how hard it was for SWAT to arrive home and get your lying-ass text that you were "home cleaning." Then drive up to that bar and *see you* with scumbag AP.

So quit "trying," and just "do."

Am I such a bitch and so messed up?

You've met the qualifying standard for the Delusional Bitch Olympics, yes, and I'm qualified to judge because I'm a gold medalist.

Unfortunately you can't "sorry, I screwed up," your way out of this situation. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. If you think it's hard today, I promise you it will get worse (probably for 6+ months) before it gets better, and that's if you work hard every day. "Trying" will not cut it in this business.

SoSorry,

I understand what you're going through. The difference between you and I is that I confessed my As, and wasn't caught - BUT, I do understand your statements.

One of the things I see most consistently in these forums is the repeating of information, and the repeating of stories.

I know it's hard to see and hard to hear, but right now, you're exhibiting more selfish behavior by focusing on the "I wish I could...".

At this time, it's not about you. It's about SWAT. I know this, because I went through the same thing. That kind of statement gets criticized around here, and rightly so, but I think it's part of the human condition - we are inherently selfish beings.

That said - you have had your "I" moment, and you're welcome to come here and vent to us about those moments as much as you need to - but if you want to start to heal what you have done (and please, don't mistake that as "if you want to stay together with your H", that is out of your control), then you need to stop with the "I did this, I wish that" talk.

As tough as it is - you need to focus on him and what he needs. Right now, that's time alone without you and time to heal. He deserves that - even though he doesn't deserve what you did.

Take care of your children - they are your responsibility. SHOW him that while you messed up, you are still committed to and are RE-committing yourself to your family.

Lastly, take this to heart -

You are NOT a bad person. You are a person who made a very bad choice. Your showing remorse, even if it's a bit late, is a sign that you are driven to do the right things.

Every human on this earth has made a million mistakes, and we'll all make a million more - including you.

LEARN from this one. You screwed up - but you can do this.

Hoping for you.

At this time, it's not about you. It's about SWAT.

THIS. I cannot stress this enough. It's been about you for your entire marriage to SWAT, which makes giving that up even harder, especially in the midst of this kind of trauma. If you are serious about saving yourself and saving your M, you will work with your IC on growing up and detaching - which is healthy for both you and SWAT.

It is all so stupid

No, it's not, hon. It's fucked up, but it's not stupid. This shit is hard and it's real life.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 5:37 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

Yes I am delusional..My thought process was and can still be messed up. I am not making excuses for my cheating. I did that to start. I know my BS posted our story, but I will tell it for those of you who do not know it.

My affair started Jan.2013 and ended in May 2013. My OM was SWAT's Sgt. But there is alot more history than that. When I was a little girl,SWAT and his mother moved into town. I was young but I remember it was summer time because we were having a cook out by the pool. My older brother and OM were friends and they quickly became friends with BS. Fast forward several years and they are graduating HS. I had the biggest crush on SWAT, but I was just a pesky teenager to him. I tried once to get him to kiss me. SWAT did not even notice.

Through out those years SWAT was the quintessential golden boy. He was good at everything he did and was just such a good person. SWAT did not have a lot of money and decided to join the military. My brother and OM went to college. They all remained friends. I on the other hand kind of went a little wild. In HS I had a bf and thought he cared about me. Hindsight I know he was just a horny teenager, but he was persistent. Always saying if I cared for him, I would have sex with him. Eventually it happened and lasted for several months. There was a constant "push" from him. If i had sex with him things were good. We broke up after graduation.

I dated around and even saw OM briefly. I think most of the guys just wanted to get laid. But when they were nice to me, I gave it up. My ex came back about a year later. He looks so much like SWAT and I thought it was love. I broke it off with OM and was dating my ex. I got married at 20 years old. Young but old enough to know better. I was married for a short time when SWAT came home for a visit. My ex hated him on sight. Everyone else was so happy to see him. OM also seemed to take a disliking to him, but no one noticed it at the time. Eventually my ex really turned on me. He was abusive verbal mostly but there was some physical abuse. The only time he was kind to me was when we were having sex. I eventually divorced him and after a short time began seeing SWAT.

He treated me like royalty and was so handsome and attentive. I had no idea a relationship could be like that. Everyone else was also so happy since they love him to. It was my dream come true. We got engaged, I got pregnant. After our daughter was born we got married. I was so happy. We moved into our house had the boys. SWAT had a job he loved and was really good at. Things appeared to be great. I was not alright though. Three kids and I had never finished any school beyond HS. I never lost all the baby weight. Through it all SWAT was the same. I can admit some resentment and fear. He looked better then ever, we were still close but it seemed different. He did not seem to want me with the same intensity. I know kids and family does that, but I needed the affirmation. I never told him that though. These feelings built over a year and a half. One night SWAT and I were out with several of his co workers. OM was there and we talked, nothing really out of the ordinary. I do not know how OM knew, but I think he knew my insecurity. Maybe I told him to much, I do not know. But that night he planted a seed. He insinuated SWAT may not be faithful, look at how everyone especially the women like him. Stupid I know. All I had to do was look in SWAT's eyes.

I fell back into old habits. I shut down and got snotty. I turned to OM and to get him to be nice, you guessed it sex.

When SWAT was hurt I completely lost it. What had I done. I cheated on the love of my life. I did some really awful things during the time as well. I accussed him of cheating and lied to him and my family. It makes me sick to say all of that.

I am not making excuses and am not trying to blame SWAT at all. I am messed up and I want and need to fix myself. I know none of this is his fault and my actions are my own.

I am sitting in my bedroom crying. My husband should be here with me. But he isn't here, he needs his time and space away from me. I have have hurt him so badly and I can't take his pain away.

I took my kids to my parents for dinner. My daughter was really acting out and I yelled at her. She just yelled "You made daddy go away." She started crying and then the boys started crying. I can't take away their pain either. The kids do not know whats going on and I do not know how to address it with them. My mom took the kids to the park and my dad talked to me. My dad is a man of few words so I was shocked he wanted to talk. It was not a long conversation. He said "I love you both, but sweetheart fix your shit or he's gone." "Your lies and secrets are killing everything." I am joining a gym tommorrow, maybe I can lose the baby weight. I was also thinking I am going to try to find a part time job. I have got to do something.

While SWAT knows everything about my affair, I have written out a time line. I also wrote out exactly what I had done and how I justified it. I also wrote about how I was wrong. I have stopped reading his posts, but I can't forget what I have already read. I had forgotten that I told him I never thought I was good enough for him. I know I actually thought that, but in reality I only need to be good enough for me.

SS17,

Big hugs, I remember what it was like to sit alone and feel miserable because my H wasn't there after what I did. It is a horrible feeling. And I remember coming to this site for support during that time, on the nights that I couldn't sleep.

Going to a gym to loose weight is an external thing. Will it help you temporarily? Probably. The real issue is inside. You have to learn to like who you are, or else all of the validation in the world will never be enough. That is where you start. You start to figure out why you don't like who you are. Where and when did those feelings first start for you?

This is a long process. I have been here for four years. I am still working my process. Doing much better now. We are all a work in progress. It will happen for you

Well I have read each word of each post for probably the third time. I have gone through over my entire relationship with SWAT. I am embarassed to say that I realized that I have never been a partner to him. It was always what I wanted or needed that got done. Sure I cleaned the house, did his laundry, made the meals and took care of the kids. But not once did I ask him what he needed or even wanted. I never even asked his opinion on our kids names. Not once have I ever put his wants or needs before mine. How is that even possible? How or why would he allow that?

Maybe he is better off without me? I have been seeing a therapist, but I am not sure she is helping me. I have been sitting here thinking. She is nice and listens well to me, I think. But I get the impression she is trying to excuse my behavior, or maybe I'm just hiding things from her.

Someone asked me earlier how I came to believe sex was a way for men to treat me nice. I think I know why. My ex was my first and I realize now exactly how abusive he was. Years of being called horrible names and having sex a punishment. But if I could keep him happy, there was no punishment. Is it the answer, probably not, but I think it is a start. I've never really talked about it, but way deep down I don't think I have much value as a person.

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:24 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

Well I have read each word of each post for probably the third time. I have gone through over my entire relationship with SWAT. I am embarassed to say that I realized that I have never been a partner to him. It was always what I wanted or needed that got done. Sure I cleaned the house, did his laundry, made the meals and took care of the kids. But not once did I ask him what he needed or even wanted. I never even asked his opinion on our kids names. Not once have I ever put his wants or needs before mine. How is that even possible? How or why would he allow that?

All of this will eventually be something that you will look at. More than likely it will tie into reasons about how you felt about yourself, so in turn how you treated him.

Maybe he is better off without me? I have been seeing a therapist, but I am not sure she is helping me. I have been sitting here thinking. She is nice and listens well to me, I think. But I get the impression she is trying to excuse my behavior, or maybe I'm just hiding things from her.

Well the better off without you question is a decision that really the two of you should make, don't you think? Don't you think that you have made enough decisions for him at this point?

Also, I can't stress enough that you need to have a good IC. So if your current is not pressing you to figure out what led you to make this decision, then find another one.

I've never really talked about it, but way deep down I don't think I have much value as a person.

Where and when did this belief start?

I've never really talked about it, but way deep down I don't think I have much value as a person.

When did it start? I am not to sure, but I remember feeling that way as a teenager. I saw IC today after I called and asked for an earlier appointment. She kind of slapped me around a little bit. She was completely right though. I've been seeing her for a while and the entire time, I was not being honest with her. I glossed over my issues and was even blaming my BH a little. She called me on it once before, but I got defensive and told her she did not know him or how he treated me. I admitted that to her and told her about my joining here. She was very supportive of that.

I miss SWAT so much that it is actually painful. But a problem I have is this. When I started the affair, I knew in my heart that SWAT could leave me if he ever found out. At the time it was almost like I did not care, he did not need me, he could and would find someone better. He didn't really love ME, he loved the kids and I was just part of the package. It's all my messed up way to justify what I did at the time. When I actually think about the things OM said and planned for us to do to SWAT makes me ill.

But I realized something else today. If I could do this to SWAT, my kids and my family. The day my affair turned completely physical(prior there was only text,emails and meeting twice which ended in oral sex), was the day SWAT got hurt. When I found out a part of me literally died. I had lied and manipulated the situation so it could happen. I deliberately made myself believe lies OM told me. I remember thinking, well you always knew you would never be good enough. I was mean and picked fights with SWAT, I made rude comments and even told kids he had girlfriends. SWAT tried to talk to me, but I was a class A bitch. I would not talk or listen to him. I have no idea why. Then I thought but hey look there is OM, he wanted you before and he still wants you now. So what if you do not love him, he likes you and can be nice to you. I thought OM is more likely to stay with me because he is nothing like SWAT. OM is overweight, drinks way too much and has bad teeth and breath. Right now I can look at him and question "Why that?" But at the time, it was like that was what I deserved. Do not get me wrong OM looked like a concerned friend and we started talking about "issues" in my marriage. OM and I ran with it and eventually I betrayed me husband and my marriage vows.

When I got to the hospital, I actually thought SWAT was dead. He was laying on a hospital bed and had tubes and all these monitors attached to him. He had huge cuts on his face stomach and arms. He had a hole in his chest. I remember praying and begging he would be alright. I told OM to stay away from us and I tried to be the best wife I could be. I wish I had come here earlier, I probably would have confessed with your support. But no, I ignored it and tried to forget it ever happened. I never dealt with my issues and even after d-day, I tried to minimize what I had done.

OM still contacted me now and again. I should have gone NC and I told SWAT that I would. Except when OM would call if SWAT was not around, I would talk to him. I still did not want to admit exactly what I had done. I would tell OM to leave me alone,but I never enforced it. When OM showed up at the Easter egg hunt, I was ashamed and scared. I mean him calling now and then was bad enough. OM made an absolute ass of himself, and I was actually afraid SWAT would seriously hurt him and then get in trouble.

Fast forward to last Friday. OM had been calling the house, sending emails and texting me. I would ignore or delete them. I should have called the plice because of the PO and at least told SWAT. You all know I didn't and eventually went to see OM. I am working to find out exactly why. I know my reasoning really does not fly, but at the time that is what I thought. I have not been reading SWAT's posts since joining, but I did read them before. I see his pain and comprehend the disrespect I showed. I have a long way to go but I am going to fix me.

Sorry for long post. I just couldn't stop.

So why should SWAT give you another chance?

Are you willing to change this selfish behavior..not just saying that you will?

I think you treated SWAT the way you did because you felt you didn't deserve him, so you tried to push him away. This time you succeeded, but you realize now that you do want him, now that you've lost him.

So again,

Why should SWAT give you another chance?

Why should SWAT give you another chance?

I know that I do not deserve another chance. I want to be a better person. Right now it is primarily for him and my kids. I need to be a better person for me as well, but it is going to take time to fix my 30 plus years of screwed up thinking and behavior. I understand none of you really know me and I have not been the most honest person in the past. But I had never cheated on SWAT in the past and I have seen and felt the pain infidelity creates. I can never go through it again. But most of all I love him and want to be with him. I hope he still loves me enough to at least let me try to show him and make our relationship better. I understand if he can not, but I still have to hope.

But most of all I love him and want to be with him

OK then...Actions will speak louder than any words you say. Consistent positive action.

Your actions have been speaking contrary to your words I quoted.

It would be wise and productive if your future actions line up with those words you said above.

No more lies

No more manipulation

No more contact, because believe me, the OM will be back.

OK then...Actions will speak louder than any words you say. Consistent positive action.

Your actions have been speaking contrary to your words I quoted.

It would be wise and productive if your future actions line up with those words you said above.

No more lies

No more manipulation

No more contact, because believe me, the OM will be back

I understand and WILL follow yours and everyone else's advice. I can and have to do this and do it right. SWAT has always stood up for me and everyone he cares about. He is a fighter and it is time I showed him that I believe he is worth fighting for.

There will be no more contact with OM. I blocked him on everything I could think of. I changed the house phone number and I am getting a new cell number later today. Facebook he is blocked and I closed my email account and opened a new one. SWAT will have access to everything. Can you think of anything else he may need? Anything else I can do without him having to ask?