She is, quite simply, the archetype,of addictive personality. If it's not alcohol, it's an affair..or both,,depending on how she feels during any given time of her life.
Exactly. About as self-destructive as it gets.
The way that she explained it to me the other day, was that once she "discovers" an addiction, it is so hard to ever close that door. For example, I can understand the growing addiction to alcohol. I believe that once she continued to drink, the physical tendencies join with the mental ones, and therefore, the addiction is very strong.
But alcohol also warps the mind. And she was never promiscuous or unfaithful before alcohol. But it only took one drunken time to visit a website like AFF, to open a door that she still hasn't closed. Now grows a second terrible addiction.
So once she started on her sobriety(3 years now), she initially figured that the other desires would go away. And for her first 9 months of sobriety, she didn't need that validation, until some random douchebag gives her flattery. It turns out that she was just a ticking time bomb.
I am getting pissed typing this. How I can write this out so matter-of-factly, knowing that my WW has whored herself out to several men, just drains the hell out of me. My absolute infuriation about having no outlet for justice is what is eating me up. But that will be for some therapy down the road. I'm a big boy...I'll work through it.
To her background:
We met in our teens, and married in our early twenties. Absolutely with the "love conquers all" mindset. Jobs, home, children....the natural progression.
What I didn't even give a moment's thought....because in knew nothing about it....is how FOO issues can rear their heads any time in life. And if we are being realistic, EVERYBODY has some FOO issues---after all, what is "perfectly normal"? But in my WW's case, I am going to assume that abandonment is going to come to the forefront...if she digs deep enough into therapy.
Her father left her when she was eight years old...sitting on her porch step. He was going to get ice cream for them, I believe...never to return.
But my WW didn't pine over this like I "thought" she would. But what do I know? My parents were awesome. They were beyond awesome. I know this, because as I sit here as 46 year old man, I am still appreciating them more and more every day...and I have been without my mother for over 20 years, and my father for almost four. They were that great, so I don't have the horror stories of a bad childhood.
I know that my WW could have had it worse also, but having her daddy leave...and certainly blaming herself...has to surface somewhere again in life---right?
The one other huge factor...in my mind...was her loss of purpose. She became a maternity nurse...following in her mother's shoes...and was not only very good at her job, but was something she was VERY passionate about. She loved her work, and performed it until she could work no more. Like her mother(who passed away at 46), she has congenital heart disease, and has been disabled since 1999.
In the early years, it was easy to focus on two small children. But as they grew, and became less dependent, this is where I think everything started to slowly unravel. It took many, many years to slowly devolve, until it plunged into unfathomable areas.
What does this mean to me? I don't know. I'm an analytical person, so I want to make as much sense out of this nonsense in front of me. And I guess I want to see if (1) I am right with my armchair diagnosis, and (2) if she is going to tackle these problems head on this time...being that her only choices are to continue this path of destruction without me, or start digging....still without me. She has to do this for herself. She has exhausted the other avenues.