SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Guys,

The admins, mods and guides have a zen-like sense for trolls and fakers. I am certain they are aware of this thread and have their ways getting to the truth. Let’s just place that job where it belongs: in their hands.

IF nidd is telling the truth then he needs us.

Personally then having spent 10-30 minutes hammering out advice and support is a small cost for me if he turns out to be a fake, a cost I’m willing to bear considering the help we can offer if he’s being real.

Welcome nidd – feel safe here. Keep posting.

Hi.

1.) Like others have said, her cheating is 100% her choice and 0% your fault.

2.) Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf" and "Toxic parents pdf", both are excellent books available online that might help you tremendously.

3.) Go buy a VAR immediately and record every interaction with your WW. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence.

4.) Read http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220 .

5.) Get yourself into individual counselling with a good counsellor with experience in PTSD and infidelity. Get your DD into a good counsellor for her to help mitigate and reduce the emotional fallout from the divorce and everything.

Keep talking to us, we're here for you.

Best wishes

well put, Bigger

Everyone -

In the future, if you have an issue, contact a mod.

Nidd, That story is so horrific, that many of us are hoping it isn't true. I don't think I could ever R with someone after that experience, that level of betrayal is, for me, unforgivable. I'm not religious but I would categorize that as pretty damn close to evil. But, who knows, maybe my WW did the same things-I'll never get to know. That's why many of us BS's ask for so many details. We want to know exactly-or as closely as possible, the depth of betrayal, the true character of the affair and our WS's.

I hope it's true because I want to feel like this is a safe place to come and post and get help without trolls making fun of us.

I do know that I originally posted my story on a divorce forum, but didn't get the response I wanted so came here. I simply copy and pasted the whole thing though, so the details are all the same.

At the same time, I feel really bad for Nidd. It's horrible. His self esteem sounds like it took an absolute beating.

I personally couldn't get over having seen this and reconsile. I just couldn't. Your daughter is a victim of your wife's actions.

All you can do is give her the best life you can, but only within what you can control and you can't control your wife, so SHE made the decision for the child to have divorced parents.

I too, when I first found my wife was cheating and leaving, my first reacts was it was my fault for not making sure her needs were met. But I agree with other people on here that, there is only so much you can do, and there is no excuse for cheating.

I'm really sorry.

Well nidd, the question you need to answer is "Do you want R or do you want D"?

If you want R, you will have to get over her fucking her boy friend in a hotel room and in your marital bed (if you two do sleep together because you mentioned "To my chagrin, when she was done taking a bath and went into HER room to dress up I overheard a conversation she was having with her friend"). That is a long process when you have visual evidence.

If you want D, go full steam ahead, you have all the proofs you need. I would have a better shock and awe for her. Get the lawyer to prepare the D papers. Set up your laptop, tell her to sit down, you have something funny to show her. Start the video. When she is about to throw up, or pass out...whatever...hand her the D papers and tell her she should always brush her teeth, it's good hygiene.

How long has she been on sabbatical? Were you aware of it? Who is the OM? How old are you two?

To the question

She's a really nice person and despite cheating she still acts like a good mom etc. and tells me she loves me and smiled and so on...but...she had sex with another guy moreover she vowed to kiss me with the same mouth she blew him with.This is something I don't understand.

She just has no more respect for you. Better luck in your next marriage.

I hope it's true because I want to feel like this is a safe place to come and post and get help without trolls making fun of us.

I just wanted to address this. SI is one of the safest sites on the internet. We have outstanding mods. There is almost always one available, if need be. We also have more than 40,000 members...so while sometimes things can get heated...it is extremely rare...extremely. Rarely do we get any trolls...but on the handful of times that we have(in my time here on SI), they were discovered very quickly, and removed.

You are absolutely safe here. The only person you need to worry about here..is your very new WS finding you here. If your dday was recent, I highly suggest you don't share SO with your WS. You need a safe place..and you can't trust your WS to be safe for you..not yet..maybe not ever.

But..anyway...welcome.

*UPDATE* I finally confronted my wife.I told her I knew everything.She didn't deny anything which actually came to me as a surprise.She's been crying since yesterday.She's been begging me for forgiveness and claims that was the biggest mistake of her life.She said she'd stop seeing that guy and would stop using social media until I decided she could use it again.She said she feels terrible and would understand if I decided to divorce her.She also claims she loves me.As for the "toothbrush" comment and as for why she brought that guy over and fucked him in our marital bed she said that she felt like it was "naughty" and was merely looking to spice things up because all she was looking for was some more sex and excitement.I still don't know what to do guys.Now I'm even more confused because I think I still love her.I also wanna say thanks for all the comments!

nidd

Did you ask your wife why she cannot come to you for sex and excitement?

Show her consequences for her lousy decisions.

You can start by dragging hr to the clinic for an STD test.

HM

She said she feels terrible and would understand if I decided to divorce her.She also claims she loves me.As for the "toothbrush" comment and as for why she brought that guy over and fucked him in our marital bed she said that she felt like it was "naughty" and was merely looking to spice things up because all she was looking for was some more sex and excitement.

So that is all okay with you. You actually sat there and watched them and heard her say that stuff, which by the way turns my stomach with disgust.

You want to reconcile with this despicable woman. A woman who obviously thinks you are lower than scum in a pond. She disrespected you in the worst possible way laughing behind your back. How could you ever kiss her again.

You really think you are going to get over what she did and you SAW it first hand.

[This message edited by 10yearsafter at 10:12 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

As for the "toothbrush" comment and as for why she brought that guy over and fucked him in our marital bed she said that she felt like it was "naughty" and was merely looking to spice things up because all she was looking for was some more sex and excitement.

Sooooo...why didn't she want to "spice" things up with you instead of taking the risk to blow up a 19yr M for a little "excitement" on the side? She isn't the only WS on this site who claimed to have wanted to just "spice" things up a bit. What was that...scripted rationalization #47 from the cheaters handbook I think.

Anyway, it's bullshit. Remember this part you posted -

overheard a conversation she was having with her friend.I heard her say:I'm so glad I took a sabbatical,now I can see him every day.I feel so good I haven't felt like this is ages,I just feel so guilty though...maybe I should confess to my husband....

Now, if that conversation was with her AP maybe we call that giving and receiving ego kibbles between her and the AP, but this is her friend she is talking to and bragging about her affair, and that "maybe" she would eventually confess to you because she feels so guilty...yet "feels so good about it that she hasn't felt in ages"...Look, she had time to run that "spice things up" line over in her head because she thought not about eventually "confessing" to you but rehearsing what her excuse would be when she got caught.

Now you say -

Now I'm even more confused because I think I still love her.

Your in love with the old her. She isn't that person anymore. She is someone who enjoys disrespecting you in her mind and relishing that disrespect with her AP and her friend. She got off on humiliating you. Do you get off sexually on humiliating other people, especially without their consent? I think your real wife isn't there anymore.

So has she explained who is the OM? Has she told you which friend she confided in about her affair? before you contemplate anything, get a timeline of her infidelity started right now. I think there is a LOT more she is hiding. Wait until you get most of that truth before deciding to R.

NIdd,

Her tears do not mean shit so save the typing on that. Like you were just told, I am at a loss to understand why you would even contemplate staying with this woman but if you do your smartest course of action would be to file for divorce (you can stop it any time you want to) and then sit back and watch her actions. Divorce does not happen immediately.

Her being off social media is the least of your problems. You are going to need to be in total CIA mode for quite a while and you need to tell her before you stop the divorce she will take a polygraph test that she better pass with flying colors.

She regrets she was caught at this point, nothing more and if you believe she is truly remorseful at this point there is no hope for you.

I would not go near MC or IC of any kind until she proves over a period of time that she can rfemain faithful to the boundaries and expectations.

Of course that is if somehow you can manage to get past this horrendous behavior.

It makes me laugh almost. She is crying!!!! Poor baby

You know, I'd bet that if we betrayed spouses all had video evidence, many of us would see and hear stuff equally sickening and disrespectful as the toothbrush remark. Even more common would be the sex acts done with AP that weren't done with the BS.

The most outrageous behavior is that she fucked someone else. Same story as for all of us. All the other stuff is icing on the cake.

nidd, I totally get the shock and confusion. My XW brought an OM into my home as well. I found photographic evidence, enough to fill a porn mag. But honestly, whether it's in your home or in a hotel room, one partner or 20, wild sex or vanilla, it's the same level of disrespect.

She cheated. And now you're faced with trying to reconcile this apologetic wife with the person you saw on that video. How can they be the same person? That's a question that may haunt you for a long time.

I never could reconcile that difference. So I chose divorce.

nidd.... if you are still uncertain to what to do i Think you will be cheated on for life

Actually Nidd, Even if you want to Reconcile real bad, It's actually all up to her. After the the shock wears off and those mind movies start spinning all night long, and when you get to the anger phase, which is in about 6-months, your WW is going to be put to the test. For you to REALLY reconcile, she is going to have to do some life altering work. She is going to have to rock your world with some pretty damned impressive remorse, empathy, and sincere soul searching. There can't be one bit of this shit swept under the rug. You got to ask yourself, does she have what it takes to fix herself AND you at the same time?

You deserve so much more, so much better than this. There are just too many good women out there to settle for anything less. If you do decide to R, make sure she puts in 110% because that's what it's going to take. Make sure you school up on what exactly is required for true R.

I agree with Onceinalifetime: If I saw exactly what my WW did, said, I probably could not R. But , at least I would have definitive closure and would know exactly what I need to do. Even with all the details I asked for and got, I am still naive to what actually happened-I'm sure. This whole decision to R is either a bold leap of faith or one big fear based co-dependent rug sweep. I don't know. I wont know for years to come if I'm making the right decision.

It's not just the sex acts, it's the duplicity. It's the betrayal and the hateful disrespect. When a relationship gets to that point, I just don't know if there is ever any coming back from that.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:59 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Nidd, are you in individual counselling/therapy? If not, I urge you to find a good therapist with experience in infidelity and PTSD.

Also, please reach out to your friends and family, tell them what's been going on.

Furthermore, I urge you to google "No more mr. Nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free and I think it might become a source of great strength for you!

Keep talking to us, we're here for you. Best wishes!

you are showing signs of co-dependency.

Look Nidd, it's clear what happened and you don't even know the full extent of it all.

Polygraph her if you want but the level of betrayal is staggering.

Do you know how many times ?

What about her enabling friends ?

Did she get tested ?

Who is this other guy ?

How many previous affairs has she had ?

What has she offered to make it up to you ?

So many questions, hit her with papers and break her down even more. Take more control or else as TIMETOREACT has said, you will be cheated on for life

Okay, Nidd.

Your situation just changed.

What work are you willing to do to save your own sanity? (marriage or no marriage...saving your sanity is the question; has nothing to do with R or D).

Second- What is she willing to do to back up her statement.

Right now, self honesty is all you've got. The only thing you can rely on is being true to yourself. So. What's the plan? You tell us.

Good luck, buddy. Keep posting. We care.

Nidd

You say you don‘t know what to do…

YOU HAVE OVER THREE FRIGGING PAGES OF SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO REACT AND WHAT TO DO!!!

Start by going back and reading each and every suggestion offered to you.

If you have questions about them then post and ask.

If you don’t agree with a suggestion that is often repeated then argue with us about the pro’s and con’s.

But don’t tell us you don’t know what to do...

One MAJOR thing I want you to tell us NOW:

Do you know the identity of the OM?

If your wife is hiding it then you should just file now. Like now. Like right away.

Don’t tell us you don’t know what to do…

Please.